Apart and shaken

[Gunny376]

Never took up the game ~ yet?

 

But I hear its a lot like having sex?

 

You don't have to be any good at it to enjoy it!

 

Here's wishing you well tomorrow my friend. Sounds just like the kind of thing you need to be doing right now.

 

Not sitting around teaching your cats how to drink Scotch whisky. (Even if it is good Scotch whisky)

 

I don't know that getting with the old GF from back in the day is such a good idea, unless you can maintain it in a neutral position until you've resolve your marital issues.

 

The bigger question is? Can she?

 

I'm of the suspicion that if the wife came back right here and now? You be all about that?

 

I believe the more important thing is for you to follow your own advice and get busy living your life.

 

Identify your weaknesses and daily seek self improvement.

 

Right now your pretty PO'd in that you played by the 'rules of engagement' and she didn't.

 

On the other hand of the situation? It might be a good thing for the X to see you out and about with someone new?

 

Women want what other women have, (Watch "Urban Cowboy" ~ LOL ~ again)

 

But your on the right course at least in getting "out and about" ~ I mean seriously? How many nights of sitting at home with the cats and watching "Cool Hand Luke" can one man handle.

 

Your enough of an athlete to know that "action must oftentimes precede feeling like doing it!"

 

You know, (and your doing this) that you've got to go and get out there and do things before you feel like doing them.

 

As far as running into the social idiot with the child?

 

Your going to have to suffer such fools from time to time.

 

Remember your going through the loss of your wife, your marriage? But the promise, of your hopes, fantasies and dreams you once had with her in the beginning?

[lupa]

Called the ex today, left her a message. Hopefully I hear back from her, she seemed all kinds of excited the other night. Kept it simple, like "Hey, it was great to see you the other night...been a long time. I'd love to catch up, give me a call back!"

 

Blah blah. I want to hang out with her at a nice restaurant downtown, happy hour, dinner. We'll see.

 

I made the top 8 in the club championship (golf), placing sixth with one terrible hole that I took a 7 on (3 over par). I legitimately have a chance at this...kind of excited. The top 8 go on to one-on-one match play, single elimination. Being sixth will place me against the 3rd guy, and if I'm right, i've beaten him before. I'll know the rankings tomorrow.

 

 

 

...the ex is calling me right now. I'm letting it go to vmail, then I'll call her back.

 

 

Nice.

 

I also had some folks over tonight. Nothing fancy, just some drinks, some food, and some friends. It was nice, and it makes this feel like my home, not our home. I hope to do this more often. we also didn't entirely focus on my current situation, though it was a major source of conversation. I think it will be that way for some time, but I did try to change the subject.

 

Ok, time to listen to the vmail.

 

...I'm a little excited.

 

...

[hopesndreams]

You are so lonely and even though you must move forward, you need to take the time to grieve what you have lost. I can only imagine how great it would be to bump into an old flame and recapture what was lost and then dream about what it would be like to perhaps have a family with them? You will have the family you desire, lupa, you are still young. Just take your time, don't be in a rush, and work through all your emotions before moving forward in starting a new relationship with someone new, or an old flame. When you are able to firmly know that you will never get back with the W, then and only then, will you be able to put all of your heart and soul in a relationship with someone else and have it work out, otherwise you risk getting hurt again or hurting the other person.

[lupa]

You are so lonely and even though you must move forward, you need to take the time to grieve what you have lost. I can only imagine how great it would be to bump into an old flame and recapture what was lost and then dream about what it would be like to perhaps have a family with them? You will have the family you desire, lupa, you are still young. Just take your time, don't be in a rush, and work through all your emotions before moving forward in starting a new relationship with someone new, or an old flame. When you are able to firmly know that you will never get back with the W, then and only then, will you be able to put all of your heart and soul in a relationship with someone else and have it work out, otherwise you risk getting hurt again or hurting the other person.

No doubt, no doubt. Each day, though, I am thoroughly convinced that it WON'T happen. I can't say I wouldn't want it to happen if it did, but I'm pretty sure we are done. I do think that one day she'll wake up and realize the mistake, but I no longer expect it to be her coming down the road to the house. Until a couple of days ago, every car I heard was my wife, but now...I just know it isn't, and I don't hope it is.

 

Maybe that is me moving on, maybe that is me accepting the reality of the situation.

 

Either way, I'm going to meet the ex out at a nice rooftop bar downtown on either weds or thurs. She called me back, left a vmail, I waited a bit and then called her. We chatted for like 30 seconds, but it was loud where she was, and I was on my way to another place from where I was, so I kept it brief.

 

I know this sounds stupid, but I really was fond of her for the brief time we were together. Maybe we both grew up enough that we could see where this goes. Maybe not. I don't know, but it has given my brain something else to mull over for a time, so I no longer have the running argument dialogue in my head between me and my wife, all the time. I, technically, am no longer insane, because for a while there, not only was I presenting my own side of the case, I was also arguing the other side. Now, every once in a while, I just think about the ex, and what it used to be (the sex was phenomenal...much better than the last few years for me).

 

But I digress. Maybe we'll have that, you know, emotional connection or whatever.

 

I kid, I kid. I do think we have a good emotional connection, or at least did. maybe it will happen again...only time and patience (there's that key work again) will tell.

 

Peace out, I'm off to bed.

[Gunny376]

You had GF's before the wife!

 

You'll have them afterwards!

 

In so far as the XGF?

 

Look how far you've come since just separating with the wife?

 

Let alone the six years you've been married to her?

 

I'm willing to bet!

 

That like the Marshall Tucker song?

 

"As soon as you kiss the lips of anther woman? You'll forget all about her!"

[Gunny376]

Hell lupa!

 

Were it me!

 

I go and buy myself a red Cadillac convertible, cruise around town with the top down, MY Ray-Bans on, with my arm around the XGF, and when the XW saw me yell out,

 

"HOW YA LIKE ME NOW!"

[delajoonal]

i don't know lupa...

dating the X..( maybe the one that got away?) sounds all fabulous until it really comes down to getting physical or emotional....i think you are still very much in love with your W ( i could be wrong) just going with my womens intuition tho

 

i think after being married now, and for some time too...the fact that W left you, you are angry, hurt, etc...still love her...so jumping right out there and picking up where you left off with an old X...i am not so sure IT is going to be what you thought IT was going to be?

 

now i know the men LS'rs i going to boo hoo me...but as a woman, i see it differently.

 

anyway, you are older now, been married, which is much dif then just dating someone right, i mean, you were trying to have a child and like you said running into that friend with his child really upset you and got you all twisted and tongue tied when he brought up your W , etc...

 

im just saying , i think you have the right idea, to get out and be with friends, keep busy, work, projects etc...but i am just thinking picking up with the old X is NOT going to be what you expect...i just can feel it in your words...

 

like those dreams of being at your high school and hanging out and stuff...but then everyone is looking at you like, what the heck is that old fart doing here..LOL

 

what i am trying to say, in all that above, is you can't always GO BACKwards...

 

your life is/was all about moving forward, from your posts anyway...

in your personal life and your work life...

 

so that is what i am trying to say, with out being a bummer...i am just calling it like i see it...i think this might be just too darn fast and to much right now lupa:)

 

ok..so don't be mad at me K...i just hope you are doing well...and thought a womans point of view would shed a different light..

 

p.s. i too thought about calling my X, the man i dated before my H...ahhh, what a mighty fine man..yummy! lol...and i always think of HIM fondly..very...BUT, i know in my gut, if i did hook up (is that the term..lol) with him now, IT just would NOT be like it was 15 years ago...it would be weird...i still love my H too..and so many years and so much stuff has changed, we are all older and different...everything changes and goes ONLY forward...we really can't go backward...

 

ok, so now i really have rambled on..sorry...

 

take care sweetie...

[LisaUk]

Hi Lupa, i'm glad you got through in the golf! Congrats!

 

I'm also pleased to see that you are thinking about your future and getting out there and having some fun. I have come to realise in the last few days that although it is important for us to mourn the loss of our partners, it is also completely pointless to put our lives on hold in doing so. Yes, it is important to not take the emotional baggage into a new relationship, but it is also important to start living again. Just take it slow and see where life leads you.

[tojaz]

Hi Lupa, i'm glad you got through in the golf! Congrats!

 

I'm also pleased to see that you are thinking about your future and getting out there and having some fun. I have come to realise in the last few days that although it is important for us to mourn the loss of our partners, it is also completely pointless to put our lives on hold in doing so. Yes, it is important to not take the emotional baggage into a new relationship, but it is also important to start living again. Just take it slow and see where life leads you.

 

I agree Oompa Lupa! Also keep in mind, if things go really well with the xgf and then the W comes a knocking, who wins out? When you can answer that 100% your ready! Not saying forget the xgf just be honest with her and take it slow. If it's real it will all work out in the end.

Tojaz

[lupa]

Well, simply put, I have no idea what I'm going to do. I'm a passenger on this out of control bus. There is no driver, there is nobody in charge, but I think that is what has to happen for me to move on. I was trying to control my old life with my wife, I was trying to guide it safely back home, but now I just have to let go, let the thing cross the center lane, and whatever makes it through the impending crash will be with me the rest of my life.

 

I think what I'm trying to say is I'm going to let the chips fall where they may, assess the situation, pick up the pieces, and start going. A lot of people say that "things happen for a reason" but I really don't believe that. I'd like to, I really would, because that sentiment means there is someone or something out there looking out for you. I don't think I believe that, and in a way that is sad. However, I do think that we are presented with opportunities every day, and each one is a chance to direct our lives, and influence our fate.

 

So, that leaves me looking at this situation: my wife walked away, and swears that it is done. She won't contact me if I at all contact her, we are connected through the house, some finances, and her car. When I don't contact her, she invariably gets in touch about some mundane BS that I don't need to know about, but is tangentially related to me in some way so I can't really ignore it. She hasn't filed for divorce yet, and I have no idea if she's looked it up, if she's contacted a lawyer, or anything else. She is unhappy in her life, and now completely believes that I am at the root of her unhappiness. As a side note, I talked to a friend last night who is also friends with the guy my wife dated before me. She made some comment that he said, when they broke up, that my wife had a very set out life plan, and it was all pretty overwhelming. I know I've written about that here, and that I've written her plan falling apart set this off. But that is kind of a side note.

 

By happenstance, I ran into a girl that I've known in some capacity since I was 15 years old, and that I've been fond of and had some kind of relationship with over the years. She is smart, gorgeous, stubborn, strong, and now, evidently, has paid her way through school and has become a nurse. I worked up the cajones to actually go talk to her, she gave me her number. I called her, she called back, we made tentative plans for weds or thurs night. This chance could have just slipped by, as have so many others in our lives, but for whatever reason, this is the one I picked. Is there a guiding force? I'm not sure, I'm really not. I find myself all the time wishing I had Faith, because it would be very comforting, but i don't. I just don't have Faith with the capital "F" and sometimes that is a lonely way to go through life.

 

But this is my life, these are my chances, and this is my time. So, in this current situation with my wife and this ex, I have made my choice, and now it is time to take my hands off the wheel, and see where I end up when I go blasting off the embankment and down into a gorge.

 

Maybe I'll just get hurt again, maybe I'll find a new friend, maybe I will end up with the ex, maybe my wife will come home, maybe I'll find something else entirely out! I don't know, but I'm letting go.

 

My sister, when this all started, but me a really nice little marble plaque that is engraved with that saying, "When you get to the end of your rope, tie a not and hang on!"

 

I feel that is the absolute wrong sentiment. I think, in this case, in all of our cases, that once we get to the end of our rope, it is time to just let go. This rope is done, we've done everything we could with it. I'm guessing, and really, really hoping, that as I go into freefall mode, there will be another rope there to grab and hang on to. And this one, I'm sure of it, will have plenty of rope to spare while I rebuild.

[LisaUk]

Hi Lupa

 

I think you're side note is actually a lot more than that if you really think about it. Sounds just like my ex. They have a set view of how life SHOULD be, how things SHOULD be, how everything SHOULD be perfect. However, as we all know, life is never how it SHOULD be, it is the ability to work through the things that are not perfect, the realisation that no one and no relationship and nothing in life is perfect that makes the difference between those with stamina, those who stay and those who walk.

 

I think it's a very relevant comment your friend made, in essence she is saying, unless you measured up 100% to her perfect little fairytale world, you stood no chance. Well, that's just not reality is it?

[lupa]

Hi Lupa

 

I think you're side note is actually a lot more than that if you really think about it. Sounds just like my ex. They have a set view of how life SHOULD be, how things SHOULD be, how everything SHOULD be perfect. However, as we all know, life is never how it SHOULD be, it is the ability to work through the things that are not perfect, the realisation that no one and no relationship and nothing in life is perfect that makes the difference between those with stamina, those who stay and those who walk.

 

I think it's a very relevant comment your friend made, in essence she is saying, unless you measured up 100% to her perfect little fairytale world, you stood no chance. Well, that's just not reality is it?

Man, I tell you what...if I had a dollar for each time I thought to myself, "Wife, what color is the sky in your world?" because her take on reality is so very different from mine that basic communication is impossible, I'd be a rich sonuvabitch. But I thought that was normal in any relationship. I'd say one thing, and she'd just make it the worst possible thing in the world, even though there was no meaning in it remotely close to what she just said. It didn't make any sense at all to me, and still doesn't.

 

So, yes, you are right, there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell of this making it to Fairy Tale status...and I think that is what she expects is the goal. She will be chasing this forever, I guess, and that is a shame.

 

As for me, the ex just texted to confirm for Thursday night. I'm happy, sad, excited, terrified, hopeful, scared, guilty, and confused, all at the same friggin time. GAH this whole situation is so stupid! What was my wife thinking???

 

Turns out the ex really likes a place that my wife likes, and that is where we are meeting. I don't know if I said ok because it could possibly hurt my wife if she found out, or if i said ok because I just really have always liked that place, and the people my wife insisted on hanging around with never could afford it. I just want this all to stop, and want life to start moving.

 

I think I'm going to go for a jog. I hate running, because it makes me think of her the entire time, but I also like it because it makes me feel better about the way I look later. I guess i'll just keep running so that I feel like I look good.

 

Seriously, I f*cking hate all of this, every single second of every day. I'm just astounded by the whole thing, dumbfounded, and I want it to go away.

 

But, I guess I'm just going to try to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

 

Time to make the leap, right?

 

...I also think I have to go buy new clothes now for the date. None of the stuff I like fits anymore, I don't have anything dressy enough for this place.

 

*bangs head into wall repeatedly*

 

yup, that is what this feels like.

[tojaz]

Yeah, a big bruise on your forehead, thats what the ladies like!! Just take it slow and only take what you can handle Lupa, no need to dive in. Just stick a toe in and see what happens!

[LisaUk]

That's what I have been trying to say to you for the last week or so, this is not about you working long hours, not watching sex and the city, not writing poetry etc etc. This is about her inability to except and see a marriage for what it is, HARD WORK.

 

The problem is hers Lupa not yours, she will continue to have this pattern and problem with anyone, she had it with the ex right?

 

If she was based somewhere in reality instead of fairy STORIES then she would know that no one is perfect, no relationship is perfect and if your needs aren't being met, you have to say so, you have to work together to figure it out. You were more than able and willing if she had expressed herself to you, instead she choose to take her feelings elsewhere (OM), so again the problem is hers not yours, so quit beating yourself up!

[lupa]

so again the problem is hers not yours, so quit beating yourself up!

...I think that is love.

 

I think love is not knowing how to quit, not knowing how to stop beating yourself up.

 

I still love her, and I don't know if I ever won't. All I can do now is to take the lesson from all this and maybe find a new love some day. Then I can wrap up the old love and store it away in the attic somewhere, maybe brush it off for a trip down memory lane every once in a while.

 

I don't know. I thought love was never having to say you're sorry (nice Harvard/movie reference there, did anyone catch it?).

 

Really, though, I don't know if I loved the ex. I was very fond of her, and I'm looking forward to see if she and I have grown up at all since the last time we were together. I'm sure it wasn't love, but I think it could have been.

 

Maybe dinner/drinks will suck on thursday, I don't know. I hope not...we used to have such a time together, me and her. Her and I...ummm...we or us or whatever. Her mom, I remember very distinctly as she knew a neighbor of my family, was upset each time we stopped talking...lol. Even the ex's mom wants us together.

 

I feel like hell today.

[LisaUk]

I think you are on to something there, the love part. I am still beating myself up, just PMing Tojaz to that affect actually, so was kind of freaky you said that at this precise moment!

 

Hey, if you have the Mom on side, it's in the bag! LOL

 

Why did you guys split, because that is something you need to bear in mind, you split for a reason, that reason will still need to be resolved if this is to go anywhere. Of course, I'm thinking way ahead here, just being an old romantic!

[lupa]

I think you are on to something there, the love part. I am still beating myself up, just PMing Tojaz to that affect actually, so was kind of freaky you said that at this precise moment!

 

Hey, if you have the Mom on side, it's in the bag! LOL

 

Why did you guys split, because that is something you need to bear in mind, you split for a reason, that reason will still need to be resolved if this is to go anywhere. Of course, I'm thinking way ahead here, just being an old romantic!

We split the first time because we were in high school and that is what you do. We split the second time (2002) because she was still in an abusive relationship, I offered to be by her side but she had to cut off all contact with him. I found out she hadn't, I wrote her a letter and dropped it off at her work with a flower that she loved. We haven't spoken on an emotional level since, though we did run into each other periodically. her friend told me she cried and cried at the letter, but she never did get back in touch with me, and I moved on. I think we dated for only like two or three months...at the time I was partying a lot, and I was very immature. I'm sure I could have handled that all better, too, but I know I took a lesson or two from that into my marriage.

 

Crazy how this stuff always seems to go in circles.

 

I know, I just know I'm going to slip up at some point during the night and say to her, "My god, you are beautiful. We did have such a time together, remember?" Not because I want to, but because that is what I think. I can be a romantic sometimes, but not on purpose. That is probably what my wife saw, and then she saw it drift away.

 

I think people want passion, but we don't know what passion actually is. It starts out with the pursuit, with the romance, the chase. Then it turns into planning for the future, marriage, house, kids. Somewhere along the way, some people turn the passion into arguing and fighting and making up and they keep up that cycle until they understand the real love that is companionship. Others, like me, think that the passion becomes dedication to providing and building up the nest...and others still think it should be butterflies every day.

 

Passion is hell.

 

I don't even know what I'm writing any more...I'm being pitiful now.

 

Bring out the pity! lupa is writing.

 

Passion is grand, love is hell.

 

Ive invited my sister over for dinner (she is in from out of town). Maybe we'll just sit and talk about other things. Probably not.

[tojaz]

Love in marriage is whatever you want it to be. You can show it with flowers or chasing her around the bed, or you can do it by providing for her and striving to improve her life. it's about being driven to do for her selflessly! You had that!! Passion is just another way of expressing that drive. Anyone who expects life to be all sunshine and lollipops is in for a rude awakening, and it's coming.

 

Don't worry about slipping up, say whats on your mind and let whatever happens happen. Just like with your W you are not in the drivers seat, enjoy the ride and see where you end up!

 

TOJAZ

[TrustInYourself]

You guys are way too tied up in what your spouses/STBXs are up to and doing.

 

Who cares?

 

Pull your head out of your ass/past.

 

You should have just ignored the woman, even on the mundane. Yet you guys like to be romantic and show the STBX that you are a pawn to be played.

 

You want her respect. Blow her off. Big time. Do not try and understand her decision. Just go with it.

 

And f*cking hell. You guys sound like pansies. Go for the girl. Grow a pair.

[lupa]

You guys are way too tied up in what your spouses/STBXs are up to and doing.

 

Who cares?

 

Pull your head out of your ass/past.

 

You should have just ignored the woman, even on the mundane. Yet you guys like to be romantic and show the STBX that you are a pawn to be played.

 

You want her respect. Blow her off. Big time. Do not try and understand her decision. Just go with it.

 

And f*cking hell. You guys sound like pansies. Go for the girl. Grow a pair.

LOL...I want you to understand, TIY, that I talk about my "feelings" here. I have the date set up for thursday, 7 oclock, meet her downtown. Under control.

 

I'm just talking it all out here, being ironic, being pitiful.

 

I'm going for it, but that doesn't mean I don't lament my recent loss. Keep in mind this is only like week 6 of being separated or something. I mean, I'm going to work through it, but I do need to talk (or type).

 

I'm moving my feet, even though I don't know where I'm going et.

[Gunny376]

First off @zzhat!

How did you do in the tourney!

 

That's your first problem ~ you build us up ~ lead us on ~ and then let us down!

 

Just jokin' with ya!

 

Your doing all the right things, making all the right moves! Your putting one step in front of the other!

 

Your getting busy with living your life!

 

Your not waiting to exhale!

 

Your not gasping for your next breath!

 

You've been challenged as you've never been challenged before!

 

lupa?

 

The thing that you've got to wrap around your head?

 

Is that you didn't fail her?

 

She failed you!

 

She didn't have the self control, mental self discipline, education to meet you at the levels that you have achieved.

 

Granted she went to college and went into pharmaceutical sales ~ now unemployed.

 

 

But be it Yale, Harvard, BYU whatever?

 

Which college teaches you to be successfully married?

 

QUIT BEATING YOURSELF UP!

[lupa]

 

Gunny -- I took sixth, so now I qualify to go to the match play for the championship. If I can play like I did for the first nine in the morning, I'm golden. If I play like the second nine, I'm home early, and if I play like the third nine...well...it will be a struggle. we'll see!

 

 

As for everything else, I'm starting to come to the conclusion that she did fail us. Maybe I didn't do everything right, but I didn't give up. That, in the end, is all that matters.

 

As a side note, since I've lost all this weight, I really feel like I have no clothes to wear out on this date. I just went through my pants drawer, and ones that were fitting me two weeks ago are now a little loose...

 

...what a nice problem to have.

[phineas]

Lupa - I hear ya, i've dropped 2 pant sizes since everything began. My closet & drawers are looking mighty empty as I ditch my "fat-man" clothes.

 

I'm a bit of a golfer also.

Last night a buddy & I headed out to the Par 3. 9 holes of golf under the lights.

Beer, cigars. I shot a 65.

But, I had a hell of time doing it.

[lupa]

Lupa - I hear ya, i've dropped 2 pant sizes since everything began. My closet & drawers are looking mighty empty as I ditch my "fat-man" clothes.

 

I'm a bit of a golfer also.

Last night a buddy & I headed out to the Par 3. 9 holes of golf under the lights.

Beer, cigars. I shot a 65.

But, I had a hell of time doing it.

Glad you have fun...in one of those character flaws I have, I sometimes don't even enjoy the game, because I want every shot to be perfect. Yeah, I know, relax and have fun...but I'm so competitive that I want to WIN, and winning is fun! That was one of the things that my wife complained about -- that I want to be the best at everything I do. Pool, golf, work, soccer, school...you name it...I'm sure I could stand to settle down a little, but winning is fun.

 

as for the fat-man clothes -- yes I completely understand, and it looks like I'm going to have to go shopping now. I hate shopping, but if i could work this in somehow to spend some time with a lady, that would be awesome. I don't think I'm going to try that, though. I'll just go flirt with the salesgirls. Mmm...that would be fun, too.

[lupa]

Update: I, for a brief time today, had TWO dates scheduled for Thursday night. Excellent.

 

I'm feeling like da man right now, and it is kinda funny. Listen when I say that a woman wasn't the answer the first time around, and I really don't think that is the answer now...lol...but it is nice to have a couple of nice ladies express interest in spending time with me.

 

Hopefully I can hook up with the second one at some point, just to spend a nice evening out. She seems really smart and nice, albeit young (23 I think), but so what? She's interested in hanging out with me.

 

Yes, I'm starting to understand that there is life on the other side of divorce. Starting.

 

I'm not even divorced yet. This, however, is probably the longest I've not spoken to, interacted with, emailed, texted, contacted, saw, accidentally ran into, or satellite spied on my wife.

 

I'm starting to distract myself with other things, even though I'm still sad. I still miss her. But, I'm going to look forward to what is in store on thursday.

 

I'm buying new shoes at the minimum, and maybe some new shirts.

 

Excellent.

 

Time to cruise, people, time to get out there.

 

EDIT: got myself some new linen pants...stylin...and a couple of nice new shirts. The salesgirl helped me pick out a nice outfit for my date. Ha. I'm going to be lookin good. Sweet.