Apart and shaken

[Auroracoladybug]

Well you have the lawyer now...she is not going to get crap...and I hope your family business flourishes after this is all over and you become a millionaire lol

[lupa]

Then why am I so sad about this? Why does her suing me for way more than she should ever get make me sad?

 

How long is it going to be before the anger part actually takes hold and sets me free?

[Auroracoladybug]

Lupa you are sad about this because it is what you never wanted and never deserved...you mourn what you have lost in your own time but hun you have gotten angry and if it took hold all the time you would become an a$$...you don't need the anger all the time just to get you thru to each step...cry it out and step forward again, get mad again, keep moving I am right there with you...what the hell happened?...stay focused on you and what you deserve and this crap isn't what you or your family deserve...hugs buddy

[soheartbroken]

Such a good question Lupa. As you know, I'm also waiting for that anger to come!

 

Are you maybe sad because this is an indication that you have truly lost the old "her"? And this new alien person has taken her place...

[delajoonal]

Then why am I so sad about this? Why does her suing me for way more than she should ever get make me sad?

How long is it going to be before the anger part actually takes hold and sets me free?

well...sweet lupa...it has taken me 6 months to get angry...you know that..all i could do is cry and whine about the 'good times'....

but something snapped when i found out that the online EA had still been going on behind my back ALL this TIME!..

 

for one whole day, i was off the charts insane...like those crazy monkeys at sf zoo..LOL on monkey island..LOL

 

huge meltdown...

 

then the next day, i woke up calm and OK...

 

but the anger was there...it was a good anger, not a cry baby anger, the kind where i slam the microwave door and start telling IT what a piece of crap my H is and who does SHE/OW think she is....yadda yadda...LOL

 

i mean crazy stuff like that...but NO crying ....just getting angry..

and IT worked when H decided to show up her at MY apt. unannounced and uninvited...dumb a** sat outside the door talking to my dog for 20 minutes while i went about my business ..LOL....NO, a resounding HELL now was i letting HIM in!....

 

you want to see me, make an appt. you want a divorce, go fetch the papers and i will sign them..BAM! that's it..im DONE!

 

he has his nasty ho/cow/what the F is he thinking her over me...

NOW he gets to live in that ****** NOT so green grass...LOL..muhahahaha!

 

i am done!

 

p.s. for today anyway....tee hee:eek:

[tojaz]

Then why am I so sad about this? Why does her suing me for way more than she should ever get make me sad?

 

How long is it going to be before the anger part actually takes hold and sets me free?

 

Well, I don't know how it will be for you Lupa, but when I started to get angry, I wasn't angry at her. I was angry at the situation, at what she had done to me, OM, myself, but I don't think as a person I was ever angry at her personally. I don't know if that makes any sense, but thats how it went. I don't think anger sets you free either. Acceptance sets you free!! Not acceptance of what is happening, but seeing something in somebody else that was lacking in her. Realizing you wanted and could have more and better then what you had. Thats the first time I felt free of her! Not entirely over her and the longing is still there sometimes, but my mind and m heart are free of her grip. The thought of her no longer controls me.

TOJAZ

[Chrome Barracuda]

I used my anger to channel and focus my thoughts on making me better. I didnt use it to do anything for revenge.

 

But i tell you this much in the end, this issues are her own. I did nothing to cause them. I didnt hurt her or abuse her.

 

It was all on her. She made the choices in which she had to live with. But considering we wasnt married and wasnt together for long. I didnt need to be reminded of her. maybe you can set it up to where your lawyer is your contact point for her so that was you wont have to deal with it.

 

Learn to relax L, this isnt gonna go down the way she thinks... your gonna be fine in the long run.

[lupa]

I used my anger to channel and focus my thoughts on making me better. I didnt use it to do anything for revenge.

 

But i tell you this much in the end, this issues are her own. I did nothing to cause them. I didnt hurt her or abuse her.

 

It was all on her. She made the choices in which she had to live with. But considering we wasnt married and wasnt together for long. I didnt need to be reminded of her. maybe you can set it up to where your lawyer is your contact point for her so that was you wont have to deal with it.

 

Learn to relax L, this isnt gonna go down the way she thinks... your gonna be fine in the long run.

Thank you, chrome...you're right, it isn't going to go down that way, and relax is probably the best thing I can do.

 

I'm certainly done with any contact at all. She's cut off...only the lawyers now. I just wish I was more self-disciplined in all this...that is what I lament now. I am letting it impact all the wrong aspects of my life, badly. Next time I feel like I'm going to lose it, I'll just think of this promise I'm making to you guys here:

 

I swear that when the urge overcomes me and I'm about to act rashly, lash out, or behave in a manner that undermines my dignity, I will think of everyone here who has been through it and has told me that things will get better, and I will go back to being me, the real me, the nice me, the good me.

 

 

 

 

Anyway, the gf said to me last night that she is afraid that since I've been through marriage once already, that it might not ever be able to mean the same thing again. I thought that was interesting, and my response was that I certainly hope it will some day.

 

I don't really know what to think about that whole exchange...

[Auroracoladybug]

Lupa your gf has it wrong...for those of us who really care and will ever again decide to marry...it won't mean the same thing...it will mean a hell of a lot more to put your heart in that persons hands and all the more that you will make the efforts to make it right...I know the statistics say that a second marriage is doomed to fail more but how many of those are people who did seek help, were they the leavers, and did they ever truly find themselves after the first?...No Lupa I think those of us here on LS who are the ones who tried to stick it out are the ones who have a heart and truly can have it better...the leavers are likely to be stuck in the same hole again...

[delajoonal]

Lupa your gf has it wrong...for those of us who really care and will ever again decide to marry...it won't mean the same thing...it will mean a hell of a lot more to put your heart in that persons hands and all the more that you will make the efforts to make it right..

AMEN TO THAT SISTA!

 

.I know the statistics say that a second marriage is doomed to fail more but how many of those are people who did seek help,

 

PROLLY NONE.

 

were they the leavers, and did they ever truly find themselves after the first?

IM WITH LADYBUG ON THIS ONE...

I BET THE STATICS ARE RIGHT, BUT HOW MANY ARE RE-BOUND MARRIAGES?

 

HOW MANY NEVER GOT TO KNOW THEMSELVES BEFORE SKIPPING INTO ANOTHER LTR OR MARRIAGE?

 

THIS IS WHERE THE PROBLEM OF 2ND MARRIAGES HAVING 90% CHANCE OF DIVORCE...

 

OH, AND YA, THEY WERE CHEATERS, LEAVERS...ALL OF THE ABOVE...I AM SURE.

 

 

...No Lupa I think those of us here on LS who are the ones who tried to stick it out are the ones who have a heart and truly can have it better.

 

YES, LS'ERS ARE AWSOME KIND LOVING PEOPLE, AND NONE OF US DESEREVED WHAT WE GOT....BUT I AM WILLING TO BET...IN A YEAR FROM NOW..OR LESS...MAYBE MORE...WE WILL ALL BE BETTER OFF FOR OUR SPOUSES WALKING OUT ON US AND GIVING US A CHANCE TO BREATHE...TO REALLY LIVE AGAIN...

 

FOR MONTHS I COULD THINK OF NO BAD TIMES...

 

WELL, NOW THEY ARE ALL COMING BACK...VERY CLEARLY...AND I SO DO NOT MISS THE BATTLE EVERY 2 WEEKS ON PAY DAY...

OR BEGGING MY H TO GET OFF THE COMPUTER SO WE COULD GO FOR A WALK, A MOVIE, DINNER...FU** ANYTHING..JUST PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!!!

 

NOW I AM FREE TO LIVE MY LIFE...AND I WILL BE ALONE WHEN THAT ONE SPECIAL MAN WALKS BY AND STOPS AND REALIZES..I AM HIS FUTURE...TEE HEE...(OK, SO I AM A DREAMER...LOL):love:

 

 

..the leavers are likely to be stuck in the same hole again..

.

 

 

OMG! YES YES YES....FROM WHAT I CAN SEE, MY H HAS NOT CHANGED A BIT..HE HAS TAKEN NO TIME TO FIND HIMSELF..LIKE HE SAID HE WAS DOING, THE MID LIFE CRISIS I WAS SO UNDERSTANDING OF...PALEEZ!

 

I AM WILLING TO BET, WELL ITS BEEN 6 MONTHS H AS BEEN WITH OW, WHO IS STILL MARRIED, ETC.. YOU ALL KNOW THE STORY...I AM VERY CERTAIN, MY H WILL GET TIRED OF BEING ON THE BACK BURNER AND A YEAR FROM NOW...SHE WILL STILL BE MARRIED, H WILL STILL HAVE NOT FOUND HIMSELF...STILL STUCK IN THE EMOTIONAL RUT THAT STARTED THIS WHOLE MESS.

 

LADY BUG...GREAT POST DARLIN`...

 

P.S. IGNORE THE CAPS, I AM NOT YELLING, JUST STARTED OUT TYPING THAT WAY AND BEFORE I REALIZED IT, IT WAS TOO LATE TO GO BACK AND RE-DO EVERYTHING..LOL.....

 

I REPEAT..I AM NOT YELLING...LOL:D:bunny:

[tojaz]

Thank you, chrome...you're right, it isn't going to go down that way, and relax is probably the best thing I can do.

 

I'm certainly done with any contact at all. She's cut off...only the lawyers now. I just wish I was more self-disciplined in all this...that is what I lament now. I am letting it impact all the wrong aspects of my life, badly. Next time I feel like I'm going to lose it, I'll just think of this promise I'm making to you guys here:

 

I swear that when the urge overcomes me and I'm about to act rashly, lash out, or behave in a manner that undermines my dignity, I will think of everyone here who has been through it and has told me that things will get better, and I will go back to being me, the real me, the nice me, the good me.

 

 

 

Anyway, the gf said to me last night that she is afraid that since I've been through marriage once already, that it might not ever be able to mean the same thing again. I thought that was interesting, and my response was that I certainly hope it will some day.

 

I don't really know what to think about that whole exchange...

 

I like the promise Lupa!! Stick to it, so you can walk away with your integrity bro, thats something she can't take from you!

 

On the GF, shes sizing you up!

TOJAZ

[Auroracoladybug]

Thanks dela!

 

I think the biggest thing for me is that those of us going thru this crap have to have a positive outlook that we will make it better for us! Forget the leavers they thought we were bad??? We didn't give up!

 

Lupa you have an amazing heart and I bet you are a great man...do the things that you need to do for you and treat the gf right...tojaz is right she is sizing you up to see if you are really there for her too...there is so much that a woman has to look into for a real man one is showing his true feelings and I think that you have done remakably well

 

for ladies like dela, me, and others like us...we want a man who will be there for us as much as we are there for them and work thru anything not fall away like a weeping willow...I want a good ol oak tree of a man that stands up for himself and me (call me an old fashioned romantic)...I hope that makes sense

[phineas]

I can honestly say that of the 4 people I personally know on their 2nd marriage:

 

1. the 2nd has lasted longer than the 1st so far.

2. They are far happier in their 2nd marriage than I remember them being in their 1st.

 

It's almost as if the first one was the test run & they hopefully got it right on their 2nd.

 

I also know a few people that have been married more than twice & don't look like their going stop re-marrying. I try to distance myself from them.

[lupa]

y'all make smile...and you are right. Hopefully learning about myself through all this will put me in a better position the next time around.

 

I know you are all going to tell me to slow down, but the gf is long term material...it is scary. I know I'm rushing into this, but believe when I say that anything like that is a long way off. Instead, she's going to have dinner with me and the parents tonight. Keep in mind they've known her a little over 15 yrs as well, so this isn't going to be that awkward "I want you to meet mom and dad" thing, it will be more like "wow, remember all those years ago? What have you been up to since?" awkward thing. lol.

 

I dunno.

 

Keep i mind I always liked her, and I would think about her when I was unhappy in my marriage. I never would have done anything on it, because I'm not that guy, but shoot, I never really got her out of my head entirely.

 

Whee! This is fun...like watching that busload of nuns go plummeting off a cliff. Don't...wanna...watch...can't...look...away!!!

 

lol.

 

I like her, I really do. Now we have to see if we have the wherewithal and discipline for something more.

[Cali Chris]

Hey Lupa, glad to see things are going well with the GF!! I still check in here once and awhile, see how everyone's doing. I agree with the things that ladybug and delajoonal are talking...

 

..the leavers are likely to be stuck in the same hole again..

 

going on the 9 month and I totally agree!!

 

I'm not the leaver and I clearly see , the STBXW isnt as happy as she thought she would be, and it's only a matter of time, before the OM realizes the same things I know!

 

Keep your head up! Again stick to your promise!! In the end we will be ok!! and we will all find our way back to being who we really are!!!

[tojaz]

I know you are all going to tell me to slow down, but the gf is long term material...it is scary.

 

All the more reason to slow down. Long term=no rush!!

TOJAZ

[TrustInYourself]

All the more reason to slow down. Long term=no rush!!

TOJAZ

 

Agree. You thought the same with your STBXW and now look where you are.

[lupa]

Agree. You thought the same with your STBXW and now look where you are.

Wow. Thanks for that severely depressing look at my own personal judgment. ...I'm only half joking.

 

I keep saying this a lot lately, not just here, but this woman and I have 16 yrs of history, high school puppy love, unbridled passion 7 yrs ago but we were young, stupid, and inexperienced, and now we are looking at each other through wiser eyes.

 

I think.

 

Sure I like the company, but remember, I'd already fallen for her hard in the past, it was extenuating circumstances that ruined it last time.

 

She is from where I am from. Turns out our families were friends 50 yrs ago! We have the same experiences, and I love her drive and dedication to her work. I just like her a lot...I'm not going to propose this week or anything, but I am letting this go at its own pace.

 

Maybe that is dumb, maybe I should put the brakes on, but in reality, why shouldnt I let this go at its own pace, and if it crashes and burns, so be it. Or, this could be the acid test of the relationship...if we can stay together through the "crazy times" then we can stay together through anything.

[tojaz]

Wow. Thanks for that severely depressing look at my own personal judgment. ...I'm only half joking.

 

I keep saying this a lot lately, not just here, but this woman and I have 16 yrs of history, high school puppy love, unbridled passion 7 yrs ago but we were young, stupid, and inexperienced, and now we are looking at each other through wiser eyes.

 

I think.

 

Sure I like the company, but remember, I'd already fallen for her hard in the past, it was extenuating circumstances that ruined it last time.

 

She is from where I am from. Turns out our families were friends 50 yrs ago! We have the same experiences, and I love her drive and dedication to her work. I just like her a lot...I'm not going to propose this week or anything, but I am letting this go at its own pace.

 

Maybe that is dumb, maybe I should put the brakes on, but in reality, why shouldnt I let this go at its own pace, and if it crashes and burns, so be it. Or, this could be the acid test of the relationship...if we can stay together through the "crazy times" then we can stay together through anything.

 

TIY isn't talking about your personal judgement! You made your decisions based on the information she gave you. If we all could see what our spouses would do in the future, LS would be a blank page.

 

Moving at it's own pace is sound reasoning Lup, just remember that the pace that is best for the relationship, and the pace that is best for you could all be very different. I'm speaking from personal experience here. I honestly hope it works out, and a few years from now were discussing little Lupas on the parenting board. LOL

TOJAZ

[Gunny376]

I understand that you and the GF, and your respective families have a very long history together?

 

But that all flies out the widows should this turn into marriage or a LTR.

 

When we get married (And I literally do not mean this as a bar room joke) we are actually marrying three ~ potentially three different people?

 

The one we think we're marrying!

 

The one we're actually marrying?

 

The one that comes about as a result of having been married to YOU!

 

There's a potential person that may or may come about as a result of marriage and that is the person you meet in divorce court (which your finding out about NOW) as in, "I cannot believe that's the same person I married and have been married to all of these years!)

 

Each marriage is different of course ~ that is to say all marriage are the same, yet they are each and individually different? That's just human nature.

 

I believe what happen in your marriage was that the wife left because of serendipitous events that happen over the course of the marriage ~ how you reacted to them ~ how she reacted to them ~ how you responded to each other over them?

 

They build up over the course of time? Big ones, small ones?

 

The man's perspective is "Whew! We got over that!" or "Whew we dodged the bullet on that one!"

 

The thing most men don't get nor understand? Is that when they get with a woman? The get a 'sack'!

 

Some men's sack are larger with different women? Some are smaller? When the sack gets filled?

 

Your history!

 

Every little, small transgression you ever made goes into the 'sack"

 

Everything you said, or didn't say! Everything you did or didn't do? Goes into the 'sack'!

 

It may be forgiven at the time and for the moment? But its not forgotten!

 

It goes into the 'sack'

 

It ties into the "Love Bank" analogy that you've got to make more deposits than withdrawals.

 

The problem with the "Love Bank" analogy is that it supposes that if you make more deposits than withdrawals ~ you'll be A-OK! (If we ever meet up for a beer ~ remind me to tell you about A-OK, a helicopter crew chief, a 40 + year old CH-46 Helicopter, co-pilot and pneumatic oil ~ I was never more motivated to repel from a helicopter in my LIFE! :lmao: )

 

The problem with the "Love Bank" analogy?

 

Any and all 'over-drafts" for and with most women are NEVER forgiven!

 

Its kind of like owing the IRS, 'pay-day' loans, loan-shark loans, and title loans! Once they've got you? They've got you and there's no way of getting out.

 

I'm not saying dump the GF.

 

All I'm saying is go slow! Go easy!

 

I like to go for a walk everyday.

 

I figured that's the speed God meant us to go?

 

I think that's the way we should live the rest of our lives!

 

I've lived the stressful, high paced, hurry up life!

 

Go! Go! Go!

 

Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!

 

Which ended up being Stress, stress, stress!

 

What good is to have the Big House, the Benz, the boat, to be a multi-millionaire ~if your dead by age 50?

 

The most miserable guy I know owns the company that I work for?

 

He's miserable ~ I sometimes meet him in the hallways at night (I work second shift) drunk as Hell!

 

I have had to call the gate guards to come help put his drunk @zz in the car and drive him home.

 

He's fired me forty times while drunk, not to remember it the next day?

 

Just one of his companies (he owns about twenty or so) made 150 million this last year.

 

I write all of this to you Lupa because from your posts?

 

You belong to such a family and such a business?

 

(You don't have to clarify ~ that's just my assumption)

 

IMHO?

 

What did your marriage in?

 

STRESS!

 

Again you don't have to clarify!

 

What I'm trying to get you to understand?

 

Is not that it was what you did or didn't do?

 

But the stress of your job/life that made you become the person you were during and over the course of the marriage!

 

You've got to give credit to the fact that you are mostly definitely not the same person that you were six months let alone six years ago ~ nor will you be six years from now?

 

If you think are thinking that you and the GF are picking up where off where when you were in HS ~ then you are sadly mistaken! Both of you are totally the same and totally different from back in the day!

 

It would seem to me that you would need to go into a relationship with set priorities. I understand that your job is demanding ~ but you need to achieve a balance between your personal life and and your professional life?

 

Its pretty much like achieving Marine marksmanship?

 

Front sight picture

 

Rear sight picture

 

Target acquisition

 

Its consecrating on three different aspects of the same perspective at the same time.

 

For you it would be:

 

Professional Life

 

Personal Life

 

Real Life!

 

With that you would be 'true' on target and hit 'bulls eye' everytime!

[tojaz]

AWESOME GUNNY, just AWESOME. Best post I've read in a Looong time. I was going to write something to ole Lup but I think it's covered.

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

Gunny Rule No. #1

 

Relationships?

 

Easy to get into!

Can be hard to maintain?

Difficult to get out of!

 

Gunny Rule No. # 2

 

After a divorce and/or relationship?

 

Don't get involved with anyone until at least one year (preferably two)

until the ink is dried on the papers!

 

Gunny Rule No. # 3

 

Take time to get to know yourself, understand yourself!

 

Gunny Rule No. #4

 

Learn to enjoy your own company!

 

Gunny Rule No. #5

 

Don't get with someone just to keep from being alone!

 

Gunny Rule No. #6

 

Don't get married nor in a relationship just to keep from being alone!

 

Gunny Rule No. # 7

 

Learn to overcome the pain of loneliness!

 

Gunny Rule No. #8

 

Learn to grow from the pain ~ for without it? There's not much to gain! Pain is weakness leaving the body!

 

Gunny Rule No. #9

 

Learn! Damnit Learn!

 

Gunny Rule No. #10

 

Improvise, Adapt, and Over-come!

 

Gunny Rule No. # 11

 

What one will abuse? Another can certainly use!

 

Gunny Rule No. # 12

 

There's no shortage of men and women! The world is covered up with them! Over 6 billion of them!

 

Gunny Rule No. #13

 

Thou shalt not beat thou-self up!

 

Gunny Rule No. #14

 

Identify your weaknesses and shortcomings ~ and forgive yourself of such! Your only human.

 

Gunny Rule No. #15

 

Be you and who you are! Someone has a problem with that? That's what it is! Their problem!

 

Gunny Rule No. #16

 

Live life to its fullest and to its top! Life is short ~ damn short ~ from cradle to age 70 ~ you've only got about 25,000 days to live! And comes at you quick, fast and in a hurry!

 

Gunny Rule No. #17

 

Get busy living ~ or get your @zz busy dying!

 

Gunny Rule No. #18

 

Life's to short to hold grudges ~ pick up the phone already and tell them your sorry!

 

Gunny Rule No. #19

 

Don't let pride hold you back!

 

Gunny Rule No. #20

 

Be quick to say "I'm sorry!"

 

Gunny Rule No. #21

 

Be quick to forgive!

 

Gunny Rule No. #22

 

Be even quicker to forget!

 

Gunny Rule No. #23

 

There are plenty of @zzholes and such in the world? Wake up each morning and resolve not to be one! The world is covered up with them!

This was on my thread, but it bears repeating, thanx again Gunny.

TOJAZ

 

1,000 posts! Yeah ME!!!! LOL

[lupa]

well, all, you are starting to understand my predicament, then. I don't think it will be the same with the girlfriend as it was in the past...fact is I wouldn't want it to. Keep in mind we dated in high school, and then we dated again eight years later after I went to college, lived in a couple of different cities, then moved back home. We fell for each other hard, but extenuating circumstances kept us apart. Then seven more years pass...I got married, got a house, settled down in my job, marriage fell apart, divorce started; the gf got fed up with the transience of bartending and waitressing and decided to work her own way through nursing school.

 

We find ourselves together again, older, smarter, more mature, disciplined...and completely blown away by the possibility of being together. I had a conversation with her about how marriage takes work, how it takes effort from both people to keep it going, and how I've learned so much from this past experience. I also told her, and I quote, "This hurts right now, and there is a lot I have to go through."

 

"I'll be here for you, while you do it. We can go through it together, if you want."

 

I really fell for her before, and now...I mean she just knocks my socks off. My folks really liked her, and I actually like the group of friends she keeps. There are good folks there, and I think that is important. My friends think she is awesome...so, I guess the real thing is that I'm going to let it go at its own pace.

 

I'm not going to be all "lets move in together" but, for example when I'm looking for new houses, I'm going to look at places that would convenient for the both of us. I'm not going to tell her, but I'm sure she'll understand if she thinks about it, and really, it will only equal about 7-10 more minutes drive to work, maybe, in the area that would allow us to go opposite directions to work.

 

I can see us together for a long time, so I know that means we have time. Hell, my lawyer hasn't even responded yet to that psychotic request for money my wife made. Interestingly enough, I was pretty stressed after meeting my lawyer, and the gf was like, "You're a little high strung."

 

"This is pretty hard."

 

"Let the lawyer stress for you, that's why you're paying him, and just enjoy time with me."

 

We stayed in and watched a movie, and it was nice.

 

I think y'all think I'm moving too fast because of how I'm writing it out here...but I'm working through my feelings here, I think, so it seems a little more intense.

 

Anyway, believe me when I say there were lessons learned, and I'm going to take your advice and these lessons with me throughout the rest of my life.

[PWSX3]

Lupa, having someone to care for you is great but the newness does wear off & it does get harder. Or at least in my situation it has.

 

I feel it is easier to start with someone when we are younger because once we get older we are more set in our way so it is hard to compromise.

 

I do wish you the best, I know with my G/F we have had some issues but have been able to work them out because we both know we have to talk about it.

[Auroracoladybug]

Lupa I understand what you are saying and all I can say is I wish for you the best...you deserve it...noone knows if things will last or not (otherwise would any of us be here?). My father met my mother while the divorce was being finalized...they were engaged 6 months later and married for 33yrs LOL...my dad looked so young that my mom did not know till the week of their wedding that my dad was 10yrs older...

 

PW you are not old so you are not set in your way You are only as old as you want to be