Gunny376 Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 More and more the GF sounds awesome! And I'm not saying not pursue the relationship with her? I'm just saying instead of your saying "Full Steam Ahead" to cut to half or a quarter. Which as it sounds? You have! My main concern is that when going through a divorce? We often 're-bound' into another relationship ~ and once we regain our confidence? We tell the other party ~ "Thanks! I'm feeling much better now about myself and my life! I'll think I'll move one from here without you! Have a good Life!" Just trying to keep you real and grounded! Link to post Share on other sites
Cali Chris Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 I dont post much, but I come here and read and listen and take it all in! I'm going through a rough time, and so are many here. So I listen and I'm really glad that there is a forum here, I dont know what I would have done without all the words,and thoughts from you here! I wish everyone the best, Lupa I'm glad things are going well!!Keep posting guys and I 'll be here listening, thanks , really! A whole lot!! Gunny, Tojaz, TIY, Acro. Thanks!!! Link to post Share on other sites
MrMayI Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 i say keep it up lupa. i think you had already hit the enlightenment and understanding point just before your new lady stepped into the picture. i'm glad to see she understands what you're going through. it seems like she's wanting to advert your attention from it now, though, so let her do just that. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Some clarification is needed here. Per a PM, not only is the GF supporting, caring, and someone with a sixteen year history with Lupa ~ she's pretty damn hard Corps, self supporting and independent. She's nobody's fool! And Lupa would be a Fool to just let her walk on by. And if he does? Then give her my phone number ~ BR549! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lupa Posted September 1, 2009 Author Share Posted September 1, 2009 So I may have done a stupid thing this morning...we'll see how this pans out. The girlfriend came over last night, and we were supposed to make steaks. Instead we had phenomenal sex on the couch...nice. So we decide to go out to a local restaurant instead of cooking, as it was getting on in the evening and we didn't have anything to make with the steaks. then we came back and had more phenomenal sex. Sat together, talked, I played the guitar (I suck at it, so I only play stuff I make up), and we just generally enjoyed each other's company. So this morning we are up, I'm getting ready for work, and we go sit downstairs in the dining room to eat a little breakfast...and I got, well, I got emotional. I didn't really show it, and would that I could have stopped by stupid f*cking brain from saying it out loud. But she was sitting in the seat the wife used to when we'd eat breakfast, I was in "my" seat. It just overwhelmed me and I looked at her and said, "You know, this is going to be hard sometimes." She looked at me, puzzled, so I said, "This is the first time I've sat at this table for breakfast in...months." Her demeanor changed instantly, everything felt awkward, and I was kicking my own ass in my mind. I tried to let it go, but it was weird, so as we were picking up the plates I asked if what I said freaked her out. She said no, it has only been a short time, things like this are to be expected. It just was...awkward after that. I held her for a minute, we kissed, but I could see the gears turning in her head. Stupid stupid stupid stupid. I don't know what came over me...nostalgia? Sense of loss? I don't know...I mean we woke up this morning and just cuddled for a while. I never do that. I never liked it before. Everything was perfect, and I go and do something retarded. Stupid stupid stupid stupid. We'll see how she responds today. I'll call her later, maybe we'll just play it off like nothing happened. ...doh. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 It'll be alright Lupa, she knows what your going through. Just be honest with her! If it makes you uncomfortable to heve her sit in the wifes seat, let her know but also tell her your glad your together. The triggers are going to hit for a long time! I'm home sick and all alone. Broke down for the first time in quite awhile. It's going to happen bud. The gears are probably turning in her head, but I wouldn't worry too much, she sees the same in you. Just talk to her and let her know where your heads at. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author lupa Posted September 1, 2009 Author Share Posted September 1, 2009 It'll be alright Lupa, she knows what your going through. Just be honest with her! If it makes you uncomfortable to heve her sit in the wifes seat, let her know but also tell her your glad your together. The triggers are going to hit for a long time! I'm home sick and all alone. Broke down for the first time in quite awhile. It's going to happen bud. The gears are probably turning in her head, but I wouldn't worry too much, she sees the same in you. Just talk to her and let her know where your heads at. TOJAZ Talk about the acid test of a relationship...I guess if she lasts through my divorce, she'll last through everything..? Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 Talk about the acid test of a relationship...I guess if she lasts through my divorce, she'll last through everything..? Sure will be a challenge, but it sounds like shes up for it. She sounds like one of the good ones. All the more reason I kept telling you to proceed with caution! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author lupa Posted September 1, 2009 Author Share Posted September 1, 2009 Yup, today is a backslide day. I feel so hollow inside, even though I just spent a wonderful night with a beautiful girl who likes me a lot. What the hell is wrong with me..? Get some strength! I just miss my wife, is all. Damn. Damn it all. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 I think thats a typo Lupa. I think your where I am right now. I miss my Life! Not so much my Wife. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
broken hearted Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 I'm right there with you Lupa! I am backsliding tremendously this past week and still this week! I think it's because the birth of our baby will happen anyday now and I am just so heartbroken that my precious innocent baby has to come into this world that my husband created for it! I'm so weak today, I just wrote my husband an email telling him I can't understand how something so incredibly right could go so incredibly wrong...I wish I had more strength, I SHOULD NOT have wrote that email! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 I'm right there with you Lupa! I am backsliding tremendously this past week and still this week! I think it's because the birth of our baby will happen anyday now and I am just so heartbroken that my precious innocent baby has to come into this world that my husband created for it! I'm so weak today, I just wrote my husband an email telling him I can't understand how something so incredibly right could go so incredibly wrong...I wish I had more strength, I SHOULD NOT have wrote that email! We do what we need to to get by Broken. Did you send it? I sent a lot of sappy E-mails too. Unfortunately they were all replied cold as ice, nothing gets through Broken. In the end I realized I was writing them more for me then for her. I had to be doing something, anything to stay in the fight. Don't beat yourself up for writing it, we all do it. Sad thing is, itwas some of the best tthings i have ever wrote and they all fell on deaf ears. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
broken hearted Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 Why is it that it's so much easier to express how much you love and care about someone when it's too late! I admit, there were definitely times that I did not tell my husband how much he meant to me or how lucky I felt I was to have him. Now, I can say it in practically every language but he doesn't hear any of it... It just makes no sense how someone can stop loving and caring about someone you have so many memories and so much history with...overnight! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lupa Posted September 1, 2009 Author Share Posted September 1, 2009 I fight that out in my head every day, and the only thing I can think of is that they have to turn us into monsters so they can justify their own disgusting behavior. I never did anything to deserve this kind of treatment, yet she is going to stick to it, because that is the only way she can look in the mirror and not puke. I'm a good guy with a good heart. Everyone has flaws...but there is nothing I did, or any of you did (unless you beat them or mentally abused them) to be disrespected. I'd love to be able to sit down and have the conversation where she actually pinpoints what went wrong, just like you did in your email, broken. But it won't happen...she'd never do that, because she has to tell herself I'm evil to be able to move on. Why does she want to move on? I think she is running from herself, but it easier to blame me. So sad, because we had such good times together. Unless, of course, the whole thing was faked... The girlfriend just sits there and looks at me with those eyes...the eyes that say what she is thinking and feeling, and I catch myself looking back. but I'm not able to get the wife out of my head. I need to express to the girlfriend that this is a journey that I have to take, and it isn't a reflection on how I feel for her. It is more like I have to just work through the last vestiges of my previous life. Gah. Frustrated today. Sad, too. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 Why is it that it's so much easier to express how much you love and care about someone when it's too late! I admit, there were definitely times that I did not tell my husband how much he meant to me or how lucky I felt I was to have him. Now, I can say it in practically every language but he doesn't hear any of it... It just makes no sense how someone can stop loving and caring about someone you have so many memories and so much history with...overnight! Sent you a PM Broken! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 I think you hit the nail on the head Lupa. That and pride. Pride that they have said and done so many awful things that they can never take them back and admit the mistake. In the end My wife admitted to me that I was not as she had portrayed me to others as she made her exit. Unfortunately she isn't willing to reveal that to the world, and my stupid a$$ sent out her B-day card today! TOJAZ IS A SUCKER!!!!!!!!! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author lupa Posted September 1, 2009 Author Share Posted September 1, 2009 My buddy said my wife was defending me to this other girl at a gathering recently...but that doesn't keep her from treating me like sh*t. I think that is what is going on -- she has to convince herself that I'm bad, but then she'll go out and tell everyone else I'm good. She is so confused, and just messed up everything. ...the thing that is pissing me off the most about this whole situation now (I mean, like in these five minutes) is that I went and created a job here at work for my wife's sister's husband (does that count as a brother-in-law) when he couldn't find work a couple of summers ago. We didn't need what he did for us, but we paid him well and kept him employed for like 6 weeks. Well, I haven't heard a peep out of anyone from her side of the family. Completely cut off. That makes me so mad, because all we ever did was be nice to them. On top of that, when my wife's family couldn't afford the wedding that she wanted at my country club, we had the club write up a fake invoice to give to her parents, and my dad covered the rest without them knowing it. Shoot...she is in for a rude awakening in her future. Link to post Share on other sites
MrMayI Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 i hate that her family hasn't contacted me, at all. my brother-in-law did when all of this started, but immediately after speaking with her ceased communication. i know it's because she demonized me to all of them, and look at her now. all the way across the country from them, acting in a disgusting, embarassing manner. the only positive thing she'd better say about me is that i'm my little girl's only daddy, and NO ONE will ever replace me. ever. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 Why is it that it's so much easier to express how much you love and care about someone when it's too late! I admit, there were definitely times that I did not tell my husband how much he meant to me or how lucky I felt I was to have him. Now, I can say it in practically every language but he doesn't hear any of it... It just makes no sense how someone can stop loving and caring about someone you have so many memories and so much history with...overnight! I told my ex how much I loved him and how much he meant to me nearly every day for 18 years, so based on my experience it would not have made the slightest bit of difference Broken. This isn't about you or what you did/didn't do, this is about him and his issues with facing up to his responsibilitys that he created! Lupa, my ex's family have known me since I was 15 years old, not so much as a note even just to say, hope you're ok! But then, look what they raised! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lupa Posted September 1, 2009 Author Share Posted September 1, 2009 Lupa, my ex's family have known me since I was 15 years old, not so much as a note even just to say, hope you're ok! But then, look what they raised! Yep...that's the feeling I'm getting, too. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 i hate that her family hasn't contacted me, at all. my brother-in-law did when all of this started, but immediately after speaking with her ceased communication. i know it's because she demonized me to all of them, and look at her now. all the way across the country from them, acting in a disgusting, embarassing manner. the only positive thing she'd better say about me is that i'm my little girl's only daddy, and NO ONE will ever replace me. ever. I had a good relationship with the ex's family. We spoke at the very begining and they had no clue what she had been doing, even though she told me she had shared everything! So now I'm the manipulative ********* that tried to turn her family against her, using that devious tactic called the truth! I wrote them after everything was final, just to thank them for welcoming me and treating me well for the last 13 years. The reply was that she was much happier now that shes divorced and I should just get over it. :mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad: TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Ouch. That's not very nice. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Tojaz The old saying blood is thicker than water. I have a sister who was a WAW to her second husband. And is now seeing a no good. She is my sister, so I do support her publicly, but I did give her my opinion in private It is her life, so she can do what she wants, but she does know not to expect much sympathy when the you know what hits the fan Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 lupa I was in your GF shoes, she had an abusive XH, followed by a BF she was in love with for several years. The relationship crumbled, he left to straighten out his act, and two months later we went out on our first date. At that time she no longer trusted men, and definitely never wanted to fall in love again. If your GF is smart she will do as you are doing, take it slow, realize that there will be some back sliding, and it might work out. It took about a year before she told me she loved me. And maybe another year before she told me she was in love with me. What made it work? Understanding on both sides, me knowing we were no longer teenagers, falling in love for the first time, and knowing that she had some baggage when it came to trust and love issues. And on her part, she decided to take a chance with me, and when the XBF did come back, even though her emotions wanted to go with him, she had built up enough emotion and some trust with me, she stayed with me. Also, it didn't hurt that her son told the XBF that his mom was happy and he should move on Link to post Share on other sites
Author lupa Posted September 2, 2009 Author Share Posted September 2, 2009 She was upset, I was right. We talked about it last night for a bit...I brought it up, and said something like "I didn't mean to upset you this morning." Basically she told me that she was unhappy I wasn't in the moment with her, after spending such a wonderful evening together, waking up together. I tried to explain that there are certain things that will set off memories, and the first time that happens it is usually painful and then I'm fine after that. Shoot, I couldn't go to the grocery store for like the first month without wanting to cry on the frozen corn. Now it is fine. It was just the first morning I sat at the dining room table to eat breakfast...since the last time I did that with my wife. It brought back some pain. I explained that there are things I'm going to have to go through, and I want her with me...if we make it through this, we can make it through anything. I bet she is reserved tonight and distant when she comes over. Nothing a little wine and some lupa lovin' can't fix, though. Link to post Share on other sites
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