Apart and shaken

[tojaz]

I get what happened Lup, just remember that shes coping with all this too. While I know theres no stopping the triggers for you, believe me I know, the las thing she wants to hear after a night of "lupa loving" (ICK!! don't ever say that again!!) is about your wife, especially since your still married to her. This is a lot for her to deal with too and shes going to be watching you very closely. She sounds very understanding though Lup, shes a good one!

TOJAZ

[lupa]

Oh yeah, I also broke the 10 days of no contact with the wife yesterday. I wrote an email that I needed to get off y chest, and it was nice and caring and good.

 

Her first line of her response "The only purpose I can see in your sending me this is to hurt me."

 

lol.

 

the whole freaking thing was me saying sorry for hurting her to the point of wanting this. I wasn't groveling, I didn't want her back, I don't now (I don't think). It was me saying that it pains me terribly that we got to this point, and I never wanted that.

 

"...is to hurt me."

 

Nowhere was I accusatory, mean, vindictive, nothing. She has to take even a nice gesture and turn it evil...that must be how she gets through her day. What a shame.

 

I am just looking for closure...I want to move on with the gf and make a new life, but I need to stop this old one, and I need closure.

[tojaz]

Your not going to get it the way you want it Lupa. As soon as i came to grips with what i had become in her eyes, she changed the rules. I wish I knew why they did that. I shared a very heartfelt letter to my wife saying basicly that I was letting her go. She threw a chair at me and said i was being manipulative. I've shared it with a few people on LS and they don't see it. It's just WTF, nothing else to say.

TOJAZ

[lupa]

Then maybe I'll just out and tell her that I found someone, someone who I've loved in the past, and I want her to let me move on. I might as well be honest, then, if I'm not going to get it through trying to be nice.

 

I want the wife out of my life, my world, my head, so that I can fully focus on the gf.

 

How's that for manipulative? How's that for "trying to hurt" her?

 

Screw it, why do I try to be nice? What the hell is wrong with me?

 

You know, there are about a million things I could say that would hurt her. More than that. I could just open up on her if hurting her was my goal...it isn't. I just want to close this chapter and move the hell on.

 

Crazy times.

[tojaz]

Then maybe I'll just out and tell her that I found someone, someone who I've loved in the past, and I want her to let me move on. I might as well be honest, then, if I'm not going to get it through trying to be nice.

 

I want the wife out of my life, my world, my head, so that I can fully focus on the gf.

 

How's that for manipulative? How's that for "trying to hurt" her?

 

Screw it, why do I try to be nice? What the hell is wrong with me?

 

You know, there are about a million things I could say that would hurt her. More than that. I could just open up on her if hurting her was my goal...it isn't. I just want to close this chapter and move the hell on.

 

Crazy times.

 

I wouldn't tell her, shes already laid out how she wants to proceed with the D, it's all about the $$$. I wouldn't do anything that keep her pushing for more. Just let it lie and if yo have a passive agressive streak in you, let it slip whats been going on after the fact. The more guilt she has (and she does) the more willing she's going to be to deal. That sounds manipulative, but look at how she's treated you.

TOJAZ

[lupa]

and if yo have a passive agressive streak in you,

You mean like having sex on every piece of furniture she is taking with her, including her grandfather's writing desk? I would never have done that already, no sir.

 

Yeah, I'm a little vindictive about things, but only when I'm treated poorly.

 

She wrote more in her response that I can propose a counter and she will consider it, and she wants to move quickly. My guess is either she thinks she found someone, or she is motivated by guilt. The point is that on some level I need to understand what happened, and I feel like that is just not ever going to happen.

 

frustrating.

[WTFO]

If I were you, I would re arrange your house so it never looked like it did when you were with her. Throw that F'n chair and table away. Buy something together instead.

 

You can do only so much, I understand but you get my point. Start a new. Yes it sucks those feelings come back every now and again, but i think it will help you slowly to get her out of your mind. Oh, and I wouldn't come out and tell the new GF anything about the old ex's seat at breakfast,favorite picture,favorite food etc. Keep it to yourself and tell a best friend,parent or even here. I don't think she wants to hear anything from the past. She can only take so much you know? Once again these are my opinions and I wish you the best bro. She sounds like a keeper.

[tojaz]

You mean like having sex on every piece of furniture she is taking with her, including her grandfather's writing desk? I would never have done that already, no sir.

:laugh::lmao: Yeah, i meant something like that, well played sir!!:p:laugh:

Yeah, I'm a little vindictive about things, but only when I'm treated poorly.

 

She wrote more in her response that I can propose a counter and she will consider it, and she wants to move quickly. My guess is either she thinks she found someone, or she is motivated by guilt. The point is that on some level I need to understand what happened, and I feel like that is just not ever going to happen.

 

frustrating.

 

To be honest Lups, she may not even know what happened bro. It could take years for all the pieces to come together, for right now it just has to be what it is man, it's out of your control.

TOJAZ

[SRV]

Then maybe I'll just out and tell her that I found someone, someone who I've loved in the past, and I want her to let me move on. I might as well be honest, then, if I'm not going to get it through trying to be nice.

 

 

 

Crazy times.

 

Do not tell her, the saying "silentium est aureum - silence is golden" should be your guiding principle in getting through and over this and for your own mental well being. Good luck!

[Auroracoladybug]

Lupa...I think you should mark every piece of furniture she is taking with her LOL...take in every moment that you are enjoying as just that a good moment and kick the W to the curb in your mind...she is all about $$$ you are all about heart...good communication with the GF and keep it up! As far as the W don't bother with communication...plot revenge when she starts stuff!...

[tojaz]

Lupa...I think you should mark every piece of furniture she is taking with her LOL...take in every moment that you are enjoying as just that a good moment and kick the W to the curb in your mind...she is all about $$$ you are all about heart...good communication with the GF and keep it up! As far as the W don't bother with communication...plot revenge when she starts stuff!...

 

Sounds like Ladybug has a little passive agressive streak in her too! Maybe thats what I need VENGENCE!!:mad: Wish she had a sister, thats what I did in Highschool! LOL J/K

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

Personally I think you should just rise above it all Lupa, otherwise you are degrading yourself to her level by being passive aggressive.

 

On a personal note my ex was a bit passive aggressive on reflection, VERY hurtful. I think if you have a problem with someone, be honest, be direct and be respectful. (If you do that and they choose to interpret it another way, that is their problem, don't play games). Maybe if your w had been you wouldn't be here now, but two wrongs do not make a right.

 

Besides all that, it just shows you are not over her, you still love her and you still care enough to give a damm. Not only to her, but to the new GF as well!

[tojaz]

Personally I think you should just rise above it all Lupa, otherwise you are degrading yourself to her level by being passive aggressive.

 

On a personal note my ex was a bit passive aggressive on reflection, VERY hurtful. I think if you have a problem with someone, be honest, be direct and be respectful. (If you do that and they choose to interpret it another way, that is their problem, don't play games). Maybe if your w had been you wouldn't be here now, but two wrongs do not make a right.

 

Besides all that, it just shows you are not over her, you still love her and you still care enough to give a damm. Not only to her, but to the new GF as well!

 

Thats very true Lisa, and I'm usually the first one to bring up the moral high ground, but at the same time, there is only so long someone can be treated like trash and just take it to be the better man/woman. I'm not saying revenge is the answer, but you cant be a punching bag either. If Lup gets some satisfaction out of "breaking in" the furniture, so be it. He's earned a little juvenille retribution!

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

Thats very true Lisa, and I'm usually the first one to bring up the moral high ground, but at the same time, there is only so long someone can be treated like trash and just take it to be the better man/woman. I'm not saying revenge is the answer, but you cant be a punching bag either. If Lup gets some satisfaction out of "breaking in" the furniture, so be it. He's earned a little juvenille retribution!

TOJAZ

 

Revenge comes by living your life well without them. Phineas is the perfect example, as is PW. In particular Phin was treated like s**t by his stbx, she had an affair for two years and they (Phin and his w) had a child in the midst of it.

 

Yet he has done nothing in revenge on his w, he is getting in shape, concentrating on his children and work and considering starting to date when he feels ready. It doesn't mean he is a punchbag, it just means he is getting on with his life, realising he is better off without her in it and not depreciating himself.

 

If it makes Lup's feel better fine, it's up to him how he chooses to respond to life, the consequences of which he also will have to deal with. Just my opinion.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Lupa it's time to end your marriage, why walk around being married and disrespecting yourself. Take the hit and move on already. Your GF is watching your actions as well.

[LisaUk]

Lupa it's time to end your marriage, why walk around being married and disrespecting yourself. Take the hit and move on already. Your GF is watching your actions as well.

 

 

Yeah, well said Chrome, that's exactly what I was getting at! Took a striaght talking vet to say it though, cheers!

[Gunny376]

Whenever you throw dirt?

 

You lose a little ground!

 

She's crazy for leaving Lupa ~ but man?

 

Just let her go!

[lupa]

Just to clarify, none of the "retribution" actions (ie, the furniture) was premeditated...it was more like that thing where you can't keep your hands off each other, and you end up leaning up against things, laying on things, knocking stuff over, etc (we are really passionate). Don't get me wrong, there is a certain juvenile satisfaction knowing what we were on/against, but it isn't like I had a plan.

 

I'm pretty sure the gf knew what she was doing anyway, because she had asked in other conversations what I was keeping, what the wife was taking...so I think she is complicit in this. I actually feel like there is a little of her marking her territory. Ha ha!

 

As for moving on, ending the marriage -- my attorney has assured me that I cannot be the one to pull the trigger on this...she will get everything she has asked for. Instead, the way it is working now, I may still be married, but I can wash my hands of her at much lower cost.

 

I still do want 'closure' but i'm not real sure how to get it. I guess closure will just be moving on and living well.

 

...the gf and I are going so well together. I'm actually at home right now (playing golf today), and she is still here. I'm actually supposed to be getting a quote out the door, but I'm procrastinating. She only works weekend hours, so we sat outside this morning, had breakfast, and she's upstairs (sleeping off the hangover...we drank a lot of wine last night).

 

Anyway, we talked about what happened the other morning where I got upset about the breakfast thing for a minute, and she said it was a reality check and she can be patient. Then she asked if I planned on dating other people...

 

She is looking to make this long term i think. Crazy. I wanted it so badly the last time around and it would have ended terribly. While I'm not 100% ready for it now, I am in a much better position with this woman than in the past. We just have to figure out how to get through the next few months of stormy seas, then it is smooth sailing! Yes, I know that there is no such thing as smooth sailing...

[skywriter]

Lupa , I've been reading your posts, so many.

 

I love the statement abt. closure, moving on, and living well is closure.

 

You sound like a very grounded individual.

[lupa]

Lupa , I've been reading your posts, so many.

 

I love the statement abt. closure, moving on, and living well is closure.

 

You sound like a very grounded individual.

I appreciate the compliment...saying it here and living it are two different things, though.

 

I try, just like everyone.

[skywriter]

Hey lupa, trying is half the battle! Trying is healthy, eh? ....and look what trying has gotten you so far. I have to say it's working for ya.

This is all we can do.

 

I wouldn't want anyone to know how vulnerable I can actually be......yikes!

 

I read a statement recently, it was very cool.... "Time takes time".

[PWSX3]

closer will be easier to achieve when the divorce is final.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I think closure is something you come to on your own as a mental statement.

 

You need to end this lupa. no matter the costs, she will never file and be rid of you the way she says it. She will always use you as a scapegoat and keep you on the figurative leash.

 

I would do everything in my power to end it. whether i became bankrupt or not my mental stability trumps over everything else. You can always make more money.

[Auroracoladybug]

Okay so I do have a Passive Agressive streak but Lisa is right...its not worth it but you can get a chuckle out of "marking territory"...we all need something to laugh at...reminds me about the e-mail with the penguin smacking the other penguin in the back of the head into the water LOL

[LisaUk]

Okay so I do have a Passive Agressive streak but Lisa is right...its not worth it but you can get a chuckle out of "marking territory"...we all need something to laugh at...reminds me about the e-mail with the penguin smacking the other penguin in the back of the head into the water LOL

 

 

Hey Lup's, it sounds like you and the GF are doing well. I understand your satisfaction from the marking of terriotory, if it helps you that's all that matters, it's not like the GF knows or the w and it wasn't the purpose or planned like you said.