Apart and shaken

[lupa]

personally, i think you're handling everything just fine. i know the feeling about the car stuff. my truck has well over 120,000 miles on it, and i just bought my wife a really nice car last year. i was set to get a motorcycle this month, and a new truck just after new year's. both of those are going to have to be put off for quite sometime. keep playing it cool, lupa. i've just started on that tip, and it really makes one feel better about things. it's not that i'm necessarily playing it, as much as i'm really feeling it. i know what must be done, if it must be done.

Well, I don't feel good right now. I feel like I desperately need to call her. She texted back about how much everything was going to cost, and I haven't responded yet. Her friend called me today, and we just chatted for a while. She said it feels like it is finished, and then I told her about the texts and stuff that happened when I was gone. She said "Oh."

 

I guess they went out a few days ago, and the one girl asked the wife what was going on, and she just didn't want to talk about it at all. Wouldn't a woman who wants a divorce tell her two closest friends, "Seriously, I want a divorce." She won't say anything either way.

 

I need to keep posting here so I don't call her. I hope you all forgive my diarrhea of the fingers over the next 24 hours...this is my only respite from my own head.

 

Her friend on the phone today said to do what I said here earlier once I told her: the whole 'let's decide if we're going to work on this or not, if we can't get along, then fine, it's over' thing. I'm not going to push her, though, I'm just going to try to be nice, cordial, understanding, and practice my newfound concept of 'empathy' that I never had before because I had never been hurt so bad in my life. I'm going to listen more than I talk, and I most certainly won't argue unless she says something about my family.

 

Man, I was better about being home two weeks ago...this is painful right now. The only place I felt comfortable at all was on Hilton Head Island...it feels like home to me now. Maybe I really have to consider trying to open a business office there. Seriously. I've always wanted to go, and at one point I wanted to interview with the Sea Pines company and just live there all year round.

 

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgh.

 

Ok, I feel better.

 

Feel free to offer advice, consolation, kick me in the ass, whatever. I feel stranded right now in this house. I want to see women, I want to be my old self.

 

I'm so ****ing pissed I started losing my hair over the last three years. Now I'm all close-shaven, and it makes me look older, except that I have (or at least had) younger looks, so now I'm just...whatever. I'm not feeling strong right now, so I'm just all over the map.

 

That waitress liked me, though. Maybe she'll email me when she gets back from the Dominican on her vacation. I'd go back to Atlanta next freaking weekend to hang out.

 

Shoot.

 

I'm tired -- my day started at 3 am to catch my flight -- and when I'm tired I can't control the emotions.

[LisaUk]

Hang in there Lupa, you're doing great, watch what you say to her friends though!

[lupa]

Seriously, I feel like hell, and it is getting worse. I'm supposed to go somewhere at 7 tonight (it is 6), so maybe I'll just try to get ready to go out.

 

Maybe I'll convince the people I'm meeting to find a bar that will have some people in it to look at...

[tojaz]

Your doing fine Lupa. her doing things around the house is a big deal. Think about it, why would she take any pride in a home she is leaving? Just keep doing what your doing it's looking good. Just be ready if she decides to change on you. It can happen in a flash!

TOJAZ

[lupa]

Your doing fine Lupa. her doing things around the house is a big deal. Think about it, why would she take any pride in a home she is leaving? Just keep doing what your doing it's looking good. Just be ready if she decides to change on you. It can happen in a flash!

TOJAZ

I seriously need a key, a way, something, to just settle down. When I get to this point I get so out of control of my emotions...

 

Maybe I have to start going for runs, but since I didn't sleep last night (traveling and stress) I really just don't have the energy.

 

I'm going to clean up, shower, shave, and head over to my buddy's parent's house for a little picnic action (no women) and then maybe to a bar.

[tojaz]

it sounds girly, but try some Yoga. It is very relaxing, I've started doing it every morning (when my nerves are the worst) and it helps a lot, even if I do feel gay being a 250 pound man doing downward facing dumba$$. Also, stay away from caffeine, just a little sends me over the edge now, which sux because i love my coffee.

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

it sounds girly, but try some Yoga. It is very relaxing, I've started doing it every morning (when my nerves are the worst) and it helps a lot, even if I do feel gay being a 250 pound man doing downward facing dumba$$. Also, stay away from caffeine, just a little sends me over the edge now, which sux because i love my coffee.

TOJAZ

 

Careful Tojaz, you may have an awakening!

[tojaz]

:lmao:LOL:lmao:

[lupa]

Well, she just canceled coming over for dinner. Her sister and brother in law, their daughter, and the bro in law's mom are going to be at her parents' house tonight (where she is staying). We haven't seen them in a while, so she is going to have dinner with them. Fine, screw it, I'll make the dinner for myself..

 

Supposedly when that dinner is done she is going to head over here at 730, so we can "talk." I explained that my goal tonight was not to have a gigantic talk or anything, but to eat and hang out. She said, well, let's just hang out then, without the eating.

 

I don't know what to think or do anymore. Last night I was out with half of our mutual group of friends, she was out on the other side of town with the other half of our mutual group of friends...so stupid. I talked late into the night with this one girl in our group who just got married. She described her husband as being a similar person to me, and I could see how she was making allowances for certain of his traits. I hope he can learn from some of my mistakes, and she can learn to communicate with him a little better.

 

Anyway, she and I talked about my marriage for like two hours, and she sees no reason why I shouldn't keep trying. She and my wife hang out periodically, and the girl basically said she sees no behavior that would merit me pushing for divorce (ie, infidelity), my wife hasn't said anything, hasn't done anything that leads her to believe she wants a divorce. She said it in a way, though, that leads me to believe that she knows more than she let on, which is fine, and never told me to do anything specific. The words were more like, "What do you want?" and I'd respond, "I'd like to see if we can be friends again, to see if there is anything worth fighting for. I'm just not getting any indication of anything right now" and she'd say something like, "well, I think trying is a good plan."

 

I'd ask "Why do you say that, has something been said?" and she'd go something like, "Let's just say trying is a good plan."

 

There's like a million layers of meaning to everything now. Should I be upset that dinner was canceled? Should I be disappointed? Should I think it a good thing that she is going to leave her family gathering to come see me? Should I think this girl is trying to send me a signal without 'betraying the trust' and giving info she isn't supposed to have?

 

Should I just get my head out of my @ss?

 

I'm going on a run, then I'm going to the store. After the store I have a whole list of chores that I have to do around here to keep this place looking nice. I think what I'm going to do is pick one room a day and just clean it. Vacuum, dust, organize. I basically live in three rooms anyway -- bedroom, bath, and den. The rest is just space I walk through and the cats leave paw prints in.

 

God, I'm sitting here wondering if her not coming for dinner is a way to keep the distance, or if it is just as simple as the family coming over.

 

i'd love to be able to just move on. I don't think I love her any more, but then I think I do.

 

Her not filing for divorce, but then saying, "well I can meet you Sunday or Tuesday" seems like she has a date on Monday. I want to ask, but I can't. I'm so dizzy right now with not knowing. If she had a date, I could say, "fine, file papers, let's kill this so I can get on with my life."

 

What in the world am I doing right now?

[MrMayI]

seems like you're doing the same thing i'm doing. spinning your wheels. you and i are going to have to really heed TIY's plan. this could be a longer road then what's wanted, but if you really want to try, you'll know the exact moment it's time. at least that's what i believe. at least your wife is staying with her family. mine is making a home for herself. hope is rapidly diminishing. my papers will be ready to be signed very soon. i'm almost ready to give an ultimatum. i know if that's really not what i want, i better get my act together, fast.

[tojaz]

Don't look to interpret every little thing she does. Some things are just what they are. I did that. Why did she take this, why did she leave that, why did she call, why didn't she call. Just let it go and keep on keeping on, or you'll go nuts missing her and looking for signs. Right now, i'm changing U-joints in my truck and want her there for that! WTF!!! Still processing, allthough it's been NC for 10 days straight and I'm going nuts.

 

I do think your friend is sending you a message. Sounds like the wife wants you to stay in the fight. Pick your moves very carefully from here on out! Stick to whats worked before and keep with the Mr. Cool routine.

 

Hang in their Lupa, sounds great.

TOJAZ

[lupa]

Hang in their Lupa, sounds great.

TOJAZ

...doesn't feel too great.

 

All I want is sleep right now. Sweet, sweet sleep that I haven't had without lots of alcohol in months. Exercise isn't doing it. I kinda think that if I could get some real sleep, I could feel better in general.

 

I went on my run, but I don't have the energy like I used to. I'm spent emotionally, and physically I think i'm aging like 5 days for every 1 right now. Tomorrow my body will wake back up a bit, but I'm so drained.

 

At least I didn't break down at the end of the run like I have every other time so far. Hmm. I guess I'll mark that in the "win" column, one point for the good guys. I didn't break down at the end of the run. Maybe I am feeling better, but I was so low to start with that I couldn't tell.

 

I have 7 hours to prep Mr Cool Ice.

 

Whatever happens, if I lay down the ultimatum, if I don't, if she starts fights, says she's done, whatever, I'm not going to get fired up.

 

Mr Cool Ice.

[tojaz]

...doesn't feel too great.

 

All I want is sleep right now. Sweet, sweet sleep that I haven't had without lots of alcohol in months. Exercise isn't doing it. I kinda think that if I could get some real sleep, I could feel better in general.

 

I went on my run, but I don't have the energy like I used to. I'm spent emotionally, and physically I think i'm aging like 5 days for every 1 right now. Tomorrow my body will wake back up a bit, but I'm so drained.

 

At least I didn't break down at the end of the run like I have every other time so far. Hmm. I guess I'll mark that in the "win" column, one point for the good guys. I didn't break down at the end of the run. Maybe I am feeling better, but I was so low to start with that I couldn't tell.

 

I have 7 hours to prep Mr Cool Ice.

 

Whatever happens, if I lay down the ultimatum, if I don't, if she starts fights, says she's done, whatever, I'm not going to get fired up.

Mr Cool Ice.

 

No, your gonna feel like balls through the whole thing I'm sure. Just latch on to the little victories and keep your head up. A win is a win! The situation sounds promising!

 

Just play it cool, and NO ULTIMATUMS, not yet. See how tonight goes and pick your next move from there. Stay frosty ICEMAN!

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

Lupa, how is the cleaning going? Try not to worry about tonight, stay cool, don't say anything you will regret later.

[lupa]

Lupa, how is the cleaning going? Try not to worry about tonight, stay cool, don't say anything you will regret later.

Its ok. Evidently we're out of the kitchen cleaner that smells good...we have some "non-toxic" stuff that works great, but now the kitchen doesn't have that clean smell to it. Oh well. next trip to the store I'll get the good stuff.

 

I'm going to trim the bushes now. Fun day for me.

 

...I'm a little tense right now about tonight. Woof.

 

I'm sure I'll be back on here later.

[TrustInYourself]

Own the situation. This is your time to shine. No pressure on her. No pressure from you. Show her you can just be cool, funny, happy. Why push if it does not solve anything but create tension. Roll with it. Every moment is a gift.

[hopesndreams]

i'd love to be able to just move on. I don't think I love her any more, but then I think I do.

 

Oh yes, I can relate to this all too well. This is a positive step to breaking free. The longer she is not back with you, those feelings of not loving her anymore will get stronger and grow. Then again, if she were back with you tomorrow...those feelings of not loving her anymore might get stronger, quicker. It's a conundrum. Whichever scenario plays out in the end, the 100% total love and commitment you had for her, has now been shattered and may never be regained.

[lupa]

Own the situation. This is your time to shine. No pressure on her. No pressure from you. Show her you can just be cool, funny, happy. Why push if it does not solve anything but create tension. Roll with it. Every moment is a gift.

You're right, you know. As I was sitting with my friend (female) last night talking about this, I got very "serious" for a second and was making full eye contact, looking at her deeply, focused on the situation at hand. She went, "Whoa!"

 

"What?"

 

"What is that look?"

 

"This is me being very focused"

 

"That was way too intimidating."

 

I thought about it for a minute, and maybe that's why my wife said I'm intimidating. It is something I picked up in my acting background (tv commercials, theater) where you focus in deep. The other person gets locked up, and you kinda scramble them with intensity. I use it at work when I need to get something I want.

 

Basically my friend was telling me that the look was almost aggressive, and certainly made her uncomfortable, but not in a bad way. More like overwhelming. I told her that is how I get things done, and she said, "You have to stop trying to win. Let this come back naturally to you."

 

That is a message that regardless of what happens I will most certainly take to the grave. It also let me know the power of that approach, so now I will use it sparingly, but when I want.

 

My wife had said I get very intimidating, and I of course said, "No I'm not." That's because I'm an idiot. No, really, that's because I didn't understand the power there. So, TIY, instead of being so intense (but calm), I'm going to be the happy me. The joking me, the smiling me.

 

I'm going to try to have a good time, because frankly, the way I feel right now, this may be the last time we ever do anything together.

 

i'd love to be able to just move on. I don't think I love her any more, but then I think I do.

 

Oh yes, I can relate to this all too well. This is a positive step to breaking free. The longer she is not back with you, those feelings of not loving her anymore will get stronger and grow. Then again, if she were back with you tomorrow...those feelings of not loving her anymore might get stronger, quicker. It's a conundrum. Whichever scenario plays out in the end, the 100% total love and commitment you had for her, has now been shattered and may never be regained.

There is no question we can never reclaim what we had, but I've come to the understanding that it was a very superficial and immature love. I was the dynamic Ivy League grad with the good car, great job, and the get things done attitude. She was the hottie going into pharmaceutical sales, positive, outgoing, confident.

 

Somewhere along the way, we realized that we're both real people with real flaws. I got distant, she gort hurt. She went looking for affection, I got mad because we weren't screwing like we used to. I mean, seriously, we're like the first chapter of every book on why marriages fail.

 

Don't get me wrong, our good times together, even recently, have been great times, because we do make a good team. I don't think, though, that we really knew what long term committment and love meant. We were caught up in the passion that died. She said she still needs that passion...I think she is wrong on this, I think she needs the affection. But I'm so shut out right now that I can't begin to give it to her, so I think it is almost like I have to court her again.

 

I ask myself is it worth it, and I get two answers back, which is why I feel like a schizo. Sometimes I think yes it is worth it, because we can use THIS as the foundation of a long life together, a learning, growing kind of thing. Other times I think that we should just call this thing done, and I'm going forth alone, looking to show someone else this different, older, wiser me.

 

Again, I appreciate the opportunity to unload a lot of this here, and for the people that check back periodically, I definitely try to integrate your experience into my approach. I said this once...this is very cathartic for me. It lets me organize my thoughts, and lets me gain perspective on the parts that are important, and the parts that are me being weak, etc.

 

I think I made the decision that I'm going to go down swinging, but in a much better manner now. I think you've all helped me get past that initial asskicking that I took, and the extraordinarily bad, but not all that unique, way I reacted. I think I can be a better man from here on out.

 

Now I just need to be myself again, and start getting things done. I'll be sure to let y'all know what happens.

[LisaUk]

Hi Lupa, please do let us know what happens, I am actually nervous for you! Good luck tonight, will all be happening while I am sleeping. Stay cool.

[tojaz]

It's all probably going down right now. Hope things are working out for ya ICEMAN. I'll check back later before i hit the sack.

[lupa]

She came over fully prepared to start the conversation, and I never got the chance to just hang out.

 

I used Gunny's line "don't let the door hit you on the way out."

 

It's over.

 

I made the suggestion that we try being friends for a while before we go to divorce, and she didn't say no, but she stuck to her guns that divorce seems inevitable. Then she cried.

 

I said all future contact goes through my lawyer.

 

I'm very unhappy, but at the same time I have the closure I was looking for. Now I just have to worry about how to start moving forward on my own.

 

Limbo no longer for me.

[MrMayI]

sorry lupa. you've gained a lot. remember that.

[tojaz]

Sorry to hear that Lupa, I really expected better news.You really have learned a lot from all this.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Damn lupa. what happened?

 

Dont get sucked into her contacting you. She will. When you start to move on, she will...

 

They always do...

 

Good luck to you.

[hopesndreams]

Now I just have to worry about how to start moving forward on my own.

 

You already have been.

 

Each day, each week will get better and better. You are over the worst of it. It will be better for you in the long run to not be her friend. It will be best not to know what she is doing, where she is going and who she is doing it with. Cut the ties.

 

I will be in your shoes soon (if I'm not already). I'm still in the land of denial but getting stronger each day to do what's right for me.