Apart and shaken

[LisaUk]

I just realized that I'm never going to get over her...I'm only going to hurt less and less.

 

With that realization, however, I felt a weight lift slightly off of me. Walking away, getting on with things, whatever it is I've heard people tell me so far...those didn't make sense to me.

 

The only thing that makes sense is that I have to hold on to this part of my life forever, and one day it won't hurt as bad. I want to hold onto it now, so I don't make the same mistakes I did.

 

What a terrible price to pay...

 

I'm not sure I understand you here Lupa. You will get over her. The day will come when you can look back on this part of your life with fondness and I believe that the key to that is remembering that she WALKED.

[lupa]

I'm saying I can't leave all this behind me...there are parts of it that are going to, nay, I want to, keep with me. These are lessons I'll soon not forget, and whoever I end up with some day, well, I hope I can apply these lessons and make a better life for us.

 

I'm going to make a prediction right now -- she is going to start dating immediately, and I'm going to hear about it/run into her/see them together. I'm going to be crushed.

 

Then I'm going to stumble upon some lovely lady, I'll be awkward, we'll figure things out, and maybe, some day, I'll have the family that I want.

 

Just so the field knows, I sent my wife the last letter I'm ever going to write her. It wasn't sappy I want you back, it was me admitting a lot of things that I had to finally let go. I know now that if she hasn't already physically given herself to someone else, she has emotionally and mentally. She thinks it is an escape from some inner unhappiness, that her inner void can be filled by chasing this dream.

 

The reality is she is tough to live with (as is everyone). She is messy, disorganized, dirty (ie, dirty plates everywhere, etc), doesn't pick up behind herself, doesn't do laundry all that well or often...these are all things that upset me that I never addressed. Not that she needed to houseclean, but when I came home from a long day's work, and she's been home all day, I'd find breakfast, lunch, and dinner plates sitting on the coffee table in front of the TV. That kind of thing drove me nuts, and eventually I just folded.

 

That was what I admitted in the letter, I folded when I should have been stronger. Now it is too late to fix it, and I'm going to move forward knowing the power I had all along to change things.

 

Anyway, whoever she ends up with is going to have to discover that on their own. There is a lot of nice packaging there, covering up a glaring hole below in a lot of places. Insecurity where there doesn't need to be, not following through when chances were there, a general ineffectiveness...

 

I dunno, I'm not being Aesop's Fable. I'm not saying it is all Sour Grapes...I'm saying I've seen it all, and could have reacted better. It is just that her running away doesn't solve anything for her in the long run, and that is too bad. I think she is going to keep chasing this dream.

 

In the end of the letter, I wrote that I wish her the best of luck. It is the last time I'm going to try. I've done all I can, it is time for me to take ownership of my self, my home, my life. I've started to function (a little) at work, I'm going to get the bills out this month and just put the money to them, not show her anything about it. I'm going to finish the landscaping she started, and take pride in what is now mine and mine alone.

 

This is going to be the loneliest, saddest journey I've ever taken.

 

Wish me luck.

[dlim]

Do you remember getting your heart getting broken when you were in high school or college or a first love when you were a kid? I dated this girl in HS until I was a freshmen in college (my first long term relationship) and when we broke up I was heart broken and wanted to die. I didn't think I was even going to get over her and it lasted for years. Looking back on it now I can see how I had tunnel vision which keep me from letting go. When I recently got divorced I was heartbroken also, even though I knew it was the right thing to do. Same bad feeling just a different woman. It helped me to think back to my past loves and see how the pain faded away over the years. I even found some old pictures of some of my ex-es (which my wife never let me look at) and was able to smile and reminisce about the past. I even found a few on facebook and were now friends again. You'll get over it it just takes time.

[lupa]

Do you remember getting your heart getting broken when you were in high school or college or a first love when you were a kid? I dated this girl in HS until I was a freshmen in college (my first long term relationship) and when we broke up I was heart broken and wanted to die. I didn't think I was even going to get over her and it lasted for years. Looking back on it now I can see how I had tunnel vision which keep me from letting go. When I recently got divorced I was heartbroken also, even though I knew it was the right thing to do. Same bad feeling just a different woman. It helped me to think back to my past loves and see how the pain faded away over the years. I even found some old pictures of some of my ex-es (which my wife never let me look at) and was able to smile and reminisce about the past. I even found a few on facebook and were now friends again. You'll get over it it just takes time.

This is going to sound like a "dick" thing to say, but I've never been dumped before...I've never been hurt. My wife is the first woman who I had a long term relationship with that I did not cheat on. I don't believe in karma, nor do I believe "things happen for a reason." Instead, I think I've just been presented with an opportunity to see the world from the other side, and it hurts like hell. Believe me when I say this traces all the way back to middle school, which is like the last time I was 'dumped.'

 

I want to hope and grow from this. I want to be a better person, because now I can understand what empathy truly is.

 

 

...as for tonight. The driving range never happened. She didn't get home early enough, we texted, said maybe later. Instead I went and met a buddy of mine, and lo and behold, the attractive ex of the guy that my wife hangs out with now was sitting at the table when I walked in. She knew in an instant -- she actually claimed she knew a couple of weeks ago when we ran into each other -- what was up. She knew her ex was following my wife around like a puppy dog for two years, and knew that my wife was the "caretaker" type -- her words. She said she wasn't surprised, and most certainly didn't think it was a sexual thing, more of an emotional thing that just screws the whole world up.

 

I asked how she knew all this, and she said, "I dated that idiot, and also, I'm a therapist now." It was an interesting conversation, and she is very, very attractive.

 

Long story short, I knew she was starting an initial kind of dating thing with another guy who is part of this group, but as she was leaving with him tonight, she told me to get her number from another friend of ours, said she and I should meet up some time to keep talking. i'm not making anything out of that, other than we have a f*cked up kind of shared past now, but seriously, she is real good to look at.

 

Nice.

 

I'm going to try to get some work done tomorrow. I guess there is hope out there, huh?

 

'night.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Dude You are scooping up *itches left and right!!!

 

LMAO.

 

Stop pouting and feeling sorry for yourself. Mayn, you aint got no kids right? then go and have fun, take your mind off of your ex for a minute. Think logicially about yourself and your future.

 

Lupa your already on great terms with women out there, it's not your fault this one you was married to, cannot be faithful, that's something messed up in HER head. not yours. And even if you did everything right, if she still cheated then what, what could you possibly say or do to rationalize it.

 

Stop focusing on her and just live for yourself.

[lupa]

Dude You are scooping up *itches left and right!!!

 

LMAO.

 

Stop pouting and feeling sorry for yourself. Mayn, you aint got no kids right? then go and have fun, take your mind off of your ex for a minute. Think logicially about yourself and your future.

 

Lupa your already on great terms with women out there, it's not your fault this one you was married to, cannot be faithful, that's something messed up in HER head. not yours. And even if you did everything right, if she still cheated then what, what could you possibly say or do to rationalize it.

 

Stop focusing on her and just live for yourself.

I do believe you've been telling me this for some time now...you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

 

Like I said, never having been in this position before, there was a lot to learn. I think I'm getting there pretty quickly...but it is like I have to tear this world I built apart, brick by freaking brick. I need to get back to the core of what is real, and then I can start anew.

 

I remember an old CS Lewis story (I'm sure they've made it into a sh*tty movie by now)...in part of it, this one kid gets turned into a dragon because of his own stupidity, and the Lion guy is trying to tell him to just take the dragon skin off. He starts rubbing and gets a layer off. He does it again, and gets a layer off. The Lion finally reaches over and slices the dragon skin with his deep claws, and it hurts like hell, but it is ripped away from him.

 

I started this process doing my best to only remove single layers of this marriage, to try to save it, to try to make things better. As time goes on, I'm starting to understand that I have to tear deep, real deep, and get this whole thing off of me.

 

This is just what you all have been saying, that I have to get back to me, find myself, live for myself. I haven't reread the thread in a long time, but I can distinctly recall people telling me that on like the first page or so. You just can't do it on your own at first. You need the claws to come through and help get this thick skin off, or at least, I did.

 

Each day it gets easier to go deeper.

 

I'll be glad when I get it back to me.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Oh buddy you are definitely on your way!!!

 

and you would drink if you was thirsty enough, lol.

[LisaUk]

You are well on your way Lupa!

[lupa]

You are well on your way Lupa!

I feel like I'm getting there, but I still have that running dialogue between her and me in my head, all the time. Sometimes it gets quieter, but it is still there.

 

It turned off last night for a while, but I just caught myself saying, "You know what? You blew it. You f*cking quitter, you gave up."

 

I'd rather be to the point where I just think of her and go, "Eh, that's just too bad," and then move on, you know?

[LisaUk]

I feel like I'm getting there, but I still have that running dialogue between her and me in my head, all the time. Sometimes it gets quieter, but it is still there.

 

It turned off last night for a while, but I just caught myself saying, "You know what? You blew it. You f*cking quitter, you gave up."

 

I'd rather be to the point where I just think of her and go, "Eh, that's just too bad," and then move on, you know?

 

I think perhaps we have all lost sight of something along the way (myself included), so I'm going to post it again.

 

Whatever we did in our relationship, your spouse made vows to love you, cherish you and honor you for better and for WORSE till death do you part. OK, so clearly some people's spouses don't understand English then?

 

IMHO, there are only two reasons to bail on a marriage without trying to resolve issues first. One is abuse, the second, as it says in the bible, is adultery (the exact wording I do not have, but it says a man may not divorce his wife for any other reason than adultery, I think it's Matthew).

 

Lupa, you not being empthatic, or whatever she has said is her reason for walking, is not grounds to divorce you. Now if you had commited adultry that would give her grounds to walk.

 

IMHO, what we are all forgetting here (except me, as he never made vows, although he led me to believe it was a formality), is that your spouses all took vows, there is simply no excuse for walking away from those vows without doing everything possible to resolve the issues first, that includes when it gets to the point that you think love has gone, you've had it and your spouse is saying I want to work on this, we need to try.

 

Otherwise what exactly is the point in making the vows in the first place, why don't we all just hook up with people and live alone? What was the point then, a party, a new white dress, a diamond ring and 100 napkins with your name printed on them? Really folks, we all need to to remember that the whole point of marriage is to create a united bond, a family. (I know I thought of my ex as family), I would never turn to my mother and say "you know what I don't think you and I are compatable and you get on my nerves because I want to go out with my mates more, so I never want to see you again, now f**k off!" No, you may say you are unhappy with her behaviour, it's getting you down, I would like it if we could discuss this, but you wouldn't cut her out of your life would you?

 

Sorry for ranting, but the point needed to be made I think.

 

Lupa you did not f**k up, SHE DID!

[lupa]

Aw dang...I just got all stressed out about her again. About us.

 

I keep coming back to, "how can someone throw away six years together and 3.5 of marriage instead of trying everything to make it work? How can they just walk away?"

 

 

DAMMIT I was doing well today.

 

I need a something to help me let it go. Some action, some key phrase...

 

I guess i'll just stop trying to understand...she just isn't who I thought she was.

[man_of_ability]

Aw dang...I just got all stressed out about her again. About us.

 

I keep coming back to, "how can someone throw away six years together and 3.5 of marriage instead of trying everything to make it work? How can they just walk away?"

 

 

DAMMIT I was doing well today.

 

I need a something to help me let it go. Some action, some key phrase...

 

I guess i'll just stop trying to understand...she just isn't who I thought she was.

 

If you find something let me know....I am looking for the same thing!

[LisaUk]

We just crossed posts!

 

I know the feeling, I ask myself the same, how can he walk away from 18 years, without trying?

 

She has no substance! You deserve better!

[phineas]

Aw dang...I just got all stressed out about her again. About us.

 

I keep coming back to, "how can someone throw away six years together and 3.5 of marriage instead of trying everything to make it work? How can they just walk away?"

 

 

DAMMIT I was doing well today.

 

I need a something to help me let it go. Some action, some key phrase...

 

I guess i'll just stop trying to understand...she just isn't who I thought she was.

 

I think 2 1/2 yrs together & almost 4 yrs of marriage then realize, 1 1/2 yrs into the marriage she was screwing someone she met on a dateing site.

 

That isn't my fault. Nothing I said or did or didn't say or didn't do warrants her actually creating an account on a sigles site & looking for someone.

 

She could of left. She could of arranged for MC. She could of just talked to me instead. But she made those decisions.

 

I've stopped trying to figure out WTF she was thinking or thought she was doing.

 

I don't care anymore.

 

All that MC money wasted.

[LisaUk]

I think 2 1/2 yrs together & almost 4 yrs of marriage then realize, 1 1/2 yrs into the marriage she was screwing someone she met on a dateing site.

 

That isn't my fault. Nothing I said or did or didn't say or didn't do warrants her actually creating an account on a sigles site & looking for someone.

 

She could of left. She could of arranged for MC. She could of just talked to me instead. But she made those decisions.

 

I've stopped trying to figure out WTF she was thinking or thought she was doing.

 

I don't care anymore.

 

 

 

All that MC money wasted.

 

Phineas, I've seen you posting around recently and I just wanted to say, I'm really sorry for the way your wife treated you. No one deserves that! I can't believe she ran up a 1500 dollar cell phone bill cheating on you and expected you to pay it! (That was you right? Haven't got you confused?)

[phineas]

Phineas, I've seen you posting around recently and I just wanted to say, I'm really sorry for the way your wife treated you. No one deserves that! I can't believe she ran up a 1500 dollar cell phone bill cheating on you and expected you to pay it! (That was you right? Haven't got you confused?)

 

Yea, that was me.

She never paid it.

It's in collections.

I'm declaring bankruptsy before divorce.

Lawyers think it's the easiest thing to do because of all the debt.

 

Fine.

All that matters to me is keeping my house with it's yard for my boys to live in & play in when their with me.

 

And, since i'm going to keep them on my insurance their legal residence will be my house.

 

Also, my parents lent me a lot of money for the house. If my wife try's to take it or force me to split it with her my parents will put a lean on it & the amount of said lean is far higher than what the house will ever sell for due to the market.

 

So, whatever she tries to do it would at the worst wind up being owned by my parents & I would just pay them "rent" & they can WILL it to me.

 

On the bright side her apartment complex has a number of divorced mothers with kids my oldest's age to play with. /sarcasm off.

 

I can tell you this, I do believe she may try something once she realizes I won't take her back.

 

After the way she played both me & OM I truely believe she thinks she can get me to take her back.

 

I'm really concerned what will happen if I start dating & she finds out.

when she's pissed she's called in sick on the last minute & told me she was going to keep the kids because she didn't have work. It's days like that I wonder if she's going to leave town on me with the kids.

[lupa]

It's days like that I wonder if she's going to leave town on me with the kids.

If that happens...trust me when I say that people all over the country will do everything they can to help you get the kids back. You see it on the news all the time.

 

Don't worry about that, while it will be scary at first, it is not the end of the world, and the chances are so far-fetched that it is a one in a million shot.

[LisaUk]

Yea, that was me.

She never paid it.

It's in collections.

I'm declaring bankruptsy before divorce.

Lawyers think it's the easiest thing to do because of all the debt.

 

Fine.

All that matters to me is keeping my house with it's yard for my boys to live in & play in when their with me.

 

And, since i'm going to keep them on my insurance their legal residence will be my house.

 

Also, my parents lent me a lot of money for the house. If my wife try's to take it or force me to split it with her my parents will put a lean on it & the amount of said lean is far higher than what the house will ever sell for due to the market.

 

So, whatever she tries to do it would at the worst wind up being owned by my parents & I would just pay them "rent" & they can WILL it to me.

 

On the bright side her apartment complex has a number of divorced mothers with kids my oldest's age to play with. /sarcasm off.

 

I can tell you this, I do believe she may try something once she realizes I won't take her back.

 

After the way she played both me & OM I truely believe she thinks she can get me to take her back.

 

I'm really concerned what will happen if I start dating & she finds out.

when she's pissed she's called in sick on the last minute & told me she was going to keep the kids because she didn't have work. It's days like that I wonder if she's going to leave town on me with the kids.

 

You have kids too?! I am sorry she did this to you, she sounds like a real piece of work.

[lupa]

The experimental water treatment system I'm developing (I'm an environmental engineer), we think...

 

 

...WORKS!

 

 

I've sacrificed myself, my sanity, and my marriage, and we just got our initial results back this afternoon...and the first round of tests shows that there is a real good chance the sonuvabitch WORKS! (I think).

 

Oh man, oh man oh man oh man!

 

Seriously, this is what I was doing when I was working 12 and 14 hour days, and then I'd come home and set up my computer, monitor results, and not spend time with my wife. This is a big reason why I was exhausted all the time, this is a major contributing factor to why I will no longer be married in the near future.

 

The results are preliminary, but we just determined we can eliminate double-bonded organic chemicals from water with this new gizmo! For the record, a lot of double-bonded organic chemicals you find in water tend to give people cancer. We cannot directly measure the single bonded chemicals, but for the time being, that is ok. We get this data off to the investors, and they'll buy all the lab time we freaking WANT!

 

This was the first experiment, and I know you're not supposed to count your chickens before they hatch or get too excited, or jinx it or whatever, but SCREW IT. I'm allowed to f*cking be happy about this!

 

This is the first real piece of good news I've had in months, short of not getting any bad news.

 

When I get rich from this, REALLY rich from this, and can travel the world because my underlings are running the company for me...well, I'll look back and know how much I sacrificed to make it happen, and have a true appreciation for everything.

 

The next few days are going to be really exciting...I hope I am not so distracted by my personal life that I can't focus.

 

I'm gonna find some of my friends and buy them dinner tonight.

[LisaUk]

The experimental water treatment system I'm developing (I'm an environmental engineer), we think...

 

 

...WORKS!

 

 

I've sacrificed myself, my sanity, and my marriage, and we just got our initial results back this afternoon...and the first round of tests shows that there is a real good chance the sonuvabitch WORKS! (I think).

 

Oh man, oh man oh man oh man!

 

Seriously, this is what I was doing when I was working 12 and 14 hour days, and then I'd come home and set up my computer, monitor results, and not spend time with my wife. This is a big reason why I was exhausted all the time, this is a major contributing factor to why I will no longer be married in the near future.

 

The results are preliminary, but we just determined we can eliminate double-bonded organic chemicals from water with this new gizmo! For the record, a lot of double-bonded organic chemicals you find in water tend to give people cancer. We cannot directly measure the single bonded chemicals, but for the time being, that is ok. We get this data off to the investors, and they'll buy all the lab time we freaking WANT!

 

This was the first experiment, and I know you're not supposed to count your chickens before they hatch or get too excited, or jinx it or whatever, but SCREW IT. I'm allowed to f*cking be happy about this!

 

This is the first real piece of good news I've had in months, short of not getting any bad news.

 

When I get rich from this, REALLY rich from this, and can travel the world because my underlings are running the company for me...well, I'll look back and know how much I sacrificed to make it happen, and have a true appreciation for everything.

 

The next few days are going to be really exciting...I hope I am not so distracted by my personal life that I can't focus.

 

I'm gonna find some of my friends and buy them dinner tonight.

 

Hey congrats!

 

Just for the record, my ex worked 12-16 hour days our entire relationship (living together), it drove me nuts, but I didn't leave him! Point made?

[MrMayI]

be sure and visit lisa when you travel the world. congratulations.

[lupa]

Ooooh yeah, hey lis! Here comes lupa...

 

[LisaUk]

Ooooh yeah, hey lis! Here comes lupa...

 

 

Lol

Hmmmm! Now lets see, a hugely weathly, intelligent, witty, good looking man who CAN commit? When will you be here? LOL ;)

[phineas]

You have kids too?! I am sorry she did this to you, she sounds like a real piece of work.

 

Yep. my youngest is 11 months.

I believe he's mine because if it was OM's she would of just left me to be with him.

 

She had allready told him my 1st son's father (me) skipped town & that she was married to a jerk(me again) for insurance purposes plus he believed he got her pregnant.

 

She had him.

 

Which brings me to some good news. My tests came back & i'm STD free. The OM didn't use rubbers. he pulled out. His now ex-GF told me that & was concerned because she suspected he was sleeping with my wife & that's why she broke up with him. He was & he admited to not wearing condoms.

 

Yuck.

 

It doesn't matter though. I was there when he was born & have raised him for the last yr. I'll be damned if i'll prove he isn't mine & let him get raised by two POS's with corrupt morals & no sence of respect.

[LisaUk]

Yep. my youngest is 11 months.

I believe he's mine because if it was OM's she would of just left me to be with him.

 

She had allready told him my 1st son's father (me) skipped town & that she was married to a jerk(me again) for insurance purposes plus he believed he got her pregnant.

 

She had him.

 

Which brings me to some good news. My tests came back & i'm STD free. The OM didn't use rubbers. he pulled out. His now ex-GF told me that & was concerned because she suspected he was sleeping with my wife & that's why she broke up with him. He was & he admited to not wearing condoms.

 

Yuck.

 

It doesn't matter though. I was there when he was born & have raised him for the last yr. I'll be damned if i'll prove he isn't mine & let him get raised by two POS's with corrupt morals & no sence of respect.

 

Yuck, yuck, yuck! How revolting for you!

I'm pleased you didn't catch anything, how nice to have go get checked out though, God I feel for you!

 

You sound like a wonderful father, God, you just didn't deserve this, the sooner this ****** is out of your life the better.