Apart and shaken

[lupa]

Yes, really Lupa, all women want is appreciation. How do you show that?

A bit of conversation, a cuddle on the couch, a bit of affection such as holding hands or a protective arm around her waist, the odd thanks for doing my laundry etc, a bit of thought so remembering birthdays, anniversarys etc, nice to be taken out to dinner or shopping or for a walk on the beach, park etc and some good sex. That's it really.

 

Sounds to me like you already did these things though, you did foot rubs, you took her out, you fixed her drinks etc. Like I keep saying it's not about you, it's about her inablity to express her needs and to work at a realtionship. She will be the same whoever she is with, trust me, first sign of trouble and she will bail. She doesn't have the skills to make a life time commitment and THAT is what went wrong.

Yeah, but I always get back to the "I could have done more" part. I did a little bit, but there were a million opportunities.

 

She is too proud to look at me and say, "You know what? I know you tried, and I know you didn't know any better. Let's just restart, and see if this could work." Instead she thinks some douchebag in California is going to write her poetry for the rest of her life.

 

So what if when I eat pasta I put hot pepper flakes on it? Does that mean I've insulted the cook? I think insulting the cook is not eating it! I spiced it the way I like.

 

Does that make everything about me???

 

 

I can't tell you how many times we had that conversation...I never just "appreciated" her. I like pepper flakes! I don't make her eat them, I don't run about the world screaming "OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD MY WIFE DOESN'T EAT PEPPER FLAKES WHAT THE HELL???" No, I just put them on the pasta and eat them as I please.

 

Screw it...I'm selfish. That's it, I'm selfish.

 

 

 

 

...geez, now I'm arguing with her in my head again. This has been going on for months!

 

The only time it stops is when I'm with an attractive woman, I swear to god...time for me to find the ladies. Allllright.

 

 

(Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a home and I died there. They buried me, and the worms came to eat my body. Worms? Worms make me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a home and I died there. They buried me, and the worms came to eat my body. Worm? Worms make me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once...)

[LisaUk]

Lupa man get a grip! What the h*ll are you talking about pepper flakes for? Are you saying your W was insulted because you put pepper flakes on the pasta she cooked you? I'm lost man!

[broken hearted]

Haha, I'm with you Lisa!!!

[MrMayI]

they wouldn't put the pepper flakes on the table if they didn't want you to eat them.

[lupa]

It was always little things like that -- I wouldn't sit downstairs with her and watch Jon and Kate Plus 8 because that show drained the life out of my being. It was awful! Sex and the City? Really? Are you trying to turn me gay??

 

We'd watch West Wing together, that was nice. If it was a show I couldn't stand, I'd go somewhere else and either work on my workbench or do something in the garage. See, here's the thing...when we were dating, she pretended to love the Discovery Channel and History Channel. Wouldn't watch a damned thing on there with me after a while...said I "dominated the remote." WE WATCH THAT STUFF ALL THE TIME TOGETHER!!! She always knew I hated those other shows, how was I to know she was faking it???

 

Does that make me a bad husband?

 

So what if I didn't pick out theater tix...she could have, and I would have said yes!

 

When you are working on research and development, and have been frustrated for months, putting in 12 hour days, the last thing you freaking want to do is watch something on the Oxygen Channel!

 

Maybe I am self-centered, I don't know. All I know is that I busted my ass to provide, and this is the thanks I get. An internet relationship where the guy convinces my wife that I'm self-centered.

 

She could have stopped this at any point, yelled and screamed and got me to therapy with her. The thing is, I caught her text messages first, so I operated out of a position of self-defense.

 

I'm a smart guy, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not being cocky either, but I swear to god when I'm in that mode, I'm not going to lose an argument, particularly one that is so full of logic holes that it doesn't withstand the lightest scrutiny. I'm intimidating because I win at logic and reason, I guess. I'm sorry for that, my brain just works quickly.

 

Sadly, my brain also doesn't know how to shut itself the hell up, so when something is stuck in it, I need to push and prod and pry and everything until it is resolved. It is a great business trait, probably not so conducive to a marriage.

 

...here's the kicker, I'm willing to admit these things, and I can try to get better in the future. She walked, end of story.

 

I stopped respecting her when that happened, so now it is time to look out for #1. If she thought I was selfish before, wait until she discovers what I can turn into.

 

 

 

I don't want to be mean, but I'm not going to be jerked around. She can stay, and I can try to give her the world, and at the same time work on myself to make our relationship better. She doesn't want it, because Cali-douche is going to write her poetry for the rest of her life. Fan****ingtastic.

 

 

Wow I'm fired up today. I wonder if it was something I ate!

[LisaUk]

Ok so she is saying that her excuse for having an EA is because you didn't pay her enough attention because you went on your workbench instaed of watching sex and the city with her?

 

Well newsflash Lupas W- ALL MEN DO THAT! Mine did, he was on the computer every night while I watched TV, did it bug me, yes, did I leave him over it NO. Sure we watched the odd show together, in fact just before he left he got really into LOST, which I had watched from the start and I didn't even mind having to keep pausing it to fill him in, for a half hour at a time!

 

Anyway, I digress. The point is Lupa, I made it known to my ex over the years that his long working hours and constant PC use got me down, he always said he was sorry, would pay me more attention yada yada, so long as we did spend some time together it was something I learned to live with.

 

Couples don't have to like the same things, to think they would is unrealistic. For example my ex loved Badminton, I hate it, I can never hit the stupid shuttlethingy. So, he wanted to play, he went with my best friend and played, I stayed home and did what I wanted. Now one of the things that has p*****d me off is he has said since leaving, that I didn't have my own life and stopped him from seeing friends and doing his hobbies. I never did, as illustrated in the example above, sure I asked him to cut back on social stuff as he already worked 14 hour days and had a ton of after work events. He never told me he had any problem though. The real reason behind that excuse is he wanted everything his own way, ALL the time.

 

So, why am I telling you all this, because I want to demonstrate to you how your wife is twisting events, re-writing history. The crux of it is that she could have made it clear to you what she needed, you are not a mind reader, she choose not to. You could not have done more than you did, because you didn't know there was a problem, you were not a bad husaband. The min this other guy doesn't do what she needs because he isn't a mind reader either, she'll be off again.

[lupa]

Lisa, as nice as that is to hear, it doesn't change the fact that I was the oldest "not freaking scary" bachelor at the bar tonight. 31 yr old men have no place at the local hangout. Just ain't happenin'.

 

This woman f*cked over my life so hard that I don't even know where to begin again. I dedicated myself to her every breath. Maybe I didn't know how to show it...as a matter of fact I've already admitted that I didn't know how to show it, but I tried, and i gave it my all. How does one begin again??

 

For real? I just went out to three different places tonight, and not one girl was attractive, with the exception of the girl who was obviously 21 and just out for one of her first nights...

 

...the wife's BFF's ex girlfriend wouldn't come out tonight because of some other drama, so now I have to contact her tomorrow to set something up for this week. I was hoping for the random contact to see what's up, but now I have to pursue.

 

THIS IS ALL SO F*CKING STUPID. I SHOULD BE GOING TO BED WITH MY WIFE IN MY HOUSE THAT SHE WANTED AND STARTING TOMORROW TRYING TO OWN MY COMPETITORS AT WORK.

 

Screw it. I'm single now.

 

I guess I'll have kids some day. I hope I can give them everything my family gave me. I hope I can be as good as a father as my dad was for me...

 

...I can't believe she quit. Boy did I not see that one coming, no sir.

 

Sheesh.

[man_of_ability]

 

THIS IS ALL SO F*CKING STUPID. I SHOULD BE GOING TO BED WITH MY WIFE IN MY HOUSE THAT SHE WANTED AND STARTING TOMORROW TRYING TO OWN MY COMPETITORS AT WORK.

 

Screw it. I'm single now.

 

I guess I'll have kids some day. I hope I can give them everything my family gave me. I hope I can be as good as a father as my dad was for me...

 

...I can't believe she quit. Boy did I not see that one coming, no sir.

 

Sheesh.

 

That makes two of us!

[delajoonal]

lupa...

 

i hear ya! i am going to be 44 years old this year...yikes...

funny, i don't feel like it...i don't look like it..no really, i don't look like it.LOL...but i can NEVER see myself at a night club again...my last trip was my 29th Birthday...i wouldn't even know what to wear, what to say to anyone..how to dance anymore..LOL

 

so i am with you on that...I AM PISSED that my H left me at an age where we should be looking forward to our grandkids...going to movies, BBQing, going for walks, etc....he actually enjoyed that stuff too...i guess just NOT with ME anymore?

 

but me aside..i want to say to you Lupa...its just NOT time...NOT time for you to be going out yet....you can feel it..right?

right now, you have to grieve, get out ALL those emotions your W left you with...its not over yet..and just when you think the anger, the tears, all that are gone....they aren NOT..they come back...it takes more than a minute to get over the love and commitment you had/have for your W....

 

some people can do it quickly and by just going out..no matter how old they are.....but you lupa, are not one of them..i can see it in your posts, in your words...you are still TOO Much in love with your wife....its just going to take time..

 

but when the time comes...there will be ONE woman, that will take your breath away...you will know that person...and that moment and then you can start a new life with someone else and possibly those children you talk about/want?

 

and then her/your current W..will be a VERY DISTANT memory...you might always have a place in your heart for her...but you will know all this pain was for a reason....and that SHE was not the one for you....

 

you are still VERY young...you can stilll have ALL those dreams and family with someone else...AND YOU WILL!

 

just not right now......take your time and grieve it out...

 

get some sleep my friend...take it easy...

[LisaUk]

 

This woman f*cked over my life so hard that I don't even know where to begin again. I dedicated myself to her every breath. Maybe I didn't know how to show it...as a matter of fact I've already admitted that I didn't know how to show it, but I tried, and i gave it my all. How does one begin again??

 

 

THIS IS ALL SO F*CKING STUPID. I SHOULD BE GOING TO BED WITH MY WIFE IN MY HOUSE THAT SHE WANTED AND STARTING TOMORROW TRYING TO OWN MY COMPETITORS AT WORK.

 

 

Lupa, I know she totally F*****d over your life, I am in the same postion and it s**ks. My ex walked and in the process I lost my home, income , friends, daily life. I am living with my parents in their back bedroom, I can hardly move round the bed, I have no job, no money, no independance. I do know how you feel, you feel like you are 31 and should not have to be facing starting over, trying to find someone to spend your life with. You are thinking they are all taken, married, it was hard enough the first time to meet someone who I wanted to spend my life with, that kind of connection doesn't come about every day.

 

Unfortunately your W doesn't realise this yet, but she will in time, be certain she will find out it isn't all its cracked up to be.

 

How does one start again? One day at a time. You have your house, you have your job, you have your income, your car, your family, your friends. Live your life Lupa, take it slow, concentrate on work, taking care of the house, seeing family and friends. Maybe join a group of some kind, a night class or a Church group or whatever you are into. Don't get concerned about meeting someone right now, you need to give yourself time to grieve, if you go into a relationship now you are just heading for rebound. You have all these feelings for your W and you need to "put" them somewhere, this means you are likely to except any women and also to believe you like her, when actually you are looking for the affection and love of your w.

 

Mourn the women you loved, but remember what she has done to you, remember what happened here, she is not the person you married, that women is dead.

[tojaz]

Ok so she is saying that her excuse for having an EA is because you didn't pay her enough attention because you went on your workbench instaed of watching sex and the city with her?

 

Well newsflash Lupas W- ALL MEN DO THAT! Mine did, he was on the computer every night while I watched TV, did it bug me, yes, did I leave him over it NO. Sure we watched the odd show together, in fact just before he left he got really into LOST, which I had watched from the start and I didn't even mind having to keep pausing it to fill him in, for a half hour at a time!

 

Anyway, I digress. The point is Lupa, I made it known to my ex over the years that his long working hours and constant PC use got me down, he always said he was sorry, would pay me more attention yada yada, so long as we did spend some time together it was something I learned to live with.

 

Couples don't have to like the same things, to think they would is unrealistic. For example my ex loved Badminton, I hate it, I can never hit the stupid shuttlethingy. So, he wanted to play, he went with my best friend and played, I stayed home and did what I wanted. Now one of the things that has p*****d me off is he has said since leaving, that I didn't have my own life and stopped him from seeing friends and doing his hobbies. I never did, as illustrated in the example above, sure I asked him to cut back on social stuff as he already worked 14 hour days and had a ton of after work events. He never told me he had any problem though. The real reason behind that excuse is he wanted everything his own way, ALL the time.

 

So, why am I telling you all this, because I want to demonstrate to you how your wife is twisting events, re-writing history. The crux of it is that she could have made it clear to you what she needed, you are not a mind reader, she choose not to. You could not have done more than you did, because you didn't know there was a problem, you were not a bad husaband. The min this other guy doesn't do what she needs because he isn't a mind reader either, she'll be off again.

 

Lisa, this is scary, you have lived my life. You almost married a male version of my wife!!

 

TOJAZ

[lupa]

Just a quick brain update here -- I've noticed the running dialogue in my mind that has been going on for months recently shifted from arguing all the reasons we should stay together to being just plain angry. I guess this is a good thing. I didn't wake up today sad and depressed and alone, I woke up a little ticked off.

 

I'm going to have to play fair when get into the finances/property discussion, but what impetus is there to be nice to this person? She's the one that screwed everything up, shouldn't I just do my best to protect my own interests? Does that make me a bad person?

 

Anyway...I'm constantly amazed at how many people have similar stories to us. There should be a class everyone is forced to take before marriage that explains all this bullsh*t.

[LisaUk]

Just a quick brain update here -- I've noticed the running dialogue in my mind that has been going on for months recently shifted from arguing all the reasons we should stay together to being just plain angry. I guess this is a good thing. I didn't wake up today sad and depressed and alone, I woke up a little ticked off.

 

I'm going to have to play fair when get into the finances/property discussion, but what impetus is there to be nice to this person? She's the one that screwed everything up, shouldn't I just do my best to protect my own interests? Does that make me a bad person?

 

Anyway...I'm constantly amazed at how many people have similar stories to us. There should be a class everyone is forced to take before marriage that explains all this bullsh*t.

 

There is! If you marry in Chruch here you can be aske to attend wedding prep classes, our Vicar didn't ask us to go, presumebly becaus ehe felt "you have been together 18 years, there is nothing I can tell you about marriage that you don't already know"! Guess he wasn't banking on my ex being gamophobic then? Actually I recieved an e-mail from our Vicar, after I informed him of my ex's dishonesty when he cancelled our wedding, he was rather shocked to say the least.

[LisaUk]

Lisa, this is scary, you have lived my life. You almost married a male version of my wife!!

 

TOJAZ

 

Yes, I have thought the same from some of your posts, particularly when you have spoken about her constant working at home!

[lupa]

There is! If you marry in Chruch here you can be aske to attend wedding prep classes, our Vicar didn't ask us to go, presumebly becaus ehe felt "you have been together 18 years, there is nothing I can tell you about marriage that you don't already know"! Guess he wasn't banking on my ex being gamophobic then? Actually I recieved an e-mail from our Vicar, after I informed him of my ex's dishonesty when he cancelled our wedding, he was rather shocked to say the least.

Well, I keep thinking back to the one meeting we had with the minister who married us. He sat there and said, "there will be a day when the two of you do not feel like you are in love. Remember this conversation that day, and remember the feeling you have now."

 

...all this makes me believe more and more that she thinks the grass is greener in California.

 

Man does that crush my heart.

 

I really didn't think she would be capable of any of this. I really did think she was going to be by my side until I was 90 yrs old and couldn't remember my own name.

 

Wow.

 

I hate the backslide. I guess for every up on this roller coaster there is going to be a down. I was doing good for some of the day...then I just got real let down.

 

Oh well, at least I'm not contacting her any more. It is all up to her now.

[lupa]

Ok, well, time for some good news -- the research project I've focused on for the last year and a half (I guess at the cost of my marriage, no less) IS WORKING.

 

I've effectively removed 100x normal contamination we would find in water in the matter of minutes. This is unbelievably huge.

 

We need an independent lab to verify the results, because we can only measure a "correlating" factor, not the actual contaminant. But we've been able to duplicate the results over and over again.

 

 

 

 

 

...the sick thing is that I'm not too happy. I'm like...glad...or something weak like that. But! One day the full ramification of this will set in, and then I'll be happy.

[delajoonal]

Congrats!!!

you are so lucky you have a great occupation and such accomplishments too:)

 

try to enjoy your hard work with your colleagues;)

[LisaUk]

What figure did you get on your correlation and which test? (I'm in stats, just interested). Congrats!

[lupa]

What figure did you get on your correlation and which test? (I'm in stats, just interested). Congrats!

Nothing that interesting. The piece of machinery we have to take measurements only reads a piece of the overall data we want, but it is the only thing that functions real-time, online, and can give us feedback. So we would have to take a sample, send it to a lab, and then relate that number back to the one we measured. So, I cannot measure direct results in our test, but we have been able to drive that number to 0 consistently, and therefore we can unequivocally say that we've eliminated the problem. We just calculate the contaminant concentration in the sample we "spike" ...and there you go. we know what those numbers mean.

 

We haven't gone for outside verification yet, but we're getting closer. As long as I can keep repeating my results, I'm golden.

 

We've been repeating results for the last 7 days, and I wish I could get more excited.

 

It is like that woman just f*cking sucked out my will to live. I'm sure I'll get it back, but the thing that has made me the happiest in these last few weeks is this fantastic bottle of scotch I bought tonight.

 

Mmm...tastes good, real good.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Dont be bummed out Lupa...

 

sounds like whatever you stumbled upon with the whole water thing could financially make you fortunate in life. All that hard work didnt go to waste, and you shouldn't be so depressed over loosing your marriage because your a workaholic. remember she's the one who walked away. even when you was working hard...she left.

 

You wanted to make things better and she left...

 

So what can you do other than move on...

 

I think your definitely heading in the right direction, but you need to be more positive. You may have been given a second chance to find a woman better than your STBX. A woman who wants your kids, who wants to be one with you! who wont quit when she wants things her way and then has the chance to make things better quits anyway. I could see if you was out there cheating with anything that has a pulse but you wasnt right???

[lupa]

You're right, it wasn't me who quit and I didn't cheat; she wasn't strong enough to stick around to help me make it happen.

 

I'm just so saddened by it, because I really thought she was the one. I had dedicated my life to "us" even though I didn't show it as well as I could have.

 

You're right, maybe I'll meet someone who can appreciate me and what I'm trying, I just feel pretty lonely right now.

 

I think I have to get comfortable with myself for the first time in my life.

 

...what a tough lesson, huh?

[Chrome Barracuda]

You're right, it wasn't me who quit and I didn't cheat; she wasn't strong enough to stick around to help me make it happen.

 

I'm just so saddened by it, because I really thought she was the one. I had dedicated my life to "us" even though I didn't show it as well as I could have.

 

You're right, maybe I'll meet someone who can appreciate me and what I'm trying, I just feel pretty lonely right now.

 

I think I have to get comfortable with myself for the first time in my life.

 

...what a tough lesson, huh?

 

It sucks but your gonna have to relearn what it means to be single again.

 

I didnt have the best relationship with women before I was singe but dealing with a few women after my relationships ended made me a whole lot better than what I was before.

 

Now I just got my drivers' permit, Yeah I know long time.Getting my car by next year. Got a great job. made full time. and I'm happy. and yes I'm lonely but better off. not dealing with any crazy biotches!!! lol.

 

You'll find someone later... wasnt you already catching the eye of a few women!?!? LOL

[lupa]

It sucks but your gonna have to relearn what it means to be single again.

 

I didnt have the best relationship with women before I was singe but dealing with a few women after my relationships ended made me a whole lot better than what I was before.

 

Now I just got my drivers' permit, Yeah I know long time.Getting my car by next year. Got a great job. made full time. and I'm happy. and yes I'm lonely but better off. not dealing with any crazy biotches!!! lol.

 

You'll find someone later... wasnt you already catching the eye of a few women!?!? LOL

Yeah, I have had a few connections, I guess. I just feel so hollow that I don't really know how to proceed. I guess I'm not too concerned in the long term, but a friend recently told me that I'm probably the least patient person he knows. So right now I feel like time is running out, even though it has only been a few months, and I'm 31.

 

I've always felt that we have a limited time here, so we should go balls out all the time. I hate waiting in line, I'm a beast at the mall. I dunno.

 

This is just presenting more opportunities than I want to be a better person right now.

 

I guess I'll just have to know in my heart that my real best friend is out there, somewhere.

[phineas]

You're right, it wasn't me who quit and I didn't cheat; she wasn't strong enough to stick around to help me make it happen.

 

I'm just so saddened by it, because I really thought she was the one. I had dedicated my life to "us" even though I didn't show it as well as I could have.

 

You're right, maybe I'll meet someone who can appreciate me and what I'm trying, I just feel pretty lonely right now.

 

I think I have to get comfortable with myself for the first time in my life.

 

...what a tough lesson, huh?

 

At least your not 37 with two little ones. Though, if I had to re-live this whole thing i'd do it again just for them.

[Gunny376]

I'm 52 and laughng my ass off at you two!

 

Here you are hanging up your life in your thirties as though it was done, did and over?

 

Granted! You can probally kiss the girls from the soreity away! Gone are co-ed days? But when your 31? Who's got time for that anyway?

 

Your in the Prime of your Life!

 

Slapping you both silly in the head!