Apart and shaken

[lupa]

Why did I recently start dreaming about it? I hadn't for the first three months, and now for the last week or so I'm dreaming about it each night.

 

Makes waking up hell, but maybe it's the ol' noggin finally accepting the reality?

 

Anyone else have this happen?

[LisaUk]

Well, I am the reverse of that. The dreams were really bad and now they are tailing off. Perhaps it is because you are thinking about moving forward, like a way of letting go?

[lupa]

Well, maybe that is it. But I really love her, still do, and I don't want to let go. I feel like I hurt her so much because I was oblivious to her pain (this goes back to her insecurity issues, etc) and I feel like I drove her away.

 

It is too bad, because I really would have been willing to clear the air and start anew, but she said no. She bailed, couldn't take it, so now I have to deal with the reality. I have to let go.

 

I'm not crying, I'm not whining, I'm just saying that it feels like this whole thing could have been averted -- and that is the part that makes me sad. I feel terrible that I hurt her, even though it wasn't intentional. Just for reference, I hit a groundhog recently with my car, I think he was committing suicide, and I feel bad about that. This was like a month ago, and watching him go stiff on the road behind me...I dunno, stupid bleeding heart or something. Maybe I'm a wuss...I just don't like hurting anything. People, animals, anything. I mean, I feel bad about **** I did in middle school sometimes when I remember it.

 

But yeah, I guess my brain is starting to store her as a memory, because that's what dreams are, or at least that's what I think. My brain is starting to process all this at night, pack it in, hit the save button, and move on. I just wish...

 

Poor girl is running from the man who would take care of her forever, now that I know how. Sure there will be others, sure there is someone strong enough to not bail out, but I really did (and still do) love this one. Too bad.

[LisaUk]

Well, maybe that is it. But I really love her, still do, and I don't want to let go. I feel like I hurt her so much because I was oblivious to her pain (this goes back to her insecurity issues, etc) and I feel like I drove her away.

 

It is too bad, because I really would have been willing to clear the air and start anew, but she said no. She bailed, couldn't take it, so now I have to deal with the reality. I have to let go.

 

I'm not crying, I'm not whining, I'm just saying that it feels like this whole thing could have been averted -- and that is the part that makes me sad. I feel terrible that I hurt her, even though it wasn't intentional.You are not a mind reader, had you of known you were hurting her you would have stopped right? So you cannot beat yourself up like this, you were doing your best, what more could you have done? Just for reference, I hit a groundhog recently with my car, (What's a groundhog? Is it like a hedgehog?) I think he was committing suicide, LOL and I feel bad about that. This was like a month ago, and watching him go stiff on the road behind me...I dunno, stupid bleeding heart or something. Maybe I'm a wuss...You're not a wuss, just caring I just don't like hurting anything. People, animals, anything. I mean, I feel bad about **** I did in middle school sometimes when I remember it.

 

But yeah, I guess my brain is starting to store her as a memory, because that's what dreams are, or at least that's what I think. Sometimes dreams are there to help make sense of things, or to address issues that your conscious mind finds hard to deal with. My brain is starting to process all this at night, pack it in, hit the save button, and move on. I just wish...

 

Poor girl is running from the man who would take care of her forever, now that I know how. Sure there will be others, sure there is someone strong enough to not bail out, but I really did (and still do) love this one. Too bad. I know. I feel the same, but remember she chose to bail. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life, have children with a women that can just walk away withour trying? Would you really want to put any children through what you are going through right now?

[MrMayI]

whenever i feel like i hurt my wife to the point she checked out, i also remind myself that she acted happy until right at the end, moved out, and continued to have her EA, possibly PA. then i make sure to remind myself of what i will do right next time, but this time was not just all my fault.

[lupa]

whenever i feel like i hurt my wife to the point she checked out, i also remind myself that she acted happy until right at the end, moved out, and continued to have her EA, possibly PA. then i make sure to remind myself of what i will do right next time, but this time was not just all my fault.

Touché. I was pretty unaware of a lot of this.

 

I know that last post sounds like I'm piling the guilt on myself...however, I don't think that is the case. I'm just looking back, and feeling sorrow for what was and could have been.

 

I'm on a couple of days of complete no contact, and like a week of no contact other than bills. So, it is pretty clear she wants nothing to do with me.

[MrMayI]

Touché. I was pretty unaware of a lot of this.

 

I know that last post sounds like I'm piling the guilt on myself...however, I don't think that is the case. I'm just looking back, and feeling sorrow for what was and could have been.

 

I'm on a couple of days of complete no contact, and like a week of no contact other than bills. So, it is pretty clear she wants nothing to do with me.

 

i know how you feel. i'm going on about a week of no contact other than the daughter, and handing divorce papers.

[delajoonal]

i would like to add on to MR's post about when we feel like we contributed to our W/H leaving us...

 

oh boy, this should be an entire thread on its own..lol

 

i am telling you, the guilt, the tears, the ripping my hair out, on my knees yelilng at God asking WHY he LET me act that way, etc....

 

but in reality...WE did not do anything, of course WE are not perfect...but we did not leave, ALL of us here are the spouses that TRIED to make it better, that TRIED to have second go of it, etc....THEY left us, and IMO, they are the ones that FAILED US! they walked out, gave up, that only takes one person, right...so they are the failures in our marriages...

 

ok, so when i get in ONE OF THOSE MOODS...you all have to remind me of what i just posted..OK..LOL

[lupa]

i would like to add on to MR's post about when we feel like we contributed to our W/H leaving us...

 

oh boy, this should be an entire thread on its own..lol

 

i am telling you, the guilt, the tears, the ripping my hair out, on my knees yelilng at God asking WHY he LET me act that way, etc....

 

but in reality...WE did not do anything, of course WE are not perfect...but we did not leave, ALL of us here are the spouses that TRIED to make it better, that TRIED to have second go of it, etc....THEY left us, and IMO, they are the ones that FAILED US! they walked out, gave up, that only takes one person, right...so they are the failures in our marriages...

 

ok, so when i get in ONE OF THOSE MOODS...you all have to remind me of what i just posted..OK..LOL

Will do...you can be sure of it.

 

I think I'm at the stage where letting go is just making me nostalgic. It is too bad, because we really did have such a good time together. We laughed and laughed and laughed. And laughed.

 

See the pattern?

 

I don't know, I guess her being alone for so long just ruined it. I didn't know any better, but I never would have walked.

 

You know what? I can't say that. I wonder what would have happened if some hot chick started showing interest in me along the way, when I was unhappy with my wife. I really can't answer that question, but I can't say I'd immediately discount it. Or maybe I already did, and just didn't know it.

 

Hmmm.

 

Putting one's self in the other person's shoes. Isn't that...like...empathy or something?

 

This is all so strange and new to me.

 

What would you do if the table's were turned? I don't think I'd have done it, but I guess I really cannot say.

[MrMayI]

honestly lupa, i've had several nice, beautiful women ask for my number when out with friends and not my wife. i didn't give them the time of day. sure, i may have flirted with a co-worker at times, but she and i have never, ever spoken outside of work, and that was never brought home with me. i know for fact i wouldn't have done it. i'm not coded for that.

[LisaUk]

Will do...you can be sure of it.

 

I think I'm at the stage where letting go is just making me nostalgic. It is too bad, because we really did have such a good time together. We laughed and laughed and laughed. And laughed.

 

See the pattern?

 

I don't know, I guess her being alone for so long just ruined it. I didn't know any better, but I never would have walked.

 

You know what? I can't say that. I wonder what would have happened if some hot chick started showing interest in me along the way, when I was unhappy with my wife. I really can't answer that question, but I can't say I'd immediately discount it. Or maybe I already did, and just didn't know it.

 

Hmmm.

 

Putting one's self in the other person's shoes. Isn't that...like...empathy or something?

 

This is all so strange and new to me.

 

What would you do if the table's were turned? I don't think I'd have done it, but I guess I really cannot say.

 

Yes understanding what another is feeling is empathy.

 

There were times during the 18 years with my ex that I was incrediably unhappy, you know what I did? I TOLD HIM.

 

I can say for sure, because I have been there. Nothing justifys her behaviour Lupa, if she was unahppy she should have told you, not choosen to seek comfort elsewhere.

[lupa]

Yes understanding what another is feeling is empathy.

 

There were times during the 18 years with my ex that I was incrediably unhappy, you know what I did? I TOLD HIM.

 

I can say for sure, because I have been there. Nothing justifys her behaviour Lupa, if she was unahppy she should have told you, not choosen to seek comfort elsewhere.

Yup, you're right. And when you're right, lisa, you're right.

 

I know all this...and it isn't like this is after 20 yrs or something, with 15 of neglect. This has been about 6 months, and she wasn't strong enough to come along.

 

I just miss the good times now, I don't feel like I can't go on without her or anything. Like I said, this feels eerily like acceptance or something. I'll probably still cry about it periodically, but at the same time, I'm looking forward to getting some stuff done tonight -- clean out the car, exercise, do the laundry. If I have time, I'll look at bills, and then off to the bar and karaoke night at the local place.

 

I'm so corny I tried on the clothes I'm going to wear thursday for date night and wore them around the house last night, just to get a feel for them.

 

lol...this has been so hard, and I'm sure it will only get harder when the legal stuff starts, but for right now I'm just looking a day or two ahead and moving.

 

Carpe diem, my friends. This is our one shot on this freaking rock, let's have a go at it!

[MrMayI]

it's getting easier lupa. we've been through about the same timeframe. i haven't cried since whenever the last time i posted was. sure, if the papers start to go through, i may feel it again, but i'm stuck in the disgust, pity, and all that stemming from my wife's total disregard for anyone's well being, except her own. i don't even think she cares for herself right now.

[delajoonal]

lupa..i have been in that PHASE for months now..

i cannot think of ANYTHING bad..my mind just keeps going to the GOOD times only..

what the heck is that all about???

 

i want to remember the bad stuff and get angry... but i can't..i feel like we went from the first place we lived together/married...and ALL the good stuff in between...

 

and with H..well, now that is a dif story..

 

ALL H can remember is the BAD stuff...tyical of MLC tho...

 

well lupa..it is just another part of grieving..let yourself feel the good times and smile...and when we finally do get the bad times...well, i am sure this board will be exploding with posts from H***...LOL

 

i hope i never get THERE tho...i like remembering the good stuff..it keeps me going everyday...with some hope of reconcilation...hope;)

[lupa]

lupa..i have been in that PHASE for months now..

i cannot think of ANYTHING bad..my mind just keeps going to the GOOD times only..

what the heck is that all about???

 

i want to remember the bad stuff and get angry... but i can't..i feel like we went from the first place we lived together/married...and ALL the good stuff in between...

 

and with H..well, now that is a dif story..

 

ALL H can remember is the BAD stuff...tyical of MLC tho...

 

well lupa..it is just another part of grieving..let yourself feel the good times and smile...and when we finally do get the bad times...well, i am sure this board will be exploding with posts from H***...LOL

 

i hope i never get THERE tho...i like remembering the good stuff..it keeps me going everyday...with some hope of reconcilation...hope;)

Well, my friend, I'm at the point where I hope I can grow from this...I'm not like pining for the old times, I'm just nostalgic. Halcyon days of my youth and such. Ha. My youth.

 

I really do feel different. I feel older, not yet wiser but I'm trying, and maybe I'm settling down a little.

 

I don't know how long this will last, but I find myself working for 15 and 20 minute stretches during the day, not just 2. It is getting better.

 

I'm running and starting to think about other things...plus my times are coming WAY down...a 2.5 mile run that took me 22 minutes about 3 weeks ago is down to 17.10. I'm slowly getting my **** back together.

 

I really think the sleeping pills are helping...I'm getting rest, and with a good night's sleep, I can even shake the fog of the pills by about 9 am.

 

Keep on truckin.

[delajoonal]

good for you sweetie!

lupa..you sound like IT is getting easier for you..i hope it just keeps moving along too:)

 

and congrats! on your time...wow! you must be proud of that accomplishment:)

 

take care...

[hopesndreams]

Well, my friend, I'm at the point where I hope I can grow from this...I'm not like pining for the old times, I'm just nostalgic. Halcyon days of my youth and such. Ha. My youth.

 

I really do feel different. I feel older, not yet wiser but I'm trying, and maybe I'm settling down a little.

 

I don't know how long this will last, but I find myself working for 15 and 20 minute stretches during the day, not just 2. It is getting better.

 

I'm running and starting to think about other things...plus my times are coming WAY down...a 2.5 mile run that took me 22 minutes about 3 weeks ago is down to 17.10. I'm slowly getting my **** back together.

 

I really think the sleeping pills are helping...I'm getting rest, and with a good night's sleep, I can even shake the fog of the pills by about 9 am.

Keep on truckin.

 

Melatonin...it works! Amazing to me, 5 months of this nightmare, and this is the stuff that works best. No prescription needed, no harmful side effects. And, it's cheap.

[MrMayI]

i take melatonin as well. i like it. i don't take it every day, and the off days i still don't sleep well. my thoughts are directed at other things, but i have very vivid dreams involving my wife, and then wake up mad at myself for even subconsciously being sad. i thing i've just repressed my sadness that it comes out in my sleep. i don't feel i have time to be that way right now. i'm hoping never again. life is getting shorter every single day.

[lupa]

i take melatonin as well. i like it. i don't take it every day, and the off days i still don't sleep well. my thoughts are directed at other things, but i have very vivid dreams involving my wife, and then wake up mad at myself for even subconsciously being sad. i thing i've just repressed my sadness that it comes out in my sleep. i don't feel i have time to be that way right now. i'm hoping never again. life is getting shorter every single day.

Melatonin didn't do a damn thing for me, so I went and got something a lot stronger. Probably isn't good, and I don't plan on taking it forever...I tried cutting it off last week, and I didn't sleep at all, so for the short term that is what I gotta do.

 

As for the dreams thing -- I said it earlier...it is not so much oppressed sadness, I think the brain is just locking in some memories, part of the process of letting go.

 

Or at least, that is what I think, because now that I'm dreaming about it, I'm not dying each second of each day. Dunno. Seems so freaking bizarre like this is Opposite World or something.

 

Too bad, right? Too freaking bad.

[hopesndreams]

I spent 10 years with my H. He is in my dreams every night, no matter what is in the dream, he is there. I awake in such despair, still. My mum died in '95, she too, is in my dreams. Such sadness.

[delajoonal]

weird you all talking of dreams of the H and W...i NEVER had ONE dream in 5 months about my H (who left me), until last week...what is that all about?

 

also i would like to add, that while melotonin is a great remedy for natural sleep , IT does cause VERY VERY STRANGE dream patterns and even nightmares...

so keep that in mind, K...

 

and if you are dreaming TOO Much of the stbx, maybe you need to talk more about them during the day or post here MORE????

 

just thinking IT needs to come out somewhere besides your dreams..so you all can get some much needed rest:)

[lupa]

Hell, my doc put me on an anti-psychotic medicine that has the major side-effect of sleep. So, at least I'm not psychotic, I guess.

 

Actually, I think it makes me sad during the day, until I start moving around, and then it makes me happy. Quite frankly I don't like it, but I don't really have another choice. Other sleep medicine just doesn't leave my body for like 18 hours, so this is better than nothing.

 

I've asked him to way reduce the dosage, we'll see what happens.

 

Weird part is that it doesn't keep me from waking up, but it lets me fall back to sleep immediately. It is like manna from heaven. I wake up at 4, close my eyes, and it is 7, not 4:20.

 

It is such a relief, but I do have to fight it during the day.

 

Exercise really doesn't do it yet, but I haven't got up over the 20 minute mark for much of anything recently. Maybe if I start running an hour a day.

 

We'll see.

 

No real fun out at the karaoke bar, and quite a lot of work struggles that we found out this evening, but I'm ok with it for now.

 

More updates tomorrow.

[LisaUk]

Hope it's not diazipam Lupa? Be careful a lot of them can be highly addictive, we don't want you getting through this, to then have to detox!

 

H&D-I feel for you, I hate mornings too.

[lupa]

Hope it's not diazipam Lupa? Be careful a lot of them can be highly addictive, we don't want you getting through this, to then have to detox!

 

H&D-I feel for you, I hate mornings too.

No, it isn't diazepam, and isn't known to be addictive. However, the dosages I'm being given are ridiculous, and make it difficult to go through the day, so I'm taking very little of each pill, which is bad because they are supposed to be time-delayed. although...by accelerating the action, less can get me more sleep, and then be out of the system, so I'm not too concerned. Either way, I do need it to sleep for the short term. I hope this goes away after a while.

 

I'm looking at greatly increasing the time I run over the next few months, so we'll see how that goes. Maybe an hour run would knock my ass out.

[LisaUk]

The sleep does return on its own in time, I'm nearly 5 months post him p*****g off and I sleep right through now, no dreams that I remember most nights. I did have a dream about you and Tojaz the other night though! Weird, can't really remember it, guess I must have been thinking about LS before going to sleep or something!