Apart and shaken

[Gunny376]

Melatonin didn't do a damn thing for me, so I went and got something a lot stronger. Probably isn't good, and I don't plan on taking it forever...I tried cutting it off last week, and I didn't sleep at all, so for the short term that is what I gotta do.

 

As for the dreams thing -- I said it earlier...it is not so much oppressed sadness, I think the brain is just locking in some memories, part of the process of letting go.

 

Or at least, that is what I think, because now that I'm dreaming about it, I'm not dying each second of each day. Dunno. Seems so freaking bizarre like this is Opposite World or something.

 

Too bad, right? Too freaking bad.

 

 

Make sure your not confussing 3 mmg with 3mg.

 

 

3mmg wouldn't make a hamsester sleepy!

 

I take one 5mg.

[lupa]

I was taking the 5 mg, gunny, and it wasn't helping. I'd still wake up in the middle of the night, and then not be able to fall back to sleep. So, they put me on the good stuff...

 

 

Well, I'm nervous as all hell about tonight. I cannot figure out why, because it is not like I'm nervous about going out with this woman. I think I'm still feeling an incredible guilt about abandoning my marriage and my oath.

 

I know, the oath was between two people, and the other one already bailed out, but geez, guys, I meant those words, I really did. How could I ever say them again and mean them?

 

Who am I, and why am I here?

 

I'm actually not just making a James Stockdale joke (get the reference?), I'm being serious...who am I now, and why in the world am I at this point in my life?

 

I guess things were getting pretty boring and mundane, and I hadn't led that kind of life up until the routine of marriage set in. In the words of the great Bill Watterson..."It's a magical world...let's go exploring." Life is no longer boring and mundane -- it is intense, painful, exhilarating, exhausting, rewarding, scary...magical.

 

I've taken the first step, so now I have to get that other foot out in front, and get to moving. More tough times ahead, no doubt about it, but I'm guessing there are more good times ahead, too.

[LisaUk]

You will be able to make those vows again, because you did not break them, she did! You meant them and would have continued to uphold them, so if and when the time ever comes again you will mean every word then to. Just make sure if the time ever does come again that you have choosen wisely!

[lupa]

You will be able to make those vows again, because you did not break them, she did! You meant them and would have continued to uphold them, so if and when the time ever comes again you will mean every word then to. Just make sure if the time ever does come again that you have choosen wisely!

Well, given my track record...I don't have too much confidence in my decision-making ability right now.

 

I really just thought she was the one I'd be with forever. I guess I had never been so wrong about anything in my life. ...what a mind-blowing concept.

 

Sheesh.

 

I can't believe how nervous I am for tonight.

[phineas]

for all you people dreaming of the ex I have a suggestion.

RE-ARANGE the bedroom.

Put the bed on a different wall.

Move everything around.

 

It will seem less familiar, it will disorient you pleasantly.

Last night, I woke & found myself on HER side of the bed.

Actually I was spread out accross the king size mattress.

 

For some stupid reason I just didn't sleep on her side.

Now, I don't consider it her side.

I consider it my bed.

 

For some reason, i'm in a really good mood today.

Not sure why.

 

maybe it's because my STB-EX's friend called me up to tell me my wife was hanging out with Trash in a Trash bar tonight because most of her other friends are now pissed at her because she spent two yrs telling them how horrible a husband I was but failed to tell them she went cruising for a boyfriend on internet dating sites about the same time I turned into this "horrible husband"

 

Well, I didn't tell them, if she's lieing to her oldest & best friends then that's their problem. Not mine. One of her friends knew the truth because i'm good friends with her husband so he must of told her & she called her friends.

 

Aint Karma a beyotch?

[lupa]

two things happened today that I want to mention (and of course tonight is date night! lol...I can't believe how excited/nervous/nerd I am):

 

First -- we had my dad taken to the hospital because he turned the wrong color, his eyes dilated, and he was...distant. 61, in pretty good shape. I sometimes have this happen, usually like two days after a heavy drinking episode, and I'm just dehydrated. We all work together, and one of his business associates that he's known forever was in his office when it happened...the guy insisted he go the hospital. All he wanted was a soda, so we gave him a coke, and he said he felt fine, which I'm sure he did, but we took him anyway.

 

Second -- I checked the online accounts, and the wife was about to overdraft hers. I called her and told her to hold off, as I had transferred some money to cover bills. I get paid tomorrow, and screw it, I'll put like $100 back in hers. She gets her check next week, and I'll take money to pay bills as I see fit.

 

I wanted to call her, because last week she overdrew, and we got hit with a charge...negligible, but still $$ that I don't want to spend.

 

So on the phone I mentioned my dad. Maybe I played it down, maybe I wasn't paying attention, but her saying, "Well text me later to tell me he's ok, ok?" really f*cking pissed me off. Why not something like, "I'm sure this upsets you, even if you aren't showing it, because the two of you are so close. Do you care if I call, just to check up on him?"

 

Why in the holy hell should I placate HER needs about this? Why wouldn't she show the slightest compassion and call ME about it? Who is this freaking monster????

 

I just had the thought that maybe I don't feel quite so guilty anymore about tonight.

 

Can you believe her??

[MrMayI]

you don't have to placate her.

i hope your dad is a-ok, man.

don't let her even be in your head on your date. just enjoy the hell out of it. you'll be fine. you really will.

 

in regards to my thread, i know exactly what you mean. a co-worker and i were just talking about it this morning. i told her that my wife can't even look me in the eye when she talks to me. she asked if i would let her come back if she wanted. i said i wouldn't, but then said "i really don't know. i know for damn sure it'd be a long while before i'd even let her touch me. she has way too much to prove and improve".

[LisaUk]

Unfortuantely Lupa, yes I can. I don't know what they turn into.

 

How is your dad? How are you?

 

I hope you enjoy your date tonight, you have nothing to feel guilty about. About 2 weeks after my ex left I was walking up through town towards the train station, I noticed a really nice lookin guy looking at me, we made eye contact and smiled at each other. Do you know I felt so guilty, unfaithful, just for that, I never even looked at another guy for the majority of the time we were together, (I can't say all, because as a teenager, when we first started out I did look, but never touched).

 

You have no reason to feel guilty, you upheld your vows, but she has now made that impossible, she will not discuss a future with you, you are a free man.

 

Be sure to post how it went tomorrow, we can all live viacariously through you! LOL

[tojaz]

t

 

Can you believe her??

 

Yes I can man. I lived it. They become very selfish for some reason. Nothing matters but her right now, and she will not see what it means to you.

 

I wouldn't feel guilty, she cut you loose. Your free to do as you like, it sounds like she is. Shes the one that stepped out, your hand was forced.

 

Let us know how it goes, and I hope your Dad is OK! keep us posted.

TOJAZ

[MrMayI]

Yes I can man. I lived it. They become very selfish for some reason. Nothing matters but her right now, and she will not see what it means to you.

 

I wouldn't feel guilty, she cut you loose. Your free to do as you like, it sounds like she is. Shes the one that stepped out, your hand was forced.

 

Let us know how it goes, and I hope your Dad is OK! keep us posted.

TOJAZ

 

 

all of this is gold. let us know about your dad, and your date. you wear your linen pants? were they a success?

[tojaz]

all of this is gold. let us know about your dad, and your date. you wear your linen pants? were they a success?

 

I think he means "did you keep your linen pants on ALL NIGHT! ;)

 

(Whispering to MAYI) This is the only reason one man should comment on another mans pants! This aint a Dockers commercial!!(slaps upside head)

 

Hope all went well Oompa Lupa (I know still not funny)

TOJAZ

[lupa]

My friends, my friends, my friends...

 

My god.

 

 

First off, I think pops is ok. That he didn't argue about going to the hospital -- this is the guy that would refuse novicaine for a root canal, no joke -- scared the hell outta me. They think it was probably something like a little plaque breaking off, hitting a turn in an artery, getting stuck, and then breaking up. Every test they've done so far has come back clean, and he is now pissed to no end that he has to spend the night in the hospital.

 

Tomorrow is a stress test, which I know he will pass with flying colors. We don't have a history of heart problems in the family, but he is the most disciplined person I know (unlike me, I'm a spazz), and when he was told his cholesterol was out of whack 10 years ago, he quit eating red meat and anything greasy. His cardiologist asked him what drug he started taking without him knowing it...and my dad said, "I just watch what I eat now." He went WAY below what the drug could have ever done.

 

So...I think he is going to be ok. I think I just have to accept that as tough and strong as he is...he isn't going to live forever. That is a tough one to understand, because he's always been the dad that played football with us, taught us to play golf, took us on long bike rides, etc. I've been very lucky to have him. I hope this is just a blip, and I hope some day his grandkids can get to know how awesome he is. That means, of course, I have to have children...

 

 

The date.

 

The date the date the date the date.

 

My god.

 

I don't think it could have gone any better. It was...just...beautiful. We talked, we joked, we ate, we drank, we smiled. We went onto the roof and made out for a while. She is beautiful. She is smart. She is dynamic and witty and funny and I couldn't wipe the grin off my face the entire time.

 

We talked about the last time we were together, and we talked about the first time (high school) we were together. I'm...I'm...

 

 

^^ This is me right now. I don't know what is coming next, but her kiss felt so right. Our kiss felt so right.

 

My...god...

 

I think the right play is taking it slow, not like "playing the game taking it slow" but just...let's get together and do some things to spend time together where the outcome isn't ending up in the sack.

 

By the way, she is the one that brought up how great the sex was...not me. Just throwin that out there.

 

I...I...

 

I have a big-ass smile on my face right now. I'm just so glad I had the cajones to get her number, and we're going to have some fun.

 

My god she is beautiful.

 

My god...

 

EDIT: I just reread this post, and as spastic as I sound...the date went well. We had a blast, and I think there is chemistry there, plus years of history. I'm glad this happened, and now I have to figure out how to proceed. What a great problem to have, you know?

[tojaz]

Glad your dad is going to be OK, quite the scare!

:love:

 

Sounds like your on top of the world LUPA, couldn't be happier for you. I think taking it slow is a good idea, sounds like you might have something real here, something great! Theres also a lot of wounds and baggage to deal with. Have some fun but be fair to yourself, and to her.

 

TOJAZ

[lupa]

Glad your dad is going to be OK, quite the scare!

:love:

 

Sounds like your on top of the world LUPA, couldn't be happier for you. I think taking it slow is a good idea, sounds like you might have something real here, something great! Theres also a lot of wounds and baggage to deal with. Have some fun but be fair to yourself, and to her.

 

TOJAZ

Truer words ain't never been spoken. Be true to myself and her...the last time I was too young, headstrong, and cocksure to make anything real of it. She was in the thick of a bad relationship...we just were not at the right time.

 

Tonight was wonderful.

 

My fatal flaw has always been lack of patience, and trying to take up as much of a good thing as was available as quickly as possible. It might be time for me to play the role of the "old bull" and just walk down the hill for this -- no running -- and take my time.

 

I just can't get over how much I like seeing her smile.

 

Wouldn't it be pretty to think this could work..?

[Gunny376]

Glad to hear that your Dad is doing well. Or at least better than initially.

 

In so far as the date goes?

 

I would rather see you hold off on dating until the ink is at least dried on the "D" papers?

 

But its hard to keep a tiger caged once the doors have been un-locked and flung open! I don't think your of the type to sit around and wait for things to happen, but more of the type that makes things happen.

 

That is to say? You wouldn't have a very good vulture sitting around for something to die? You'd be out hunting and killing something!

 

So yea! Go slow, take your time, and don't rush things. Women like a man who's got self discipline and control and who's not trying to jump 'them bones' straight out the gate!

 

They love anticipation, the Rubber Band Man.

[tojaz]

Truer words ain't never been spoken. Be true to myself and her...the last time I was too young, headstrong, and cocksure to make anything real of it. She was in the thick of a bad relationship...we just were not at the right time.

 

Tonight was wonderful.

 

My fatal flaw has always been lack of patience, and trying to take up as much of a good thing as was available as quickly as possible. It might be time for me to play the role of the "old bull" and just walk down the hill for this -- no running -- and take my time.

 

I just can't get over how much I like seeing her smile.

 

Wouldn't it be pretty to think this could work..?

 

I wouldn't even walk down that hill buddy, be the smart bull, enjoy the view and let it come to you! In being fair, I just think you need to be sure that this new found joy is really for her then just filling a void left by the W. If that is what this becomes, your both going to be in a world of hurt.

TOJAZ

[lupa]

I like gunny's advice a lot...be the smart old bull, and just enjoy the view from up here. Let her come walking up to me. I might shoot her a message thanking her for a great time last night, and then maybe find something to do in the next few days. She is a nurse with a crazy schedule, and try as I did last night, I couldn't exactly follow the whole thing without looking like I was trying to plan out the next few days, so I had to let it go past. I'll just be patient with this.

 

As for this being a rebound...I don't know. we have some chemistry that just can't be chalked up to that, we always have had it. There were a lot of things in the way in the past, and now we just have to see what the future holds.

 

The timing of this couldn't be worse, but at the same time it couldn't be better. That is why this is so crazy and awesome and terrifying. I knew it was going to be great, and that is a major problem, right? It is also a major opportunity.

 

Just like that old Chinese saying which was more of a curse than a blessing: "May you live in interesting times."

 

To call these times interesting would be an understatement.

[LisaUk]

I'm glad your date went so well Lupa! See all those nerves and what for? LOL I left you a reply on my thread as well Lup's.

 

Tojaz, you made me laugh with your comment to MayI!

[tojaz]

I like gunny's advice a lot...be the smart old bull, and just enjoy the view from up here. Let her come walking up to me. I might shoot her a message thanking her for a great time last night, and then maybe find something to do in the next few days. She is a nurse with a crazy schedule, and try as I did last night, I couldn't exactly follow the whole thing without looking like I was trying to plan out the next few days, so I had to let it go past. I'll just be patient with this.

 

As for this being a rebound...I don't know. we have some chemistry that just can't be chalked up to that, we always have had it. There were a lot of things in the way in the past, and now we just have to see what the future holds.

 

The timing of this couldn't be worse, but at the same time it couldn't be better. That is why this is so crazy and awesome and terrifying. I knew it was going to be great, and that is a major problem, right? It is also a major opportunity.

 

Just like that old Chinese saying which was more of a curse than a blessing: "May you live in interesting times."

 

To call these times interesting would be an understatement.

 

I'm not Gunny (he's gonna be pissed for the g vs the G) but I'll take the compliment that you can mistake m advice for his. I think it's the right move. You have a good attitude about this Lupa. I hope it all works out for the best, what ever that turns out to be.

TOJAZ

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

I'm glad your date went so well Lupa! See all those nerves and what for? LOL I left you a reply on my thread as well Lup's.

 

Tojaz, you made me laugh with your comment to MayI!

 

Then my work here is done. (flys off into sunset)

TOJAZ

[Gunny376]

I'm not Gunny (he's gonna be pissed for the g vs the G) but I'll take the compliment that you can mistake m advice for his. I think it's the right move. You have a good attitude about this Lupa. I hope it all works out for the best, what ever that turns out to be.

TOJAZ

TOJAZ

 

Oh! Oh! Oh! (In my best Sam Kinison voice) :eek:

 

That's what it comes down to! :mad:

 

I'm a freaking sack!

 

Not even a smooth flour sack!

 

But a coarse grain sack to hold feed corn!

 

To feed cows, horses, and HOGS!

 

A freaking gunny sack!

 

Twenty plus years in the Marine Corps and all I am is a sad freaking gunny sack to hold feed for horses, cows, and freaking hogs!

 

Just kidding! I''m not really PO'd ~ Just that it wasn't easy to come by.

 

Most people don't join the military, and of the ones that do?

 

Don't join the Marines!

 

Of the ones that do? 50% are discharged within one year of signing the enlistment papers.

 

Of the other 50%, most don't make it their first enlistment ~ its that demanding!

 

Of the the ones that do complete their first enlistment? Most don't re-enlist.

 

Of those that do? Most don't re-enlist a second time?

 

Of those that do? Most don't re-enlist a third time!

 

Statistically? Only one-half of a man out of 100 that went to Marine boot camp make it to twenty years in the Marine Corps.

 

Only six percent of all Marines obtain the rank of Gunny!

 

There are only 999 Marine Sergeant Majors out of over 200,000 Marines.

 

There are only 600 full bird colonels in the Marines.

 

So its a point of pride!

 

That I ain't no freaking feed corn sack!

 

BTW?

 

marines? Should always be spelled Marines, because their not some type of 'marine' life! They're Marines, that gave their lives for our freedom, died with honor, and gave the last full measure!

 

"All gave some! Some gave their all!"

[Gunny376]

And while I'm up on the soap box there lupa!

 

When I said you would have made a good Marine Corps officer?

 

That was about as high a compliment a Marine could give a non-Marine! :laugh:

[Gunny376]

I'm not Gunny (he's gonna be pissed for the g vs the G) but I'll take the compliment that you can mistake m advice for his. I think it's the right move. You have a good attitude about this Lupa. I hope it all works out for the best, what ever that turns out to be.

TOJAZ

TOJAZ

 

I would like to think that I've had some influence on your thinking about all of this?

 

Kind of like one of the ghost from the "Christmas Story" or a combination of both from the past, present and future!

 

"Take the pebble from my hand Grasshopper!"

[lupa]

You guys are going to think I'm crazy, but I purposefully broke no contact and this stupid game to pick a fight tonight.

 

I'm done with her, I'm done with this, and I want her to file. I cannot live this life any longer, and every day I have to wait is another day wasted. So, I confronted her on her infidelity, I confronted her that I saw her at her "best friend's" house tonight. I drove by the apt complex, not knowing where he lived, but lo and behold, I found my wife's car parked out in front of one of them. Excellent. I called. I went off. I asked about her lawyer, and how she was paying for it. When she wouldn't answer but only responded, "It is taken care of" I asked by who? her uncle?

 

I am done with this ****, and I need to her file sooner rather than later.

 

The beautiful woman I went out with last night and I talked today, and it looks like we're getting together on Weds. On top of that, she told me to plan on staying in the city overnight, and I "could get ready for work at her place."

 

...

 

...yup.

 

 

 

 

as for Toj and Gunny and everyone's advice...maybe I confused people becuase I am starting to incorporate you words into my thoughts. There is so much experience here, and wisdom...you all have perspectives taht I want to keep with me forever.

 

And as for the compliment, Gunny, I want you to understand that I have never really been given a better compliment than that in my life. I know some Marines, and they are fiercely proud of what they have earned (rightfully so). To be honored with even the hint that I might be able to hang, well, thank you very much.

[Chrome Barracuda]

...Lupa if your so tired of her bull$hit why dont you file???

 

Why not end things yourself. she's gonna stall for as long as you let her because she's a cake eater and if this things she got with the OM dont work out it gives her a opening to come back. Your her safety net so to speak.

 

So file and get it over with!