Apart and shaken

[lupa]

Well, tonight it just got crazier...

 

Evidently, being the old bull, sitting up here on the hill watching the lay of the land, is a good place to be.

[tojaz]

Well, tonight it just got crazier...

 

Evidently, being the old bull, sitting up here on the hill watching the lay of the land, is a good place to be.

 

Lupa,

 

Theres only two lines there, but I think I can read between them!

TOJAZ

[lupa]

So the trick now is to not go blasting headlong into a insanely passionate affair that flames out in a gloriously epic death plunge...

 

...all while terminating my current marriage that fizzled out in a dull dreary slog.

 

 

 

All hyperbole aside -- I need to take this thing slow, and just have a little patience with it. How do we slow this train down, without completely locking up the brakes and making "a thing" out of it?

[tojaz]

So the trick now is to not go blasting headlong into a insanely passionate affair that flames out in a gloriously epic death plunge...

 

...all while terminating my current marriage that fizzled out in a dull dreary slog.

 

 

 

All hyperbole aside -- I need to take this thing slow, and just have a little patience with it. How do we slow this train down, without completely locking up the brakes and making "a thing" out of it?

 

Honesty is the best policy, tell her it's great but you want to slow it down and enjoy the scenery along the way. That you want to give it every chance of success even if that means cooling off a bit. She will understand, shes probably worried about the same thing!

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

I'm insanely jealous by the way!

[Gunny376]

So the trick now is to not go blasting headlong into a insanely passionate affair that flames out in a gloriously epic death plunge...

 

...all while terminating my current marriage that fizzled out in a dull dreary slog.

 

 

 

All hyperbole aside -- I need to take this thing slow, and just have a little patience with it. How do we slow this train down, without completely locking up the brakes and making "a thing" out of it?

 

 

All of this falls under a little something I like to term "Life"

 

It gets crazy sometimes, confusing, and even down right annoying!

[lupa]

Honesty is the best policy, tell her it's great but you want to slow it down and enjoy the scenery along the way. That you want to give it every chance of success even if that means cooling off a bit. She will understand, shes probably worried about the same thing!

TOJAZ

Yeah, I don't think I'll use the words "cooling off" but I do think she and I need to talk about planning on moving slowly. She lives just outside the radius where popping over for an evening is feasible, like i'd need to pack a bag to have work clothes for the next morning, so that can help keep the intensity down. Planning comes into play.

 

There is a level of passion that has been present since high school -- we both feel it, and we both admitted it. We are a little older and more mature now, so maybe we can see what this can be without letting it burn out too quickly.

 

All of this falls under a little something I like to term "Life"

 

It gets crazy sometimes, confusing, and even down right annoying!

...this whole thing has been terrible and wonderful and confusing and magnificent.

 

I miss my marriage, because it was like a comfortable old blanket that you knew was going to be there when you got home. I sometimes think that what marriages should be like, but maybe with a little more spark than what we gave it. But it was only 3.5 yrs, and we really never hit a point like this...and then she bailed. I think it could have been recoverable, but she bailed.

 

This new old relationship is like looking into the sun, it is that intense and passionate. It has been that way since I was 15, and we both know it, so like I said the trick is to tread lightly, move with cautious optimism, and take...our...time...

 

This whole thing is intoxicating, and right now that is a terribly wonderful thing.

[tojaz]

Good luck Lupa, sounds like you are in deep, but it also sounds like your loving every minute of it. I wouldn't say "cooling off" to her either, try "giving us an honest chance"

TOJAZ

[lupa]

Good luck Lupa, sounds like you are in deep, but it also sounds like your loving every minute of it. I wouldn't say "cooling off" to her either, try "giving us an honest chance"

TOJAZ

I like it.

 

Last night she caught me looking at her and she asked "What?"

 

"My god you are a bombshell..."

 

...I couldn't help myself.

 

 

On a side note, the STBX is coming over tonight to talk about finances...FINALLY. Her lawyer told her that she shouldn't do it, that her lawyer should talk to mine first, and I calmly explained that doing that would cost us all a lot of money we don't need to spend. I told her to come over, take whatever notes she wanted, but i was not putting anything in writing to her. Not going to happen, no emails, texts, calculations, nothing. Everything she takes from the meeting is in her own handwriting. If she doesn't like the suggestions, she can then go with them to her legal counsel, but for the time being, i'm not paying two people $150/hr to discuss something that two rational adults can discuss.

 

Sadly I do not think I'm dealing with a rational adult, though, but I also did say, "Look, let's just agree right now that if one of us gets mad, we'll both walk out of the room, go somewhere separately, take a few deep breaths, and then come back. We need to get through this so that there are assets to divide. You want out, I want to give it to you, but I don't want to pay lawyers to make it happen if we don't have to."

 

Now I just want her gone. I want my old marriage back, but I want her gone.

 

How I can hold two diametrically opposed views in my head at the same time is fascinating, like some kind of Orwellian doublespeak, but I guess that is where I am now.

 

And throw the whole ex into the picture, and this world is just a tumultuous mess.

 

Awesome.

 

Just straight up awesome.

[tojaz]

I like it.

 

 

Now I just want her gone. I want my old marriage back, but I want her gone.

 

How I can hold two diametrically opposed views in my head at the same time is fascinating, like some kind of Orwellian doublespeak, but I guess that is where I am now.

 

And throw the whole ex into the picture, and this world is just a tumultuous mess.

 

Awesome.

 

Just straight up awesome.

 

Watch it with the big words, I'm no fancy pants inventor. I paint cars for a living!:laugh:

 

The two opposed views are because of the two opposed people. You miss your wife, but your dealing with two headed alien face eater.

TOJAZ

[lupa]

Serious question for the people watching this whole thing:

 

 

Am I rebounding, or am I rekindling an old flame? I found myself thinking about her while I was getting bored with my marriage, but I thought that is normal as the passion part dies down and the reality of living with someone takes hold. I let it go, didn't dwell.

 

Well, the marriage is done, and the passion is back...I don't know what I think.

 

Thoughts?

[tojaz]

Serious question for the people watching this whole thing:

 

 

Am I rebounding, or am I rekindling an old flame? I found myself thinking about her while I was getting bored with my marriage, but I thought that is normal as the passion part dies down and the reality of living with someone takes hold. I let it go, didn't dwell.

 

Well, the marriage is done, and the passion is back...I don't know what I think.

 

Thoughts?

 

Time will tell LUPA.

Right now, probably a little bit of both, that s why I said tread lightly. Since the begining you would go on about how dating made you feel better about your situation, and I'd say thats a big part of this. You also seem to have a lot of deep feelings and respect for the old flame as well. I'm obviously not living it, but thats my take anyways. Thats going to be part of being fair to her and giving it a real chance.

TOJAZ

[phineas]

Watch it with the big words, I'm no fancy pants inventor. I paint cars for a living!:laugh:

 

The two opposed views are because of the two opposed people. You miss your wife, but your dealing with two headed alien face eater.

TOJAZ

 

Yeah. that about sums it up.

[Gunny376]

The way I see it is that ~ The XGF was the one you should have been with all along but at the time you were too young, inexperienced, immature to make it work?

 

So you had to go through what you've gone through and are going through with the STBXW, to become tempered with the XGF? (I know lousy grammer)

 

Paradoxical I know, but none the less.

[tojaz]

Gunny has a good way of looking at it. Maybe your marriage and D have prepared you for something more with the old flame? Something you didn't know you were looking for the first time around?

TOJAZ

[lupa]

The way I see it is that ~ The XGF was the one you should have been with all along but at the time you were too young, inexperienced, immature to make it work?

 

So you had to go through what you've gone through and are going through with the STBXW, to become tempered with the XGF? (I know lousy grammer)

 

Paradoxical I know, but none the less.

yeah, I've been thinking that, too.

 

I'm actually a little bemused by the whole situation, because I have been claiming to you folks for the last two months that I now see how I contributed to the downfall of my marriage. It seems as though this is now a test of that claim...can I live the lessons I've claimed to learn? Can it happen that quickly?

 

I already find myself not interrupting people to tell a similar story to theirs...I always thought that was a way to show I understood what they were saying, but I guess it looks like one-upmanship. Now I bite my tongue, ask questions to keep them going...and then maybe at the end say something like, "You know, something similar happened to me, so I think I know what you are saying" and let the story go unless asked.

 

I know, it seems so small a thing, but I am sure it was a flaw.

 

Additionally, I really try to ask questions that go deeper, instead of assuming that people are like me and will tell as much as they want. I'm finding there is a lot of info people leave out, god knows why. When I tell somebody something, they get the fully monty, you know? Why tell the story if you're not willing to share everything? just keep your mouth shut then! Well, like I said, I'm trying to incorporate those lessons.

 

Now I have to start figuring out how to have a relationship with this woman at this crazy time in my life.

 

I'm gonna send her a quick text thanking her for joining us at dinner last night (I'll leave out anything that happened after dinner...lol) and suggest we get together again in a couple of days.

 

I'm not going to do a romantic gesture or anything for some time I don't think. I am sure that would be moving too quickly...but we'll see where this goes.

[lupa]

Me and wife went through the house room by room last night, going over who will get what. She looks so miserable, not like depressed woe is me miserable, just angry at the world miserable. I think it is a front she puts on around me to hang onto her feeling that I'm the root of her unhappiness. What a shame, she could just let up that barrier and smile and realize what she is walking away from.

 

She talked about how her lawyer told her she isn't responsible for any payments for bills, but still gets half the house. I just laughed and said, "Go for it. I'll take us both right into bankruptcy, and you need credit WAY worse than I do." She backed off that a little when I showed her the last three bill cycles where she is paying about 20% of the total.

 

I then proposed a rough number of what it would take to buy her out...she said she'd think about it. We also talked about leaving her stuff in place while the house is on the market. We also talked about the cats...

 

I tried at one point to ask her if she was happy now, but she just pretty much ignored the question. Anything dealing with the actual situation was avoided like the plague...I am getting the feeling more and more that this is the only thing she has any control over at all in her life, and therefore she is going to stay "consistent" in her mindset, not allowing any outside influence on it.

 

It is really sad, because it is also the only thing that was rock solid.

 

So after she left I had a conversation with the ex girlfriend...we had texted earlier and I was kinda stressed, so I called her. I simply said, "Talk to me about something random..."

 

An hour later we were still on the phone, but it was time to go. There is definitely something there, and teh massive risk of a complete flame-out in a couple of months.

 

I'm just astounded, still, by the entire situation that I am in, and saddened that m wife thinks running will be the answer. Problem is she doesn't even know what the hell the question is.

 

I find myself wondering about what it is going to take to have a family now...how long, am I going to be afraid of getting burned again, etc.

 

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, this is so stupid. So stupid.

[seibert253]

It's a shame Lupa. Some women are so emotional, they let it run their life. There's many times my FWW just doesn't understand the concept of simple logic. It's got to the point where it's comical to watch her react to a situation with pure emotion, then later the logic sits in.

 

Sounds like your STBX is letting her emotions run her life. Been there, done that, still got the tee shirt from the trip.

[Cali Chris]

Hey Lupa, how's it going?? It's Cali Chris-- I just have a couple things, i follow your thread off and on, on my 7 months or so of separation.. Just be careful with the ex, and really take it slow, and keep things not so damanding or so much pressure.. just let things happen. I was in a similar situation, about 2 months in- and I ran into in old flame from college... things were great, we talked and really connected , we were getting close but didnt really get to the intimate side, touching, laughing playing,...but not too far.... then it hit, ( i know i'm not explaining all the details but) as quick as she came into my life again, she was gone. We constantly were talking and seeing each other for about 3 months after we met ... but I guess things just happend... the magic just went away or the realization of my situation, maybe she couldnt wait or deal with. We stopped talking , then I just left her a message, letting her know I understood and maybe right now isnt the best time for us to get together. And it just ended. Sorry I dont mean to get you discouraged, just that I've read your posts the last few weeks and ... just wanted to let you know becareful. I'm sure your hearts all over the place and we both know how fragile the heart can be at this moment. It sucks, but i feel better now and I'm doing my best for me and making myself right, and I know someday I'll be ready to really get back out there. Take care!! I hope things turn out, your wiser and your last situation, like you said you learned somethings from.. use it!!

 

Cali Chris

[phineas]

The way I see it is that ~ The XGF was the one you should have been with all along but at the time you were too young, inexperienced, immature to make it work?

 

So you had to go through what you've gone through and are going through with the STBXW, to become tempered with the XGF? (I know lousy grammer)

 

Paradoxical I know, but none the less.

 

It's funny you mention this.

There is someone I knew from highschool.

We always got along when we ran into each other at parties or bars since then.

 

But, both our timings stunk as the many times we crossed paths at parties or bars at least one of us was with someone so nothing more than friendly chit-chat ever happened.

 

She is also a friend of my sisters & knows i'm getting a divorce.

She is interested but my sister has told me she told her I wasn't ready for anything & she told me I wasn't ready either & thinks it will be a disaster if I tried to date her now.

 

I have to agree.

 

So what we have is:

1. me effectively single.

2. a freaking gorgeous woman interested in me.

3. me not going to do a darn thing about it.

 

I must be fracking clownshoes.

[lupa]

Hey Lupa, how's it going?? It's Cali Chris-- I just have a couple things, i follow your thread off and on, on my 7 months or so of separation.. Just be careful with the ex, and really take it slow, and keep things not so damanding or so much pressure.. just let things happen. I was in a similar situation, about 2 months in- and I ran into in old flame from college... things were great, we talked and really connected , we were getting close but didnt really get to the intimate side, touching, laughing playing,...but not too far.... then it hit, ( i know i'm not explaining all the details but) as quick as she came into my life again, she was gone. We constantly were talking and seeing each other for about 3 months after we met ... but I guess things just happend... the magic just went away or the realization of my situation, maybe she couldnt wait or deal with. We stopped talking , then I just left her a message, letting her know I understood and maybe right now isnt the best time for us to get together. And it just ended. Sorry I dont mean to get you discouraged, just that I've read your posts the last few weeks and ... just wanted to let you know becareful. I'm sure your hearts all over the place and we both know how fragile the heart can be at this moment. It sucks, but i feel better now and I'm doing my best for me and making myself right, and I know someday I'll be ready to really get back out there. Take care!! I hope things turn out, your wiser and your last situation, like you said you learned somethings from.. use it!!

 

Cali Chris

Yeah, slow and steady on this one, I think. We have such an intense history and passion...that it would be a fiery disaster if I can't figure out how to rein it in a little. I've said it before, it is good that we are 30 miles apart right now...makes it tough to spend every day together.

 

It's funny you mention this.

There is someone I knew from highschool.

We always got along when we ran into each other at parties or bars since then.

 

But, both our timings stunk as the many times we crossed paths at parties or bars at least one of us was with someone so nothing more than friendly chit-chat ever happened.

 

She is also a friend of my sisters & knows i'm getting a divorce.

She is interested but my sister has told me she told her I wasn't ready for anything & she told me I wasn't ready either & thinks it will be a disaster if I tried to date her now.

 

I have to agree.

 

So what we have is:

1. me effectively single.

2. a freaking gorgeous woman interested in me.

3. me not going to do a darn thing about it.

 

I must be fracking clownshoes.

So start out being friends? Why not go grab happy hour drinks or something, to just chat?

[lupa]

Completely unrelated to the thread for a sec -- you guys see the shooting that just happened at the gym? That's about 15 minutes from where I live, and in the little town where a lot of my friends live. I know folks that work out there! It's crazy.

 

 

Back to this -- I still have that running fight in my head, trying to reason my way through why all this happened. Sadly, i think I'm just going to have to let it go.

 

I'm a little...down...after meeting with her to go through possessions. I guess it wasn't so much seeing her, as it was realizing all that she is walking from. I just can't wrap my mind around it.

 

Time and stuff, yeah I know.

 

Maybe the ex will want to get together tomorrow or something.

[LisaUk]

Completely unrelated to the thread for a sec -- you guys see the shooting that just happened at the gym? That's about 15 minutes from where I live, and in the little town where a lot of my friends live. I know folks that work out there! It's crazy.

 

 

Back to this -- I still have that running fight in my head, trying to reason my way through why all this happened. Sadly, i think I'm just going to have to let it go.

 

I'm a little...down...after meeting with her to go through possessions. I guess it wasn't so much seeing her, as it was realizing all that she is walking from. I just can't wrap my mind around it.

 

Time and stuff, yeah I know.

 

Maybe the ex will want to get together tomorrow or something.

 

Lupa, you keep calling her the ex! She isn't an ex anymore is she? You are dating her! I know what you mean though, LOL

[lupa]

Lupa, you keep calling her the ex! She isn't an ex anymore is she? You are dating her! I know what you mean though, LOL

Well, I think I am purposefully calling her the ex so that I don't go blasting headlong into what I feel is a relationship. I need to maintain some distance, like I didn't call her and wasn't planning on talking to her yesterday. Just so happened, though, that she texted me about the shooting at the gym, so I did respond to that.

 

I don't know what she is to me right now, but I certainly know what she could be -- a passionate love affair that goes rocketing out of control. It would be fantastic and terrible and I would be alone at the end again.

 

So, I'm going to try to keep it under control, and move in a much more measured way than I normally would. How I'm going to do that is still up in the air, but yeah, I'm going to move slowly.

[lupa]

Calm me down, people. STBX just had her unemployment check deposited into our joint account, and then took it all out. We have bills to split (I've been having her pay 20% or so) and now her side of the account is completely empty.

 

I thought we had agreed to not do that until we finalized our future plans for finalizing the divorce.

 

I'm going to call her about it tonight, but I want to be calm and collected first.

 

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 

 

You're right, I'm going to be f*cking better off without this anchor.