Apart and shaken

[Gunny376]

Things that make you want to say hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?

 

Sounds good lupa!

 

But in so long as you post here?

 

You know I'm going to keep you 'grounded' and 'real'

 

With that said?

 

Your "Cleared for Go!" Major Tom!

[tojaz]

I think you're right. I want to do this the right way, I don't want to substitute her into place for what is gone...

 

They are such different people, though, that it would be tough to just swap one out for the other, so that is a good thing, too. God, this timing couldn't be any worse, but it is helping with my sanity.

 

Regardless of all this, I am still a spazz.

 

 

Thats what I was waiting to hear my man, CARRY ON!

TOJAZ

[lupa]

Wife called today about some things of financial interest. I let it go to vmail, because I was actually on the other line.

 

She mentioned she went by the house today to pick up some clothes. I guess it was a good thing I cleaned up the wine glasses/bottle out of the bedroom this morning...and other evidence.

 

So, because she had blown me off for a while about things, I'm wondering if I even respond today or not. Thoughts?

[LisaUk]

Make her wait, let her call again before you reply! I think it's a b*****y shame the evidence wasn't still there, would have served her right.

[tojaz]

She mentioned she went by the house today to pick up some clothes. I guess it was a good thing I cleaned up the wine glasses/bottle out of the bedroom this morning...and other evidence.

 

So, because she had blown me off for a while about things, I'm wondering if I even respond today or not. Thoughts?

 

Make her wait, let her call again before you reply! I think it's a b*****y shame the evidence wasn't still there, would have served her right.

 

Agreed, what are you worried about Lupa?

I'd let her stew for a bit!

TOJAZ

[phineas]

Wife called today about some things of financial interest. I let it go to vmail, because I was actually on the other line.

 

She mentioned she went by the house today to pick up some clothes. I guess it was a good thing I cleaned up the wine glasses/bottle out of the bedroom this morning...and other evidence.

 

So, because she had blown me off for a while about things, I'm wondering if I even respond today or not. Thoughts?

 

You really need to change those locks or have her get her crap out all at once.

 

Mine is still dragging her feet on getting her crap out.

She has a pile of stuff i'm just going to bag up & take to her this week.

I was going to do it last week but it rained all week & I didn't feel like getting wet.

[lupa]

You really need to change those locks or have her get her crap out all at once.

 

Mine is still dragging her feet on getting her crap out.

She has a pile of stuff i'm just going to bag up & take to her this week.

I was going to do it last week but it rained all week & I didn't feel like getting wet.

Well, I have a problem there...if I'm going to sell the house, I want to have it fully decorated, so a lot of the physical "stuff" has to stay. Clothes should totally be gone, I just haven't brought myself to bagging them up. I'm still very overwhelmed.

 

The ex gf is rapidly becoming a gf. She called me last night, invited me to stay over her place before she left for vacation. I probably shouldn't have, but I went. We have such a great time together (physically it is amazing), but i'm always overcome with an immense sadness. We cuddle and it feels right, we kiss and it feels right. I can't drink her in fast enough...but I know I'm also withholding right now because I have to.

 

it leaves me feeling so confused and exhausted. I just can't figure out how to let go -- let go of the marriage, let go of the woman who ran away, let go of this former life.

 

I find myself timing how long it took for me to get to work from her apartment. I find myself doing calculations in my head of all the mileage I'm about to put on my car.

 

...and then i find myself lamenting that mere months ago I was looking forward to having children.

 

Yes, I know I'm not over my wife. I posted somewhere here recently that I don't think I'll ever be over my wife. I don't think i'll ever be able to fully get her out of my heart. The ex gf asked why I got married...just in conversation, I think, but also because she wants to know where I am. I responded something like, "Because she is smart, funny, attractive, a person who is a go-getter or at least I thought until she started this pattern of quitting everything that didn't go 100%, and I thought we would make a team for the rest of our lives. I was ready to slow down a little in my life, but I'll say this...I had no idea marriage was work. Not in a bad way, but you cannot take it for granted, or you end up with a roommate." I ended up with a roommate, or at least I wasn't doing the things that at one point made her feel special. In my defense, she wasn't either.

 

I said to the ex gf, "The people who last 50 yrs...they figured it out along the way, probably by chance, that you have to do the little things regardless of your own mood that day. The quick kiss for no reason, the random foot massage..."

 

She asked why we didn't have children, and I told her we were trying. "Oh," and then silence.

 

Sometimes I'm wondering if she's sizing me up about the long term.

 

A little later she apologized for complicating my life, and I told her I wouldn't want it any other way. We talked about having time, not needing to rush anything.

 

And still i'm overcome with an incredible sense of loss and guilt. I don't know why, I just can't seem to let go. This is why I don't think this is rebound -- I think I'm the one holding back from just sliding it all into place. She could be, there is no doubt about it, but I'm trying to keep the brakes on it a little for a while.

 

I wish this all never happened, but I am thankful that I have this chance to learn and grow.

 

. . .

[hopesndreams]

Yes, I know I'm not over my wife. I posted somewhere here recently that I don't think I'll ever be over my wife. I don't think i'll ever be able to fully get her out of my heart.

 

That right there tells me this gf of yours is just filling a void. What a shame, for her and for you. Unless you can give yourself fully, give all your heart, this will just lead into more pain on top of the pain you already have and in that happening, you are hurting another.

 

Go NC with the W if you really want it to work with this new woman. Keep W out of your house and have those wine glasses and messed up bed, and the "evidence" of her existence out in the open. Have your new gf top priority in your life, put her 1st, coz if you don't...she will go bye bye. Don't take too long to decide this. You need to make a choice.

[lupa]

I disagree -- I made a promise to love my wife unconditionally forever. That sort of thing just doesn't go away overnight...it will take time, and I'm sure there will always be a spot in my heart for her. Maybe this is dumb of me, but that is just the way I feel. I would think a rebound relationship would be more like, "I'm over the wife (even though I'm not) and I love this new girl!" Kinda like just replacing one with the next.

 

If anything, our recognition of the passion and speed with which we could move, and our admission that we should try to move slowly and in a measured way, is indication to me that I am aware of the rebound potential.

 

It doesn't feel like a rebound, it feels like I am aware my head is all gummed up, and at least I'm being honest with myself.

 

Maybe that is what I'm trying to say -- a rebound would be me not admitting, or being aware, of how I feel towards my wife, my marriage, and this new woman. A rebound would be denying the truth to chase a new reality.

 

Simply put, when the ex gf and I are together, I am completely taken with raw emotion and passion, but in the back of my head is a lingering sadness. I want to be able to accept that sadness and then become a stronger person in the next life.

 

 

...I don't want to insult anyone who has actually lost a spouse to death, but in a lot of ways I kind of feel the grief and pain in a way I think someone dealing with death would. A longing, a yearning, and a melancholy that pervades even the happy times. I hope I'm not exaggerating my feelings (I don't think I am), but I kind of have to deal with this like a death...the death of a marriage, of a living, breathing thing.

 

Rebounding would be ignoring that and not dealing with it.

 

I find myself getting lost in the ex gf when we are together, but getting snapped back to my existing reality. She can sense it, and we've talked a little about it. I just want to do right by her, so I think being honest is the best way to go.

 

 

I'm so exhausted.

[hopesndreams]

I would think a rebound relationship would be more like, "I'm over the wife (even though I'm not) and I love this new girl!" Kinda like just replacing one with the next.

 

Are you 100% sure this doesn't apply to you?

[lupa]

I don't know if I could say I have 100% certainty about anything in my life right now. This ex gf and I have had 15 yrs of on/off history, and I had very much fallen for her 7 years ago the last time we were together. She was in a messed up relationship, and we couldn't work out at the time...but she even said it last night, that she thought about me a lot over the years. I laughed and told her every time I saw the car she drove, I'd check to see if it were her behind the wheel. That is the truth, even married I would wonder what she was up to.

 

I can tell you that I don't love her right now. I do/did love my wife, but I could see myself in love with the ex at some point because I saw myself having those same feelings already in my life.

 

I kind of hold onto the definition of "rebound" as being oblivious to the truth and blasting headlong into something that is a disaster. I think right now I am aware of the truth and I'm blasting headlong into something that could be a disaster...but handled deftly and lovingly could be something beautiful. We just have to take our time.

[hopesndreams]

I had very much fallen for her 7 years ago the last time we were together. She was in a messed up relationship, and we couldn't work out at the time..

 

At one time you were her OM and she cheated on her bf with you. I had read this once b4 but didn't say anything.

 

I think right now I am aware of the truth and I'm blasting headlong into something that could be a disaster...but handled deftly and lovingly could be something beautiful. We just have to take our time.

 

That statement confuses me.

[lupa]

 

At one time you were her OM and she cheated on her bf with you. I had read this once b4 but didn't say anything.

Well, sort of. They had broken up (this was common knowledge and then confirmed by her friends) but he wasn't fully out of the picture, kind of lingering. We weren't sneaking around back then, ie, we went to all the standard hang-outs where we would be seen by people, friends, him...so cheating isn't what I'd call it. A rough breakup between a possessive guy and confused woman with me complicating matters is more like.

I think right now I am aware of the truth and I'm blasting headlong into something that could be a disaster...but handled deftly and lovingly could be something beautiful. We just have to take our time.

 

That statement confuses me.

I mean I am aware that this could rapidly become a big thing, and very much could enter that rebound territory, which would be a disaster. Instead, if we handle this well, take our time, stay honest about feelings and where we are (like me admitting that I am upset about getting divorced, not just throwing a 'good face' on it and saying I'm fine and I want out), it could turn into something much bigger.

 

Just...slowly...over time. That is what I have to focus on.

[hopesndreams]

Moving slowly would have involved not rushing into a sexual relationship, IMO. This new relationship is not moving slowly from what I have read, it is moving full steam ahead, the only thing is, there are 3 of you in this relationship. One has to go. Chit chatting about the W to your gf will not endear yourself to her. At first, yes, she will be understanding and help you along to cope, but it will wear thin, and fast.

[lupa]

Moving slowly would have involved not rushing into a sexual relationship, IMO. This new relationship is not moving slowly from what I have read, it is moving full steam ahead, the only thing is, there are 3 of you in this relationship. One has to go. Chit chatting about the W to your gf will not endear yourself to her. At first, yes, she will be understanding and help you along to cope, but it will wear thin, and fast.

that is true, but she is asking, and I'm going to be honest.

 

I almost feel like rushing into something is going to be limited by distance, and I'm going to make a conscious effort to not call every night to make it a habit, to not exclusively plan weekends/times out around her.

 

I don't know where we are...it all feels so familiar because we've been here once before, and that CERTAINLY makes this more complicated on its own.

 

To be honest, I don't know what I'd do if tomorrow my wife said, "I want to go to marriage counseling." My head would tell me one thing, my heart would tell me the opposite. The good news is that I see that as a .0000001% chance.

 

Does that make what I'm doing a rebound? I don't know. Does having a history mean it ISN'T a rebound? I really, honest to god, do not know.

 

I don't want it to be that, so I guess all I can do is try. (If that makes any sense at all).

[hopesndreams]

To be honest, I don't know what I'd do if tomorrow my wife said, "I want to go to marriage counseling." My head would tell me one thing, my heart would tell me the opposite. The good news is that I see that as a .0000001% chance.

 

You need to accept she is not coming back to you. You haven't done that yet. Your feelings for your gf will not blossom until such time you accept, 0% chance of getting back with your wife. Otherwise, it wilts and dies, eventually. What's the point of being with someone unless you can see a future with them? It's just killing time.

[lupa]

To be honest, I don't know what I'd do if tomorrow my wife said, "I want to go to marriage counseling." My head would tell me one thing, my heart would tell me the opposite. The good news is that I see that as a .0000001% chance.

 

You need to accept she is not coming back to you. You haven't done that yet. Your feelings for your gf will not blossom until such time you accept, 0% chance of getting back with your wife. Otherwise, it wilts and dies, eventually. What's the point of being with someone unless you can see a future with them? It's just killing time.

that's why I've said here that this whole experience is awesome and terrible and crazy all at the same time.

 

My ego is boosted, my heart given hope, but I'm still crushed under this unbearable weight. I know it, and I think that's what I'm trying to convey to you. I know I'm still carrying a burden, but really, it is mine alone to bear. I think that is why I keep emphasizing the time aspect...the divorce will take time to sort out, the new relationship will take time to start up.

 

I just know I like her, and I've liked her since I was 15. I cannot say if that means this is a rebound or not. I can tell you that I think this is why I've been overcome with emotion lately.

 

I guess this is life, I guess this is filling the cup to its fullest and drinking deep.

[LisaUk]

It is like a death Lupa, except the corpse is up and walking about. The longing, the ache for them does subside, I still get it sometimes but not often now. I think complete NC helps, when you are seeing and talking to the person you are longing for, it keeps it raw.

 

Get her personal stuff out of the house, bag it up if necessary and take it to her, or better still, tell her it's in the front garden, swing by and get it. Tell her if she has something to discuss about buisness to file and do it through a lawyer as you are done with this s**t.

 

There is nothing you can do to get your w to understand how you feel, why she hasn't filed yet I do not know, but you have to show you are done, there is nothing more to be said to each other. Bringing your GF out into the open should hammer this message home to her also. Enough is enough, start putting yourself first.

[MrMayI]

It is like a death Lupa, except the corpse is up and walking about. The longing, the ache for them does subside, I still get it sometimes but not often now. I think complete NC helps, when you are seeing and talking to the person you are longing for, it keeps it raw.

 

Get her personal stuff out of the house, bag it up if necessary and take it to her, or better still, tell her it's in the front garden, swing by and get it. Tell her if she has something to discuss about buisness to file and do it through a lawyer as you are done with this s**t.

 

There is nothing you can do to get your w to understand how you feel, why she hasn't filed yet I do not know, but you have to show you are done, there is nothing more to be said to each other. Bringing your GF out into the open should hammer this message home to her also. Enough is enough, start putting yourself first.

 

lisa, i just have to say that i love your tough advice that's given these days. you truly do get it! NC has done wonders for you, and the absorption of everyone's advice.

 

lupa, i say you take the point out of that chance percentage. i myself have accepted the absolute zero chance my wife and i will reconcile. it just won't happen. admittedly, i wonder if she feels any inkling of a chance, but then i have to think if she does, she for damn sure isn't letting me in on it, so **** her.

[tojaz]

To be honest, I don't know what I'd do if tomorrow my wife said, "I want to go to marriage counseling." My head would tell me one thing, my heart would tell me the opposite. The good news is that I see that as a .0000001% chance.

 

Does that make what I'm doing a rebound? I don't know. Does having a history mean it ISN'T a rebound? I really, honest to god, do not know.

 

I don't want it to be that, so I guess all I can do is try. (If that makes any sense at all).

 

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/romanceafterdivorce/p/reboundrelation.htm

 

Lupa,

This is a rebound, by simple definition. Like I said before, that dosen't mean it can't blossom into something more! I think what H&D is getting at is exactly what is demonstrated in the quote above. The merits of this relationship cannot be hinged on the odds of your wife having an epiphany. It has to be based on the fact that if your wife knocks on the door tomorrow with her bags, your going to tell her you've moved on to better things. Until that is true in your head and your heart, this is rebound and will continue to be so until that is the case.

TOJAZ

[lupa]

I'm not arguing with you folks to be difficult, I just feel like there is an important caveat to point out -- I've had some level of feelings for this woman twice before in my life (albeit I was young the first time), and this isn't like rushing headlong into uncharted territory to hide my pain.

 

This is more like I've rediscovered something that I was vaguely aware I knew of, like something on the edge of a dark and foggy dream that you can't really make out because everything is so muddled but you know it is there.

 

The speed with which we could be (read: are) pursuing this is too fast, but now we get a break. Two weeks off, and I have a feeling those two weeks will bring a lot of developments in my world.

 

Yes, this could be a rebound, but not necessarily in the strictest sense...that is why I'm so overwhelmed by it all.

 

She is something I wanted once in my life, and now she is there...we are there again.

 

It is crazy.

[tojaz]

I'm not arguing with you folks to be difficult, I just feel like there is an important caveat to point out -- I've had some level of feelings for this woman twice before in my life (albeit I was young the first time), and this isn't like rushing headlong into uncharted territory to hide my pain.

 

This is more like I've rediscovered something that I was vaguely aware I knew of, like something on the edge of a dark and foggy dream that you can't really make out because everything is so muddled but you know it is there.

 

The speed with which we could be (read: are) pursuing this is too fast, but now we get a break. Two weeks off, and I have a feeling those two weeks will bring a lot of developments in my world.

 

Yes, this could be a rebound, but not necessarily in the strictest sense...that is why I'm so overwhelmed by it all.

 

She is something I wanted once in my life, and now she is there...we are there again.

 

It is crazy.

Don't misunderstand me bud. I'm not saying that whats between you isn't as real as the sun rising in the morning. She may very well be "the ONE", soulmate, however you want to call it. It is the dynamic between the three of you. I make an error by calling this a rebound relationship, lets say that there are rebound effects at play in this relationship. I think that is what everyone is trying to warn you of. The dynamic and situation between you and your wife can hinder your relationship between you and the GF from becoming what you want it to be despite your best intentions.

 

 

 

Taken out of context that last sentence is terrible!! LOL

 

The dynamic and situation between you and your wife can hinder your relationship between you and the GF from becoming what you want it to be despite your best intentions.:confused:

 

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

lisa, i just have to say that i love your tough advice that's given these days. you truly do get it! NC has done wonders for you, and the absorption of everyone's advice.

 

I hope I'm not too tough! Everyone's advice has helped me so much. NC truely does work wonders, I still have my moments though!

[Billy Bob]

What's wrong with rebounds? They are usually fairly short term.. Both parties have a lot of fun.. then it ends and one party may or may not have a broken heart.. That's life. That is also a fall-out of dating.. but you don't learn unless you try..

 

Go for it!

[WTFO]

What's wrong with rebounds? They are usually fairly short term.. Both parties have a lot of fun.. then it ends and one party may or may not have a broken heart.. That's life. That is also a fall-out of dating.. but you don't learn unless you try..

 

Go for it!

 

 

I agree. On one condition. Give the new/old Ex/gf 110% of your heart. The STBX HAS to be a thing of the past. I know the sex is great and you have a past together with this gal,but I think it's a mistake to take on this new/old relationship without ending the other one all together...be careful bro.