Apart and shaken

[2.50 a gallon]

lupa

 

Several of the posters on this board wonder when will the hurting end and when will the healing begin

 

From my personal expereince it went through several phases.

 

There were several factors, but the one that stands out was sex

 

My case was different from yours in that it involved me kicking her out when I caught her with the OM and she moved in with him. So I was stuck with the images of what she was doing with him. At first for a short time this left me unable to perform in most cases

 

Then I reached the stage where I think you are at. The after glow was nothing but pure guilt. It mattered not that she had cheated, which in my mind meant that we were divorced, however the reality was I had taken those vows, and she still had her hooks in me.

 

As to when the healing began, it was when I no longer felt guilty about having sex with someone other than my wife. I am not sure when or which girl friend it was, in fact I did not even think about it at the time, it just happened and I had moved on

[2.50 a gallon]

lupa

 

You might be waiting a long time for her to file. I think I was actually married somewhere more than five years. Like you I told her to file and I would sign, I saw no need for me to go to the expense. It was sort of you take the high road and I'll, take the low road.

 

For years I would get B-day cards, I'm thinking of you cards, and XMAS presents. Odd thing is when she filed, it was one of those he abandoned me and I don't know where he is living ads in the paper. I never saw it and wouldn't have responded if I did. I defaulted and found out about a dozen years later

 

As to rebounds, my current GF had only broken it off from her XBF about 2 months prior to our first date. I was supposed to be a ONS and we are coming up on 14 years.

[lupa]

Oh I don't know how long it is going to take her. Evidently she changed her facebook status to unmarried or something (I don't check it, a girlfriend of a friend told me)...I'm stuck on the oath part, really. I'm stuck on the part where I made it a part of who I am, this oath, this pledge forever.

 

If you pledge yourself to a person that quits, do you still have a pledge? I think the answer is no.

 

...but that doesn't change the fact that it hurts.

 

 

As for letting the ex gf back in, I think she is already there. The trick is to not go so fast into something that is incredibly passionate that we flame out. I want to approach this as the old bull (remember him?) who takes his time, knowing that things can come to him.

 

The ex did mention, in a roundabout way, that I seem a little...different...this time around. Not in a bad way or anything, but in a way that makes her wonder what is going through my head. I don't know how to put this into words, but i think she knows that I'm not blasting full steam ahead like in the past, and it has given her pause.

 

I want to let her in, I do. I just want to do it on terms that don't let us go too crazy overboard.

 

She is on her vacation, and we texted just a bit yesterday while she was on her way. I'll give her a quick call tonight, just to say hey, get off the phone. Keep it light, keep it high level. Laugh, chat, done.

 

Then I'll go about my business of divorcing.

 

that will be fun.

 

[TrustInYourself]

You need to be careful that you are ready for another relationship.

 

You sound to me, like someone still carrying a ton of emotional baggage. It's one thing to spend time with someone you care about and another to totally rely on another person to bring you out of despair and emotional suffering.

 

It's important to get out there and meet new people, but you want to balance that while getting over your marriage. This is a difficult time, I know. Take care.

[lupa]

You need to be careful that you are ready for another relationship.

 

You sound to me, like someone still carrying a ton of emotional baggage. It's one thing to spend time with someone you care about and another to totally rely on another person to bring you out of despair and emotional suffering.

 

It's important to get out there and meet new people, but you want to balance that while getting over your marriage. This is a difficult time, I know. Take care.

Well, you are right...but I don't think I'm going to rely on her to take me out of the despair part. I think maybe that is what she sees right now, that I'm not hiding, denying, suppressing this sadness. I think I have to go through it, and maybe she'll just be there during it, you know?

 

When we are together we have such happiness, but she can sense in me something else. I think being honest with her that I am upset is the only way to proceed, though I most certainly don't want to make it the topic of conversation all the time.

 

I don't remember if I mentioned this on here or not, but she did kinda ask me at one point if a person could "ever mean it the same way the second time around." I told her I didn't know, but that I hoped so.

 

What a thing to think about.

 

I think maybe someday it would be possible, but then again this is a part of me that I have to let die and leave behind. Maybe you just never get that back, I don't know.

 

She has been asking me some questions that, when looked at alone, or in the way they are asked, nothing stands out. But taken in aggregate, it is almost like she is feeling out if marriage is possible. Not like today or anything, but I think she is trying to figure out how badly I'm damaged...I think she is understanding that I'm going through a lot, and none of it can be skipped.

 

I don't know.

 

I just know I like her, and I like being around her. I think that is good enough for now.

[LisaUk]

 

Then I'll go about my business of divorcing.

 

that will be fun.

 

 

:laugh::laugh:

 

Lupa, I think all the marriage questions form the gf are partly b/c she wants to know how serious you took your vows, partly b/c she wants to know if you are over your w and partly b/c she would probably very much like to get married someday (not necessarily to you) but she is checking to see if this whole mess has put you off for life!

 

Re the vows, your w quit, you can't keep vows to somebody if they won't let you! I know you're not religious, but PW put it well, "it's between her and God now". Same applys here, if you see what I mean.

 

Re the GF, just enjoy yourself, as long as you are honest with her, she knows the score here, it's up to her to decide if this is rebound etc. With regards to you though, be careful, slow, you still have feelings for your w and without knowing it you could be transferring some of those onto the GF.

[lupa]

:laugh::laugh:

 

Lupa, I think all the marriage questions form the gf are partly b/c she wants to know how serious you took your vows, partly b/c she wants to know if you are over your w and partly b/c she would probably very much like to get married someday (not necessarily to you) but she is checking to see if this whole mess has put you off for life!

Yeah, I'm getting that feeling...I think she is trying to figure out how badly I am damaged from this whole thing. She asked me if I was upset and I answered honestly -- I am very upset by this whole matter, because I took it more seriously than anything else I've ever done. I don't think I'm damaged, but I think I need her to understand (and everyone here) that I have to go through the pain and sadness. If I skip it, I will never heal...and if anything, she should think that is a good thing.

 

 

Re the vows, your w quit, you can't keep vows to somebody if they won't let you! I know you're not religious, but PW put it well, "it's between her and God now". Same applys here, if you see what I mean.

Doesn't make it hurt any less, though. I said something like this before here...I have to deconstruct this world I built, block by block, piece by piece. I'm finding that the top levels were easy enough, but now we're getting to the real root, the foundation, and each piece is like ripping off a chunk of my soul.

 

Re the GF, just enjoy yourself, as long as you are honest with her, she knows the score here, it's up to her to decide if this is rebound etc. With regards to you though, be careful, slow, you still have feelings for your w and without knowing it you could be transferring some of those onto the GF.

I don't think I am transferring...they are such different people. It is like my wife always wanted to be the "princess", but she has insecurity, and the ex goes for what she wants and is a much stronger person. She is independent...and she'll let you know it.

 

Oh, this is just so freaking exhausting.

[MrMayI]

 

Doesn't make it hurt any less, though. I said something like this before here...I have to deconstruct this world I built, block by block, piece by piece. I'm finding that the top levels were easy enough, but now we're getting to the real root, the foundation, and each piece is like ripping off a chunk of my soul.

 

 

 

Oh, this is just so freaking exhausting.

 

this quote really hits home with me. i'm down and out right now.

[LisaUk]

You're right you def have to grieve. If you don't it will come back and bite you on the b*m later!

 

I know it hurts Lupa...

[lupa]

You're right you def have to grieve. If you don't it will come back and bite you on the b*m later!

 

I know it hurts Lupa...

This is why I don't think of the ex as a rebound, really. I'm not hiding from the pain...

[LisaUk]

This is why I don't think of the ex as a rebound, really. I'm not hiding from the pain...

 

That's a very good point.

[lupa]

You know, I just cut the grass, and the whole time I yelled at my wife in my head. I'm taking care of this place that I didn't even want and she lives at her parents' house. Good freaking job.

 

I hope she feels hollow inside, like that she is a quitter, because guess what? She is a quitter.

[tojaz]

You know, I just cut the grass, and the whole time I yelled at my wife in my head. I'm taking care of this place that I didn't even want and she lives at her parents' house. Good freaking job.

 

I hope she feels hollow inside, like that she is a quitter, because guess what? She is a quitter.

Print that on a T-shirt bud, I'm an XL! Keep that thought in your head.

I love her...........but she quit

I miss her..........but she quit

I would have done anything for her..........but she quit

I think it was on MayI's thread, I told him what I've been telling people about us. I WAS MARRIED, SHE WASN'T!!

TOJAZ

[lupa]

Print that on a T-shirt bud, I'm an XL! Keep that thought in your head.

I love her...........but she quit

I miss her..........but she quit

I would have done anything for her..........but she quit

I think it was on MayI's thread, I told him what I've been telling people about us. I WAS MARRIED, SHE WASN'T!!

TOJAZ

I was going to be married forever. She...wasn't.

 

 

 

The ex texted me some nicely suggestive messages over the last two days. We haven't spoken on the phone yet, and I'm going to keep it that way, I think, but geez...this is that first passionate flirty stage.

 

I wonder how to make it last...a long time...

[lupa]

More nice/sweet/sexy texts from the ex...I'm loving every minute of this.

 

 

So, somehow I have to tell my brain to forget about the wife. Maybe it is time I got some paperwork in order. Maybe I have to take the lead.

 

 

...flight of fancy? Real deal? Am I just drunk on the new relationship? Am I just drunk?

 

Probably a little, I like tequila.

 

But that is a side note. Even if it costs me more money...is it a good thing to take control? Will it make it my choice? Will it let me move the hell on?

[tojaz]

More nice/sweet/sexy texts from the ex...I'm loving every minute of this.

 

 

So, somehow I have to tell my brain to forget about the wife. Maybe it is time I got some paperwork in order. Maybe I have to take the lead.

 

 

...flight of fancy? Real deal? Am I just drunk on the new relationship? Am I just drunk?

 

Probably a little, I like tequila.

 

But that is a side note. Even if it costs me more money...is it a good thing to take control? Will it make it my choice? Will it let me move the hell on?

Well, I am drunk!, so take this for what it's worth. Im here on the otherside, and it aint much better. Even when it's over, it aint over! Having the papers, and the signatures and packing her things dosent make it any easier. i just wrote her the last words I'll probably ever give her. Yet it's still not over for me. Nothing you do is going to end it, until you want to end it in your heart. Aparently, I'm not ready yet.:o:o

TOJAZ

[lupa]

Well, I am drunk!, so take this for what it's worth. Im here on the otherside, and it aint much better. Even when it's over, it aint over! Having the papers, and the signatures and packing her things dosent make it any easier. i just wrote her the last words I'll probably ever give her. Yet it's still not over for me. Nothing you do is going to end it, until you want to end it in your heart. Aparently, I'm not ready yet.:o:o

TOJAZ

I've said this recently here, toj...I'm never going to be able to fully let her go. This woman will always have a place in my heart.

 

I think instead of leaving it all behind, forgetting it, "moving on", what I'm going to do is just work on making my heart that much bigger so that when I'm ready for the next woman, I let her have so much of it, that the part that is stuck on my wife is minuscule in comparison.

 

We have to grow from this, and I think we can.

[Gunny376]

Hate to be the one to break it to you?

 

But there are certain things your going to go through in Life, that your going to carry around with you for the rest of your Life.

 

This is one of them!

 

Its called PTSD ~ Some are better off than others ~ others are worse off than others.

 

There's also 'insitionalized ' ~ mine is of a different kind ~ but there's such a thing as being instionalized by marrigage. (Sorry I know I spelled it wrong)

 

Forever more you will forever be changed and never the same!

 

Forever more? Your life will be forever more be changed!

 

To quote Hollyweird ~ "Damn Dog!"

[lupa]

Its called PTSD ~ Some are better off than others ~ others are worse off than others.

I have no doubt I had some form of post-traumatic stress for about the first 8-10 weeks of this. I couldn't think about it without "re-living" it...my heart rate would go up, I'd get a crushing feeling in my chest. It was awful, and it really kept me from handling myself well. Maybe had I not gone through that, I would be on a different path.

 

But know this -- I probably would not have learned such valuable lessons about my friends, my family, and myself. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and i never wanted to go through it, but like people have been telling me from day one, things are getting better, and I am getting stronger.

 

It is just amazing at how low I got, and how far I've come to this point...and how far there is yet to go.

 

I truly don't think my wife has gone through any of this, and I think she has built up a wall around herself to not deal with anything. Maybe she can just pick up and move on with her life, but she won't have changed like I have...and I think the problem will still be there for her. Maybe not, maybe she is where she wants to be. I just don't know any more.

 

I find myself coming to a point where I have to make a decision...do I let the ex in? Do I give her a piece of me?

 

This is way fast, and I want to keep it moving slowly, but somewhere in me I now feel like there is a gatekeeper...I never had that feeling before. I had never protected myself, I just let it happen. Now, I'm...well...I'm looking at this from a different point of view.

 

So strange, so different.

 

So sad.

 

I hope I'm better off for it.

[TrustInYourself]

You are not damaged goods. You are better for the experience. Grow from this. This is a chance to right all the wrongs. This is a second chance for you to do things right. Do not take that for granted, bud.

 

As far as her feelings, she is most likely oblivious to anything or anyone else. Right now she's moving full steam ahead with her new life and if you want to keep your sanity, you should start taking actions that help you come to terms with everything.

[Chrome Barracuda]

LUPA dont wait 4 years to file like MWC. if you want to move on then do so the right way, why are you procrasinating! Good lord you cant afford 500$?

[TrustInYourself]

LUPA dont wait 4 years to file like MWC. if you want to move on then do so the right way, why are you procrasinating! Good lord you cant afford 500$?

 

Punch it and get the fudge out of there like Luke Skywalker from an exploding Death Star. I'll be your Han Solo. Blow this motherfuc*er and let's get out of here.

 

Take control of your life like you have a pair of gonads that outweigh your brain and heart. This is the power of manliness. Use it, big boy.

[lupa]

You are not damaged goods. You are better for the experience. Grow from this. This is a chance to right all the wrongs. This is a second chance for you to do things right. Do not take that for granted, bud.

 

As far as her feelings, she is most likely oblivious to anything or anyone else. Right now she's moving full steam ahead with her new life and if you want to keep your sanity, you should start taking actions that help you come to terms with everything.

yeah...I think she just put the blinders on and has convinced herself she is happier now, even though there is nothing to be happy about.

 

LUPA dont wait 4 years to file like MWC. if you want to move on then do so the right way, why are you procrasinating! Good lord you cant afford 500$?

If I take action, my lawyer advised me the courts will award her more money...like A LOT more money, because she is unemployed. The second she gets a job, I file, there is no question about that.

 

However, if she is the one that files, most of that goes out the window and we just split assets. The longer she waits, per PA's "equitable distribution" rules, the better off I am, because each month that passes with her on unemployment is one month more where she isn't really contributing to the total.

 

Basically, I'd just have to suck it up and pay her to get out of my life if that is what I want to happen. Think about that...pay her more to go on my terms, pay her less to go on hers.

 

I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO FREAKING PAY HER AT ALL, SHE IS THE ONE WHO QUIT.

 

This is so stupid.

 

The longer I think on this, the more I am convinced it is time to let the ex gf into my life and my heart.

 

GAH!

[TrustInYourself]

I would pay her. I mean, seriously it's just money. Besides, it's going to be easier on the heart to just cut her loose than allow her to fester and play mind games with you.

 

I mean you are going to rationalize it however you want. Eventually, things are going to come to a head and you're going to have to deal with the bs of her trying to get paid. If you are emotionally ready, I'd be more proactive. Hell, offer her a lump sum payment lol.

[Chrome Barracuda]

yeah...I think she just put the blinders on and has convinced herself she is happier now, even though there is nothing to be happy about.

 

 

If I take action, my lawyer advised me the courts will award her more money...like A LOT more money, because she is unemployed. The second she gets a job, I file, there is no question about that.

 

However, if she is the one that files, most of that goes out the window and we just split assets. The longer she waits, per PA's "equitable distribution" rules, the better off I am, because each month that passes with her on unemployment is one month more where she isn't really contributing to the total.

 

Basically, I'd just have to suck it up and pay her to get out of my life if that is what I want to happen. Think about that...pay her more to go on my terms, pay her less to go on hers.

 

I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO FREAKING PAY HER AT ALL, SHE IS THE ONE WHO QUIT.

 

This is so stupid.

 

The longer I think on this, the more I am convinced it is time to let the ex gf into my life and my heart.

 

GAH!

 

No lupa! dont be serious with this woman until you finally file! your wife will continue to cake eat as long as you stay still! the fact remains that you have to take action. You have to bite the bullet on this one. It's not fair to you, your family, or your current love interest for you to be a married man dating her. Do things the right way, file for divorce. No matter how much she gets it's worth your self respect and your mental facility.

 

Men who have did everything right has had to sacrifise alot to get out of a bad marriage, that the other spouse destroyed. All you need is one last sacrifise. I know you dont want to pay her alimony but there must be a way to pay her short term alimony, a reasonable decision.