Apart and shaken

[lupa]

No lupa! dont be serious with this woman until you finally file! your wife will continue to cake eat as long as you stay still! the fact remains that you have to take action. You have to bite the bullet on this one. It's not fair to you, your family, or your current love interest for you to be a married man dating her. Do things the right way, file for divorce. No matter how much she gets it's worth your self respect and your mental facility.

 

Men who have did everything right has had to sacrifise alot to get out of a bad marriage, that the other spouse destroyed. All you need is one last sacrifise. I know you dont want to pay her alimony but there must be a way to pay her short term alimony, a reasonable decision.

Can I just hit her with a truck, instead?

[TrustInYourself]

Why bother? Take the high road bro, even though I know you are joking, lol.

[Chrome Barracuda]

LOL@the truck.

 

In a perfect world a cheating spouse would not receive alimony. but you know what in the end your better off. She needs a job. maybe there's a way for her to be forced to get one. I hope she's moved out and you arent paying for anything.

[lupa]

Nope, not really paying for anything at all. As a matter of fact, I'm taking a portion (small) of her unemployment to cover bills as each round happens. If she thinks she is getting 33-40% of my assets, her ass is paying 33-40% of the shared household bills, but it really has only been about 20% when you do the math. I'm in it for the symbolism more than the actuall % right now.

 

Her lawyer told her to not pay a thing, but I showed her what I'm doing and she said ok. Her lawyer said she gets half, I showed her the statute that actually 100% contradicts that. her lawyer said she shouldn't be speaking to me about anything, and I said I'm not forcing you to sign a damned thing, we can talk like we're adults, your lawyer just wants to pad her hours.

 

I haven't responded to two requests she gave me this week -- one for divorce info, one to check for a DVD -- to test her urgency. She hasn't said a damned thing since, so I know she is dragging her feet now.

 

I'm going to have to buckle down and do some things over the next few days, but I have some family coming in from out of town this weekend, and I'm traveling for a golf event tonight and tomorrow. I'll push it off for a few days, I guess.

[2.50 a gallon]

lupa

 

Trust your attorney. In my youth I worked for the court system, the horrors that I saw put me off on getting married. With out proper representation you can be taken to the cleaners. That was one of the reasons that I left the divorce filing to my XW. As you stated, by my filing I would have been putting my head on the chopping block, even though we had no children.

[LisaUk]

Lupa

 

Always listen to your lawyer (said the new law student!). Seriously though, I had to go through this with the separation agreement with the ex. My solicitor wanted full finacial disclosure, me being naive, told her "we don't need that, he wouldn't swindle me", guess what? Turns out he had taken savings out of our joint account a full month before he left! Because my solicitor was so clued up, I got what was mine, but it could have gone the other way, if it wasn't for her!

 

ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR LAWYER.

[lupa]

...and my lawyer told me to not file.

 

 

I've been stressed out all day about this, trying to decide if it is worth it or not to be the one to pull the trigger.

[LisaUk]

Your w is the one who wants out, let her file!

 

I know you want an end to this, but why do the dirty work for her? She wants out, let her file.

 

Read PW thread, he waited for his xw to file b/c of religous reasons, he waited a long time, but in the end, he was glad he did. He had a GF (still has) by the time she finally filed.

 

You can D from her emotionally, without having to let her "win" by taking you to the cleaners!

[Auroracoladybug]

Lupa I am in the same boat...I don't know if I want to be the one to pull the trigger but at the same time I can't just keep living like this witing for him to get his head back...

[ralph1319]

well im where u are right now.seperated from my wife going on 5 months i know how and what you are feeling.it straight sucks ass.at first i went to counseling to find answers on why this all happend but as i talked and talked more to my counselor our conversation has stopped on focusing on her infact all we started to talk about was me and my past. it has helped me be a stronger person you cant focus on why she left or what you did or not do in your relationship because you will drive yourself crazy.focus on you.yes it will be very very hard i still think of my wife night and day sometimes it hurts so much i just want to cry.it took me a very longtime to do the N/C thing and to be honest i still find myself txting her but not as much i know that will take time.i still have hope on getting back together i just dont throw myself at her anymore as far as begging to take me back im done with that i do find myself saying sorry for something i did if that comes to mind.but i think im getting to that point where i dont want to do that anymore and trust me when i say its not going to be easy it willget harder before it gets easy im still having a hard time. most of all my friends are seperated some the dumper and some the dumped ones and they 1 thing they all say is it does get better and i do feel it. a very little feeling but i do feel it.so work on yourself when all is set and done all you really have is you then every1 comes after... good luck

[Gunny376]

"Can I just hit her with a truck, instead? "

 

Maybe Larry the Cable Guy will loan you his 'Larry-mobile?" :lmao:

 

The solution is simple my friend.

 

Don't make short term decisions that may or will have long term consequences.

 

If your lawyer is telling you not to file, because it will hurt you? Then don't file. Wait for her to file.

 

Sooner or later she will start getting lonely and need to affection and attention of a man, and when she does? She will meet some Joker that she thinks she just can't live without. (Sorry, but by now you know I call them like I see them)

 

When that happens, she can't file face enough. And when she does? You'll get the settlement that is best for you and the future Mrs. Lupa, to to mention the little Lupians.

 

You've got the rest of your life.

 

In so far as the XGF, despite your chemistry and past history? This is probably a 're-bound' or transitionary relationship from your marriage to your future.

 

Even if its not? Its safe to bet and assume that it is. The old ego, id, and super-id will make you do incredibly stupid things when your going through a divorce ~ aka ~ "Crazy Time"

 

There's a difference between being mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually and legally divorced.

 

Right now, via your most current posts all I see is that your physically divorced. Somewhere in the middle when it comes to mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and legally. (Your getting there ~ but you've a ways to go before you get there)

 

 

As I see it? The XGF is but a salve for your soul right now and your bruised ego.

 

 

Per the book titled "Crazy Time" you run the risk of getting mentally, emotionally, physically engaged with this woman, and then once your ego, super-ego, and id have healed ~ you will basically be like ~ "I'm feeling much better now! Thanks! See you around sometime from time to time!

 

Do not underestimate this!

 

You come across to me as a very intelligent, highly educated, 'well-read', well informed individual.

 

As such, day-to-day 'snipes' from other people bounce off of you like bullets bouncing off Superman. I''ve known such people as you in the Marines ~ we as rule call them 'Sir" and Generals. (Not to boost your ego)

 

But every now and again?

 

One gets through and when they 'crash and burn'?

 

They crash and burn hard!

 

Not to say that's you?

 

I'm just saying take it slow, all day slow! As in really slow with the XGF!

 

You don't necessarily have to go through the legal divorce just yet!

 

But you do need to go through the emotional divorce before your fully engage with her.

 

To do that? You need to fully dis-engage with the STBXW.

 

You know you've done that when you can look her eyeball to eyeball and pull a Rhett Butler on her and tell her?

 

"Frankly my dear? I don't give a damn!"

 

Actually?

 

That's the time to divorce?

 

When you truly don't give a damn ~ mentally, emotionally, physically, psychologically, spiritually!

 

When you can say to her?

 

"I don't give a good GD if you go and have sex with the entire team ~ all ninety of them of the Texas A&M Aggies! ~ and the LSU Tigers to boot!"

[WTFO]

 

"i don't give a good gd if you go and have sex with the entire team ~ all ninety of them of the texas a&m aggies! ~ and the lsu tigers to boot!"

 

 

whoooooop!

[lupa]

Yes you guys are right about not being fully divorced emotionally from my wife...here's the crazy thing -- I've talked to the ex gf about this a bit.

 

In an intimate moment after the most "intimate of moments" as we were laying there, we were just talking. Lots of things, but she shifted the conversation to what is going on with me. She asked if I was upset about my divorce and I said yes. She asked why, and I said, "Because I loved her with all my heart." I did say that there is nothing to love about her actions, her as a partner now, but that doesn't mean 7 yrs of relationship just stops...there is an inertia there. There is momentum, but I'm pulling out of it.

 

So, I don't think I'm stringing her along, nor do I think I'm hiding from dealing with the pain. I do, however, agree that this is helping my ego, but at the same time, I very much like the ex. I have for so long...

 

Crazy time? That might be the understatement of the century.

[tojaz]

Yes you guys are right about not being fully divorced emotionally from my wife...here's the crazy thing -- I've talked to the ex gf about this a bit.

 

In an intimate moment after the most "intimate of moments" as we were laying there, we were just talking. Lots of things, but she shifted the conversation to what is going on with me. She asked if I was upset about my divorce and I said yes. She asked why, and I said, "Because I loved her with all my heart." I did say that there is nothing to love about her actions, her as a partner now, but that doesn't mean 7 yrs of relationship just stops...there is an inertia there. There is momentum, but I'm pulling out of it.

 

So, I don't think I'm stringing her along, nor do I think I'm hiding from dealing with the pain. I do, however, agree that this is helping my ego, but at the same time, I very much like the ex. I have for so long...

 

Crazy time? That might be the understatement of the century.

 

You should read the book Lupa, theres a lot of what your asking about in there. I found it a real eye opener.

 

The exgf/currentgf is mighty understanding to be discussing the exwife/currentwife in the sack.:confused: I think I'd duck and dodge that one next time. Thats got TRAP!! written all over it!

TOJAZ

[lupa]

How is that a trap? as in, I really don't understand what you mean..?

 

It felt to me like she was gauging a couple of things -- how damaged I am right now, how honest I am as a person, and if there would be reason to invest in me emotionally.

 

Is that a bad thing?

 

Confused...

[tojaz]

I'm not saying it is, but it could be. I'd be a bit peeved if she started talking about her ex after "THE MOST INTIMATE OF MOMENTS", even if it was relevant to the conversation. Thats just me though. If it was a trap, she might have wanted to see how much you were in the moment. You said you thought she was gauging how damaged you are, Thats was probably a "Lets not talk about her, I'm here with you" moment. Once again, not saying it is, but it sure could have been. Not even .02 worth!

TOJAZ

[hopesndreams]

From a woman's perspective, she asked because she was hoping your response would be "Wife? What wife!?" And then all the other good stuff women love to hear! Her timing though for questioning you about the M, really sux.

 

I wonder why she would be asking at that time? Maybe she is anticipating you will drop her if W is back in the picture, and if that is so, that is quite the sad predicament she has put herself in. You keep saying you are taking things slowly, and that you like her. Just liking isn't enough for what you two are involved in though. There has to be more, otherwise it will fizzle and die. Maybe she is slowly realizing that.

 

My best advice for you, to keep her and to make her feel really good about herself, and feeling positive about the relationship is to just stop talking about the W. There is only so much understanding someone can give in this situation. Turn it around, put yourself in her shoes. Would you honestly not mind her talking about the H all the time and her marriage that crumbled?

[LisaUk]

She asked b/c she wanted to hear "yes, but I am so gald I have met you again!"

 

You were right to be honest though Lupa, but maybe you could have said the above and said what you did later? Just my thoughts as a women.

[lupa]

She asked b/c she wanted to hear "yes, but I am so gald I have met you again!"

 

You were right to be honest though Lupa, but maybe you could have said the above and said what you did later? Just my thoughts as a women.

Well, in relaying the story, I didn't really give those details. Keep in mind, we were laying there, albeit in the buff, for like 45 minutes or so, just talking. This didn't come up for quite some time, and I did say to her that our running into each other was serendipitous, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

I happened to be looking at her, like deep in her eyes, and I kinda blurted out, "Man do I get lost in those beautiful brown eyes. You are..." and then drifted off.

 

I could see her blushing.

 

Like I said, I didn't tell the whole story, and when bringing up stuff about the wife and marriage, she does it in bits in pieces...so I answer. I don't want to say, "I don't want to talk about that" but I do keep my answers brief, to the point, and then I move on.

 

I think she is almost feeling out why I got married, if they were the right reasons, and if this is something she could think about (albeit long term) with me.

 

I dunno.

 

I get so mixed up when I'm around her, in the good way. She has a grip on my soul, and has for a long time. remember I told you guys that I would wonder about this woman, even when I was married.

 

I'm not going to bring up my marriage, as a matter of fact I only ever did once, right after my wife left that evening when we went room by room through the house, dividing possessions. I called the ex and said, "Talk to me about something, anything."

 

She asked why, and I told her that my wife just left, blah blah, and I want to talk about something nice with you. That, I think, is the only time I ever initiated a conversation about the marriage.

 

Notwithstanding, she has been texting me on her trip, and I've written back. Short, nice, sweet. Called her last night to just say her for like 5 minutes, jumped off the phone.

 

I don't want it to feel like "girlfriend" yet, so I'm avoiding doing those things where you stay in touch, know what the other is up to all the time, that sort of thing. I think that is how I'm taking it slow.

 

But my god, in the bedroom -- freaking fireworks!

 

It is truly wonderful.

[LisaUk]

OK, fair enough!

 

Stop bragging about the bedroom please! Some of us have been without now for nearly 6 months, hence Keanu to the left there!!!!!!!! LOL ;)

[tojaz]

OK, fair enough!

 

Stop bragging about the bedroom please! Some of us have been without now for nearly 6 months, hence Keanu to the left there!!!!!!!! LOL ;)

 

I'll second that you lucky ba***rd!!

[lupa]

lol about the bedroom stuff. I have to celebrate somewhere!!

 

 

Completely random -- went out with my cousin who is in town visiting this weekend. I left at like 8 tonight, and just got home a little while ago (1:30). As I was putting leftovers in the fridge from dinner, an egg, a single freaking egg, fell out of nowhere and smashed on the floor.

 

I had purchased a carton of eggs about a week ago at the grocery store, and made myself a 4 egg omelet like the next day. Well, I know for a fact I made a four egg omelet, because the skillet dealie I used fits four eggs perfectly in it to make an omelet. I haven't touched the eggs since. When I pulled the carton out tonight after the one splatted on the floor...there was one conspicuously missing from the corner holder.

 

I ask the crowd -- what in the holy hell was an egg doing OUTSIDE of the carton, resting somewhere on the door where it would jump out and hit the floor when I opened it?

 

To make matters even more confusing, I WAS IN THE FRIDGE MULTIPLE TIMES THIS EVENING BEFORE WE LEFT AT 8:30, GETTING BEERS, CHECKING FOR DRINKS, ETC. There was more than enough opportunity for that random egg to jump out all night long.

 

Conclusion: someone was here. Guess? Wife. Also guess? Wife and friend, because the friend would be the one to do something like that.

 

Or? I'm going insane, and I did it. I really don't recall doing that, and my cousin really just has never been the type...especially given all the "talk" we have been having (he is out of an 18 month relationship as of a few weeks ago, and we're in parallel positions). I don't see him doing that, and he is also like 35 or soemthing.

 

Or maybe there is a ghost who likes to screw with me, but that seems odd.

 

The ex gf could have put an egg somewhere like on monday when she was here, but I would have seen it by now...I've been in and out of there multiple times a day, all week long.

 

I don't know...why does everything have to have a meaning now????

 

GAH!

 

I'm going crazy!!

 

(If it was a practical joke, it was a good one, because I'm all f*cked up now.)

 

I have to change the alarm code...

[Gunny376]

AS a personal rule lupa, I don't discuss previous relationships with women.

 

Its been my experience that when the day comes that they and I have an disagreement/argument? Anything you've said "can and will be used against you!"

 

As a general rule? Most women don't sleep with men that they don't have an emotional commitment ~ granted there are all kinds of exceptions to this rule.

 

This gal is into you, and not just for the sex I think. She's asking you about where your at in your state of mind?

 

Now granted!

 

Having "mind-blowing- Star Spangle Banner, Fourth of July Fireworks-wild and hot monkey sex doesn't" hurt your cause either.

 

But as you said yourself? Someone doesn't drive thirty miles one way just to share a glass of wine and ask about how your day went.

 

BTW? Its a proven fact that the length of a relationship is proportionate to how soon in the relationship the couple become intimate.

 

I've read that countless times. And found it true in my own experience.

 

I've also found it true that the longer the man holds out in becoming intimate ~ the harder the woman falls for the man.

 

Again there are exceptions.

 

I work with a guy that became intimate with his current wife the first date, got married a month after meeting, and are still together today!

 

And have been for the last thirty-five years!

 

For her age? She's still a hottie ~ and only five feet tall while he's six foot three, over-weight, balding ~ go figure.

 

I'm no duty expert, but all-in-all? Its sound as though your "keeping it real and honest."

[Gunny376]

Or someone's trying to 'gas light' you!

[tojaz]

LUPA!!! It's just an egg. If she put it ther, you put it there, your cousin, ghosts, gremlins, the boogie man. It's still just an egg. Don't let it in your head.

TOJAZ