Apart and shaken

[lupa]

Yeah, maybe it was just a random egg. Was weird, though.

 

 

The thing with the ex just stepped up a notch. I got a text from her last night that said "wedding was wonderful! u need 2 become single 4 me..."

 

We talked about an hour later, and it seems very much like we're heading into something fast.

 

I kept it high level, though, and didn't say anything over-committal or anything like that. I just kept it on the level of, "yeah, we do seem to have this passion and things feel good when we're together." But I didn't go beyond that too much.

 

Maybe I am a good catch and she's working for it.

 

...or maybe she's just horny. lol.

 

[tojaz]

Hope she didn't catch the bouquet!! Tread lightly my friend, I get the feeling things are going to get very complicated real quick!

TOJAZ

[lupa]

Hope she didn't catch the bouquet!! Tread lightly my friend, I get the feeling things are going to get very complicated real quick!

TOJAZ

Yes they are.

 

I love it and hate it at the same time, like this is the best and worst thing that could be happening...

 

I'm going with the flow, and will try to keep it under control, which is funny because I suck at that usually.

 

Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead!

[phineas]

Did you change the locks?

Honestly, if I found out my wife was in my house i'd be pissed.

[lupa]

Did you change the locks?

Honestly, if I found out my wife was in my house i'd be pissed.

Ha ha, no I haven't. I just gave up caring, I think.

 

It was weird, and it is probably helped a lot by the ex gf, who is quickly becoming a gf, but I stopped caring what my wife was doing. I truly think it is a combination of the gf, having so many people telling me to stop beating myself up, so many people going out on limbs to make sure I have things to do, calling randomly to make sure I am ok, basically caring about me. I just stopped caring where my wife is, what she is doing, if she has divorce paperwork under way...

 

I still have the running dialog in my head where I argue with her about her being wrong about how things were and where we were...I bet that will go on for awhile. But, I don't care what she is up to today...and this is new.

 

So, no, I haven't changed the locks. I don't think she'd do anything to my stuff in the house, I don't think she'd invite anyone over during the day when I'm not around. As a matter of fact, I've had a woman (the ex gf/gf whatever we want to call her now) spend some time there...and it feels more like "my" house and no longer like "our" house.

 

I said it before, brick by painful brick I'm ripping this thing apart, and I'm actually starting to see the light of day. There's a million miles to go, but really, I'm starting to leave some of those old feelings behind.

 

I'll change the locks if I decide to stay in the house long term, but for right now...it doesn't matter to me, I don't think.

[phineas]

Yeah, I purged the house of my wife's belongings & got some new furniture.

It was my house before I met her & it's my house again.

I've been dealing with everything a lot longer than you & tojaz, MMI, & Lisa even though actual seperation was about the same length of time.

 

Dealing with my wife's affair was like dealing with a drug addict that refused to admit they were using.

You can only invest your time & energy for so long until you realize you can't help someone that doesn't want help.

 

That's when, you realize the person you cared about no longer exists & it's time to throw in the towel.

 

I don't know if I'm ready to move on or not. I won't know until I start dating again.

I'm hesitating because I have to admit I do have some self-esteem issues because of all this so i'm holding back to stack the deck in my favor.

That's basically getting myself & my house into shape to show I have something to offer a woman other than myself.

I hope eventually I'll get my confidence back, but for now my indifference to whether a woman likes me or not will have to suffice.

 

But, with the STBEX It's a no-brainer.

 

The bridge to happyness is washed out. Why try to cross the river & fight the current when there are countless bridges just down the path?

[lupa]

Oh man, I just read the first page of this thread...and now I'm doing everything TrustInYourself told me to do 10 weeks ago!

 

Ha ha ha. Took me 10 weeks to get my sh*t together, to stop caring, to get out and date other women (though by chance I ended up with an ex gf who I really have always liked). I'm doing things I like again and I'm exercising. I don't cry every day, I'm making new friendships, seeing old people I fell out of touch with...

 

...let this be a lesson to all the newbs: LISTEN TO THE PEOPLE WHO SPEAK TO YOU IN VERY CLEAR VOICES HERE.

 

They know what they are talking about, they have lived it, and they know what you are going through.

 

I'd have to say that in the 10 or so weeks I've been here...I'm getting better. One day I'll look back on the summer of '09 and all of the pain will be a memory.

 

Craziness...

[MrMayI]

i think we're getting there lupa. it took a new house for me, and a lady for you, but still. i think whatever it takes is what must be done. hell, my wife, i believe, is carrying on with a man 5 years younger than her less than a block from my new house, but you know something? i don't give a ****. i really don't. maybe i will sometime, but all of the bad feelings for now have dissipated into near nothingness. i really, really hope this lasts.

[lupa]

You know, people talk about "trading down" with a walk-away spouse, and even though everyone who is aware of my situation (friends) swears nothing is going on, the guy my wife hangs out with now went to a little unknown college, has been unemployed periodically since I've known him, is about to get laid off again, owes our friends money, and could never afford his own drinks when we would all go out together. He sits and plays video games all the time, and is effectively a child. He mopes around when we are all out, and has trailed my wife like a puppy dog since he got dumped by this last girl.

 

Is it some kind of control thing? Like power?

 

Other than that -- the ex, and well shoot, I might as well call her the girlfriend now, and I have been texting a lot since she's been on vacation, and we've talked a couple of times. The messages are sweet, and I find myself rereading them all day long. I am seriously concerned with how much I like her, not like in the bad way. I know my heart is in two places right now, but on some level I'm wondering who had it first?

 

I think she did.

 

I came right out of that relationship into a relationship that was with my wife...uhhh...yeah. I had no girlfriend in between the two there. I had a couple of hookups, and one friends with benefits thing that just imploded on itself, but I'm starting to wonder...

 

...was my wife my rebound? Granted the ex/girlfriend and I had only dated for a couple of months, but I was entirely taken with her, plus I had dated her before (albeit high school), and the situation was just so f'ed up that it was never going to work. I can remember thinking about this relationship for awhile after it ended.

 

I remember thinking that I was ready to settle down, and well, I settled down with the wife. I thought I loved her, but there were so many things about her that drove me crazy...no, you know what? I did love her, because she was, at one point, a good person. But I do think I settled in a way. I don't know.

 

Crazy times, right Gunny?

[LisaUk]

You know, people talk about "trading down" with a walk-away spouse, and even though everyone who is aware of my situation (friends) swears nothing is going on, the guy my wife hangs out with now went to a little unknown college, has been unemployed periodically since I've known him, is about to get laid off again, owes our friends money, and could never afford his own drinks when we would all go out together. He sits and plays video games all the time, and is effectively a child. He mopes around when we are all out, and has trailed my wife like a puppy dog since he got dumped by this last girl.

 

Is it some kind of control thing? Like power? I have no idea why this is so, seems to be very common though, I think Gunny knows why, he mentioned something about it before?

 

Other than that -- the ex, and well shoot, I might as well call her the girlfriend now, and I have been texting a lot since she's been on vacation, and we've talked a couple of times. The messages are sweet, and I find myself rereading them all day long. I am seriously concerned with how much I like her, not like in the bad way. I know my heart is in two places right now, but on some level I'm wondering who had it first?

 

I think she did.

 

I came right out of that relationship into a relationship that was with my wife...uhhh...yeah. I had no girlfriend in between the two there. I had a couple of hookups, and one friends with benefits thing that just imploded on itself, but I'm starting to wonder...

 

...was my wife my rebound? Ok Lupa, I'm going to be really blunt here, YOU ARE SERIOUSLY LOSING IT NOW!

Granted the ex/girlfriend and I had only dated for a couple of months,You only dated a couple of months, went sriaght from that to 3 different women, if anything they were the sexual and emotional to an extent rebounds. but I was entirely taken with her, plus I had dated her before (albeit high school), and the situation was just so f'ed up that it was never going to work. I can remember thinking about this relationship for awhile after it ended.

 

I remember thinking that I was ready to settle down, and well, I settled down with the wife. I thought I loved her, but there were so many things about her that drove me crazy...no, you know what? I did love her, You were with the ex only 2 months, YOU WERE WITH YOUR WIFE 7 YEARS! OF COURSE YOU LOVED HER, think about how devastated you felt when she left and about how much you wanted to save your marriage!because she was, at one point, a good person. But I do think I settled in a way. I don't know.

 

Crazy times, right Gunny?

 

OK, so that was all very blunt, no beating about the bush, but seriously Lupa, it's OK to be hurt and upset about your wife, but remember before you start re-writing your marital history and wondering if you ever loved her, that she did this, not you, she walked. Don't let her ruin your memories of your true love for her.

[lupa]

OK, so that was all very blunt, no beating about the bush, but seriously Lupa, it's OK to be hurt and upset about your wife, but remember before you start re-writing your marital history and wondering if you ever loved her, that she did this, not you, she walked. Don't let her ruin your memories of your true love for her.

Well the wondering if I ever loved her was just a rhetorical question, I think, to let me work through this. You can see I answered it two seconds later, though, by saying of course I did.

 

As for the settling thing...I've wondered about that since I decided to marry her that long ago. There were things that I told myself I was just not going to get...like the crazy passionate sex that I crave -- my wife had some sexual history issues, and would be very reserved with me. Like, she would never be on top. I know, right? And with my knee injury, sex actually hurt most of the time, and all I ever wanted was a break for a couple of minutes. I know that sounds petty, but it was a problem. Sexually, I settled. Emotionally I did not. I really cared about her, I loved her, I was happy around her most times.

 

However, and this is where I was going earlier -- I think the ex/girlfriend was someone I could have loved, and someone I was starting to love. It is like we have a shared history, a common place that we start from, and I was completely taken by her.

 

I am not saying that I love her now, I am saying she has had a piece of my heart for a long time...I would look into cars that were the same color and model as hers, even when I was in other states(!), to see if she was driving, years after I last saw her and had been married.

 

I don't know.

 

All I know is that there were things in my marriage that I just decided to live with, and I think a lot of my hurt and pain were because I felt rejected. Yes, we had a nice life together, we really did, and it is tough to let that go. I could have been satisfied and content. But maybe the passion just wasn't there.

 

...maybe that's what she felt. Sadly, I think we could have worked on the passion, but she walked when things got difficult.

 

Love? Yes I loved her. Now? Not so much.

 

The ex? I could definitely love her, but I have a long way to go before that flight of fancy can be reality.

[MrMayI]

lupa, i know what you mean. i don't want to say my wife and i weren't sexually compatible, because we were, but it just kind of dampened and dwindled, and that part became so mundane.

however, our time together was the best i've ever had with a woman, and that's the truth. i'm not pining but i can say with certainty i never have and don't believe i will ever meet another woman i had EVERYTHING in common with like this. hobbies, music, sports, food interests, everything. however, the passion subsided, and she walked so **** her. i know the next one may not have as many common interests, but that's what space is for. i'll be looking for fire in the bedroom with the next one. that's for damn sure.

[lupa]

Well, that is an interesting point -- my wife and I actually had very little in common. I was an athlete, she was not. I would ask her to go for runs with me, go to the gym (which I hated but she could do), and she wouldn't. I bought her a freaking bicycle so we could ride together, and she couldn't even get up the first hill.

 

She smoked, I didn't. When we went for life insurance, hers ended up costing 3x as mine because I'm in good shape, even when I had 30 extra pounds on me, and she wasn't.

 

I liked playing golf, she hated everything about it.

 

I played (and still play) the piano, she has a wonderful singing voice but did nothing with it.

 

She liked shopping.

 

I hated watching tv all the time, that was what she wanted to do. Flea markets, antique stores, consignment shops.

 

She would hate going to the mall with me, because I knew what I needed, went directly to the store, bought my stuff, and left.

 

Quite frankly, we were not really all that compatible, at all!

 

But when we would talk, when we were out together, she and I always had a good time. I don't know.

 

I don't know what to think anymore. I just know I'm tired of all this, and want it to stop, I want to move on.

 

Letting someone else in might not be the smartest way to move on, but it is going to help me let go. The fact that I have this history with the someone else just complicates matters, but it also makes it easier...I know I already really like this person.

 

*head spins*

[MrMayI]

here's my advice, to absolutely be taken with a grain of salt. slow down on the sexing with the ex gf. take her to the mall, take her golfing. invite her to the gym. everything your wife didn't do, see if she is compatible. light a candle on the piano and play her a song you compose just for her, even if it's cheesy. you know you two can take care of business in the sack. see if she's compatible in all other aspects. hell, if she is, maybe it is the absolute right move to make.

 

 

i know what you mean about wanting it to stop. it's hit the annoying point now. i don't want to think of her, to remotely long for her. however, it's there. i don't think it's going anywhere for me right now. although, it's starting to fizzle somewhat.

[lupa]

here's my advice, to absolutely be taken with a grain of salt. slow down on the sexing with the ex gf. take her to the mall, take her golfing. invite her to the gym. everything your wife didn't do, see if she is compatible. light a candle on the piano and play her a song you compose just for her, even if it's cheesy. you know you two can take care of business in the sack. see if she's compatible in all other aspects. hell, if she is, maybe it is the absolute right move to make.

 

 

i know what you mean about wanting it to stop. it's hit the annoying point now. i don't want to think of her, to remotely long for her. however, it's there. i don't think it's going anywhere for me right now. although, it's starting to fizzle somewhat.

I'll do everything you recommend except slowing down the sexing!

 

Actually, that is very good advice -- get out in the world together, to make sure we don't base a relationship on sex.

[MrMayI]

I'll do everything you recommend except slowing down the sexing!

 

Actually, that is very good advice -- get out in the world together, to make sure we don't base a relationship on sex.

 

haha. no, i wouldn't slow down either if i were you.

[LisaUk]

Hi Lupa

 

So when you talk about your wife and you in the bedroom and it not being crazy passionate sex, what are you talking about here? Are you saying there was no intimacy? Or just that it was mundane b/c she was not very forward or forthcoming, but the emotional connection was there?

 

See, I can relate to this, just very recently I have realised my ex had/has a serious problem with intimacy, all part of the CP. This realisation has, I think, allowed me to start moving on.

 

By the way MayI, that dampening down you describe, think that's part and parcel of a LTR to an extent.

[lupa]

Hi Lupa

 

So when you talk about your wife and you in the bedroom and it not being crazy passionate sex, what are you talking about here? Are you saying there was no intimacy? Or just that it was mundane b/c she was not very forward or forthcoming, but the emotional connection was there?

I don't know how to put it into words...it is just like I think she couldn't enjoy actual sex. She could never orgasm from sex, told me she had never in her life been able to. I would go out of my way, all of the time, to make sure she did have an orgasm -- (orally usually) -- before we had sex.

 

I think one of her past relationships really hurt her emotionally about sex...and she just always held back, was vulnerable. I, on the other hand, really don't have many insecurities, so I was probably unaware of a lot of her hangups, so I wasn't as understanding as I could have been. Plus she had asked me how many people I had been with, and my dumb ass, thinking honesty was a good policy, told her. So then she was intimidated by all the experience I had.

 

I don't know. It just never felt...well, it never felt like it does now with the ex/girlfriend. That sex is just hot, and it always was.

 

As far as intimacy -- my wife told me that I don't know how to be intimate except through sex...that I have "intimacy issues" which to me sounds like something a therapist would say after hearing one side of a story.

 

Whatever...she hasn't tried to contact me in over a week about anything -- there is info she needs to continue on with the divorce. I'm just done with her.

 

Somehow, though, I always end up having that argument in my head with her that it wasn't all bad, and ccertainly wasn't bad enough for her to treat me this way.

[LisaUk]

I don't know how to put it into words...it is just like I think she couldn't enjoy actual sex. She could never orgasm from sex, told me she had never in her life been able to.Talking with GF's of mine, that isn't all that uncommon, I don't want to get to graphic here,but you said she would only be on the bottom! (You really should have watched sex and the city with her Lup's LOL) I would go out of my way, all of the time, to make sure she did have an orgasm -- (orally usually) -- before we had sex.

 

I think one of her past relationships really hurt her emotionally about sex...and she just always held back, was vulnerable. I, on the other hand, really don't have many insecurities, so I was probably unaware of a lot of her hangups, so I wasn't as understanding as I could have been. Plus she had asked me how many people I had been with, and my dumb ass, thinking honesty was a good policy, told her. So then she was intimidated by all the experience I had. Always be honest! No matter what, that is such an important aspect of any relationship, take it form someone who has been lied to A LOT the last 18 years!

 

I don't know. It just never felt...well, it never felt like it does now with the ex/girlfriend. That sex is just hot, and it always was.

 

As far as intimacy -- my wife told me that I don't know how to be intimate except through sex...that I have "intimacy issues" which to me sounds like something a therapist would say after hearing one side of a story.

Ask yourself Lupa, what is sex for you? Is it a physical act that's hot b/c it's adventourous and can be with any women so long as she's attractive or is it an emotional feeling, a connection with another person on a deeper level that produces intense physical pleasure?

 

There are people who can have sex with anyone, one night, that's it, very physical. For others, it is much more an emotional thing as well as physical, an intensitiy and connection shared , intimacy. Often to these people it represents a deeper commitment to a person and a relationship.

 

Whatever...she hasn't tried to contact me in over a week about anything -- there is info she needs to continue on with the divorce. I'm just done with her.

 

Somehow, though, I always end up having that argument in my head with her that it wasn't all bad, and ccertainly wasn't bad enough for her to treat me this way. Don't blame yourself, she walked!

[lupa]

Sex, for me, can be both a "fun physical" thing and an emotional experience. It just depends on the person. With the wife it got to the point where it was kinda...medium in both senses. However, with the ex/girlfriend it is intensely physical and at the same time more passionate than I've ever had with the wife. Maybe it isn't a bad thing we are separate and divorcing.

 

I still do blame myself, though, because I'm the stronger of the two people, and I guess I hurt her. I never wanted to hurt anyone.

[LisaUk]

Sex, for me, can be both a "fun physical" thing and an emotional experience. It just depends on the person. With the wife it got to the point where it was kinda...medium in both senses. However, with the ex/girlfriend it is intensely physical and at the same time more passionate than I've ever had with the wife. Maybe it isn't a bad thing we are separate and divorcing.

 

I still do blame myself, though, because I'm the stronger of the two people, and I guess I hurt her. I never wanted to hurt anyone.

 

Just the fact that you think and worry that you hurt her shows that this isn't your fault!

[lupa]

Just the fact that you think and worry that you hurt her shows that this isn't your fault!

Thank you for that. I just can't shake that feeling, though.

 

Oh well, time to move on. Or at least try.

[delajoonal]

we are talking about s-e-x today....ack!

 

come on people..its been 6 months......LOL

[LisaUk]

we are talking about s-e-x today....ack!

 

come on people..its been 6 months......LOL

 

LOL :laugh::laugh:

[MrMayI]

i know. today has really made me consider making the phone call to some action.