Apart and shaken

[LisaUk]

 

Anyway, I still wake up badly. Every morning I would rub my wife's feet, or give her a little back rub. Usually she would barely even wake up, and she probably doesn't even remember...maybe this is why she thought I never gave her affection.

 

I just realised how little my ex did for me! Thank you, makes me feel (a bit) better for having to move on! Cheers!

[lupa]

I just realised how little my ex did for me! Thank you, makes me feel (a bit) better for having to move on! Cheers!

Lisa -- me, you, and everyone else here on the receiving end need to understand that we aren't perfect, and sure we contributed to the problem, but it is the other person who decided to abandon the relationship, not us.

 

We are the good guys.

 

 

I just reread a lot of this thread, and I gotta say, I really am a schizo...but people are right, I'm getting a little better each day. I still woke up in the middle of the night last night, and my heart started racing again, but, and this was the most amazing part, it actually slowed back down and I slept a few more hours. Then this morning it started, but I already wrote about that.

 

Keep the faith people, keep fighting.

 

My buddy is coming in tonight...that is my next goal. This is like those old race car video games, where you have to get to a checkpoint, and then your time gets extended for a few more seconds. And just like those games, the distance between checkpoints is getting farther as I get better.

 

...good thing I have a boatload of quarters and all kinds of time on my hands.

[LisaUk]

Lisa -- me, you, and everyone else here on the receiving end need to understand that we aren't perfect, and sure we contributed to the problem, but it is the other person who decided to abandon the relationship, not us.

 

We are the good guys.

 

 

I just reread a lot of this thread, and I gotta say, I really am a schizo...

 

Have a look at my thread I Get it! if you like, also have a look at Tojaz's threads, there's a lot of good info about the first part of your quote above. (By the way, I was paying you a compliment, my ex never did anything nice like that for me).

 

You are not scizo- trust me, I went through EXACTLY the same as you in the first month. Still am a bit (3 months on), but it's not quite so violent now, if you see what I mean.

[lupa]

GAAHHHH I just stumbled across an old picture of something from last year and it set me off.

 

Man this hurts so bad...I'm at work and I can't cry to get it out. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

 

 

She isn't worth this! The girl in the picture is DEAD! She's GONE! The one you are dealing with now is pure, concentrated evil.

 

 

think about the girls last night! Think about getting out and getting on with your life. You were having a good day! You are going to get that other woman's number and take her out for the best night on the town she could ever expect!

 

Every time I have a breakthrough, I kicked smashed in the teeth by something.

 

Mourn the girl you married, do not pine for the one that exists.

[Sufferin_Succotash]

Mourn the girl you married, do not pine for the one that exists.

 

 

Amen Brother!

[Chrome Barracuda]

It's not worth it to have old pictures lying around you need to box those old ones up. Also it's good to get out and get a life. let her miss you, but stay NC, let the OM take care of her,

 

Staying by yourself and making you stronger is something you should strive for, she's not coming back, you need to get your emotions in check and do so.

 

I'm glad your living it up, that counts towards moving on.

[tojaz]

GAAHHHH I just stumbled across an old picture of something from last year and it set me off.

 

Man this hurts so bad...I'm at work and I can't cry to get it out. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

 

 

She isn't worth this! The girl in the picture is DEAD! She's GONE! The one you are dealing with now is pure, concentrated evil.

 

 

think about the girls last night! Think about getting out and getting on with your life. You were having a good day! You are going to get that other woman's number and take her out for the best night on the town she could ever expect!

 

Every time I have a breakthrough, I kicked smashed in the teeth by something.

 

Mourn the girl you married, do not pine for the one that exists.

 

Things are going to keep setting you off man, just expect it. I had a real bad one last night that i'm still not completely over http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t192892/

It's going to get worse before it gets better man, the roller coaster just keeps on rolling.

Stay strong, TOJAZ

[Gunny376]

OOOOoooooRaaaahhh! Get some!

 

Ugh! ugh! I love to the Corps! I love the Corps!

 

Ship me out for twenty more!

 

Marine Corps!

 

Motivate me!

[lupa]

Well, I'm just about down as far as I can go. I don't see any way to save this...at all. All I want is a second chance, and I don't see any way for that to happen.

 

All I want is a second chance.

 

I think I'm going to write her a letter. No phone, no text. No email. Hand-written letter, however long it takes to get it all out. I'm not going to gush "I love you I love you" but I will tell her that I now understand a lot of things I had no idea about and that of all things, I believe people need to learn and grow. I can learn and grow.

 

Oh god this is like a slow-motion death, and I've died it a thousand times.

 

I talked to her good friend yesterday when I was having what felt like a panic attack that there was actually someone else. The girl said, "look, I wouldn't come out and tell you if there was somebody, but I most certainly would have figured out a way to let you know." Meaning, there isn't someone right now. The girl also said that my wife hasn't said she wants this to work out, nor has she said that she wants a divorce. All she wants is space and time.

 

That's why I like the letter idea. It is low pressure, not in your face, not arguing, not putting on the spot. It has a certain feel that is better than email...I dunno.

 

I feel like it is the final salvo I can fire from this sinking ship.

 

Or maybe I should just throw up my hands, admit that I am completely powerless here, and let the chips fall where they may.

 

Man, I just want the pain to stop. I am back to not sleeping again...or rather, I sleep until the middle of the night, then I wake up and my heart starts racing, and I don't fall back to sleep.

 

Maybe I'll just start running at night. 8 pm, run as far as I can, and when I have to stop I'll just turn around and figure out how to get home.

 

Home...doesn't even feel like home anymore.

 

I want to hold her, look her in the eye, and say, "I thought that by providing a home, and settling down, and planning for the future I was showing you love..."

 

Oh, someone make this stop. I'm killing myself every minute of every day.

[KTMRider33]

Lupa,

I feel every ounce of your pain.

I know you have to walk your own path, but my advice for what it's worth is let it go man.

Write your letter if you think it will help, but write it for you not her.

I'm sure you've said so much over the last few weeks, has it made a jot of difference?

We all think that if they could only see how much we love them, how we can change, that they will come running back.

if she wants you back she will come and find you, she will crawl over broken glass if that's what she wants.

Letting go of hope is hard, if am 100% I still have a tiny kernel of hope, but it gets smaller every day, and the smaller it gets the stronger you get, and it's liberating.

My stbx has an OM so it's a bit different,she couldn't care less about me, and want's little or no contact.

I know you will find the strength, you can let her go, you can go on.

[lupa]

But she texted me last night to remind me of a doctor's appt. Why would she do that if she didn't care?

 

WHAT IS GOING THROUGH THIS HUMAN BEING'S MIND?

[mark982]

the only way you're going to heal is if you go nc. she knows she's got you where she wants you.tell her in no uncertin terms that you don't want to hear from her.

[KTMRider33]

Lupa....I was talking to a guy today about the Mel Gibson film 'What Women Want' I think it was called, he could hear womens thoughts.

I have wished over the last few weeks I could crawl inside her mind, just to reach some understanding.

 

Ok so she texted you to remind you, so it would on the surface appear that she has some level of compassion as a human being.....remember I said on the surface.

But she didn't text to say, I'm sorry I want to work it out did she?

So all you can do is take it on face value, a reminder about the doctor!!!!

I don't know if she's playing games with you, neither do you, remember as everyone will tell you, you only have control over you and your actions not hers.

If you think there is something you could, say, do or write that will help, then do it.

I did, but it made no difference.

At some point you have to say ENOUGH, I cannot change what is happening.

Some people are of the opinion that when you finally move on, that in the future they may 'come to their senses'......but by definition, to move on completely you have to find a way to not care.

Something we all need to do.

We all have your back mate, and I wish that I could wave a magic wand and heal all the hurt that I read here.

I hope that things, turn round for you, but if they don't I know you'll be a better person.

As Gunny says, we end up with a case of (oneitus), no cure for it, but hard work, on US.

Take it steady

[lupa]

We just had an email exchange that became a text exchange that ended up with me attempting to call her after she texted (in response to my saying that "I'm going out of town for 10 days starting next week, and we need to meet before that..." because I have some things I want to discuss, and face to face is better) ...anyway, she wrote "I know we should [meet] but the second I start thinking about it I can't breathe and I'm all anxiety-ridden."

 

So I wrote "I understand...it can be laid back and nice, if we try, I think."

 

...no response.

 

...no response.

 

...no response.

 

...no response.

 

I wrote..."are you ok?" <----SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT, but I was actually worried that she was having that attack right then. Why? Because I'm an idiot. She didn't call me and ask any of the times I was upset.

 

So...in my galactically stupid stupidity, I decided that something WAS wrong, and I called, leaving the message, "you worried me with that last message, and I am concerned...are you ok?"

 

BECAUSE I'M GALACTICALLY STUPID.

 

Boy, you get the "hand" in an exchange, and give it right back. Numnuts!

 

...but this is because I'm not playing a game, I'm a caring person, and I'm a good guy. I feel for her, but I'M GALACTICALLY STUPID.

 

I think she is afraid of the face-to-face because she is starting to think papers are going to be handed over. I've been asking certain questions about finances over the last few days that could only force her to wonder. Let her think that...let her get her own papers (this works out better for me financially anyway).

 

My friend who flew in from out of town is now insisting, INSISTING, that I not initiate any further contact for anything, and if she doesn't get back to me by Tuesday, I change the locks and security code, and send her an email notification as such. I leave Thursday, and without getting together face to face, I do not want anyone in my house.

 

Hell, I have a gun in there, I have possessions, I have stuff and things!

 

She left, it is now MY house.

 

My friend is taking me out to get clothes tonight, and making me say over and over that today is the first day of the rest of my life.

 

...I was crying on the couch before work this morning.

 

 

I am such a f*cking wreck.

 

EDIT: She just texted me back...JUST NOW..."I don't know" in response to my "are you ok?" (and probably the voicemail). LS, WHAT IN THE HELL DO I DO NOW???????

 

(Just so you know, this is the first time in about three days I don't have that slow-heart-attack-chest-compression feeling. Now I'm just dizzy because I don't sleep anymore).

[LisaUk]

Lupa, remind me what the state of play is here, am getting very confused , as I'm sure you are. What did your wife say she wanted regarding seperation/divorce when she left and what has she said since?

[lupa]

Lupa, remind me what the state of play is here, am getting very confused , as I'm sure you are. What did your wife say she wanted regarding seperation/divorce when she left and what has she said since?

She said:

 

- I love you, but I'm not in love with you

- I need time to sort out my head

- I need to see if I miss you

- I cannot say that I want this to work

- I think I want a divorce, but I need space to figure it out

- You're crowding me

- You're crowding me

- Everything you do infuriates me

 

I told her to take a month "apart" at her parents to think it over. We fought constantly for the first week because she was lying about what she was up to, and I thought "time apart" meant introspection and walks through the park, not going out with Mr X (and friends, each time) 4 out of the first 6 nights. After that I've calmed down, but we still are in a lot of contact, even though I tell you people all the time that I'm going no contact. (Why do I have the feeling that I should have been doing that all along?)

 

...yet she keeps interacting with me. I've stopped talking about the relationship, the future, whatever. I've tried to be supportive and use words like, "you're right, I understand, I really see how you would feel that way," and I've stopped any and all confrontation.

 

I've had to discuss financial things with her a lot lately, and I think she is starting to panic because she suspects I'm going to divorce her.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Well lupa, listen if she's still being around the other man why would you want to stay married to her?

 

Every day she doesnt make overtures in your direction, the more you drift away.

 

Lupa you need to come to a resolution, you cant remain in the limbo forever.

 

It isnt fair to you, how could she justify what she's doing , what she's gonna remain seperated while your still her husband still hanging on? WTF is that?

 

I mean where do you stand lupa? what do you want? if she isnt willing to be your wife? Why dont you just file for divorce, she cant put it off forever.

 

If she's having panic attacks because of the prospect of divorce, why doesnt she understand that they are caused because of her actions. You have not said you wanted to leave outright, the only reason your in the way you are is because of her decisions and her choices.

 

I bet if you could have her back without the OM and making a fresh start I bet you would but I wouldnt tolerate what she's doing.

 

As a man I dont tolerate it even when I'm dating a woman, why as a man should you tolerate it from a woman you are married to?

[LisaUk]

Right ok. I'm going to tell you a way to apologise to her that will clear the air. It doesn't matter if you are in the right or wrong, all that matters is that you tell her you're in the wrong, this isn't about saving face this about saving your marriage ok? I learnt this AFTER my ex left, too late for me, but hopefully not for you.

 

Try and think about what it is that your wife says she is unhappy with, what is it that she says you have done wrong?

 

"You must be so (angry and hurt but use your own words, however you think she feels)"

"I understand, I was trying to provide a home for us to start a family, it made me so tired and I neglected you, I didn't pay you enough attention etc"

"There's no excuse for it, I want you to know that I feel so terrible for making you feel etc"

"Maybe we can talk about this some more face to face"

 

What is important is that you don't say you are wrong, you don't justify or defend your behaviour by saying BUT, YOU take responsibility for the problem in the relationship.

 

Again, it doesn't matter if it's your fault or not, what you are trying to achieve is to get her to calm down enough to accept your apology and meet you to discuss what she needs from then on out.

 

I can't garentee it will work, it's up to you to decide whether to use it or not. If you do and she won't meet face to face, ask her on the phone what she needs? Does she need space to think about things, if she says yes, you MUST GIVE IT TO HER, GO NC.

[TrustInYourself]

If you love her, respect her wishes. Give her space. If she doesn't choose you, then so be it. Prepare for that occasion now, by mentally and emotionally steeling yourself.

 

Who cares what they do. Do not live life tied to the actions of others. Create your own path. Live your life.

[LisaUk]

Sorry Lupa, on second thoughts go with whatever TIY tell you to do, he is back with his wife, ignore me, sorry I don't mean to add to your confusion.

[lupa]

If I've learned one thing from people here, it is that there is no one way to do this...instead, I'm picking bits and pieces and working it altogether, lisa. To wit (this is long, sorry):

 

 

 

We had a 50 minute conversation last night...I have come to the conclusion that my wife is completely lost, and really has no idea what is going on. She made me the bad guy over the last few months, instead of dealing with some of her own big things, and my dumb ass played right into it, because she knew how to push my buttons.

 

So I started my own personal "180". Also, Gunny, I finally went for a run...my friend from out of town thought it would be a good idea, so at 9 last night we went...waited for it to cool down. At the end of the run, I broke down and cried for like 10 minutes...

 

...but anyway. My wife called at about 11.

 

During the call, I kept calm, cool, empathetic. By the end of the conversation she started trying to make an argument out of something, and I kept saying, "no, you're right. I reacted badly to a situation. Reasons are excuses, so I'm not going to explain why. Just understand that I didn't mean it, I was hurt and angry. I'm truly sorry."

 

She had no idea what to do or say.

 

I feel bad for her in a way. She is running away from a situation that is her head, and now she is trying to keep the drama up because it is easier to blame the outside world than fix what's inside.

 

Halfway through the call I said, "I guess I didn't understand how to show you love. I stayed out of your way when you didn't have a job because I didn't want you to think I was pressuring you. I didn't ask you what book you read that day because I didn't want you to think I didn't want you reading books. Of course I wanted to know what you were doing! I just thought that giving you space and time to sort your things out was supporting you...I have never been through this or anything like it, so I didn't know the right way to help. But people can learn and grow, and no matter how this ends, I think I can be a better person because of it. I can understand how to show love and support a lot better now...

 

...You know, I thought that providing for us, settling down, stopping partying, buying the power tools, learning to be Mr Fixit...I thought that was how to show you love. I thought you'd be making dinner, our kids would be running around in the yard, and I'd be fixing the leaking pipe in the bathroom..."

 

It sounded like she sobbed, and she changed the subject immediately. I'm pretty sure I got my point across that I didn't abandon her, but that I most certainly didn't understand what she was looking for. I also didn't say, "I've changed, look!" I said, "I can learn from this, and grow, and know how to show the love I feel."

 

Also, she put two and two together about my questioning a lot of things on the finances. After I while I admitted that I had talked to a lawyer at our corp law firm (true) and they told me to assess my finances (true) but that I didn't talk to a divorce lawyer (false). She said something like, "Well, it just feels like you're trying to screw me." I said, "in the state of PA, honey, I couldn't screw you on this if I tried. Don't worry about it." She knows how I am, and when there is something I don't understand I go 100% to learn about it before I make a move...she knows I went to the divorce lawyer, and she is scared. (The lawyer told me it is in my best interest to not make the first move, by the way, or I would have by now).

 

I dunno...I feel better. I feel better for having the chance to say what I wanted, I feel better knowing that she really doesn't have a plan, and that she is hurting a lot.

 

She started on me about talking to our friends about her relationship with that one guy, and how it was disrespectful to her. I told her that my whole world made sense until a little while ago, and I didn't mean for it to get out of hand like that...I was scared and confused. I apologized for that...she accepted, tentatively at first, tried to start again, then said, "But you apologized, and I think you are sorry."

 

She was so taken aback by not having an adversary, so off-balance...kept saying I am Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I told her that I plan on being the nice one (which one was that again?) through whatever happens, divorce or no divorce.

 

I think I also scared her by discussing divorce so freely, and not saying "I don't want a divorce, I want to work it out." Instead I said, "I don't want it to end that way, but sometimes I think it would be best." She backtracked.

 

Another thing -- I'm going out of town for like 10 days. I told her I'm putting the cats in the kennel (I hate doing that), and that I'd have somebody come by to get the mail. She said she could do it, and I said, "Well, it doesn't feel like you live here any more, so I didn't think i should ask." Silence. I said, "Ok, that would be fine if you could swing by, then. Look, I want you to know I really don't want anyone with you when you do."

 

"LIKE WHO?"

 

"Anyone -- your girlfriends, anyone. I don't want you inviting Bob and Martha over for dinner when I'm not here. I have a gun upstairs, I have stuff and things...I just don't want to wonder who is in our house. I hope you understand." I told her that her parents would be ok, I guess, but even that makes me a little uncomfortable. She agreed...but I think she won't listen.

 

Like I said, I'm not sure where this is going, but I now have a little strength in the relationship. I'm not going to call her at least until monday, before I go out of town for a while. I want to meet face to face before I travel. It is just something I want, and it is going to happen...if it doesn't, well, let's just say I will not be saying no if a woman falls in my lap while I'm away.

 

...this whole thing is so f*cking draining. Geez.

__________________

[tojaz]

Lupa,

You got it man!!! Exactly right!!! Don't do anything that reenforces what she blames you for. If those traits are gone she has no choice but to look at herself and her part in this. Dosen't mean she will see it, but she won't see the man she thought she was running from either. Show her the real you, not the paniced desperate you she drew out through all this. It's allright to tell her that you don't want the divorce, you still don't right? Just don't fight her. Don't file either, unless you want it. Shes trying to make you the bad guy, if you file, then your the one that pulled the trigger. It will make it easier for her and give her someone to blame. Talk to the lawyer, get your ducks in a row, protect yourself, but don't put the noose around your own neck!!!

TOJAZ

[lupa]

My buddy swears that I'm getting my hopes up...I told him I'm not going to quit. Now i'm all confused again.

 

I didn't think one conversation changed anything except me understanding that she doesn't really have a plan at all, and that i'm now in the driver's seat for contact between us.

 

I said to him that she needs to see me before I leave town, or basically I'm going to start the process of legalizing all of this...there is a limit.

 

I dunno...I just don't feel like hell today, and people must think i'm now hopeful. I want it to work, but the odds are slim that it will. That doesn't mean I can't go down swinging, but I'm going to do this the smart way, the better way.

 

I'm going to make sure I take care of me. I have the legal issues put together the best I can, I have said what I needed to say, I'm no longer going to fight her or argue...I'm going to be supportive. She may or may not change, but I can say, when this all ends, that I've done my very best, and i'm better off for it.

 

Sheesh.

 

...I just wanna get laid. lol.

[TrustInYourself]

Lupa,

 

That is exactly the right attitude. This conversation happened because you took steps to prepare for life without her. You are forcing her to face the consequences of her actions.

 

Your comments are exactly right and your attitude of refusing to become the adversary is a great approach, especially when your wife is confused.

 

You need to take yourself out of the equation. Allow her a chance to figure out what she wants. That may or may not be you. So you have to be prepared either way.

 

You have to take actions to learn, grow and become a better person after all this. I think you're doing a fine job right now.

 

If you continue on this path, you may not reconcile your marriage, but you will reconcile with happiness.

 

You have the power. All the power in the world. That's when you realize you can give her space and whatever else she thinks she needs. You're not at a loss here. She is.

 

Best wishes.

[TrustInYourself]

You are applying the tactic of mental judo as well. Do not provide fuel to the fire. Go with the flow.