Do I need to change who I am to get a boyfriend??

[mint_tea]

This is a read. But I will be so grateful if you make it through this and can maybe offer some advice. I am really sad at the moment

 

I'm at my wit's end. I'm 20 years old, female, in college. I have the worst luck with men. I am beginning to think I need to change who I am. But I like who I am. I'm intelligent, an Irish dancer, want to be a police officer (people are always SHOCKED when I say that - there are cute lady cops, ok?), and have an ironic sense of humor. As a friend put it, I have the tough girl, cool chick persona. But I am starting to think that I'm not cool at all.

 

My problems with men started with my first relationship.

 

I was 18 and had never had a BF. Then B walked into my life. I was extremely self-conscious, anorexic, etc. I shouldn't have been in a relationship, but those were my own issues. I was a good girlfriend to B. B was a brain cancer survivor and very insecure about his appearance from the experience. I tried for over a year to assure him that he is attractive and an amazing person as a result of the experience, but he would get very angry at me and tell me to shut up. When I confided to him that I'm insecure about my appearance, his way of making me feel better was by saying, "I tell all my friends 'yeah, I get to f*** that' and they're so jealous!" Believe it or not, my self-esteem was so in the toilet that that comment actually made me feel *good*. The relationship was unhealthy and it ended in August of last year. He took me for granted. As a result I became very gaurded about how, when, and with whom I share my feelings. I started holding things in.

 

A month later I started seeing my RA. He told his friends that he wanted to marry me a few days after we began dating. He said he couldn't believe he met someone like me - "cool, funny, smart, beautiful". Then two weeks later, he said he wasn't over his ex and things ended. The next month I developed a crush on a guy at school, G. We spent every day and night together (didn't sleep together; I'm not like that). He said the same things to me, about how I'm an amazing girl, funny, beautiful, etc. A week into it, he broke things off, saying I'm "too laid back". For about three months, a guy at work had been trying to ask me out. He was a meathead and not my type at all (total pretty boy). He would call me on the wallphone and ask when we were going on a date. I gave in after things ended with G. We dated for a month, when he told me he didn't want a relationship because girls always dump him. I tried to tell him I wouldn't do that but he wasn't hearing it. We continued to date for two months until he said something that made me cry, on my birthday. So I broke up with him. This same guy who didn't want a relationship had a girlfriend a week after I ended things.

 

A week after my birthday, I went with to a party, just hoping to forget everything that had happened. Not expecting to meet anyone at all. And that's where I met L. L was everything I was looking for in a guy - smart, funny, down to earth, laid back. He said those same things to me that all the other guys did, and vocalized that he couldn't believe he had met someone like me and was so glad that he did. He asked me if I would move to Texas with him when he graduates. We were dating for a month and a half when he texted me that he didn't want to see me anymore, that he doesn't want to jump back into a serious relationship. I was shocked because after my past dating experiences, I let him make all the "emotional" moves. He told me about past relationships, asked me about mine, and confided in me. I felt used when he dumped me (via text msg!!), as we had had sex. He said he should've told me earlier that he didn't want a relationship. At that moment, I felt like an object. The anger I felt from all of the past dating realtionships swelled inside of me. So I said, "I guess you were thinking with the wrong head" - I've never said anything that mean to a guy. He responded with, "F*** you, you f***ing b****. You're pathetic and you'll make a piece of s*** cop. Luckily, you'll fit right in."

I liked him so much, and it's been nearly a month since he said that to me. I still cry sometimes out of longing.

 

What is wrong with me?! These guys tell me that I have these great qualities and then BAM, they dump me. It seems like guys fall quickly for me and then I lose my novelty? I feel like I'm just a cheap thrill.

[carhill]

Try accepting approaches from a man who doesn't sweet talk, but rather has a more reserved and gentlemanly manner about him. Let his actions talk to you and you decide if they match up with what you want from a man.

 

Also, even though you need a certain "image" to be an effective LEO, that can be your professional face, not your personal one. Soften your physical and emotional image a bit; "feminize" them. A man likes his woman to be attentive and supportive, not one of the guys he throws back beers with. "Soft" is too extreme of a word, IMO, but "less hard" might send more appropriate signals.

 

The key is attracting the right man for you. Do you know who that is?

[mint_tea]

First, thank you for reading and responding so quickly. I know that was a novel.

 

Also, even though you need a certain "image" to be an effective LEO, that can be your professional face, not your personal one. Soften your physical and emotional image a bit; "feminize" them. A man likes his woman to be attentive and supportive, not one of the guys he throws back beers with. "Soft" is too extreme of a word, IMO, but "less hard" might send more appropriate signals.

 

I really want to "soften up" - one of my best friends is very girly and she is so great at flirting. I'm neither of these. A BIG part of this is because I'm scared. I'm absolutely terrified of letting down my "tough girl" wall. Whenever I let that wall down, if even for a brief period, I get hurt. Being girly in my mind leads to being vulnerable, which leads to getting hurt.

 

I don't know how to be girly/flirtatious. I completely turned that part of me off when my first BF and I broke up and now I can't remember how to get it back..

 

The key is attracting the right man for you. Do you know who that is?

 

The right man for me is my best guy friend! I have a post in "Friends and Lovers" called "does he like me or just a really good friend?". I said in that post that every guy I date, I compare to my friend. And they never match up. As my luck would have it, my friend is a close friend of my first BF. In fact, that's how I met this friend. I know he cares about me - he suspected that I was in a possible date rape situation and was pulling out of his driveway to go an hour to where I was with a baseball bat in tow.

 

But I don't want to get my hopes up, and instead of waiting around for him I'm trying to find someone else. Thus, my dating woes continue.

[carhill]

So, how long have you and this guy been friends? Do you act like your authentic self around him? I presume the tough girl persona is an image and not how you are around family and close friends. Part of the beauty of such relationships is that we can be open and authentic and feel safe. How does that work for you?

[Els]

So, how long have you and this guy been friends? Do you act like your authentic self around him? I presume the tough girl persona is an image and not how you are around family and close friends. Part of the beauty of such relationships is that we can be open and authentic and feel safe. How does that work for you?

 

The problem with the 'tough girl image but soft girl inside' thing, though... is that sometimes men are attracted to a girl's image. They like the tough girl image, and then they actually get to know her, and after several dates they notice that the image is progressively changing! That might not be good.

 

That's actually a problem that I struggle with as well. I sometimes project the 'one of the boys' image, partly because I'm rather good with certain hobbies and skills that are considered mainly male territory. My guy was attracted to that. However, I actually am more of a girl around SOs... and he was rather surprised. He doesn't want the typical feminine girly-girl -- fortunately my preferred 'level' rests somewhere in between the two extremes, so he's cool with it.

 

OP: You had a few failed relationships with jerks. I don't think that has anything to do with you in particular -- three is a rather small number to use as a statistic. However, I personally think that what you need to do is learn to recognize those red flags better and cut things off faster! In so many cases you let things go further than you should have. I think many of us make that mistake as well.

[Chibaby]

I know you don't want to hear this, but in my opinion it's not you, it's them! College guys in general are trying to figure it out too, and a lot of times they are silly and immature. Not all guys are like this, but they go through that college phase you know, where they need to be wild and single. The right guy will come along when the timing is right. In the meantime, follow your passions, if you want to be a police officer and dancer, then my advice is to strive for the best. Trust me, a relationship does mean sacrifices. In my experience, I wanted to move to Hawaii and go to grad school before I got involved, now I'm living in Oklahoma jobless, and this was for my husband (it's all good though, that was my path). Follow your dreams now while you are young and have the chance. I'm serious here- otherwise you may regret it. Have fun with the boys, a serious relationship will come when the time is right. After all, you are only young once.

[WineCountry]

I AM in Law Enforcement now. I am a Police Detective. You think it's bad now, just wait until you actually BECOME a cop. Some guys will FREAK. LOL Sorry, but it's a fact of life. Once, when i was working outside of a bar, I was standing there talking to my partner. This guy came up to me all sheepish and nervous, and said "i hope i dont offend you, but you have beautiful eyes". I said thank you, and wondered to myself why on earth that would offend me. I get compliments on my green eyes all the time. Im still a woman. I like compliments! I'm very laid back. I am more comfy in jeans and sneakers. Im more the outdoorsy type, and have never been girly-girly. I would rather take martial arts than a dance class. I would rather go on a hike than to wild party.

 

I look feminine, but I am just not girly girly. Some times I wonder if i will have to change my image also. Do i NEED to act girly girly? But, thats not the real me. I feel like Id be lying. I can also be a homebody, which certainly doesnt help. And I have never been hard to approach; im very friendly, and VERY aware of peoples feelings. I would NEVER be a jerk to someone who was trying to meet me.

 

I too have always been the cool chick, easy to talk to, fun to hang out with, etc. Im asking myself the same question, mint tea. Do i need to change who i am?

[start-fresh]

Okay, a couple things. For one, these guys do sound like jerks or more likely just confused what they wanted. Either way, I don't think that reflects on you. They sounded like they got really infatuated or something with all the marriage talk.

 

As far as the cool chick/girly girl thing goes, like everything else you need balance. High maintenance is bad, but it's also really important to realize you need to let that guard down. Guys want to feel like you need them and that vulnerability is important. If you've got a tough persona all the time you just come off as detached and that's not good for a relationship. I've dated girls like that in the past and just felt like they weren't investing anything.

 

Finally, with this good guy friend, I would say there's like a 90% chance he has feelings for you. Unless you're really unattractive (which I doubt seeing how easily you pick up guys) he probably thinks you've friendzoned him. When I share that kind of connection with someone and she's reasonably attractive, feelings for more usually develop. Also, he's good friends with your ex and he probably doesn't want to break any man laws. Try discussing those things with him and I bet you get somewhere.

[mint_tea]

WineCountry, you sound so much like me. I wish I could sit down and have a cup of coffee with you, lol.

 

Guys want to feel like you need them and that vulnerability is important.

 

I can appreciate that...I'm just afraid of seeming *too* needy. So to counteract that, I've become annoyingly independent.

 

Finally, with this good guy friend, I would say there's like a 90% chance he has feelings for you. Unless you're really unattractive (which I doubt seeing how easily you pick up guys) he probably thinks you've friendzoned him.

 

Yep..."George" always finds something to not like about the guys I date. Even if it's their heritage - "I already want to punch this guy and I haven't even met him". In September, he admitted to having feelings for me. I remember, he was tryin' to put the moves on me as usual, and I said, "George!! I don't want to be Friends. With. Benefits!"

"I know"

"Well, we're not together, so stop"

"But we could be together...we have fun together, and it's not like I don't like you...a lot"

*silence*

 

Then he said he'd talk to my ex, who is bats*** crazy. I guess my ex flipped, because George said a few days later that he likes me but doesn't think it's gonna work. So I stopped talking to him for 2 months...then when we were friends again, he said "so what happened to not wanting to be associated with me anymore?" "Eh, it's in the past". And from then on, I've acted like just a friend - friendzoning, like you said.

 

Then last night he, a friend of his, and myself watched a movie in his basement. His friend had been hitting on me, and I texted George, "did you put him up to this? he's telling me I look good". George replied, "well you do look good. he's not flirting, just a nice guy". George kept texting me throughout the movie. As soon as his friend left, George started putting the moves on (tickling me) and one thing led to another. Instead of saying anything, I just let it be what it was. He slept in the basement with me on a really uncomfortable couch and I left today in the afternoon.

 

We need to talk but I'm afraid of it ending badly again...

[bean1]

If you want to be a cop, you are going to have to be realistic about the realities of the job. On a daily basis, you will be called a c*nt, a b*tch,, slut, laughed at, and attacked for appearing weak (ie. not 6'4). That, and a lot of female police officers are single well into their 30's-40's or divorced. You will also lose faith in the male gender (there are a few that don't cheat, but most are dogs).

 

Not that I am trying to discourage you from the job, but I find a lot of young girls coming out of the academy have unrealistic ideas of how they will be treated. Rats WILL try to break you down and you will end up with your hands shaking after being in sooo many confrontations on a daily basis.

 

Good luck and keep up your fitness. All the downsides don't erase the fact that you will make a good living and have fun on the job. Just don't forget about your friends when you begin shift work like I did After 5 years, I've realized that almost all my friends are cops. Make sure to have outside interests.

[bean1]

Oh and don't worry too much about boyfriends before the academy, after 1-2 years on the job, you will be a completely different person The good thing is, you'll have an easier time filtering out losers because you'll be able to read someone's face in 1.2 seconds.

[z1850]

I would concentrate on your career, and then when you have a job look for a boyfriend. College students can be pretty immature.

 

I suggest you earn your master's degree. That will set you apart from all the B.A.'s aplying for a job. You might major in criminal justice, or even a scientific discipline like clinical laboratory science with a master's in molecular pathology, so you can do DNA analysis.

 

Aside from choosing a major, which is critically important, I suggest you go to church or at least a campus Christian group to make friends. They are likely to be the nicest people you'll ever meet.

[mint_tea]

Well, I'm going to wait until I'm on the job to go to grad school. A university at which my dad is a professor gives a Master's education at half-off for police officers.

 

And, I'm not religious anymore and don't want to be

[mint_tea]

If you want to be a cop, you are going to have to be realistic about the realities of the job. On a daily basis, you will be called a c*nt, a b*tch,, slut, laughed at, and attacked for appearing weak (ie. not 6'4). That, and a lot of female police officers are single well into their 30's-40's or divorced. You will also lose faith in the male gender (there are a few that don't cheat, but most are dogs).

 

Not that I am trying to discourage you from the job, but I find a lot of young girls coming out of the academy have unrealistic ideas of how they will be treated. Rats WILL try to break you down and you will end up with your hands shaking after being in sooo many confrontations on a daily basis.

 

Good luck and keep up your fitness. All the downsides don't erase the fact that you will make a good living and have fun on the job. Just don't forget about your friends when you begin shift work like I did After 5 years, I've realized that almost all my friends are cops. Make sure to have outside interests.

 

I don't have unrealistic expectations of the job, this I can assure you. I was raised by a 25 year vet of the job, and have seen and heard everything you mentioned in your post. I'm not in this for the gun and badge.

 

I guess I don't have to worry about losing faith in the opposite gender - that happened a long time ago

[boogieboy]

Im gonna stray from the pack here and stress your girly side.

 

Seems after a month the same thing happens with all these guys, but you dont mention what YOU might have done wrong to turn these guys off. Clearly if you were this cool and fun to hang out with they would stay, so something is happening after they get accustomed to the cool chick. They might be jerks, but at least one of them would have stuck around for more than a month or two.

 

I dont want to disparage you with wild guesses, is there any guesses as to what you could be doing wrong to turn them off? there isnt enough to this story as to how you and these guys behaved towards each other halfway though the month, and intimately.

Do you notice a pattern?

Do you remember when the point came when you noticed them start to get turned off, and what might have happened to turn them off?

 

I dont believe that your cool chick persona is a novelty that only lasts a month and then the guys arent attracted anymore. There has to be something else. Unless you only dated players.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

You don't need to change yourself, but you do need to start liking and loving yourself and everything about you.

 

Then you need to take this newly revived self-worth and move forward and be happy with yourself. Never blame your unhappiness on things that happened in the past.

[Mary3]

This is a read. But I will be so grateful if you make it through this and can maybe offer some advice. I am really sad at the moment

 

I'm at my wit's end. I'm 20 years old, female, in college. I have the worst luck with men. I am beginning to think I need to change who I am. But I like who I am. I'm intelligent, an Irish dancer, want to be a police officer (people are always SHOCKED when I say that - there are cute lady cops, ok?), and have an ironic sense of humor. As a friend put it, I have the tough girl, cool chick persona. But I am starting to think that I'm not cool at all.

 

My problems with men started with my first relationship.

 

I was 18 and had never had a BF. Then B walked into my life. I was extremely self-conscious, anorexic, etc. I shouldn't have been in a relationship, but those were my own issues. I was a good girlfriend to B. B was a brain cancer survivor and very insecure about his appearance from the experience. I tried for over a year to assure him that he is attractive and an amazing person as a result of the experience, but he would get very angry at me and tell me to shut up. When I confided to him that I'm insecure about my appearance, his way of making me feel better was by saying, "I tell all my friends 'yeah, I get to f*** that' and they're so jealous!" Believe it or not, my self-esteem was so in the toilet that that comment actually made me feel *good*. The relationship was unhealthy and it ended in August of last year. He took me for granted. As a result I became very gaurded about how, when, and with whom I share my feelings. I started holding things in.

 

A month later I started seeing my RA. He told his friends that he wanted to marry me a few days after we began dating. He said he couldn't believe he met someone like me - "cool, funny, smart, beautiful". Then two weeks later, he said he wasn't over his ex and things ended. The next month I developed a crush on a guy at school, G. We spent every day and night together (didn't sleep together; I'm not like that). He said the same things to me, about how I'm an amazing girl, funny, beautiful, etc. A week into it, he broke things off, saying I'm "too laid back". For about three months, a guy at work had been trying to ask me out. He was a meathead and not my type at all (total pretty boy). He would call me on the wallphone and ask when we were going on a date. I gave in after things ended with G. We dated for a month, when he told me he didn't want a relationship because girls always dump him. I tried to tell him I wouldn't do that but he wasn't hearing it. We continued to date for two months until he said something that made me cry, on my birthday. So I broke up with him. This same guy who didn't want a relationship had a girlfriend a week after I ended things.

 

A week after my birthday, I went with to a party, just hoping to forget everything that had happened. Not expecting to meet anyone at all. And that's where I met L. L was everything I was looking for in a guy - smart, funny, down to earth, laid back. He said those same things to me that all the other guys did, and vocalized that he couldn't believe he had met someone like me and was so glad that he did. He asked me if I would move to Texas with him when he graduates. We were dating for a month and a half when he texted me that he didn't want to see me anymore, that he doesn't want to jump back into a serious relationship. I was shocked because after my past dating experiences, I let him make all the "emotional" moves. He told me about past relationships, asked me about mine, and confided in me. I felt used when he dumped me (via text msg!!), as we had had sex. He said he should've told me earlier that he didn't want a relationship. At that moment, I felt like an object. The anger I felt from all of the past dating realtionships swelled inside of me. So I said, "I guess you were thinking with the wrong head" - I've never said anything that mean to a guy. He responded with, "F*** you, you f***ing b****. You're pathetic and you'll make a piece of s*** cop. Luckily, you'll fit right in."

I liked him so much, and it's been nearly a month since he said that to me. I still cry sometimes out of longing.

 

What is wrong with me?! These guys tell me that I have these great qualities and then BAM, they dump me. It seems like guys fall quickly for me and then I lose my novelty? I feel like I'm just a cheap thrill.

 

Let me break it down for you : B was a crude man. For him to tell his friends " I f-----ed that , " he was not a good guy in the first place. You were right to walk away.

 

RA was a loser because he rushed everything ONLY because you were a rebound. He had lost his gf and he picked you , THEN he decided to get back together with her. So far the two guys were NOT even worth it.

 

G likely lost his spark for you. You mentioned being too laid back ( or he did ) . I don't know if that would make a guy leave but its likely you might be too easy going for some guys.

 

Meathead was a pretty boy. You hit the nail on the head when you say : That same guy who didn' want a relationship ending up with someone else. He just didn't want one with you. Don't be upset if I say it might be you. Not that you are doing anything wrong but you want to figure out how to make a guy spark when he sees you and he SEES you as someone he would want a long term relationship. Look at your demeanor around other men.

 

L sounds alot like you . A month and half later he is bye bye. I want to ask you : Are you giving sex up quickly ? With any of the above ? If you come off as lonely guys can smell that and they get what they want and then gone.

 

I had the exact problem and decided it was ME. I had to learn how to treasure my body and keep it for someone who would truly cherish me. It took a few YEARS but I found someone and we have been together nine months. Amazingly I found what I was looking for. We both feel the SAME. I want that to happen for you. I would like to see you take a deeper look at yourself. What are you saying to them ? What is your body language. Do you talk about past heartbreaks to them ? Guys dont want to know that early on..

 

It isn't you but it IS you. I say this because you are looking for a R. In order to get one you have to cherish yourself , be a COOL funny girl , don't RUSH the bedroom. ( not saying you did but if you did sleep quickly alot of guys think OK I got that so let me move on )

[engravefeelthevoid]

You are soo like me...gosh I've been through this...it only means that we're NOT bf/gf material...for a first look we do make people like us because we are DIFFERENT and people are not used to seeing ppl like us so they like what they see and they may actually hook up with us...but then on the long run they start to realise that we lack many of the qualities that most people want for a future partner (atleast at this age) I'm almost ur age and everytime I'm in a relationship the same thing happens to me...

 

People at this age dont want serious relationships...they think they do but they don't...for a bf/gf relationship it's mainly sexual and for fun...we're all laid back and calm and don't have that wild fighting spirit so people assume we're not fit for future lives...

 

Personally I got tired of pursuing a good relationship...I had a huge crush on a girl from my coutry who had all the qualities I wanted in a girl...I messed up and now I'm heart broken...I failed 2 subjects this semester bc of her and now people are talking abt me...I have to pay loads of money for a summer course and am wasting time instead of having a good summer vacation..my GPA is down and I'm emotionally broken...for what ???

 

It's not worth it now as one user said...pursue ur dreams now...forget abt guys just take a shortcut whenever things are clicking...when the time is right..people will realise that in life they want successful, mature and calm people who are us...hopefully this is true as I heared from many older people...

 

In the mean time I know ur suffering and I feel you trust me...try to lose it by going out with ur friends...pursuing ur dream and working out...as much as possible keep urself busy and don't think about guys...wish me luck aswell and keep me updated:)