Bachelor party...kissed girl in bar

[azbycx]

I'm engaged to my girlfriend of the past 5-1/2 years and we are getting married in a few months. At my bachelor party last weekend I was having lots of drinks and lots of good, innocent(-ish) fun. Nothing that I would be worried about telling her. I had about 13 drinks in around 8 hours, so I was pretty drunk by the end.

 

Then, at the last bar we went to, a girl approached me and, quite abrubtly, told me I was really cute and I could kiss her if I wanted to. I protested, telling her I was engaged. She continued to press the issue, repeating that I should kiss her, and acting really smooth and seductive.

 

I kissed her on the cheek to try and end it, but she said something like "you missed," and continued to try to seduce me. In a moment of weakness, I gave in and french kissed her for a few seconds, before thinking about my fiancee and pulling away.

 

She didn't stop though, and as much as I should have seen through her moves and just walked away, a tiny part of me was enjoying it a little, forcing me to stay and listen. I guess it was sort of that biological urge that made me want to find out how far I could get with her, while at the same time knowing that it was all wrong. I kissed her 3 or 4 more times, each time pulling away after 5 or 10 seconds and trying to rethink the situation.

 

Near the end, I remember that I reached my hand down her shirt, but then pulled away yet again. Who knows what would have happened next, but I caught a glimpse of one of my friends from the corner of my eye, and I started feeling even more guilty. He later told me that he could tell things might be getting a bit out of hand, and he asked if I needed to leave. I replied, definitely yes, and the four of us guys left the bar right away.

 

Now it is 2 days later and I am feeling terribly guilty about it. It certainly was not premeditated, and the whole time I was fighting a battle between my urges and my morals. I have convinced myself that it was an honest lapse in judgement, but my guilt comes from my fiancee not knowing what happened.

 

I think the best thing to do is to come clean about what happened before too much more time passes -- I don't want her to forever question what other things I could be hiding if and when she ends up finding out later. She'll have to decide for herself how to handle it, but I know there must be certain ways to break the news more gently than others. Do I share all the gory details in order to be totally open, or do I tell her only a short summary of what happened?

 

I just need some advice on the issue. I'll take it from both sides, but please be respectful when you reply.

 

Thanks.

[lora22]

Now it is 2 days later and I am feeling terribly guilty about it. It certainly was not premeditated, and the whole time I was fighting a battle between my urges and my morals. I have convinced myself that it was an honest lapse in judgement, but my guilt comes from my fiancee not knowing what happened.

 

"Our deeds determine us, as we determine our deeds." Your actions determine who you are, and they show others who you are. I believe you are defined by what you do - actions speak louder than words.

 

You cheated, even if it was "just" a kiss (more like groping and multiple frenching). Dude you should've just walked away from that girl!

 

If I were in her shoes, I would want the option of not hearing all the details - tell her you made out with a girl at the bar (it would be lying and underplaying what really happened to just say you kissed a girl), and chances are she'll ask for more info, but who knows, maybe she won't want to hear them.

[azbycx]

You cheated, even if it was "just" a kiss (more like groping and multiple frenching). Dude you should've just walked away from that girl!

 

If I were in her shoes, I would want the option of not hearing all the details - tell her you made out with a girl at the bar (it would be lying and underplaying what really happened to just say you kissed a girl), and chances are she'll ask for more info, but who knows, maybe she won't want to hear them.

 

You're right -- it certainly was more than just a kiss. And I should have walked away. But I got in too deep.

 

I'm curious about your situation. Are you involved with anyone? Have they cheated on you before? How would you feel or what would you do if someone you cared about made a mistake like this? Am I making the right decision by being open with her as soon as possible?

[Chibaby]

You had the choice to walk away, and you didn't. A drunk person has the choice of getting into a car and possible killing someone, or taking a cab home. Either way, the person is responsible for the actions whether under the infuence or not. Drinking is not an excuse. As far as I'm concerned, you need to tell your fiance what happend, and endure the consequences for better or worse. If you are not honest, it will haunt you. For her, she may love you so much it won't matter. The pressure of the upcoming wedding may mean she will still go through with it despite what happened, or it could be the end of your relationship. What you did will humiliate her. If you had just established your relationship or just began dating, it is much more forgivable and may not need to be disclosed, at this point being engaged, you are ultimatly in control of your actions, which have shown you may not be ready to be this commitment. She needs to know what she is getting into. At this point in your relationship, what would you do if she had kissed/groped someone else? Don't be selfish because you don't want to lose her. Ultimatly, if you are not honest, you will feel trapped. Honesty is key in a marriage. If it's meant to be, she will forgive you, if not, it is for the best and what happens is supposed to happen. Let karma take its course.

[mental_traveller]

You should tell your fiancee, so she can decide whether to marry you knowing the full facts, rather than being lied to for the most important day of her life.

 

If she doesn't dump you, then IMO you need to quit alcohol for the rest of your life, otherwise you will cheat again. Alternatively, if you want to keep drinking, never promise monogamy to anyone.

[MichelleS1983]

OMG - everyone's acting as though you took your grandmother out into the public square and shot her for target practice.

 

Give up alcohol forever? Jeez, how ridiculous.

 

Look, you screwed up. Even with that much alcohol in your system, you still knew it was wrong.

 

At least you have the decency to admit you were wrong and to have the guilt. Alot of men DON'T feel a shred of guilt or think they're even wrong if they get away with something. So that already puts you ahead of the pack.

 

You screwed up, no doubt about it. And you feel guilty. That's a good thing. At least you know the difference between right and wrong and have a moral compass that's telling you that you did wrong.

 

You'll have to tell your fiance what you did and hope that she forgives you. It's going to be a long bumpy ride, but you seem the type that isn't going to be able to take this secret to the grave.

 

I'm actually pleased to say you've restored a little of my faith in the male gender.

[mark982]

you gotta tell her.something tells me though,if you wouldn't of seen your buddy giving you the evil eye you might of taken things further.

[azbycx]

Some of these comments are pretty harsh. I appreciate the honest feedback, though, if that's how you feel. Unfortunately this is the only event by which you know me, so I probably look like a criminal.

 

What's already established is that I know what I did was the wrong thing to do. And I know that I should tell my fiancee. What I'm trying to sort out is how to approach the issue with her in a way that demonstrates how I truly feel about the event, and how pissed I am for letting myself do that...but also in a way that does not alter or omit the truth.

 

I'm actually pleased to say you've restored a little of my faith in the male gender.

 

Thanks for that comment. I don't have selective hearing for only the comments I want to hear, but it is nice to feel like less of a monster. Yikes. What an unpleasant situation all around.

[lora22]

I'm curious about your situation. Are you involved with anyone? Have they cheated on you before? How would you feel or what would you do if someone you cared about made a mistake like this? Am I making the right decision by being open with her as soon as possible?

I just broke up with my bf of a year, because he lied to me as a matter of fact. He may have cheated on me with his ex, and it's actually driving me crazy not knowing if he did or not...but he lied, and to me that's just as unacceptable as cheating.

 

I have been cheated on (for sure) by two other ex bfs, one of whom I was engaged to for a short time. We broke up for reasons other than cheating, because I suspected he had, but didn't find out for sure until we broke up. Dodged that bullet!

 

I think you definitely need to tell her - seeing as how I feel like I do about lying. Don't let this deter you from telling your fiance what you did, but I personally would be devestated, and I would really have to think about what I was going to do. The fact that you were honest would weigh into my decision. I would definitely wonder if you would've told me if all your friends hadn't seen it though. I would be humiliated that you disrespected me that way, and especially in front of people that we both knew, and who would be at my wedding.

 

I would also be furious that you knew it was wrong at the time, and you felt bad...yet you still didn't stop (let alone the part where you even started!). Of course...it would be equally as bad if you didn't feel bad or think it was wrong. I would be really pissed if you tried to blame the alcohol (I'm a big fan of personal responsibility). I would rip you a new azzhole for not walking away from that skank in the bar, and I would want to rip your friends new azzholes for not cockblocking you the second that b*tch started talking to you. I would accuse you of loving the attention this girl paid to you, and wanting to bone her (um hello, why didn't you just walk away!!), and I would scoff at your "I was pretty drunk, I had 13 drinks in 8 hrs" (you could count them, but you were really that drunk?), but you thought this girl was "smooth and seductive" - PLEASE DO NOT USE THE WORD SEDUCTIVE WHEN YOU TELL YOUR GIRL! Sounds like you knew just what was going on.

 

Anyways, I'm not judging you, but off the top of my head, that would be my reaction if I were your girl - be prepared for lots of anger and tears.

[lora22]

What I'm trying to sort out is how to approach the issue with her in a way that demonstrates how I truly feel about the event, and how pissed I am for letting myself do that...but also in a way that does not alter or omit the truth.

 

While you def. want to get across to your girl that you know you screwed up, didn't want to hurt her, etc., I would recommend making this about HER and how SHE feels, and not how you feel. If I were your girl I'd be like, I could give a sh*t less about your feelings, what about mine!

 

Honestly, I think all you can do at this point is be prepared for her hurt and anger, and don't become defensive when she becomes furious and accusatory. You need to be honest, and also maybe think about why you did what you did. Your gf will probably find "I know I should've walked away, but I got in too deep" to be an unsatisfactory answer.

 

I wouldn't mention exactly how much you drank, unless she asks. I'm a 110lb girl and I've had that much to drink in 8 hrs, plus it will make it seem like you're indirectly blaming being drunk for your actions, which isn't cool.

 

Don't bash the girl you hooked up with (calling her names like I did and like your gf probably will, or saying she was ugly, or anything else disparaging), because that will just seem insincere, whether or not it's true. On the other hand, don't go saying how hot or seductive she was either. If she asks though, don't lie to her. Just don't offer that information.

 

I hope some of this is helping you.

[azbycx]

lora22,

 

It is helping. I didn't expect every comment to be pleasant to hear. You are right about making it about her feelings and not mine. I can't blame the alcohol, you're right...and I can't blame my friends, because they were in the other room at first. The only thing I can blame is myself not being strong enough to encounter a tempting situation and resist it anyway. That's the part that bothers me the most, is that I thought I could be stronger than that. It certainly doesn't seem worth it now...in fact, it wasn't even worth it by the time I walked out of the bar.

 

I'm not going to bash the girl as a distraction, but I do feel a lot of anger toward her for persisting like that when she knew I was already committed. Ultimately it doesn't matter what she did...it's how I reacted to it. But I still hate that girl for putting me in this situation in the first place.

 

The more I talk and think about it, the more guilty I feel about it. I start to think about it from her perspective and how uncomfortable and upset it would make me feel if I saw her doing the same thing. The worst part is that I am 3000 miles away on a business trip, so I can't tell her for a couple more days (I'm not going to do it on the phone). I can't help but feel like I'm already lying too much by waiting this long.

 

On another note, I'm also scared about what could have happened if my friends hadn't stopped me. I was already having trouble resisting, so I'm almost nauseous thinking about what could have been. I'm scared to go out to a bar ever again.

 

What a nightmare. Not worth it at all!

[Dexter Morgan]

You had me thinking that you tried to do the right thing and after the first kiss and pulling away, that you realized what the hell you were doing.

 

But then you say you went for her boobs by putting your hand in her shirt.

 

Sorry....your urges came out, and your true self came out with the booze.

 

So yes, tell your fiance and pray she doesn't call off the wedding. Because if you can do this being drunk this early in the relationship, just wait til you go out with friends drinking when the marriage has some age on it and things aren't as new and exciting for you at home.

 

and who says bachelor/bachelorette parties are good clean fun:rolleyes:

[Dexter Morgan]

You're right -- it certainly was more than just a kiss. And I should have walked away. But I got in too deep.

 

I'm curious about your situation. Are you involved with anyone? Have they cheated on you before? How would you feel or what would you do if someone you cared about made a mistake like this?

 

I'd dump her.

 

 

Am I making the right decision by being open with her as soon as possible?

 

yes, even though the outcome may be she leaves you, she has the right to know what she is about to marry.

[Dexter Morgan]

OMG - everyone's acting as though you took your grandmother out into the public square and shot her for target practice.

 

Give up alcohol forever? Jeez, how ridiculous.

 

if he has proven he can't handle temptation while under the influence, then his fiance shouldn't have to put up with a drunk guy that can't say "no" to a woman.

 

Besides, alcohol brings out one's true character....brings out things they'd really want to do, just wouldn't do when sober.

[malibustacydoll]

Obviously you should tell her and only go into detail if she wants more. I just had a huge falling out with my long term boyfriend yesterday. He was going to propose soon apparently. He had a secret life and it is a long story if you want to read my post. You need to tell her and you need to tell her soon that is the only chance you have. If it comes out later she will never trust you again and will always have it in the back of her head. She will be angry and upset but you have to do it. If my boyfriend had told me shortly after and I didn't find out on my own I may still be with him today...

[boldjack]

Dude, This isn't the end of the world, but it should be a wake-up call for you. Yes, you need to make a full confession to your fiance, but you also need to reexamine your readiness for marriage. If you can kiss and grope a woman you hardly know, only months from your wedding day, what does that say about your level of commitment? What's going to happen when you are married and feel tempted again? IMO, you are , IN NO WAY, ready to be married. You don't seem to have the maturity.

[boldjack]

Look at it this way. If you had a daughter, would you want her to marry a man who would cheat on her and disrespect her, like you have done?

[lora22]

That's the part that bothers me the most, is that I thought I could be stronger than that. It certainly doesn't seem worth it now...in fact, it wasn't even worth it by the time I walked out of the bar.

You really need to think about why you did what you did.

 

If my guy told me he just wasn't strong enough to resist temptation, I would probably have to resist the urge to punch him in the face before I dumped him for good.

 

You shouldn't have put yourself in a position where something like this could happen. Period. You did though, so why?

 

Too bad you weren't angry at this girl in the bar when it mattered - which was the moment she continued flirting with you when you said you were engaged. Being angry at her after the fact is blaming her for your actions, rather than just taking responsibility for what you did, because let's face it, it's 100% your fault - she wasn't holding a gun to your head, ya know?

 

Was it a douche-y move for her to keep after you when she knew you were taken? Sure it was, but guess what? Your relationship and your fidelity aren't her concerns, and when you didn't walk away from her when she was "seducing" you, your mouth was saying "I'm engaged" but your actions were saying, "I want this to happen."

 

So you really need to think about why you did it, you owe it to yourself and your fiance before you get married. And trust me, she'll need an answer to that question.

[Dexter Morgan]

Look at it this way. If you had a daughter, would you want her to marry a man who would cheat on her and disrespect her, like you have done?

 

When the time comes, if a wife of one of my sons ends up cheating, she will not be allowed in my house from then on.

[Thornton]

I am going to say completely the opposite of everyone else: I do NOT think you should tell your fiancee.

 

Look at it this way: what is to be gained by telling her? You realise that you shouldn't have done it, and you've thought about it carefully and decided that it was just a drunken mistake and you really do love and want to marry your fiancee. You're sorry and you'll never do it again. Telling your fiance will accomplish nothing apart from breaking her heart and possibly ending your relationship, which is something neither of you really wants. The only thing telling her will accomplish is alleviating your guilt... and how selfish of you to break her heart simply to alleviate your guilt. You did it and you're sorry; move on and deal with the guilt, don't hurt your fiancee just to ease your conscience.

[lora22]

ITelling your fiance will accomplish nothing apart from breaking her heart and possibly ending your relationship, which is something neither of you really wants.

You can certainly infer that the OP doesn't want the relationship to end...but how could you possibly speak for his fiancee? Maybe she doesn't want to be in a relationship with a cheater, or a guy who disrespected their relationship and commitment the way the OP did? She has to have that option, IMO.

[azbycx]

Forgive me for possibly sounding selfish... But does everyone pretty much agree that what I have done is sufficient grounds for breaking off a relationship with the length and commitment of ours? I have to disagree, if so. I think there are way more variables than anyone here could know. I'm not a sleaze who sucks face with every girl I meet. I am a real person who cares deeply for his fiancée and made a mistake. Or does what I did trump all that?

[Dexter Morgan]

I am going to say completely the opposite of everyone else: I do NOT think you should tell your fiancee.

 

I'm not completely opposed to him keeping his mouth shut. But if he does, he needs to let her go.

 

He'll just end up doing this again after married life settles in. He has proven he can't resist temptation even in these early stages with her. What makes him think he can resist later on after the newness wears off?

 

 

Look at it this way: what is to be gained by telling her?

 

oh I don't know....honesty with your stb-wife? hell, he already has proven he can't handle the "forsaking all others" part. So if she does end up marrying him without knowing, I wonder what will run through his mind when that part of the vows is spoken *gulp*

 

 

You realise that you shouldn't have done it, and you've thought about it carefully and decided that it was just a drunken mistake and you really do love and want to marry your fiancee. You're sorry and you'll never do it again.

 

uh huh......i say bulls##t. if he can do this in the early stages of the relationship, it'll only get harder for him to resist temptation after he has been with the same woman for too awful long.

 

its the old 7 year itch, some people scratch it, some don't.

 

 

Telling your fiance will accomplish nothing apart from breaking her heart and possibly ending your relationship

 

thats just too bad. its a chance he should be willing to take if he wants to be honest with her and loves her. He'll be entering the marriage with a lie under his belt. I suspect if he gets away with it, there will be more.

 

 

which is something neither of you really wants.

 

what she probably wants is a fiance/husband that is faithful. I highly doubt she wants a cheater and a man that can't resist temptation.

 

 

The only thing telling her will accomplish is alleviating your guilt... and how selfish of you to break her heart simply to alleviate your guilt.

 

should have thought of that before betraying his fiance. he cheated, he is already selfish.

 

telling her isn't alleviating guilt, its giving her information she DESERVES to know about a man she is ready to say vows with.

[GorillaTheater]

Forgive me for possibly sounding selfish... But does everyone pretty much agree that what I have done is sufficient grounds for breaking off a relationship with the length and commitment of ours? I have to disagree, if so. I think there are way more variables than anyone here could know. I'm not a sleaze who sucks face with every girl I meet. I am a real person who cares deeply for his fiancée and made a mistake. Or does what I did trump all that?

 

I'm not sure I'm hearing "break it off" so much as I am "tell her the truth, and let her decide what to do with that knowledge". Big difference, and it really is the only way to make this right (to the extent that's possible). The other truth I hope you're hearing is to examine yourself, your motivations, and whether or not you're husband material. And if you don't like the answers you arrive at, improve yourself.

[Dexter Morgan]

Forgive me for possibly sounding selfish... But does everyone pretty much agree that what I have done is sufficient grounds for breaking off a relationship with the length and commitment of ours?

 

yes

 

 

I have to disagree

 

but of course YOU disagree...you are the cheater in this situation.

 

picture your stb-wife at a club, tongue down another guy's throat, and her trying to slip her hand in his pants to give him a palming.....now you tell me what you would do.

 

Ya, I know you'll say that you can forgive her and move on....because she didn't do this to you...as far as you know.

 

 

I think there are way more variables than anyone here could know. I'm not a sleaze who sucks face with every girl I meet. I am a real person who cares deeply for his fiancée and made a mistake.

 

come on...if you cared deeply for her, you wouldn't have made out with another girl, and wouldn't have tried to cop a feel.

 

 

Or does what I did trump all that?

 

to me, yes, it trumps it. but that is for your gf to decide.