Bachelor party...kissed girl in bar

[lora22]

Forgive me for possibly sounding selfish... But does everyone pretty much agree that what I have done is sufficient grounds for breaking off a relationship with the length and commitment of ours? I have to disagree, if so. I think there are way more variables than anyone here could know. I'm not a sleaze who sucks face with every girl I meet. I am a real person who cares deeply for his fiancée and made a mistake. Or does what I did trump all that?

 

I'm really not trying to sound judgmental, because I'm def. not judging you - if you didn't feel bad, yeah, I would be judging! But obviously that's not the case, and I don't know you or your fiance.

 

Is what you did grounds for breaking off an engagement? Of course it is, in and of itself. But as you pointed out, there are other variables, and two individuals that no one on this board knows involved.

 

I think my overall point is that chances are your fiance is going to want answers, and the biggest question is why did you do it? As a person that has been cheated on, I think you owe it to her to think about that question so that you have an answer for her.

 

That's just me. I have two married friends who actually thought that anything that happened at the bachelor party (short of oral/intercourse) was OK, because in their minds it was their guys' last chance before being with them for the foreseeable future.

 

Whatever you decide to do, and however you choose to say it, good luck, and I hope things work out the way they're supposed to.

[Dexter Morgan]

Forgive me for possibly sounding selfish... But does everyone pretty much agree that what I have done is sufficient grounds for breaking off a relationship with the length and commitment of ours?

 

and check the bolded word there. you know what it means? it means that after repeatedly telling this girl at the bar you have a fiance, that after her many wh0rish attempts to get you to piss on your commitment to your gf, that you should have easily been able to say "F##K OFF!" to her.

 

Or did you not want to hurt this slut's feelings?

[azbycx]

and check the bolded word there. you know what it means? it means that after repeatedly telling this girl at the bar you have a fiance, that after her many wh0rish attempts to get you to piss on your commitment to your gf, that you should have easily been able to say "F##K OFF!" to her.

 

Or did you not want to hurt this slut's feelings?

 

I had a feeling I would hit some nerves when I said "commitment". I don't believe things are so black and white as you keep saying. Where is that magic line where you can no longer be committed to someone? Is it kissing? An emotional conversation? A lustful glance? Watching a female on TV? It's different for everybody.

 

I feel a lot of judgement from you. What I hear from you is "cheaters deserve to burn in hell". Would it be better if I went to a strip club and had a naked girl on top of me?

 

Also this has nothing to do with the other girl's feelings. If there were feelings involved, I would be doubly cheating. I was angry with the girl, even as it was happening... I was arguing with her and defending my fiancee. But you're right, my major error was not directing those emotions toward my feet and walking away. I have no excuses for that.

 

Dexter Morgan, I am curious about your background. What is your relationship status? Have you been cheated on before? I think it would be interesting to know your story.

 

"If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone." John 8:7.

[spiracles]

you really don't want to rely on scripture to defend you. you came in here telling people that you knew what you were doing, you knew it was wrong, and you did it anyway. multiple times, in fact. you don't want to tell your girl, and you want someone here to agree with you. and i do. you probably shouldn't tell her, because she would think you are a sleaze-bucket and would never trust you again. one should hope you learn from this experience, but more likely (especially considering you are already trying to rationalize your actions), getting away with it will only make you more prone to cheating (and lying) in the future. so enjoy your marriage, just don't get mad when she cheats on you.

 

edited to add: 13 drinks in 8 hours is nowhere near a lot, btw.

[samsungxoxo]

If you decide not to tell her (which I think you should do, it's not like you sleep with the girl or had oral) then make sure that the friend who saw you keeps his mouth shut and that you don't leave anything on your email or accounts talking about it. And off course never bump into that girl again along with either not drinking at all or if you drink, only go for 2 drinks or less.

If I was in your finacee's position unless the drunken cheating involve oral, anal or having full blown sex with another girl, I would not want to know about a drunken kiss and/or french kiss.

[boldjack]

First off, to all the posters who say that the op being drunk is an excuse. How would you react if your SO got drunk and kissed and felt-up somebody at a bar or got felt-up? Op , you disrespected your fiance, you made out with another woman and now you are asking whether or not to tell her the truth. Is this how you are going to start your marriage? Cheating, lying and dissing? . Not to mention that you are never going to keep this a secret. It happened at a bar, your friends saw it and will tell their friends, the girl you groped will probably tell her friends as well. The most mature thing you can do now, is to tell your fiance all and take your lumps like a man. Remember BEING DRUNK IS NO EXCUSE!!!

[azbycx]

Okay, I think I've gotten just about all the advice I need on this topic.

 

Being drunk is not an excuse, but it certainly had an influence on my actions, so it's part of the story.

 

I have gotten some really useful advice, but now I'm just trying to defend myself from all the attacks. I feel bad enough about it on my own without everyone else's two cents about how I'm immature, not ready for commitment, and a life-long cheater. That stuff is not helpful.

 

So thanks to everyone who offered useful and constructive comments. I'll check back in here after I've talked with her. Yes I'm going to tell her.

[samsungxoxo]

First off, to all the posters who say that the op being drunk is an excuse. How would you react if your SO got drunk and kissed and felt-up somebody at a bar or got felt-up?

First of all I don't remember seeing any poster saying that getting drunk was an excuse. We all agree that what he did was wrong but that doesn't mean you have to overly mentioned the same thing again and again when he was clearly asking for what the best of telling would be and it's clearly that he is showing guilt already.

 

And lastly I would not, I repeat I would not want to know about it if my boyfriend did that. I would only wanna know if it was oral, anal, or sex or unless the kissing/making was done while sober. So no I would not wanna hear about a drunken making out session. I rather he keeps that to himself.

[Queen of Hearts]

Forgive me for possibly sounding selfish... But does everyone pretty much agree that what I have done is sufficient grounds for breaking off a relationship with the length and commitment of ours? I have to disagree, if so. I think there are way more variables than anyone here could know. I'm not a sleaze who sucks face with every girl I meet. I am a real person who cares deeply for his fiancée and made a mistake. Or does what I did trump all that?

 

No, I do not agree. Just learn from this and take the steps to make sure it doesn't happen again. I honestly don't think it's that big of a deal. You are beating yourself up about it more than anyone else could. I think that if you tell her it is only going to cause problems. You are not married, YET. If you do something like this after you are married then there is a need to confess. That's my $0.02.

 

The long and short of it is, IMO, if I was your girl friend and you did this, I would not want to know, if you know in your heart of hearts you will never do it again. There would be no need to go through all the trauma and drama that will unfold in revealing the situaiton. How ****ty will it be for you and her to have to be worried about everytime you want to go hang out with friends if she isn't going to be around.

 

If you think this is something that might happen again, then you need to reevaluate your relationship and not make the next step with her.

[boldjack]

OP, I never said that you were a "life-long cheater", but did question your readiness for marriage. If you tell your fiance, then you are being honest and showing her respect, which is all that I was in favor of you doing.

[samsungxoxo]

Interesting how many make a big fuzz about a ''drunken kiss/make out'' like it was the end of the world that, that is your true colors.

 

Had he slept with that girl then yes in that case the girlfriend deserves to know as that's very serious. But a one time carry away ''drunken kisses'' at a party, big deal.

[Dexter Morgan]

I had a feeling I would hit some nerves when I said "commitment". I don't believe things are so black and white as you keep saying. Where is that magic line where you can no longer be committed to someone? Is it kissing?

 

yup

 

 

An emotional conversation?

 

no, unless the emotional conversation is conveying emotional and physical attraction and pretty much engaging in an emotional affair.

 

 

A lustful glance? Watching a female on TV?

 

I'd say no.

 

 

It's different for everybody.

 

sure, but you can play it off however you want. there is no "magic line" when it comes to the obvious.

 

making out, kissing, and going for another girl's tits shows that you don't know the meaning of the word committment, and you pissed on your committment to your gf.

 

If I'm wrong, then tell your girlfriend everything you told us...she should be ok with it and feel that you didn't break the "committment".......right?

 

So tell her and get back with us.

 

 

I feel a lot of judgement from you. What I hear from you is "cheaters deserve to burn in hell".

 

Nope, not to burn in hell, but the deserve to be dumped by the person the f#cked over.

 

 

Would it be better if I went to a strip club and had a naked girl on top of me?

 

You can try to switch the topic up all you'd like to downplay what you did.

 

and going to a strip club is just as highly disrespectful...while if it is considered cheating is debatable....but still not showing any respect for a committed partner.

 

Nice try.

 

 

Also this has nothing to do with the other girl's feelings. If there were feelings involved, I would be doubly cheating.

 

nice try again.....the other girls "feelings" or intentions have nothing to do with the FACT that you DID cheat.

 

Doubly cheating?...LMFAO.

 

 

I was angry with the girl, even as it was happening

 

LMFAO again! Oh my...this is too much.

 

 

 

But you're right, my major error was not directing those emotions toward my feet and walking away. I have no excuses for that.

 

well geez, if you can make out with a girl you are mad at, god help your fiance when you get with a girl you aren't.

 

 

Dexter Morgan, I am curious about your background. What is your relationship status?

 

divorced a cheating x-wife.

 

 

"If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone." John 8:7.

 

When it comes to cheating, I am without that sin. Never cheated, never will. Never screwed someone elses wife, never will....knowingly anyway, and if I ever find myself with someone that lied about their marital status, its over.

[Dexter Morgan]

If you decide not to tell her (which I think you should do, it's not like you sleep with the girl or had oral) then make sure that the friend who saw you keeps his mouth shut and that you don't leave anything on your email or accounts talking about it. And off course never bump into that girl again along with either not drinking at all or if you drink, only go for 2 drinks or less.

 

how about he stop drinking and never go out clubbing, bar hopping, or anything of the sort again unless fiance/wife(*gulp*) is with his.

 

He has proven he can't handle temptation.

 

 

If I was in your finacee's position unless the drunken cheating involve oral, anal or having full blown sex with another girl, I would not want to know about a drunken kiss and/or french kiss.

 

good job sam!! you just gave him hope to be able to repeat his actions in the future!!!

[Dexter Morgan]

I have gotten some really useful advice, but now I'm just trying to defend myself from all the attacks. I feel bad enough about it on my own without everyone else's two cents about how I'm immature, not ready for commitment, and a life-long cheater. That stuff is not helpful.

 

well its apparent that it doesn't really matter what advice you get or how you are getting it. You aren't going to tell your fiance, you are going to keep her in the dark, and she is going to end up marrying someone that disrespected and betrayed her.

 

 

So thanks to everyone who offered useful and constructive comments.

 

and those comments you will completely ignore because you are scared to man up and tell your fiance the truth, the truth which she deserves.

 

 

I'll check back in here after I've talked with her. Yes I'm going to tell her.

 

Oh, I bet you will, and I'm sure you will water it down to make it look like you did nothing wrong and try to tell her it wasn't cheating.

[Dexter Morgan]

Interesting how many make a big fuzz about a ''drunken kiss/make out'' like it was the end of the world that, that is your true colors.

 

well hmmm, he said he was mad at that girl for trying....then ended up making out with her, going for her tits, all the time he was peaved at her....ya...ok.

 

point is, he must be that easy. I had actually had a similar thing happen to me which ended up with me looking a girl straight in the eye with a disgusted look on my face saying something to the effect, trying to recall, "what part of I have a gf don't you understand?"

 

 

Had he slept with that girl then yes in that case the girlfriend deserves to know as that's very serious. But a one time carry away ''drunken kisses'' at a party, big deal.

 

had his friend not intervened, he just might have slept with that girl. He was going for some goodies before that.

[TudorII]

Let's not forget that the very nature of a bachelor party is geared towards a last night out as single. The enviroment, the friends, the tone of the party can make the strongest and most faithful of people be off their game and guard even if only momentarily. Are his actions excusable or condoned, NO.

 

Some people do actually learn from their mistakes and not knowing the OP we can either give him credit for hopefully being one of those people or write him off as a serial cheater for life. If this experiences makes him stronger by realizing what he could loose and make his commitment to her even stronger then not all is lost. I don't think there is anything gained by telling her if she does not inquire. If she asks and he boldly lies that nothing happened then that is of course not right. But just voluntarying the information if she is not asking is not necessary. People make mistakes but I personally believe their character is not soley defined by those mistakes but whether they learn from them and how they pick themselves back up.

[Dexter Morgan]

I don't think there is anything gained by telling her if she does not inquire.

 

well then I guess he can cheat again and keep his mouth shut. As long as she doesn't ask eh?

 

no consequences, no change. next time a girl really, REALLY tries to get him to break his committment....he'll do it again since he didn't feel the heat from it the first time and risked losing someone he claims to care about.

[TudorII]

Dexter I understand your position and do not disagree to a large degree. But you are so quick to write the OP off before giving him a chance to grow and learn from this as a person. People make mistakes whether through actions or words. He clearly recognizes his mistake which is a good thing. You assume once a cheater always a cheater and I think that is hard line to take not knowing any more then we do about this person. If he truly recognizes his mistake he will learn not to put himself in temptations path again or maybe, just maybe he will be stronger because he relizes what he could have lost by not resisting. I think you feel that none of this can be gained unless he tells her which is just not the case. I am all for honesty but there are always going to be situations that are better left unsaid and it us to each their own to know what those those situations are.

[samsungxoxo]

good job sam!! you just gave him hope to be able to repeat his actions in the future!!!

Well as bad as it sounds when I say I don't wanna know about something, I gotta be respected for that. If you told someone on several occassions that you don't wanna hear it, yet the person to relieve his/her guilt tells you anyways then that's when you're not getting your wishes respected.

 

I'm curious as to why you downplayed my answer (as well as those that know they messed it up and are looking for solutions) and expect everyone to think and reason like you when it comes commitment issues. I have the rights on not wanting to know about something also.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter I understand your position and do not disagree to a large degree. But you are so quick to write the OP off before giving him a chance to grow and learn from this as a person. People make mistakes whether through actions or words. He clearly recognizes his mistake which is a good thing. You assume once a cheater always a cheater and I think that is hard line to take not knowing any more then we do about this person. If he truly recognizes his mistake he will learn not to put himself in temptations path again or maybe, just maybe he will be stronger because he relizes what he could have lost by not resisting. I think you feel that none of this can be gained unless he tells her which is just not the case. I am all for honesty but there are always going to be situations that are better left unsaid and it us to each their own to know what those those situations are.

 

come on tudor, all it took was a little coaxing from this girl and in minutes he had his tongue down her throat and his hand in her shirt.

 

and all the while he was mad at her while doing it:rolleyes:

 

And if its not such a big deal, and I'm so far off base, then there shouldn't be any problem in him telling her and giving her the honesty and respect she deserves as a woman who is and will be forsaking all others.

[Dexter Morgan]

Well as bad as it sounds when I say I don't wanna know about something, I gotta be respected for that. If you told someone on several occassions that you don't wanna hear it, yet the person to relieve his/her guilt tells you anyways then that's when you're not getting your wishes respected.

 

I'm curious as to why you downplayed my answer

 

because you are not his fiance. If you don't want to hear about it and are ok with being cheated on without knowing it, hey, thats your choice.

 

 

(as well as those that know they messed it up and are looking for solutions) and expect everyone to think and reason like you when it comes commitment issues.

 

why wouldn't he think like me on this committment issue? I guess he really doesn't, in a reply to him he severly tried to downplay what he did and thinks there is some "magic line" when crossing committment and attempted to insinuate that what he did lies in some gray area.

 

Hey, he can tell himself whateve he wants to justify considering it not a big deal.

 

So again, if he doesn't think its a huge deal, and no reason to break off a relationship, and doesn't think he broke his "committment", then he should have no problem being honest and telling her about it......right?

[lora22]

I don't think there is anything gained by telling her if she does not inquire. If she asks and he boldly lies that nothing happened then that is of course not right. But just voluntarying the information if she is not asking is not necessary.

I don't disagree with everything you've said.

But are you ******* kidding???!!! I would hope to god girls aren't expected to go around asking their bfs/fiances/husbands if he cheated every time he goes out with his friends for a night of male bonding and drinking. That is incredibly lame.

[TudorII]

come on tudor, all it took was a little coaxing from this girl and in minutes he had his tongue down her throat and his hand in her shirt.

 

and all the while he was mad at her while doing it:rolleyes:

 

And if its not such a big deal, and I'm so far off base, then there shouldn't be any problem in him telling her and giving her the honesty and respect she deserves as a woman who is and will be forsaking all others.

 

I'm not discouting his actions, they are a big deal and out of line. And you are making some big presumptions as to her character with out knowing these people. The reality is we loose people either through death, by driving them away with our mistakes, etc. That is what makes life matter and why the peope we love are cherished. Your position is that he should tell her so that there are consequenses to his actions. Let's say he does and she does leave him. Could it not be possible that you create the same behavior that "if" there is a next time he won't say anything because he knows he could loose the next woman again?

 

Telling her could go down many ways but I don't think a lesson learned here is only learned by breaking her heart unnecessarily. It was a bachelor party, a lot women know that they are not going to like what that involves and choose not to ask or know for that reason no matter how innocent it may have been. Same for men. The very nature of the outing is not something most couples looking forward to hearing about not because they don't trust their spouse but because the position their friends put them in as a tradition, the enviroment, etc puts them in on that outing. But if asked you should always be honest.

 

You obviously have a very strong opinion on this which you have clearly stated. But that doesn't mean you get to try and tear down every other opinion given just because it doesn't match your own. The point of the forum is for people to get multiple opinions but not for everyone to be debated into joining just one. I respect your opinion and healthy debate is a way to broaden one's self but at some point it is ok to agree to disagree.

[lora22]

It was a bachelor party, a lot women know that they are not going to like what that involves and choose not to ask or know for that reason no matter how innocent it may have been. Same for men. The very nature of the outing is not something most couples looking forward to hearing about not because they don't trust their spouse but because the position their friends put them in as a tradition, the enviroment, etc puts them in on that outing.

This makes it sound like you have a very limited and stereotypical idea of what bachelor parties are.

 

They can be and are a lot of different things, and maybe I'm out on a limb here, but I'd even go so far to say that the trend in recent years has been a lot less about strippers and having one last night of behaving badly and doing questionable things.

 

On top of that, in this particular instance, I don't recall the OP saying anything about his bachelor party other than that it was drinking with his buddies, which implies bar to me. It's not like they rented a hotel room and hired strippers, and he made out with a stripper while in that position that his friends put him in.

[TudorII]

This makes it sound like you have a very limited and stereotypical idea of what bachelor parties are.

 

They can be and are a lot of different things, and maybe I'm out on a limb here, but I'd even go so far to say that the trend in recent years has been a lot less about strippers and having one last night of behaving badly and doing questionable things.

 

I'm no way justifying his actions just because it was bachelor party. And I agree not all are the same and I have even attending couple parties where everyone goes out as a group instead of seperate outings.

 

The question is should he tell her? And normally I would say absolutely yes, you should always give your spouse the honesty and respect they deserve. But I think in this situation you have someone that clearly recognizes their mistake and wants to do the right thing. The right thing is not just about telling her but being a better person and having more respect for his relationship and himself moving forward. If and only if that can be gained then I can see how there may no need to hurt her for the sake of just being honest if she is not even asking. That doesn't give anyone the right to do it on any giving night out and use it as an excuse to be unfaithful...."but honey I learned from it". NO I'm just saying that in this instance I think the lesson learned is what matters and hurting her does not make the lesson any more learned. I'm trying to give the OP credit for coming here and asking for help and recognizing his mistake. Not chastise him and lable him as a failure and cheater for life. Trust me living with the guilt can be more of cross to bare then telling her for a lot of people.