Bachelor party...kissed girl in bar

[Dexter Morgan]

Telling her could go down many ways but I don't think a lesson learned here is only learned by breaking her heart unnecessarily.

 

then I guess he could keep his mouth shut, and when the time comes for him to say the vows, he can do so knowing that they are bulls##t.

 

 

It was a bachelor party, a lot women know that they are not going to like what that involves and choose not to ask or know for that reason no matter how innocent it may have been. Same for men. The very nature of the outing is not something most couples looking forward to hearing about not because they don't trust their spouse but because the position their friends put them in as a tradition, the enviroment, etc puts them in on that outing. But if asked you should always be honest.

 

so unless asked, being dishonest is perfectly acceptable?

 

and if the answer is that it is not acceptable.....well??......

[samsungxoxo]

because you are not his fiance.

I know and neither are you.

 

why wouldn't he think like me on this committment issue? I guess he really doesn't, in a reply to him he severly tried to downplay what he did and thinks there is some "magic line" when crossing committment and attempted to insinuate that what he did lies in some gray area.

 

Hey, he can tell himself whateve he wants to justify considering it not a big deal.

 

So again, if he doesn't think its a huge deal, and no reason to break off a relationship, and doesn't think he broke his "committment", then he should have no problem being honest and telling her about it......right?

He is not Dexter Morgan and it's clearly that all you see is black and white while forgetting that there can be grayish areas. It's kinda like a child that serious commits a crime and instead of rehabilitation you put him life in prison with no parole. By doing that you're not giving them a chance to redeem themselves. You're saying that there is no hope at all and why live, you should always be punish.

 

Now he did state he will tell her so if he wants to be honest, ok that's a great start.

Now Dexter apart from your ''strict moral'' rules of cheating, commitment, ex wife that cheated on you and whatsoever which apparently you try to impose that on every single damn post (repeating the same thing over and over), apart that you never or would never cheat try to hypothetically imagine that you had cheated on a girlfriend or wife (the same thing the OP did), I'm saying hypothetically would you still be carrying the same principal of honesty in the relationship and tell her right away or not?

[Dexter Morgan]

He is not Dexter Morgan and it's clearly that all you see is black and white while forgetting that there can be grayish areas.

 

Ok, point out the gray area in the following. Man is engaged. man makes out with woman at bar, sticks his hand in her shirt.

 

I'm sure some would see this as not cheating:rolleyes:

 

 

It's kinda like a child that serious commits a crime and instead of rehabilitation you put him life in prison with no parole.

 

your analogy doesn't work. he can go on and have a life, he may just lose his current girl. Nothing saying he can't start over with someone else in the future.

 

he can tell her and let the chips fall where they may, and if she dumps him, that is not analogous to a "life in prison". Its like being forced to pay a fine, and move on with his life.

 

 

By doing that you're not giving them a chance to redeem themselves. You're saying that there is no hope at all and why live, you should always be punish.

 

 

No, Im saying come clean, give the girl the information she deserves about a man she is about to give her life to. If she dumps him over it, he can live, just not with her.

 

 

Now he did state he will tell her so if he wants to be honest, ok that's a great start.

 

ya, assuming he tells her the truth and doesn't try to play it off as if he didn't cheat.

 

 

Now Dexter apart from your ''strict moral'' rules of cheating, commitment, ex wife that cheated on you and whatsoever which apparently you try to impose that on every single damn post (repeating the same thing over and over), apart that you never or would never cheat try to hypothetically imagine that you had cheated on a girlfriend or wife (the same thing the OP did), I'm saying hypothetically would you still be carrying the same principal of honesty in the relationship and tell her right away or not?

 

see the underlined part of your bolded statement. If I had cheated, there is no honesty in the first place.

 

But thats just it, I'm speaking from the viewpoint of someone that doesn't cheat and never has....and that never will.

 

I suppose yes, if I had cheated I might be a chickensh#t and not want to tell....but I'm not going to be in that position ever.

[TudorII]

then I guess he could keep his mouth shut, and when the time comes for him to say the vows, he can do so knowing that they are bulls##t.

 

 

 

 

so unless asked, being dishonest is perfectly acceptable?

 

and if the answer is that it is not acceptable.....well??......

 

I'm pretty sure I remember the vows being "from this day forward" not looking back to the past. If he can't say the vows knowing he might cheat again or even open to the idea then he has no business getting married. I am married myself and I take those vows very seriously. And maybe that is why I think if he has learned from this experience then maybe he is going into this marriage better then he was before.

 

Being dishonest is not just about telling or not telling your spouse. What I think you are missing and failing to give any credit for is that he is being honest with himself which is every bit as important as being honest with his spouse. If he off's and tells the spouse just because he feels guilty and because everyone tells him it is the right thing to do but fails to truly recognize his mistake and learn from it, then what was the point in even telling her. She may forgive him but if he wasn't honest with himself then nothing has been gained. I think the bigger value is whether or not he has learned from this and if he has then maybe, and that is just my opinion, there is no need to break her heart. I'm sure she would like to benefit to some degree from the lessons he has learned from this. Would she rather it not have happened, absolutely. But marriage is a tough road and if they get to go into it being better equiped then they have an even better shot of success. Telling her will likely not call of the wedding and just create trust issues from the beginning and this marriage is destine for failure with out trust.

[Dexter Morgan]

I'm pretty sure I remember the vows being "from this day forward" not looking back to the past.

 

ah, so since the vows have not been said yet, no harm no foul eh?

 

I guess the engagment ring she is wearing doesn't entitle her to fidelity just yet.

 

 

Being dishonest is not just about telling or not telling your spouse. What I think you are missing and failing to give any credit for is that he is being honest with himself which is every bit as important as being honest with his spouse.

 

No, its not. Important it is, but not as important as being honest with someone you claim to love and care about. but hey, thats me.

 

Lots of cheaters are honest with themselves and never plan on doing right by their partners.

 

Its admirable that he is honest with himself. Great.

 

 

If he off's and tells the spouse just because he feels guilty and because everyone tells him it is the right thing to do but fails to truly recognize his mistake and learn from it, then what was the point in even telling her.

 

 

If he fails to recognize a mistake and learn from it, then its all the more reason to tell, cuz otherwise he'll just keep cheating right?

 

And i know, if he realizes the "mistake", the argument is that he won't do it again. Well he can't resist temptation. The only way for him to make sure it doesn't happen again is to remove himself from those social situations. You think that is going to happen or he will stand for not being able to go out and get drunk with his buddies?

 

I do have to commend his buddies. Most jackass bachelor party goers would root him on. Its a good thing his one buddy stopped him. going for some melon might not have been all that happened.

 

 

She may forgive him but if he wasn't honest with himself then nothing has been gained.

 

if he wasn't honest with himself, which makes my point above kind of moot, he isn't going to tell her anyway.

 

 

I think the bigger value is whether or not he has learned from this and if he has then maybe, and that is just my opinion, there is no need to break her heart.

 

Then he needs to be prepared to refrain from going out to bars/clubs and drinking with friends then. Because that is the only way he can ensure it won't happen again.

 

 

I'm sure she would like to benefit to some degree from the lessons he has learned from this. Would she rather it not have happened, absolutely. But marriage is a tough road and if they get to go into it being better equiped then they have an even better shot of success. Telling her will likely not call of the wedding and just create trust issues from the beginning and this marriage is destine for failure with out trust.

 

oh I don't know about that. I think it is blind trust and being a fool that allows the other spouse to more easily be comfortable in certain settings...if that spouse truly has the cheater in them deep down somewhere.

 

I think a small amount of jealousy, not rabid, and a small amount of cynicism is needed. Otherwise the blind trust is taken for granted, believe me, I know! Nobody was more trusting in a marriage than me.

[samsungxoxo]

Ok, point out the gray area in the following. Man is engaged. man makes out with woman at bar, sticks his hand in her shirt.

I know what he did was wrong but it wouldn't have the same impact on the fiancee had he slept with the other girl. You can't put all in one bag. Sharing your whole body and/or doing the other serious sexual acts (oral, anal, manual masturbating or petting) can't be compare to kissing/making out.

your analogy doesn't work. he can go on and have a life, he may just lose his current girl. Nothing saying he can't start over with someone else in the future.

I was trying to point out how your position is extreme. The similarity between them is that you believe in the ''once a cheater always a cheater'' phrase thus meaning that they will never learn what commitment is and boy I bet that if there was a government law on referring the label ''I cheated once on my SO'' that every single cheater would have to wear and you were the authority then you would make that into a law wouldn't you??

Same with the child inprison for life, that right there is saying ''Oh no once an child offenders always one, you will be an offender as a grown up too, there is no hope for you ever''.

With the cheater if there was a new law on them being single for life I bet you would make that law and reinforce it. Don't you think people can changed ever?

see the underlined part of your bolded statement. If I had cheated, there is no honesty in the first place.

I know that, this is why I ask what if that commitment had been broken (hypthetically speaking).

I suppose yes, if I had cheated I might be a chickensh#t and not want to tell....but I'm not going to be in that position ever.

Right because it would contradict you and your character totally, going against what you are always imposing here (thus you would failed as a cheater, you would become like them, keep them to themselves, thus once again going against your whole Dexter's honesty principles). I know you're strong on this commitment thing, that's why I say hypothetically, pretending you're the OP (not the strict one, meaning you) and get into him for a sec and as you see it wouldn't be an easy task.

[stace79]

Okay, maybe I'm nuts, but if you were my fiance (and I am currently engaged), I don't think I would want you to tell me, ASSUMING:

 

1. You could swear on my life it would never happen again.

2. You love me so much and truly 100% want to marry me.

 

I feel like you only feel the need to tell because YOU feel so guilty. When I was seeing a counselor awhile ago, I went through a situation that I felt horribly guilty about (not cheating). She told me that it is never the right thing to tell someone something just because YOU feel guilty. That is selfish, if you are just trying to alleviate your own guilt.

 

I would not tell your fiance unless you truly don't want to get married. Perhaps your actions were a result of your subconscious screaming at you that this marriage isn't right??

[bean1]

If OP regrets this and will not do it again (a question that only HE can answer), then let it be. I'm not so sure about the guilt factor here (a succubus got you in her claws?) but it's foolish to say that once a cheater, always a cheater. Nothing is black and white. I'd say it's likely, but not always true. There have been many recoveries from infidelity (much worse scenarios than the OP's). OP, if you are going to not do this ever again (and be honest with yourself), then make sure of it. Make sure you are ready for this commitment.

[TudorII]

 

oh I don't know about that. I think it is blind trust and being a fool that allows the other spouse to more easily be comfortable in certain settings...

 

I think a small amount of jealousy, not rabid, and a small amount of cynicism is needed. Otherwise the blind trust is taken for granted, believe me, I know! Nobody was more trusting in a marriage than me.

 

 

I think this says alot about you and the hard line in your opinon you are taking which make more sense now. I appreciate your conviction towards faithfulness but I sense your experiences in life have left you some what jaded.

[Dexter Morgan]

I know what he did was wrong but it wouldn't have the same impact on the fiancee had he slept with the other girl. You can't put all in one bag. Sharing your whole body and/or doing the other serious sexual acts (oral, anal, manual masturbating or petting) can't be compare to kissing/making out.

 

I wouldn't care if a SO of mine kissed another guy, or full on boffed him. She'd be history. She would have proven she can't be trusted.

 

 

I was trying to point out how your position is extreme. The similarity between them is that you believe in the ''once a cheater always a cheater'' phrase thus meaning that they will never learn what commitment is

 

Its obvious he doesn't know what committment is as he is trying to downplay what he did.

 

That aside, I think he can learn, but it just might take losing someone, or the fear of losing someone to do it.

 

If he were to keep his mouth shut, ....there is no risk. Therefore he dodged a bullet and no real lesson learned.

 

But sounds like he will tell...question is, will he play it off as no big deal and tell a half truth to cover up what really happened?

 

 

and boy I bet that if there was a government law on referring the label ''I cheated once on my SO'' that every single cheater would have to wear and you were the authority then you would make that into a law wouldn't you??

 

I wouldn't mind it. Kind of like requiring sex offenders to register themselves:eek:

 

 

Same with the child inprison for life, that right there is saying ''Oh no once an child offenders always one, you will be an offender as a grown up too, there is no hope for you ever''.

 

now which ass are you pulling this tangent from?

 

 

With the cheater if there was a new law on them being single for life I bet you would make that law and reinforce it. Don't you think people can changed ever?

 

possibly, but not without consequences.

 

 

I know you're strong on this commitment thing, that's why I say hypothetically, pretending you're the OP (not the strict one, meaning you) and get into him for a sec and as you see it wouldn't be an easy task.

 

well hmmm......I'm not going to be a murderer either, but you aren't going to see me trying to see it from their point of view.

[Dexter Morgan]

Okay, maybe I'm nuts, but if you were my fiance (and I am currently engaged), I don't think I would want you to tell me, ASSUMING:

 

1. You could swear on my life it would never happen again.

2. You love me so much and truly 100% want to marry me.

 

I feel like you only feel the need to tell because YOU feel so guilty. When I was seeing a counselor awhile ago, I went through a situation that I felt horribly guilty about (not cheating). She told me that it is never the right thing to tell someone something just because YOU feel guilty. That is selfish, if you are just trying to alleviate your own guilt.

 

I would not tell your fiance unless you truly don't want to get married. Perhaps your actions were a result of your subconscious screaming at you that this marriage isn't right??

 

Here is the thing, if he can be so easily swayed by someone who doesn't care if he is married, engaged, whatever....then what do you think is goign to happen when he is out with his buds about 5 to 7 years from now and a woman relentlessly hits on him all night and the newness of his marriage has worn off? I am assuming things are still relatively new and exciting with his fiance, so what about years from now when she is wife and later on kicks into mother mode?

[Dexter Morgan]

I think this says alot about you and the hard line in your opinon you are taking which make more sense now. I appreciate your conviction towards faithfulness but I sense your experiences in life have left you some what jaded.

 

Not jaded, more aware, guarded yes, and know that trust coming out of ones eyeballs will just get one walked all over.

 

I've had a couple relationships since being divorced. I trusted them, but not blindly.

[azbycx]

Wow, what an exciting day on the message board! I've certainly missed a lot. Please read my whole post before replying line-by-line.

 

Dexter Morgan, I feel for you. You have had your heart broken and it has clearly affected the way you live your life. So I do not envy your situation, and I'm sorry it has affected you so deeply.

 

I guess I just have to put things into my own perspective. If my fiancee did something like this, it would be a very uncomfortable situation for me, because I would have to imagine her lips on another guys lips, something I imagined her doing only with me. But I also would have to step out of my own self and see it through her eyes, and try to determine whether she still loved me and it was just a mistake, or whether she was cheating because she had lost interest in our relationship. That would be the hard process we would have to go through.

 

I am not the sort of person who likes to apply an all-or-nothing approach. It's like a sex-ed class that teaches only abstinence. A kid says "Whoops, I had sex, now what? Nobody told me what to do." The school basically implies that if you slip up, you just live with getting pregnant or getting a disease because that's your punishment. Well pregnancy or death is a pretty tough way to learn a lesson.

 

So Dexter, I'm saying that I disagree with your philosophy on how it should be handled. But you disagree with me as well, and that's fine. We don't need to convince each other. I won't judge you, but please don't judge me either.

 

I wouldn't care if a SO of mine kissed another guy, or full on boffed him. She'd be history. She would have proven she can't be trusted.

I would be scared to be in a relationship with you, lest I make a mistake and you press the eject button, no questions asked. I think you have to bounce back a little and practice some forgiveness. Forgiveness is an important aspect of love; revenge and punishment are going to be nowhere in the vows I read.

 

He has proven he can't handle temptation.

I've proven that temptation is a difficult enemy, and that I gave in last weekend. NOT that I can never resist it. This is why we learn from our mistakes. I can tell you that the next time a girl tries to kiss me in a bar, I won't be forgetting about the agonizing guilt that arrives about 10 seconds later.

 

Again, you are entitled to your opinions. I'm trying to have a healthy discussion, so no need for a personal attack.

[azbycx]

In response to the rest of the discussion... I've been hearing more people in the last day saying that they would NOT tell her. Even one who said that advice came from a professional counselor. I understand the rationale, but why does this feel so wrong to me? I feel like it goes against my belief in being totally open, even at the risk of bringing her down as well.

 

Sometimes life is not pleasant, but I would rather be told and know that I dealt with something on my own, rather than be sheltered like a child from all news that is unpleasant to hear.

 

What are your thoughts on that?

[lora22]

I'm going to let other people handle that question, because in this regard I am just like you - I like to own up to my actions, even though that can sometimes be hard to do, and I expect people in my life to do the same.

 

I hope you find the guidance you're looking for, and the strength to do what's right for you and your fiance.

[samsungxoxo]

Ok Dexter since you're so much into bashing all cheaters and that they should forever have that to life with and no good life of their own, this is tough one here....

 

Ok I think you got children and you found out that one of your child cheated and/or is currently cheating on their SO (who is a nice person) but later regret it deeply. What can you do there, bash your own child (deny them, not talk to them again), and tell them to tell the truth or support them into keeping quiet??

[stace79]

Here is the thing, if he can be so easily swayed by someone who doesn't care if he is married, engaged, whatever....then what do you think is goign to happen when he is out with his buds about 5 to 7 years from now and a woman relentlessly hits on him all night and the newness of his marriage has worn off? I am assuming things are still relatively new and exciting with his fiance, so what about years from now when she is wife and later on kicks into mother mode?

 

Honestly, I think you have some serious issues to deal with as you can't post your OPINION and let others do the same, and instead you hijacked this poor guy's thread trying to cram your particular beliefs down everyone else's throat.

 

The guy asked for opinions; you gave him yours and I'm giving mine. If you can't let it go at that, then YOU are the one with a serious problem.

[stace79]

In response to the rest of the discussion... I've been hearing more people in the last day saying that they would NOT tell her. Even one who said that advice came from a professional counselor. I understand the rationale, but why does this feel so wrong to me? I feel like it goes against my belief in being totally open, even at the risk of bringing her down as well.

 

Sometimes life is not pleasant, but I would rather be told and know that I dealt with something on my own, rather than be sheltered like a child from all news that is unpleasant to hear.

 

What are your thoughts on that?

 

I would not want you to tell me, assuming that your feelings for me are intact and you definitely want to go through with the marriage. If your infidelity was due to a problem in our relationship, you were having second thoughts, etc. then definitely you should tell.

 

Look at it this way: your fiance obviously loves you. She accepted your proposal and has planned a wedding with you. She wants to spend her life with you. If you still want to marry her, you love her fully and you intend to never let this type of "slip" occur again, then all you are doing by telling her is ripping her heart out and initiating a very LONG period of mistrust and insecurity.

 

I would prefer NOT to know, because if you did tell me, I'd forever be wondering what you are doing when you are out with friends, when I couldn't reach you on your cell phone, when you come home a little later than expected. You are giving her a reason to mistrust you, and that will tear her up inside. Trust me, I know.

 

It may seem dishonest to you, or not being "open", but what you are really doing is protecting her feelings and her heart. It will break her heart if you tell her, even if she still chooses to marry you.

 

If you do decide to tell her, I would be prepared for the worst -- either she'll dump you or you will be in for a long road of earning her trust back. I would be prepared with a list of counselors you could see, both individually and together.

 

My opinion still remains the same though -- if this was truly just a "slip" during a drunken night of debauchery, and it will never happen again, DO NOT tell her.

[boldjack]

Samsung, If any of my sons ever cheated on their so's, they had better buy new pants, because I would tear them a new a**. That won't happen, because I raised them right. In our household, integrity is the ultimate virtue, lying, the ultimate sin.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter Morgan, I feel for you. You have had your heart broken and it has clearly affected the way you live your life. So I do not envy your situation, and I'm sorry it has affected you so deeply.

 

No need to feel for me. My experience has made it so that I have made the decision to not be walk all over again. Simple as that.

 

I still believe in a loving relationship and trust anyone until given a reason to not trust...again, simple as that.

 

 

I would be scared to be in a relationship with you, lest I make a mistake and you press the eject button, no questions asked.

 

Cheating isn't a mistake, cheating happens because the cheater wants it to happen. Sure they might feel remorse after, but so what?

 

There would be questions asked, it wouldn't be that black and white.

 

For instance, if I had found out a woman of mine kissed another guy, but come to find out the guy is the one that initiated it, and my gf backed him off...much different than a woman of mine at a bar swallowing another guy's tongue and reaching down his pants. If that is the scenario, then questions don't mean anything. It was cheating, pure and simple.

 

 

I think you have to bounce back a little and practice some forgiveness.

 

I can forgive, but forgiving doesn't mean I want to or should stay with that person. I can forgive them and they can go on and learn their lesson and apply it to a future relationship so they don't f##k that one up.

 

 

Forgiveness is an important aspect of love

 

No, fidelity and staying faithful is.

 

 

revenge and punishment are going to be nowhere in the vows I read.

 

what about "forsaking all others"? and if those vows are broken, the marriage can be, and rightfully so, dissolved by anyone that has been betrayed.

 

Seems that people conveniently forget and look over the "forsaking all others" part.

 

 

I've proven that temptation is a difficult enemy, and that I gave in last weekend. NOT that I can never resist it.

 

You did this in the early stages of your relationship with a woman that is getting ready to give you her life.

 

What do you think would happen down the road when your relationship isn't as new any longer and a little of that spark is gone? If a woman like this in a bar can tempt you now, you'll be hella vulnerable once a 7 year itch comes into play.

 

So you can't say you won't do it again. Only one way you can be sure. don't go out drinking with buddies again, bars/clubs are for single people, and if you do go out drinking....bring your wife along.

 

think you can handle that?

 

 

This is why we learn from our mistakes. I can tell you that the next time a girl tries to kiss me in a bar, I won't be forgetting about the agonizing guilt that arrives about 10 seconds later.

 

alright then.

[Dexter Morgan]

Ok Dexter since you're so much into bashing all cheaters and that they should forever have that to life with and no good life of their own, this is tough one here....

 

Well I guess you read what you want, because its obvious you glossed over this when I replied to this notion the first time. see below:

 

Samnsung: It's kinda like a child that serious commits a crime and instead of rehabilitation you put him life in prison with no parole.

 

 

Dex:your analogy doesn't work. he can go on and have a life, he may just lose his current girl. Nothing saying he can't start over with someone else in the future.

 

he can tell her and let the chips fall where they may, and if she dumps him, that is not analogous to a "life in prison". Its like being forced to pay a fine, and move on with his life.

 

 

Ok I think you got children and you found out that one of your child cheated and/or is currently cheating on their SO (who is a nice person) but later regret it deeply. What can you do there, bash your own child

 

yes, they'll get a major tongue lashing from me, and I wouldn't have any problem telling my son that he doesn't deserve a wonderful woman if he is going to cheat on her.

 

 

(deny them, not talk to them again), and tell them to tell the truth or support them into keeping quiet??

 

i'd tell them to tell the truth. I would not support them if they decided to continue to lie and keep their spouse in the dark.

[azbycx]

I would prefer NOT to know, because if you did tell me, I'd forever be wondering what you are doing when you are out with friends, when I couldn't reach you on your cell phone, when you come home a little later than expected. You are giving her a reason to mistrust you, and that will tear her up inside. Trust me, I know.

 

It sounds like this has happened to you before? And your SO told you?

 

What if you had found out later from one of his friends that something happened? Would you be pissed that he hid the facts from you, or would you be happy that he was courageous enough to swallow the guilt and move on without hurting you?

 

I'm a little conflicted about this now. It's just so counterintuitive.

[stace79]

It sounds like this has happened to you before? And your SO told you?

 

I'm a little conflicted about this now. It's just so counterintuitive.

 

Not this precise situation, but my current fiance, when we first got together, was still not over his ex. Instead of just keeping our dating casual, he told me every detail about how he cared for me but was still in love with his ex.

 

He finally realized she didn't want to be with him, got together with me, and right away she started pursuing him again. He broke up with me to be with her, but still lead me on telling me how much he liked me but he had to "find closure" with her first. Anyway we got back together after several months, but had a very rocky relationship, because he insisted on "staying friends" with her. Needless to say I never trusted him. I was always freaked out when his phone rang or he had a text, thinking it was her. When I couldn't reach him on his phone, I literally would panic, thinking maybe she had tried to come see him or something (she lives two hours from us).

 

I finally broke up with him this year. When I did that, he realized how important I was to him so he cut off all contact with her and now we are engaged and doing great.

 

So my recommendation comes from knowing how much it tore me up knowing my fiance had been with someone else. Worrying over that literally made me sick for awhile -- I couldn't eat hardly anything and dropped 30 pounds in one month. Could never sleep either.

 

I just feel if you make up your mind to never cheat in any way again, and you still intend to marry this girl, you are not doing her any favors by telling the truth, especially if she has no idea there was any impropriety.

 

What if you had found out later from one of his friends that something happened? Would you be pissed that he hid the facts from you, or would you be happy that he was courageous enough to swallow the guilt and move on without hurting you?

 

Do you think anyone is going to tell? If you are freaking out b/c you think someone in your group of friends will spill the beans, then I change my opinion and you should tell her. If she is able to find out from anyone besides you, then yeah, that would be worse.

[lora22]

You're the one that knows your fiancee. Do you think she assumed something like that might happen at your bachelor party, and would therefore rather not know the details; or do you think she would want to know so she has the option of making the decision for herself, whether that be if she trusts you, wants to still marry you, wants to go to counseling, etc.?

 

Would she still have agreed to marry you had she known that this would happen?

 

How do you think your girl would feel if she found out down the road from one of your buddies, of one her friends who your buddy was gossiping to?

 

Like Dexter, I feel very strongly that she should know about this, because it is an issue that most likely would have a huge impact on how she feels about you. It seems selfish of you to not tell her, IMO. I really disagree that the selfish thing to do is tell her and suffer in silence, and I don't think stace or samsung have made a compelling argument for that case.

 

But, ultimately, you're the one who knows the parties involved, and you're the one who has to decide what the right thing for you to do is. I think in making this decision it's most important to consider your girl's feelings and forget about yourself and what you want.

 

I think someone else asked this, and I don't recall you addressing it; you certainly don't have to post an answer to this, but I also think you should consider how you would feel if the situation were reversed, and what you would want your girlfriend to do.

[lora22]

Not this precise situation, but my current fiance, when we first got together, was still not over his ex. Instead of just keeping our dating casual, he told me every detail about how he cared for me but was still in love with his ex.

I really disagreed with your advice (which is fine, obv. it doesn't matter if I agree or not), but wow. Your situation sucks, and I'm sorry it was so hard for you, but your situation is not even remotely close to the OP's. Your situation was so difficult for you because it involved your bf having FEELINGS for someone else and a RELATIONSHIP with another girl.

 

Even though I disagreed with what you said, I thought you made some decent points; knowing this makes me want to go back and reread.