Bachelor party...kissed girl in bar

[redfathom]

I think the longer you wait to tell her the less likely it is that you do tell her.

 

Be honest, accept what you did. You made bad descision, several times, even admiting to knowing that it was a bad descision. You pushed the envelope again and again with this other woman. Your friends had to come in and save you from yourself...

 

You couldn't even admit the full details to strangers when you stated you "kissed" someone else. If you can't be honest with yourself and strangers, then how can you be honest with your soon to be WIFE!?

 

Come clean and let her decide if she will forgive you. Stop asking total strangers if they think she will forgive you, at which point you will tell her.

 

You owe her the truth, everyone here can give you their opinion (like I am) but in the end you have to do what is best for your fiance, not you, not us, not anyone but her.

[stace79]

I really disagreed with your advice (which is fine, obv. it doesn't matter if I agree or not), but wow. Your situation sucks, and I'm sorry it was so hard for you, but your situation is not even remotely close to the OP's. Your situation was so difficult for you because it involved your bf having FEELINGS for someone else and a RELATIONSHIP with another girl.

 

Even though I disagreed with what you said, I thought you made some decent points; knowing this makes me want to go back and reread.

 

Thanks.. it was an awful situation. Honestly thinking about everything it is such a long shot that he and I are actually engaged now. But when I finally decided I'd have enough and drew the line, he was forced to choose. Anyway that's not the story for this thread!!

 

I guess my opinion actually depends on the OP's intentions. If he means what he says and truly insists it will never happen again and it has nothing to do with the relationship, if I was his fiance I would want him to keep it to himself.

 

However like I said earlier, perhaps it's a sign that he's not really ready for this commitment. If it's this scenario, then yeah he should tell her and also at minimum postpone the wedding.

 

I don't mind people disagreeing with me. It happens all the time. haha

[Dexter Morgan]

It sounds like this has happened to you before? And your SO told you?

 

What if you had found out later from one of his friends that something happened? Would you be pissed that he hid the facts from you, or would you be happy that he was courageous enough to swallow the guilt and move on without hurting you?

 

 

funny you should mention this. my xW didn't tell me she cheated while we were engaged. And she thought the same as you, that it was a "mistake" and that she would never tell me. I found out from a friend of hers that she pissed off years ago, she told me what she had done.

 

So basically she had the guts to cheat, but didn't have the guts to come clean about it and I went into a marriage with someone I really didn't know and wouldn't have wanted to stay with if I had found out.

 

And then later on when more problems arose out of her inability to come clean and never learn for lack of an real consequences to her, two beautiful kids were now caught up in the middle of it all......nice eh?

[Dexter Morgan]

Like Dexter, I feel very strongly that she should know about this, because it is an issue that most likely would have a huge impact on how she feels about you.

 

And if his fiance finds out down the road somehow after she married him, she just might feel trapped with no outs if she doesn't want to go through the pains of divorce.

 

better to give her the knowledge and let her decide how to proceed BEFORE she says vows and lets him say them to her.

 

who knows, she may forgive and move on. But if she wouldn't have forgiven him, then he just trapped her.

 

I'm wondering, is this a small town bar, local...big city? Because if one thinks their partner won't find out....think again. Some people think their partner will NEVER find out...and in this case, his buddies know.

 

And they will be standing up there with him vowing to support the marriage. Well I'd probably be hanging my head if i were one of the groomsmen knowing that there is a big secret that the unsuspecting bride to be doesn't know.

[AlektraClementine]

I'd like to chime in here.

 

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with Dexter's views on cheating. I would be a happy woman if I knew for certain that my fiance (yes Dexter, he proposed) had Dexter's morals and views on cheating. How comforting it would be to know that I had NOTHING to worry about.

 

Recently, I posted a thread about having an attraction to another man. While Dexter was very harsh with me, I can say that his advice was absolutely invaluable. My relationship is stronger now because I took the route of being completely honest. And I hadn't even crossed a physical line in my case.

 

OP - if I were your fiance, I would want the information. For you to protect that information is for you to take away your fiance's right to make her own decision based on the circumstances. Why are you the only one in this equation who gets that right? That's just selfish.

 

If you don't tell her, you are making her mind up for her. I told my then boyfriend about my thoughts and actions and gave him the opportunity to decide for himself if it was cheating and if he wanted to stay with me. Luckily for me, he stayed. And we've gotten soooo much stronger.

 

Listen to Dexter. He knows what he's talking about.

[Dexter Morgan]

I'd like to chime in here.

 

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with Dexter's views on cheating. I would be a happy woman if I knew for certain that my fiance (yes Dexter, he proposed) had Dexter's morals and views on cheating. How comforting it would be to know that I had NOTHING to worry about.

 

Recently, I posted a thread about having an attraction to another man. While Dexter was very harsh with me, I can say that his advice was absolutely invaluable. My relationship is stronger now because I took the route of being completely honest. And I hadn't even crossed a physical line in my case.

 

OP - if I were your fiance, I would want the information. For you to protect that information is for you to take away your fiance's right to make her own decision based on the circumstances. Why are you the only one in this equation who gets that right? That's just selfish.

 

If you don't tell her, you are making her mind up for her. I told my then boyfriend about my thoughts and actions and gave him the opportunity to decide for himself if it was cheating and if he wanted to stay with me. Luckily for me, he stayed. And we've gotten soooo much stronger.

 

Listen to Dexter. He knows what he's talking about.

 

thing is, I know people think I'm harsh for the sake of being harsh, but some people really need a good slap upside the head.

 

you were one of the few that weren't going to do the right thing until someone smacked ya and said, "snap out of it".

 

glad to hear about your proposal and glad you did the right thing.....because the coddling you were getting from others led you to think what you were doing was no big deal.

 

again, congrats.

 

And the statement above that I bolded, ....hit the nail on the head.

[azbycx]

Telling her is the harder thing for me to do. Keeping it to myself is the easiest thing for the present moment, but in the future it may do much more damage. This sure sounds an awful lot like the situation I was in at the bar... and I think we all know what the right decision was there.

 

It's clear that I'm trying to get total strangers to convince me I'm not a bad person in order to take away the guilt, but I know inside that I have already made up my mind that I'm going to tell her.

 

By the way, I've waited so long because I was out of town and couldn't see telling her on the phone as the best option.

 

Lora22: If she did something like this to me, it would not be enjoyable for me to hear about, but I would want to know. I don't like secrets. The truth is, I'm a pretty forgiving person (as if you can't gather that already) and I would likely have a long talk with her (not TO her) about what happened, why it happened, and how it can be prevented from happening again. But I would not break up with her, especially if she told me.

 

I can only hope that I have chosen to be with someone who believes similarly.

[Dexter Morgan]

Telling her is the harder thing for me to do. Keeping it to myself is the easiest thing for the present moment, but in the future it may do much more damage.

 

I guarantee in the future not telling will do more damage. Been there, done that.

 

 

This sure sounds an awful lot like the situation I was in at the bar... and I think we all know what the right decision was there.

 

yes, that would have been to tell the tramp to go to hell after repeatedly telling her you have a fiance.

 

 

It's clear that I'm trying to get total strangers to convince me I'm not a bad person in order to take away the guilt, but I know inside that I have already made up my mind that I'm going to tell her.

 

good. She might leave....but then she might stay. Either way, its better than if, or more likely when, she finds out AFTER you are married. That won't be pretty at all, that I can promise you.

 

 

By the way, I've waited so long because I was out of town and couldn't see telling her on the phone as the best option.

 

Lora22: If she did something like this to me, it would not be enjoyable for me to hear about, but I would want to know. I don't like secrets. The truth is, I'm a pretty forgiving person (as if you can't gather that already) and I would likely have a long talk with her (not TO her) about what happened, why it happened, and how it can be prevented from happening again.

 

Ok, how do you think a repeat offense can be prevented from happening again? Because just saying that one will not allow it to happen again isn't going to cut it. You have to change social interactions, behaviors, and refrain from doing things....such as not going to bars/clubs.

 

to me the only way to truly prevent it, is to remove yourself from social settings where pickups and hookups are pretty much expected.

 

 

I can only hope that I have chosen to be with someone who believes similarly.

 

Who knows, you may get lucky and you get just that. But you have to show her in action that it won't happen again....so stay away from the drinking buddy nights out. And if you think that is an unreasonable expectation.......then you'll need to remind me why you are getting married in the first place.

[stace79]

Ok, how do you think a repeat offense can be prevented from happening again? Because just saying that one will not allow it to happen again isn't going to cut it. You have to change social interactions, behaviors, and refrain from doing things....such as not going to bars/clubs.

 

to me the only way to truly prevent it, is to remove yourself from social settings where pickups and hookups are pretty much expected.

 

....so stay away from the drinking buddy nights out. And if you think that is an unreasonable expectation.......then you'll need to remind me why you are getting married in the first place.

 

Sorry, but completely avoiding places or events where pickups may happen is impossible. You can't expect your spouse to barricade him/herself in the house to avoid the possibility of someone else hitting on them.

 

Besides, relationships are built on trust. If you can't trust your spouse to have a drink with a couple of guy friends and NOT fall prey to some conniving manipulative woman, then you shouldn't be married to that person.

 

Getting married should not mean you cut off all interactions where impropriety is a possibility. If that's the case, then my fiance can no longer work, because his line of work requires that he be friendly and meeting new men and women all the time.

 

He has to learn self-discipline WITHIN those interactions, not just avoid them at all costs!

[AlektraClementine]

Sorry, but completely avoiding places or events where pickups may happen is impossible. You can't expect your spouse to barricade him/herself in the house to avoid the possibility of someone else hitting on them.

 

Besides, relationships are built on trust. If you can't trust your spouse to have a drink with a couple of guy friends and NOT fall prey to some conniving manipulative woman, then you shouldn't be married to that person.

 

Getting married should not mean you cut off all interactions where impropriety is a possibility. If that's the case, then my fiance can no longer work, because his line of work requires that he be friendly and meeting new men and women all the time.

 

He has to learn self-discipline WITHIN those interactions, not just avoid them at all costs!

 

Some people already have those disciplines. Some people, like the OP, do not. Hasn't he already proven that he doesn't. Am I the only one who caught that he's been with his fiance for 5+ years? 5 years is a long time to get "used" to those disciplines.

 

You're right, not everyone needs to stay away from tempting environments. Because some are so resolute in their commitment that it's not a threat. Let me ask you this. If your fiance told you that he was at one of his events and ended up making out with someone. Let's say you forgive him. Would you still be as comfortable when he wasn't with you back in those environments?

 

The point I'm making (which I feel like I'm beating to death) is that in the OPs case, he really should think about avoiding certain social activities. He can't trust himself. And his fiance can't either.

[stace79]

My thinking, then, is if he can't control himself then he should rethink the concept of marriage and more specifically his fiance. Maybe she's not the right one for him if he doesn't value her over any ol' floozy in a bar.

 

Some people already have those disciplines. Some people, like the OP, do not. Hasn't he already proven that he doesn't. Am I the only one who caught that he's been with his fiance for 5+ years? 5 years is a long time to get "used" to those disciplines.

 

You're right, not everyone needs to stay away from tempting environments. Because some are so resolute in their commitment that it's not a threat. Let me ask you this. If your fiance told you that he was at one of his events and ended up making out with someone. Let's say you forgive him. Would you still be as comfortable when he wasn't with you back in those environments?

 

The point I'm making (which I feel like I'm beating to death) is that in the OPs case, he really should think about avoiding certain social activities. He can't trust himself. And his fiance can't either.

[Dexter Morgan]

Sorry, but completely avoiding places or events where pickups may happen is impossible. You can't expect your spouse to barricade him/herself in the house to avoid the possibility of someone else hitting on them.

 

not talking about barricading. Anyone can be picked up anywhere....but there are some places where its really expected and one of the sole reasons people go.

 

he can go out with a friend to the movies, maybe a bite to eat, golfing, fishing....whatever. As far as I'm concerned, there is no real good reason to go to a bar/club when you are married.

 

there are lots of things he can do with friends that don't involve drinking and clubbing.

 

 

Besides, relationships are built on trust. If you can't trust your spouse to have a drink with a couple of guy friends and NOT fall prey to some conniving manipulative woman, then you shouldn't be married to that person.

 

BINGO!!!!!!! thanks for making my earlier points.

 

 

Getting married should not mean you cut off all interactions where impropriety is a possibility.

 

debatable impropriety alone......no,

 

obvious and improper social interactions by design?....yes.

 

and analyze the word you used....basically to be improper......if he is an "improper" setting as a married/committed man, uh.....well......?

 

 

 

If that's the case, then my fiance can no longer work, because his line of work requires that he be friendly and meeting new men and women all the time.

 

going to work is not what the word "impropriety" refers to.

It is not "improper" to go to work and it isn't improper to be cordial and professional to the opposite sex.

 

as opposed to bars/clubs where people go there knowing that social interaction that deviate from professionalism with the opposite sex are more than certain.

 

You can't compare work to a nightclub and I can't even believe you are attempting to try.

 

 

He has to learn self-discipline WITHIN those interactions, not just avoid them at all costs!

 

Thats like going to an orgy without any ideas of getting all jiggy wit it.

[Dexter Morgan]

My thinking, then, is if he can't control himself then he should rethink the concept of marriage and more specifically his fiance.

 

BINGO again!! couldn't have said it better myself.

 

 

Maybe she's not the right one for him if he doesn't value her over any ol' floozy in a bar.

 

damn, you are on FIRE!!!!!!

[Sexy Kitty]

I enjoy reading your posts Dexter Morgan. You are right on with everything

[Sexy Kitty]

Should have told the sl*t to get lost. That's why bachelor parties are no good. People do stupid things they regret. Was this all worth it? Have you told your fiance yet?

[Dexter Morgan]

You're right, not everyone needs to stay away from tempting environments. Because some are so resolute in their commitment that it's not a threat.

 

I agree. And then you have some that aren't resolute in their committment that it is a threat....those that have proven they can't handle being in certain social settings. And thats when it is highly inappropriate for them to be in those situations....if they respect the person they cheated on in the first place that is:o

[Dexter Morgan]

I enjoy reading your posts Dexter Morgan. You are right on with everything

 

 

well, I will have to admit that some, and yes only some, of my posts are driven by emotion because I just can't believe alot of the crap I hear from people.

 

It just amazes me how there will be those out there that will cheat on their so-called significant other, then pretend they know whats best for the person they betrayed. I'm always astounded by that.

[stace79]

Dexter I get what you are trying to say, but cheating can start from anywhere. I mean, it's just as likely my SO could meet some hot woman who might try to hit on him via his job as by going out to a bar. That's just his line of work.

 

Also, I don't feel like getting married means I can never go have a drink at a bar with a bunch of my girlfriends, or all of us go with a group of friends.

 

Getting married doesn't have to equal relegating your life to an old person!

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter I get what you are trying to say, but cheating can start from anywhere.

 

I agree, just like there are tons of things that can hurt/kill me out there.

 

But you aren't going to see me jumping into the lion pit at the zoo. Talk about suicide.

 

Same thing with cheating, it can happen anywhere, ....but why jump into a lion pit?

 

 

Also, I don't feel like getting married means I can never go have a drink at a bar with a bunch of my girlfriends, or all of us go with a group of friends.

 

It shouldn't....as long as you have proven you can handle the situation.

 

 

Getting married doesn't have to equal relegating your life to an old person!

 

Don't have to. I go to a casino here and there with my buds, golf, we play baseball in a league...etc.

 

I don't see the need to go to a bar/club unless I'm looking to pick someone up...and even then I don't go because I don't want what I'd get at a bar.

 

point was, there are tons of things friends can do with their friends when married.....why does going to a meat market seem to be a right of passage?

[Snowflower]

Read this thread with interest and a bit of a lump in my throat-it hits close to home.

 

OP - I think you should tell your fiancee about your bad decision. I don't think it is a deal-breaker (although only your fiancee can decide this) but I think it is best that a marriage start with absolute honesty. I also believe that you can and have learned from this experience--this might save you from making a more serious 'mistake' later if you are ever confronted with a similar situation again. You know what you're capable of when you have too much alcohol and hopefully have learned from it.

 

Perhaps as Dex says, you should make the commitment to avoid bars or clubs as a married man, unless your wife is present. It would be a good way to prove your commitment to your fiancee.

 

Dex - I don't always agree with your posts...I was a BS who gave my WS a second chance. But I do agree 100% with the fact that a WS loses certain "privileges" especially drinking in certain social situations such as bars.

 

My H can no longer go out drinking without me. As part of my expectations for our reconciliation, he had to give this up. It wasn't a huge problem before his A--it wasn't like he was always at the bar, but he proved he couldn't handle certain situations. He cheated on me when he was drunk. He has willingly given up this "privilege" of going out for drinks with friends in order to have a chance with me.

 

I have never liked the idea of going "clubbing" once married. It seems to invite trouble...I thought this even before my husband's ONS.

 

OP - Tell your fiancee, and be willing to do whatever she asks to regain/keep her trust.

[Alma Mobley]

I often think that Dexter is a bit rigid, but I can say he is consistent. Gotta admire him for that.

 

I agree with Dexter on this post. I think that since the OP ended up at a bar making out with a woman who he, at the time, even despised, is a bad sign for his marriage. Yes, he was drunk -- but how does this bode for his marriage? He hasn't even married the woman yet, but he is nevertheless tempted by skanks in bars!?

 

Dexter was spot-on on asking about what would happen in 10, 15 years into the marriage.

 

I think this is a sign that the OP is NOT ready to be married. Or at least not to the woman he is engaged to. If he can be swayed to cheat on her in a bar so very easily, he is not ready to be married.

 

OP, think about this -- are you really ready to be married? Forsaking all others and all that jazz?

 

Also, I think he should tell his fiancee. I would want to know, and she has the right to know. She needs to know what she is getting into and make her own choices.

[missdependant]

I love that you act like you had no choice in the matter. You could have gone to another bar, walked away.. you could have completely ignored her and made it much more obvious that you had no desire to do anything with her. You have no self control or resilience to temptation. Will this be different when you are married?

 

I see in your post that you are trying to justify what happened with excuse upon excuse.. but that does NOT change what happened. Unless she had physically tackled you to the ground and literally forced herself upon you, there is NO excuse. You did something morally wrong, and your girl will probably be devastated.

 

Onto the question..

 

Yes, you tell your girlfriend stat. You give her EVERY single detail she desires to hear about and know. You did a terrible, terrible thing. She will be absolutely heartbroken when you tell her.

[hoping2heal]

My bf said the wisest thing I've ever heard someone say in my life, okay he's said a few of the wisest things, but I'm going to stick with one right now.

 

He said that everyone makes a choice to take the hard route or the easy way, if you take the easy way than you are just like everyone else. You know why he said that to me? Because at the time, I was making decisions "just like everyone else" I was taking the easy road on a lot of things, now I always think about his words and make an effort at doing what's right (which is almost always the hard road, at first) it builds charachter.

 

Wether it was a kiss, a grope, or flat out effing, you proved that when you're in that moment, you'll do what's easy. The best thing you could do for yourself? Is do some soul searching, and see wether or not there's still time in your life to become the guy who takes the hard road instead. As for your fiance, she deserves to know the truth, and the longer you hold out on her the more devestating the betrayel is going to be.

[Mr Smith]

You cannot cheat if you are not married. Not like you shafted her all night, which some cultures do. This is between you, her, and God. Sometihng similar happened to me, but I down played it as my relationship was rocky. Different strokes for different folks. You want to ruin something over such a small issue, or keep it in the back of your mind of how fortunate you are to have her. You are on the front line here , and have to make this call.

[azbycx]

I talked to my fiancée last night. I told her the same thing I said in my original post. She asked for some details, and I gave her what she asked for, but I also volunteered all the key facts, so there is nothing more that could come out of the story that I feel I have omitted.

 

Because of traveling and other events that have gotten in the way, I have had the "luxury" (?) of having a whole week to think about it. Not a pleasant week, but it has been beneficial, because I can tell that my personality has already changed. When I see a woman now (on the street, at work, or in a restaurant), all I think of is "how could I even imagine or visualize doing anything with her when I have a fiancée at home who loves me? What more could I get from this woman that I couldn't get from my fiancée?"

 

I can write a script for how last Saturday night should have gone that would satisfy me much more. I would tell the girl I'm engaged, resist her advances, physically push her away as she got close, and make her feel embarrassed for being rejected. Then I would walk away with my head held high, feeling complimented that I could still attract that kind of attention, but thankful that I know that my fiancée is the one and only person is that gets to enjoy it. I would go back to my friends, close our tab, and leave with pride knowing that I had a fun night and resisted temptation. I would go home, kiss my fiancée, and then move along with my life.

 

It didn't go that way. But I'll always remember how much *more* satisfied I could have felt by taking the high road, and how guilty and sick I felt by following an impulse instead.

 

I can't trust myself in a bar without her for a while, and even though I shouldn't have to *avoid* temptation to *resist* it, that is likely the best option until I (and she) can trust me again. I won't be drinking to excess anymore unless she is with me, because I've found out the hard way that no good can happen when I stop controlling myself and instead let myself *be* controlled by whatever or whomever happens to walk in front of me next… unless the person who walks in front of me is my fiancée. If I do come into that situation again, I will look to my wedding ring and remember this event, and think hard about how very, very not-worth-it my impulses would actually be.

 

The outcome of our conversation is about what I expected. We talked, she cried, she felt anger, disappointment, discomfort, and sadness. I cried, and felt remorse, sickness, guilt, and fear. We talked for several hours. I told her all the things I talked about in the above paragraphs, and I convinced her (and myself) that I would need to make all the changes I mentioned. Ultimately it was a very graceful discussion, and there were no engagement rings thrown across the room, no screaming, no slapping in the face.

 

She forgave me and told me that she was happy I had the courage to tell her, but that things would be pretty weird for a while as she sorted through her feelings. We are still getting married, and although things are still quite uncomfortable, she kissed me this morning and said "God forbid, if something were to happen to one of us and I never see you again, I want you to know that I love you and I forgive you." I’m very lucky to have someone like her.

 

Thank you for the advice, everyone. It has been helpful to reflect with you.