carhill Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 Just one more reason to take it slow Link to post Share on other sites
Author lizzylizliz Posted June 5, 2009 Author Share Posted June 5, 2009 Just one more reason to take it slow It's hard to take it slow when I haven't even seen hi since Monday. Psrt of me just wants to cut it off now, and stop the wondering...but then, I guess I'll be wondering what might have been if I do. It's such a sucky situation. If he doesn't want me, I wish he'd just be clear, and cut me loose. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 Only person in charge of you is you. When he's self-medicating, you are not on his mind. There are good weeks and bad weeks. If you want to stay in this, accept that. If not, let him go. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 Lizzy, I understand why you feel he is treating you like you did something wrong - but I don't think he thinks you did anything wrong. Clearly, the man has issues he is trying to sort through, and sadly it has an impact on you. Please stop perceiving the distance as punishment. It isn't helping you. It's not punishment, it's him trying to sort himself out. It's good that you are keeping busy. I would advise that you do things, like working out, that make YOU feel good. Do not depend on this man to provide you with emotional stability. First, because you should never depend on anyone else for that, and second, because he's clearly shown you that right now, for multiple reasons, he isn't capable of providing stability. so two things: either you are strong enough to handle it and keep yourself happy; or this situation doesn't work for you and you need out. It's your choice really, not his. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 Kamille, do you think it worth delineating an expectation of emotional support and interdependence versus an expectation of reliance for emotional stability? For me, my stability, self-worth and self-image are elemental and self-evident; they come from within me. From those flow emotional support, caring and empathy for those I love. I expect those feelings to be returned in a healthy relationship. If they're not returned, emptiness and imbalance results, though it in no way changes my stability or self-image. I merely see the other person as a poor repository for my love, empathy and caring. Are there any elements of this dynamic at work here? Establishing the boundaries of this was one of the things I worked on in MC. It really helped. OP, what's your take on this? Any opinion? Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 Kamille, do you think it worth delineating an expectation of emotional support and interdependence versus an expectation of reliance for emotional stability? For me, my stability, self-worth and self-image are elemental and self-evident; they come from within me. From those flow emotional support, caring and empathy for those I love. I expect those feelings to be returned in a healthy relationship. If they're not returned, emptiness and imbalance results, though it in no way changes my stability or self-image. I merely see the other person as a poor repository for my love, empathy and caring. Are there any elements of this dynamic at work here? Establishing the boundaries of this was one of the things I worked on in MC. It really helped. OP, what's your take on this? Any opinion? That's a good point. I guess there is a difference, and yes, in a healthy relationship, the emotional support and empathy are mutual. while he is being wishy-washy, the call-back does suggest that he is very partially trying to care and empathize. The issue is that his actions have unstabilized her emotionally and she is now looking for reassurance. I would argue that while, in a healty relationship the partner should be able to reassure the other, in this case, this guy is unreliable. I guess my post was meant to adress what I felt was Lizzie perhaps not distinguishing between two things 1) his need to slow down and 2) her emotional response to it. She's been repeating on this thread that she feels/worries she did something wrong, and she is quite obviously experiencing his taking some time as a punishment. She's internalizing something that shouldn't be internalized. So, in that, she is compromising on one important boundary: her own well-being. I feel, however, that since she seems attached to this man, she needs to distinguish between how the situation makes her feel (I'm reading abandoned, panicked, like she did something wrong) and what the situation actually is (he's telling her this is about him dealing with his issues). Link to post Share on other sites
Author lizzylizliz Posted June 7, 2009 Author Share Posted June 7, 2009 Well yeah, I guess I feel like he's treating me as a scapegoat for the other issues in his life that he can't take it out on...I'm the only one he CAN push away, after all. I just can't help but internalise...I feel like him doing this to me is making me responsible for the lack of whatever his life is missing, and I'm paying the price for it. NC for two days now, yesterday and today. No texts, no nothing. If he was going to leave, I wish he'd just be upfront about it, rather than dragging it out like this. Thanks for the advice, guys Link to post Share on other sites
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