GreenX Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 What happened to her post? I'm wondering how she and her situation are. Hope all is well.. Link to post Share on other sites
HisSweetThing Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 What happened to her post? I'm wondering how she and her situation are. Hope all is well.. When I found out that college students monitor these forums I started to get a little paranoid. I have two kids in college. So, I asked the moderators to remove some identifying information from my original post. I assume they are working on that. I appreciate your concern. I'm actually trying to wean myself slowly right now. I have told a very spiritual friend about my situation - one who lives some distance away. She is helping me. When I feel like texting him - I text her instead. I am trying to become less dependent on him in my mind right now. When he texts me, I still text him back. I'm just not initiating anything right now. I know everyone advocates NC. That is almost impossible in my situation right now anyway. So, I am working on changing myself. I am trying to gain a little perspective on the situation. I am trying to do what one poster suggested towards the end of my original thread - trying to look at the situation without emotion. It's hard, but I think things are changing in my mind a little bit - and I have to start somewhere. I think all of you here on LS have helped me even take this small step back to a normal life. Not sure my life will ever be normal again though. Link to post Share on other sites
Shadowcat Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 When I found out that college students monitor these forums I started to get a little paranoid. I have two kids in college. So, I asked the moderators to remove some identifying information from my original post. I assume they are working on that. I appreciate your concern. I'm actually trying to wean myself slowly right now. I have told a very spiritual friend about my situation - one who lives some distance away. She is helping me. When I feel like texting him - I text her instead. I am trying to become less dependent on him in my mind right now. When he texts me, I still text him back. I'm just not initiating anything right now. I know everyone advocates NC. That is almost impossible in my situation right now anyway. So, I am working on changing myself. I am trying to gain a little perspective on the situation. I am trying to do what one poster suggested towards the end of my original thread - trying to look at the situation without emotion. It's hard, but I think things are changing in my mind a little bit - and I have to start somewhere. I think all of you here on LS have helped me even take this small step back to a normal life. Not sure my life will ever be normal again though. I wish people here on LS would have a deeper understanding that this is a process that takes time and support us on our way. It is useless trying NC if you know on forehand that you will not succeed. Just like the alcoholic has to reach his rock bottom, so do we other women. As long as we get more positive than negative out of our relationship, we will not be able to try NC. We have to give up all hope first. Link to post Share on other sites
HisSweetThing Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 I wish people here on LS would have a deeper understanding that this is a process that takes time and support us on our way. It is useless trying NC if you know on forehand that you will not succeed. Just like the alcoholic has to reach his rock bottom, so do we other women. As long as we get more positive than negative out of our relationship, we will not be able to try NC. We have to give up all hope first. That's how I feel. As long as I have hope, I am finding it is impossible to just walk away entirely. I ordered the book you talked about in your other thread and OMM and I really need to find the time to have a serious discussion face-to-face. I don't want to determine the course of my life through a series of text messages. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 I wish people here on LS would have a deeper understanding that this is a process that takes time and support us on our way. It is useless trying NC if you know on forehand that you will not succeed. Just like the alcoholic has to reach his rock bottom, so do we other women. As long as we get more positive than negative out of our relationship, we will not be able to try NC. We have to give up all hope first. Something to consider...many of us have been around here a relatively long time. I've seen TONS of threads and posts. And here's what I've learned, regarding NC. It's only a process to those who INSIST ON MAKING IT ONE. The reality is...you cannot, you WILL NOT start healing until you actually implement NC. PERIOD. People use the "process" as an "out" to allow themselves to continue on doing what they want to do...to avoid making the changes that they know that MUST happen in order for things to move forward. The ONLY way to do this is to do it. Yoda had it right all along...just do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 Here's the thing...you don't lose hope until you truly start grieving the end of the relationship. You don't get to the end of the relationship until you go NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Shadowcat Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 Something to consider...many of us have been around here a relatively long time. I've seen TONS of threads and posts. And here's what I've learned, regarding NC. It's only a process to those who INSIST ON MAKING IT ONE. The reality is...you cannot, you WILL NOT start healing until you actually implement NC. PERIOD. People use the "process" as an "out" to allow themselves to continue on doing what they want to do...to avoid making the changes that they know that MUST happen in order for things to move forward. The ONLY way to do this is to do it. Yoda had it right all along...just do it. Owl, I might not agree with everything you said above at least not when it comes down to me, but I do find your post supportive. As I have done in the past with other posts you have written to me. You have a supportive way of talking even when you say "things OW do not want to hear". This makes us listen to you. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
HisSweetThing Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 Here's the thing...you don't lose hope until you truly start grieving the end of the relationship. You don't get to the end of the relationship until you go NC. I get this. This makes perfect sense to me. I have to admit, there is a part of me that is afraid to cut things off now because I think I know deep in my heart that at this moment in time he will not choose me - because of his responsibilities, but I think later down the road the time will come when I will be his choice. I think that's what I'm afraid to give up on. However, having really only been the OW for a couple of months now, I can already tell that this isn't a place I can be for too long. It is heartbreaking more often than it isn't. And it's not who I am. I actually think I can find a way to slowly wean myself from him. I'll let you guys know how I do. And because of our physical proximity to one another, NC really isn't an option for me right now anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 I do try to be supportive, even when I'm being blunt about my advice. In your own situation, SC...think about it like this. Go back, re-read your thread without putting "yourself" into it...look at it like a disinterested 3rd party. Then look at my advice and consider how relevent and "actionable" is is from that persepective. The reason you don't "like" my advice given to you is that it doesn't match what you WANT...but it's far more geared towards achieving what you NEED. Once you get your WANTS and NEEDS aligned...it'll be amazing how "wise" I seem! :) Link to post Share on other sites
Shadowcat Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 Wise as an owl, right?!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author GreenX Posted June 2, 2009 Author Share Posted June 2, 2009 I have to admit, there is a part of me that is afraid to cut things off now because I think I know deep in my heart that at this moment in time he will not choose me - because of his responsibilities, but I think later down the road the time will come when I will be his choice. I think that's what I'm afraid to give up on. HST, You're holding on because of what you 'think' will happen, the hope that you have given yourself. I know (trust me) how this feels and what it does to you. He had said numerous times before that he wouldn't leave and was happy in his marriage. The last text where you asked him bluntly and he didn't reply is what is giving you hope. You need to hear directly from him his true intentions, not just silence for you to make into what you 'want' it to be. He needs to, his words alone, spell it out for you that "once my children are grown and out of school I will then be yours and yours alone" - you are living on hope that he will do this when he hasn't specifically said it to you. It is so often that the OMM's in the world don't say these things because they truely do not intend to follow through with them. The whole 'having their cake and eating' it syndrome.. I personally think, from reading what you have written here since the beginning that this is the case. If someone loves someone enough to be with them forever they shouldn't be afraid to let them know. He hasn't told you yet what his 'long-term' intentions are. Until you know for sure you will keep stringing along, wondering, and that isn't fair. I hope that the two of you will have a chance to discuss this scenario in depth and know exactly what it is you both want, whether it is the same thing, or not. I know that by doing this it goes against NC.. but, I think for you to truely think about that option you need to hear it from his lips because you will always sit and wonder "what if.." Link to post Share on other sites
Shadowcat Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 HST, You're holding on because of what you 'think' will happen, the hope that you have given yourself. I know (trust me) how this feels and what it does to you. He had said numerous times before that he wouldn't leave and was happy in his marriage. The last text where you asked him bluntly and he didn't reply is what is giving you hope. You need to hear directly from him his true intentions, not just silence for you to make into what you 'want' it to be. He needs to, his words alone, spell it out for you that "once my children are grown and out of school I will then be yours and yours alone" - you are living on hope that he will do this when he hasn't specifically said it to you. It is so often that the OMM's in the world don't say these things because they truely do not intend to follow through with them. The whole 'having their cake and eating' it syndrome.. I personally think, from reading what you have written here since the beginning that this is the case. If someone loves someone enough to be with them forever they shouldn't be afraid to let them know. He hasn't told you yet what his 'long-term' intentions are. Until you know for sure you will keep stringing along, wondering, and that isn't fair. I hope that the two of you will have a chance to discuss this scenario in depth and know exactly what it is you both want, whether it is the same thing, or not. I know that by doing this it goes against NC.. but, I think for you to truely think about that option you need to hear it from his lips because you will always sit and wonder "what if.." Yet another supportive post! :bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
Gamine Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 HisSweetThing, I understand that you love this man and that you want him, but leave him alone. You have carved out this tiny little make believe world where you are in love and he is in love and you are addicted to the feelings. Yeah, maybe it is real love... maybe it isn't. But, whatever it is... real or not... it doesn't matter. It simply does not matter that you want him. Leave him alone so that he can be the husband to his wife and the father to their children. The destruction you are bringing into his life and to the life of your children is not worth it. In time he would only come to resent you and frankly, I promise you the 'love' you have would turn quickly to resentment. Dedicating your life to tearing someone else's life down (his wife and children) is sinful. Sometimes we shouldn't have everything we want. I look upon your situation with mixed feelings. On one hand I have such compassion for you it almost makes my heart break. A sick husband who brought disgrace upon his virgin bride, pimped her out for his thrills, and now has fallen in love with the man he set you up with. You have a naive and pure heart and you've been used as the sexual fodder of two men. You refer to the man you love as being wonderful. But let me put it to you this way... he is a married Catholic man with children who took your husband up on a perverted offer to service you sexually. I'm sorry, but that is not something a decent man does. I believe he is invested in the love talk because whatever morality remains inside of him he counteracts the shame with the 'love'. In other words, it is his way of making it okay. But, I believe it is not necessarily authentic love. And, it is doubtful that he will continue the affair even if you offer it to him for the next 4 years until his kids are grown. I'd bet anything that he will end it sooner rather than later. Get out while you can still hold the memory of this in a positive light. It will not be so easy when he leaves you and when you find yourself feeling used by both him and your husband. You deserve better than that fate. This entire affair will be ended by him inside of 6 months. Leave now. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 OMG You're back.......I thought I imagined all your posts before - Was searching yesterday ----Thanks for coming back. NOw I have to catch up Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 You don't get to the end of the relationship until you go NC. You are a wise owl. & I second this statement Link to post Share on other sites
HisSweetThing Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 HST, If someone loves someone enough to be with them forever they shouldn't be afraid to let them know. He hasn't told you yet what his 'long-term' intentions are. Until you know for sure you will keep stringing along, wondering, and that isn't fair. I hope that the two of you will have a chance to discuss this scenario in depth and know exactly what it is you both want, whether it is the same thing, or not. I know that by doing this it goes against NC.. but, I think for you to truely think about that option you need to hear it from his lips because you will always sit and wonder "what if.." I don't think I'll be able to go NC until I hear it from his lips. I need to hear him say he doesn't love me and that, even after what we've been through together now, he will never leave his wife - ever. When he tells me those things, I don't think I will even want him anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 I don't think I'll be able to go NC until I hear it from his lips. I need to hear him say he doesn't love me and that, even after what we've been through together now, he will never leave his wife - ever. When he tells me those things, I don't think I will even want him anymore. Which is why he won't want to give you a definitive answer. He LIKES having you fawning all over him, making him feel like a million bucks. Link to post Share on other sites
HisSweetThing Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 HisSweetThing, I look upon your situation with mixed feelings. On one hand I have such compassion for you it almost makes my heart break. A sick husband who brought disgrace upon his virgin bride, pimped her out for his thrills, and now has fallen in love with the man he set you up with. You have a naive and pure heart and you've been used as the sexual fodder of two men. You refer to the man you love as being wonderful. But let me put it to you this way... he is a married Catholic man with children who took your husband up on a perverted offer to service you sexually. I'm sorry, but that is not something a decent man does. I believe he is invested in the love talk because whatever morality remains inside of him he counteracts the shame with the 'love'. In other words, it is his way of making it okay. But, I believe it is not necessarily authentic love. And, it is doubtful that he will continue the affair even if you offer it to him for the next 4 years until his kids are grown. I'd bet anything that he will end it sooner rather than later. Get out while you can still hold the memory of this in a positive light. It will not be so easy when he leaves you and when you find yourself feeling used by both him and your husband. You deserve better than that fate. This entire affair will be ended by him inside of 6 months. Leave now. I still believe he is a wonderful man. He has never cheated on his wife before. He only did it because it was me and because of the feelings he already had for me. How can I think that he used me? What would that say about me? When I put this behind me, I do want to have positive memories. I also want to be the one to end it. I want to be the one to walk away. I really think after we have our discussion, and if it doesn't go the way I want it to go, I will be strong enough to do exactly that. If he doesn't really want me, I don't want him. Link to post Share on other sites
HisSweetThing Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 Which is why he won't want to give you a definitive answer. He LIKES having you fawning all over him, making him feel like a million bucks. I'm going to make him give me a definitive answer. I promise you guys, I won't accept less. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 I'm going to make him give me a definitive answer. I promise you guys, I won't accept less. yes, make him give you an answer. as far as accepting less, you already have. he is married and a cheater. Link to post Share on other sites
Gamine Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 I still believe he is a wonderful man. He has never cheated on his wife before. He only did it because it was me and because of the feelings he already had for me. How can I think that he used me? What would that say about me? When I put this behind me, I do want to have positive memories. I also want to be the one to end it. I want to be the one to walk away. I really think after we have our discussion, and if it doesn't go the way I want it to go, I will be strong enough to do exactly that. If he doesn't really want me, I don't want him. Think about what you are saying. He never cheated before... how could you know that is true for certain? That he only did it because it was you? If this man loved you as a friend or even romantically he would have given your husband a bloody nose for disgracing you as his wife and most certainly would not have had sex with you at your husband's suggestion. He may have wanted to have sex with you and when it was offered he did not refuse it. Participating in your husband's sicko sex dynamic speaks volumes concerning his character. If this man thought the world of you he would have been your champion and not participated in this sick triangle. Again, he may have feelings for and may enjoy having intimacy with you... however he took advantage of a situation that was offered to him... and believe that no truly decent man would agree to pass a woman around between them. If he loved you from afar he would have stood up for you, not participating in the act of passing you around. A true sign of his love would have been to say no and to get you help in dealing with a controlling and manipulative husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 I still believe he is a wonderful man. He has never cheated on his wife before. He only did it because it was me and because of the feelings he already had for me. How can I think that he used me? What would that say about me? Think about his choices when your H came to him with this offer to sleep with you. If he really cared for you, wouldn't he profess those feelings yet resist sharing you with your H? Wouldn't he put his own house in order through divorce or at least separation befor becoming involved with you? Wouldn't he want a relationship with you that gives everyone involved some honest and realistic chance at happiness ??? You seem to be the only one that reads some noble intent into his actions to this point... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Gamine Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 I can't help but wonder... If he is such a 'good' man, how do you define a 'bad' man? Link to post Share on other sites
delirious Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 HST, I have been where you have, I still am. I fell hook line and sinker. Felt such love, such passion, and it felt returned, that I thought it was inevitable that we would be together, that he was my soul mate, that he was the one. 10 months in, we aren't. He can't do it. Some folks can take that leap, some just can't, the guilt is too much. I feel for you, I understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GreenX Posted June 3, 2009 Author Share Posted June 3, 2009 HST, Again, we all know that you're going through a very difficult time right now. I believe that the only way you'll move forward is by you hearing directly from him as mentioned before what his true intentions are, no holding back, he must be upfront with you. Honestly, if he pulls the line of "I really can't say right now" - then you say "We're through, for good!" Because the reality is, if he loves you and intends to one day be with you and ONLY you then he will have no problem letting you know. I hope you have this conversation very soon with him. It isn't fair that you have to go on wondering. (((Hugs))) We'll be here, no matter the outcome. Link to post Share on other sites
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