HisSweetThing

[noforgiveness]

That's how I feel. As long as I have hope, I am finding it is impossible to just walk away entirely. I ordered the book you talked about in your other thread and OMM and I really need to find the time to have a serious discussion face-to-face. I don't want to determine the course of my life through a series of text messages.

 

What exactly is it that you have hope for? Spell out what you HOPE will happen. I'm curious what you feel is a resolution to hope for.

 

I don't see any hope anywhere because of WHO the affair partner is.

[confusedinkansas]

I still believe he is a wonderful man. He has never cheated on his wife before.

 

Here's a funny thing - Could he be lying about that?

Absolutely! My MM....(that I was head over heels in love with & would have crossed the ocean for) claimed for the first few months of our relationship that he had NEVER done this before!

After a year break up & we found each other again & re-connected......I find out not only has he done this before, he's done it several times! And one of the women got pregnant & he paid for her abortion. AND that his current wife of 20 + years, they were in an affair before they got married.

 

Anyway - I'm just saying, they / we do lie.......You're lying...He's lying! What makes you think that he is telling you the truth?

 

I'm not saying that your feelings aren't real. They are very real. Most of us here have felt them too.{hug} But it just seems that you are throwing good energy after bad. You want to be together & it seems like he doesn't.

[fooled once]

That is almost impossible in my situation right now anyway. S

 

I totally disagree. NOTHING is impossible. Impossible is curing cancer (right now). Impossible is lifting a building by yourself.

 

It isn't impossible -- you just don't want to stop having contact with him.

 

Did I miss it in your first post where this man said he loved you?

 

You have been in an affair for 2-3 months (per your other post). What all have you two been through? Seriously? Besides your current H pimping you out?

 

You have wishful thinking that he is going to 'choose you'. It isn't a competition or a popularity contest.

 

And I wonder too - how do you KNOW he didn't cheat before? I mean, he willingly offered to service another man's wife - to school her in how to be a good lover. For all you know, 4 years ago he was in an affair with a woman he works with - a woman whose husband didn't come to him with an offer to teach his wife.

 

I feel so sorry for you because you seem to really think that after a short affair, this man is going to throw away his marriage and his children This Catholic man.

 

I don't know what you hope to hear from him; but I hope you do hear him the next time he tells you he isn't going to leave his wife for you and you come to terms with this and stop the fantasies of a future with him.

 

You need a clean break, you need to get out of your marriage and start a new life focused on healing YOU and finding YOU and doing what you need to do to become independent, healthy and be a good role model for your girls. IF/WHEN they find out what has gone on, and trust me, kids aren't stupid and can see how you change and react when he is around, they aren't going to be 'proud' of you and are going to probably say some very hurtful things. They will need time to heal also.

 

I do hope he tells you soon so you can move on. When do you plan to talk to him? And why hasn't the convo happened yet? What are you waiting for?

[HisSweetThing]

I can't help but wonder...

 

If he is such a 'good' man, how do you define a 'bad' man?

 

He is a good man. He has a good heart. He has never done anything like this before and he only did it because I put the temptation in front of him and we have felt things for one another for 11 years. Yes, we made mistakes, but that doesn't make us bad people. I think a bad man has evil in his heart.

[noforgiveness]

He is a good man. He has a good heart. He has never done anything like this before and he only did it because I put the temptation in front of him and we have felt things for one another for 11 years. Yes, we made mistakes, but that doesn't make us bad people. I think a bad man has evil in his heart.

 

 

Then let him be a good man and good husband and walk away. He told you he loves his wife. Leave him be. Do the right thing and stop justifying this affair to yourself.

[confusedinkansas]

Since my current frame of mind is a bit fogged....Can't really give advice...Read the thread..............{{Hugs}} I hope it all works out however you want it to.

[HisSweetThing]

Here's a funny thing - Could he be lying about that?

Absolutely! My MM....(that I was head over heels in love with & would have crossed the ocean for) claimed for the first few months of our relationship that he had NEVER done this before!

After a year break up & we found each other again & re-connected......I find out not only has he done this before, he's done it several times! And one of the women got pregnant & he paid for her abortion. AND that his current wife of 20 + years, they were in an affair before they got married.

 

Anyway - I'm just saying, they / we do lie.......You're lying...He's lying! What makes you think that he is telling you the truth?

 

I'm not saying that your feelings aren't real. They are very real. Most of us here have felt them too.{hug} But it just seems that you are throwing good energy after bad. You want to be together & it seems like he doesn't.

 

I believe him. We are not able to be together that often and it was not easy for him to make the decision that we could have a continued physical relationship. We have a very strong bond and a very strong friendship. I think we are soulmates. I truly believe that he is not lying to me. He has told me things I haven't wanted to hear. I am not lying to him or to my husband. The only people I am lying to are the people who know nothing of the relationship. And I know everyone is going to jump all over that last sentence.

 

My husband and I had a long talk last night. We have agreed to live together amicably for now - and hopefully until our youngest is out of school. We are going to be friends and be there for our children. I think it was the right decision for us. I know everyone thinks I need to be on my own, but we made this decision together to do what we thought was best for our kids. We don't fight. We don't hate each other. We have just grown apart now. And I am in hurry to move on with my life when the man I want to have a life with is married. I still think he wants to be with me. It is just life and responsibility. I have doubts and then I see him and I look him in the eyes and I just know.

[Owl]

He is a good man. He has a good heart. He has never done anything like this before and he only did it because I put the temptation in front of him and we have felt things for one another for 11 years. Yes, we made mistakes, but that doesn't make us bad people. I think a bad man has evil in his heart.

 

So it's all your fault then???

 

He has a good heart, and would have never strayed...but you are the only reason that he's now behaving in such a horrible fashion?

[noforgiveness]

yes because that's what is best for the kids. To be in a fake relationship lying to them everyday while you screw their best friends daddy. Yep you have your kids best interest at heart. kudos to you.

[noforgiveness]

So it's all your fault then???

 

He has a good heart, and would have never strayed...but you are the only reason that he's now behaving in such a horrible fashion?

 

No silly. It's all her husbands fault. He made her screw him.

[HisSweetThing]

I do hope he tells you soon so you can move on. When do you plan to talk to him? And why hasn't the convo happened yet? What are you waiting for?

 

It is hard for us to even have a private conversation and that is not a conversation I want to have texting on cell phones and it's not a conversation we can have in the 5-10 minutes before and after we workout together. We both want to get together and talk. We are just waiting for the opportunity. He offered to back away a little so my husband and I could try to get to a good place with one another. I asked him if that's what he wanted and he said no. I told him I wasn't ready to lose him yet. He told me I haven't lost him and he said what's with the word yet?

 

Anyway, my husband and I have found a good place for us now and I know in my heart that OMM loves me. I don't think that's something you can fake.

[noforgiveness]

It is hard for us to even have a private conversation and that is not a conversation I want to have texting on cell phones and it's not a conversation we can have in the 5-10 minutes before and after we workout together. We both want to get together and talk. We are just waiting for the opportunity. He offered to back away a little so my husband and I could try to get to a good place with one another. I asked him if that's what he wanted and he said no. I told him I wasn't ready to lose him yet. He told me I haven't lost him and he said what's with the word yet?

 

Anyway, my husband and I have found a good place for us now and I know in my heart that OMM loves me. I don't think that's something you can fake.

 

You really think your husband is in a good place? You are really deluding yourself.

[HisSweetThing]

No silly. It's all her husbands fault. He made her screw him.

 

This is why I stayed away from here yesterday. I'm glad you guys find this to be so incredulous and so funny. Thanks to everyone who is supportive, but I'm not sure I need all the BS from everyone else.

[2sure]

I don't think I'll be able to go NC until I hear it from his lips. I need to hear him say he doesn't love me and that, even after what we've been through together now, he will never leave his wife - ever. When he tells me those things, I don't think I will even want him anymore.

 

This seems fair enough, it seems reasonable. Regardless of the circumstance your feelings are real and you are entitled to at least ask for the truth.

 

And thats the thing. In an Affair, its hard to get to the truth from any point of view, from anyone involved. Many OW make the mistake of reading between the lines, listening to what MM is telling them but hearing what they want, imagining things that are not real.

 

But thats not what you want and thats a good thing.

He has already through his words and actions told you wants to end the affair. But you wont believe it until you hear certain words.

Its like a trick or a game you are playing with yourself. if he doesnt know the magic words that will make you go away....what are the chances he will say them??

 

Tell him exactly what you need to hear from him for this to end.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

He only did it because it was me and because of the feelings he already had for me. How can I think that he used me? What would that say about me?

 

Exactly!!!

 

This is the mindset that keeps normally somewhat intelligent and independent women dangling on the sidelines and in affairs for years.

[Owl]

So it's all your fault then???

 

He has a good heart, and would have never strayed...but you are the only reason that he's now behaving in such a horrible fashion?

 

Here's the thing, Sweething...I don't for a minute truly believe that it's all your fault.

 

I posted this to point out how ludicrous this comes across tho.

 

You keep defending him, claiming it's not his fault...it would have never have happened had you not 'tempted' him.

 

I call BS (and I do NOT mean betrayed spouse).

 

Either it's the way you claim...and therefore it is all your fault...

 

...or he absolutely made the choice to cheat on his wife.

 

You can't have it both ways.

 

My post was intended to point this out to you in a fashion that you couldn't dodge...I don't truly believe that it's all your fault.

[noforgiveness]

This is why I stayed away from here yesterday. I'm glad you guys find this to be so incredulous and so funny. Thanks to everyone who is supportive, but I'm not sure I need all the BS from everyone else.

 

It's the truth is it not? You are trying to run from the truth and delude yourself in the name of love. Support is not saying yipee you are in love go for it. Support is letting you see what it is that is happening for real here and what is happening is not pretty and that's why you feel you are not being supported. This is NOT ok and you know it in your heart but are hiding behind "it's true love and soulmates. Honey if he was your soulmate he would be leaving his wife this moment not sneaking in five minutes to talk to you. He is still very much protecting his marriage but you are so far in lala land you can't see it.

[HisSweetThing]

Here's the thing, Sweething...I don't for a minute truly believe that it's all your fault.

 

I posted this to point out how ludicrous this comes across tho.

 

You keep defending him, claiming it's not his fault...it would have never have happened had you not 'tempted' him.

 

I call BS (and I do NOT mean betrayed spouse).

 

Either it's the way you claim...and therefore it is all your fault...

 

...or he absolutely made the choice to cheat on his wife.

 

You can't have it both ways.

 

My post was intended to point this out to you in a fashion that you couldn't dodge...I don't truly believe that it's all your fault.

 

Okay. He did make the choice to cheat on his wife. But I made some poor choices too. I know some of you think I'm evil, but I don't think I'm a bad person. I didn't want this to happen. I don't want to love a man who isn't mine to love. I am not a happy person now. I am not finding joy in this situation. I can't explain the way I feel when we're together. It's like I am the person I am supposed to be when I'm with him. I can be 100% just me. This may be hard for you guys to understand, but he makes me feel loved and he makes me feel safe and he makes me feel like I am special. And this is why I am so screwed up.

[HisSweetThing]

It's the truth is it not? You are trying to run from the truth and delude yourself in the name of love. Support is not saying yipee you are in love go for it. Support is letting you see what it is that is happening for real here and what is happening is not pretty and that's why you feel you are not being supported. This is NOT ok and you know it in your heart but are hiding behind "it's true love and soulmates. Honey if he was your soulmate he would be leaving his wife this moment not sneaking in five minutes to talk to you. He is still very much protecting his marriage but you are so far in lala land you can't see it.

 

I think he is so protective because of his children - because he is a good man and he has responsibilities and this would hurt a lot of people and the timing is off. If this had happened a couple of years ago when he and his wife were having some serious problems, he told me he would have left at that time. That's why I do need to find out what his long-term plans are. I don't want to live in lala land forever. I do know it's not okay. I admit, I am having a hard time reconciling what I'm feeling with what I know is right. What I'm feeling seems so right to me.

[stuckinoz]

The only people I am lying to are the people who know nothing of the relationship. And I know everyone is going to jump all over that last sentence.

 

I'm not gonna jump on you - But, What business is it of theirs?

The people that know nothing of the affair (besides his wife of course - & we're still not sure that she doesn't already know something is up)

Just because someone has an affair doesn't mean that they need to broadcast it to everyone they know. That's ridiculous!!!!!!!!!!

[Owl]

Okay. He did make the choice to cheat on his wife. But I made some poor choices too. I know some of you think I'm evil, but I don't think I'm a bad person. I didn't want this to happen. I don't want to love a man who isn't mine to love.

 

Well...here's the crux, isn't it?

 

You BOTH made the intentional, deliberate choice to begin a relationship between you, when both of you knew it was wrong.

 

I'm not calling you evil...not at all. I'm saying that the first step in solving a problem is taking responsibility for it...for your choice to create the situation in the first place.

 

You say that this isn't what you wanted...well...to some degree, it was...because you took active measures to be right where you're at today.

 

The CHOICE still remains yours as well.

 

You can continue to explore "how he makes you feel"...knowing that the relationship is an affair...knowing that he's "not yours to love"...or you can take steps to change the situation.

 

I am not a happy person now. I am not finding joy in this situation. I can't explain the way I feel when we're together. It's like I am the person I am supposed to be when I'm with him. I can be 100% just me. This may be hard for you guys to understand, but he makes me feel loved and he makes me feel safe and he makes me feel like I am special. And this is why I am so screwed up.

 

I would agree that you ARE special.

 

He doesn't make you that way...you are in your own right. You can be 100% you anytime...you just choose to hold it in unless you're with him.

 

But at the end of the day...the question becomes...are you willing to continue the affair, knowing what it is, and knowing what the likely costs are going to be for his wife and family?

[Chrome Barracuda]

I dont think there is anyone convincing her what she's doing is wrong.

 

Clearly she's obsessed with this man. Clearly she's only gonna do what she wants. Once the wife finds out what her husband is doing, then her tune will change, once she has a fist in her eye and her affair exposed all over the neighborhood, then she will probably back off.

 

It takes something drastic to change. but she's the idiot wasting her life on a married man she had an affair with, that wont leave his wife, who doesnt want the affair anymore, who doesnt want HER!!!!

 

HER FEELINGS ARE WRONG!

 

you are not soulmates, you are not starcrossed.

 

Whatever happened to thou shalt not commit adultery, shall not covet thy neighbor's wife, thou shalt not lie or steal??

 

I mean you happen to be christian and he's a catholic. If his family's a hardline catholic??? LOL good luck with that.

 

Nothing anyone says can sway you, you'll be back here a year from now complaining about the same Man doesnt want to marry you.

 

It's not because he doesnt , it's because your naive and one track minded.

 

..Women. I swear.

[stuckinoz]

I dont think there is anyone convincing her what she's doing is wrong.

 

Clearly she's obsessed with this man. Clearly she's only gonna do what she wants. Once the wife finds out what her husband is doing, then her tune will change, once she has a fist in her eye and her affair exposed all over the neighborhood, then she will probably back off.

 

It takes something drastic to change. but she's the idiot wasting her life on a married man she had an affair with, that wont leave his wife, who doesnt want the affair anymore, who doesnt want HER!!!!

 

HER FEELINGS ARE WRONG!

 

you are not soulmates, you are not starcrossed.

 

Whatever happened to thou shalt not commit adultery, shall not covet thy neighbor's wife, thou shalt not lie or steal??

 

I mean you happen to be christian and he's a catholic. If his family's a hardline catholic??? LOL good luck with that.

 

Nothing anyone says can sway you, you'll be back here a year from now complaining about the same Man doesnt want to marry you.

 

It's not because he doesnt , it's because your naive and one track minded.

 

..Women. I swear.

 

You're funny!

Who's to say that the wife doesn't already know?

Men I swear!

My husband knew about my affair & didn't care. It was a "don't ask / don't tell". He was caught up in his own stuff at the time! When it did "officially" come out. He really didn't have much of a reaction.

 

SO....I always say on here.......Who's to say that the spouse is BLIND to the comings & goings of their Husband or Wife? We don't know. She may choose to not care because of the financial - etc. Security in a marriage.

If I've said it once I've said it a hundred times in here.....

People Marry & STAY Married for Lots of reasons

Doesn't mean it's good....Doesn't mean it's bad....It just is what it is.

[HisSweetThing]

Well...here's the crux, isn't it?

 

You BOTH made the intentional, deliberate choice to begin a relationship between you, when both of you knew it was wrong.

 

I'm not calling you evil...not at all. I'm saying that the first step in solving a problem is taking responsibility for it...for your choice to create the situation in the first place.

 

You say that this isn't what you wanted...well...to some degree, it was...because you took active measures to be right where you're at today.

 

The CHOICE still remains yours as well.

 

You can continue to explore "how he makes you feel"...knowing that the relationship is an affair...knowing that he's "not yours to love"...or you can take steps to change the situation.

 

 

I would agree that you ARE special.

 

He doesn't make you that way...you are in your own right. You can be 100% you anytime...you just choose to hold it in unless you're with him.

 

But at the end of the day...the question becomes...are you willing to continue the affair, knowing what it is, and knowing what the likely costs are going to be for his wife and family?

 

Thank you. These are the kind of posts that make me think and make me feel supported at the same time - even when I know you don't support the decisions I have made.

[HisSweetThing]

SO....I always say on here.......Who's to say that the spouse is BLIND to the comings & goings of their Husband or Wife? We don't know. She may choose to not care because of the financial - etc. Security in a marriage.

If I've said it once I've said it a hundred times in here.....

People Marry & STAY Married for Lots of reasons

Doesn't mean it's good....Doesn't mean it's bad....It just is what it is.

 

I agree with you. People marry & stay married for a lot of reasons. It is what it is.