Need advice with Internet Relationship

[Julie]

Hi-

 

We're both in out late 20's...

 

I while ago, I met a nice guy on the net. We hit it off chatting online, and soon took it to a phone conversation.

 

He lives about 2 hours away, so it's not really long distance. We met in person, STILL had lots to talk about, and thoroughly enjoyed each others' company. He seems like a thoroughly caring, gives great hugs, sweet, kind hearted gentleman. What more could a girl ask? Honestly, I could see myself growing old with him (but of course, I've kept that to myself :-)).

 

Well, here's an issue: about a year and a half ago, he was served with divorce papers. I know nothing about divorce and have never been married. He had been with her for 7 years, and after she had several affairs while he was traveling for his job, she left him for another man. He had no idea this was going on until she told him. She's now remarried, so he was able to stop alimony. He doesn't seem bitter, even though she seems to have took him to the cleaners. She was financially irresponsible, and since he was the breadwinner, he is paying off the debts she incurred druing the marriage. She had opened credit cards and store cards and maxed them out. He said he just wants her to be happy. Despite this, he still believes in marriage and wants children (small family). But I can tell that he's not happy paying off her debts.

 

He says that he doesn't want his heart broken again. I don't want mine broken, either. It ends up that I make a little more money than he does, and he said it felt weird because he'd never been in that situation. Especially since her debts from during the marriage keep popping up.

 

He talked about the fact that he couldn't consider a relationship (we're friends) until he had everything with his ex squared away, which I respect. But we enjoy each other's company.

 

Do any of you have any advice? Thanks.

[Tony T]

It doesn't make a lot of sense to put a relationship with you on hold until credit cards are paid off. That makes about as much sense as me not eating another meal until I've lost 30 pounds. Pretty irrational but I guess he's entitled to that.

 

Nobody wants their heart broken again so that's goes without saying. But if a man is very fond of a woman, he is not going to put off a relationship and risk losing her to someone else for any reason.

 

I also think it's pretty lame to compare incomes. I would absolutely LOVE to have a woman who made lots more money than me...as long as she is mature about it and doesn't hold it over my head. This is a maturity issue so you better really take a hard look at this.

 

It just seems to me that right now, you are just a plain ole buddy to this guy and it seems he wants to keep it that way. Maybe he is scared, maybe is is just not ready for another relationship. or maybe he doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

 

You have two choices. You can ask him for an estimate of the time it will take to pay off all these debts so you'll know when you can take your friendship up a few nothches....or you can move on and find a nice, kind, sweet, loving, attractive, understanding, etc. etc. guy who is ready, right now, to give his love to you.

 

Master the possibilities...and see what else is out there!!!

[LT]

Of course it makes sense. Money is very important to *most* men (kind of like having a nice house is to a woman). I commend this gentleman, for my experiences with online romances have inevitably involved men looking either for just sex or a free ride. Support his decision, because a good romantic relationship should have a solid friendship foundation...and that's what friends do.

 

It's so easy and so tempting to rush into things and internet "time" seems much faster than real life time. We think we know someone because we type at them all the time...but that is often not the case. Distance and computer monitors stand between you two and you'll never really know this guy until enough time has passed anyway.

 

Go on with your life outside the net. Let him know you're busy doing other things. The time you two do share will then be a lot more enjoyable. The bonus is that men tend to want more those things they can't have at their beck and call. So don't be. It'll encourage him to finish his debt-paying sooner and it'll give you the space and time you both need to know each other better.

 

Longterm advice: If you two do get serious make sure he HAS paid off the debts. He's telling you it's his ex, but it could be he himself, you just don't know for sure. I was engaged to a guy last year who was swimming in debt and I didn't have a clue (he was a gentleman, brought me roses, took me out, etc., etc., all the time). He also blamed a lot of stuff on his ex but as the wedding got closer I saw firsthand that his problems were self-created. I broke it off but not without the bitter realization that I'd rather have an honest, debt-free salt-of-the-earth guy over a lying, sweep-you-off-your feet spendthrift anyday! Money problems are at the top of the marital strife list...so PLEASE do not believe it doesn't matter because you love him. If you love him you'll give him a chance to show you he loves you too by coming to you clear and free!

 

LT

It doesn't make a lot of sense to put a relationship with you on hold until credit cards are paid off. That makes about as much sense as me not eating another meal until I've lost 30 pounds. Pretty irrational but I guess he's entitled to that.

 

Nobody wants their heart broken again so that's goes without saying. But if a man is very fond of a woman, he is not going to put off a relationship and risk losing her to someone else for any reason. I also think it's pretty lame to compare incomes. I would absolutely LOVE to have a woman who made lots more money than me...as long as she is mature about it and doesn't hold it over my head. This is a maturity issue so you better really take a hard look at this. It just seems to me that right now, you are just a plain ole buddy to this guy and it seems he wants to keep it that way. Maybe he is scared, maybe is is just not ready for another relationship. or maybe he doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

 

You have two choices. You can ask him for an estimate of the time it will take to pay off all these debts so you'll know when you can take your friendship up a few nothches....or you can move on and find a nice, kind, sweet, loving, attractive, understanding, etc. etc. guy who is ready, right now, to give his love to you. Master the possibilities...and see what else is out there!!!

[Tony T]

I agree in princple with everything you said. It all makes a lot of sense. However, in the context of the post on this Internet relationship, I see no reason why debts have to be paid off before he starts being romantic. That still seems irrational. Now, it does become a real problem if the guy is up to his butt in debt if marriage is considered.

 

If every guy waited until he had paid off all his bills before become romantically interested in someone, there would be practically no couples in the United States. I can't begin to tell you the number of men (and women) who can't handle money...I think you have an idea.

 

Your advice is excellent and sound. You make a lot of sense and I hope the lady who made the post will listen to your every word. But I do think people who are in debt can get involved romatically and each has the right to decide if he wants to or not. In this case the guy was honest...and the point you have made about those who do not fess up to radical debt is oh so true.

 

There are millions of women who are attracted to the guys with the shiny cars who take them out to great restaurants, live in plush homes or apartments, and shower them with lavish gifts who are on the brink of bankruptcy. The ladies never know this or find out too late and it's sad.

 

There are so many others who are attracted to men who cheat on them, beat on them, and treat them like low class trash. The do KNOW this and stick around anyway. Don't ask me why!

 

I think the best answer here is for people to be smart, to ask the right questions, and to make a wise choice based on their intuition, good judgement, and the report of a private investigator of good repute.

 

Meantime, I stand by my earlier post that two people who are honest with each other, who know just what the situation is, should not put off romance because of bills. To me, romance doesn't necessarily imply marriage or a life time commitment. I think you can be involved with someone romantically without bills or other life situations interfering. If they became madly inseparable, they could still live separate financial lives and wait for marriage until the bills are paid...if that time happens to come in this lifetime.

 

You also made a very good point that these debts may have been self-created. You are sharp. My guess is that they were. A man who is so completely aloof that he allows a wife to run up sky high bills that he is on the hook for, regardless of the state of the relationship, hasn't got all this stuff together.

 

I enjoyed reading your post and I hope you come back often.