sadsongs Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 How much freedom should you give your lover, without being taken advantage of? I love my girl. She's great, we have a great relationship, We broke up once but got back together. We've been together 3 years. I feel like she's the one and so does she. I don't put any dumb rules on her or restrictions, I've always told her that I love her and that I trust her and have no problem if she goes out with friends. We have to have our own spaces, I want to keep our relationship healthy and not smothered But sometimes I wonder if it's worth the worry it brings me or the wondering..... She likes to go out with her best friend Jessica who she works with at a local music store. They go out a lot with their work friends and when they go out, They usually go out to clubs or bars and they have drinks. I've seen pictures of my girl cheek to cheek with dudes I don't know, some of them regular customers of the store that meet up with them later. I don't rewally care for her work friends, and she knows it, so she doesn't invite me, and it doesn't bug me. I trust that she would never cheat on me, She's not that kind of girl, I'm very sure...The only way she'd cheat is if she got really really drunk and someone took adavatage of her. But that's the thing that bugs me...She likes to be out with her bestfriend and have drinks as a way to be wild and have fun, But It worries me that she gets very tipsy, very quickly and i get worried that someone could try and kiss her or maybe more. She's blacked out a few times in her past from drinking too much. SHould I put my foot down and tell her not to drink so much even though it's not my place to? Link to post Share on other sites
jalexy Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 you should tell her where you would like the line to be drawn when it comes to respecting you. i would hate it if my guy was cheek to cheek with chicks. So you just have to draw the line. Link to post Share on other sites
ncguy34 Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 I think you should let her do what she wants. My experience has been that they do not like rules. But, you ought to consider going out with you friends on nights that she is out. It might be what you need. I think she would resent you if you said do not go out. But the excessive drinking could cause problems more than just being flirtatious. She could wreck etc. Regarding someone trying to hook up with her that would be a problem but it has not happened (that you know of) so you going to have to trust her. Have you asked her to limit the drinking? If not, maybe you should do that. I do not really think you have a problem. My girl friend goes out with her friends on trips and to bars. I trust her and she knows that if she cheated I would leave her. I I had some concerns this weekend with her wanting to be alone not from lack of trust but did not realize that she needs to be with her friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlinterrupted Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 I think you should definately let her know that your concerned about drinking heavily while out w/ friends. When you love someone you look out for them, I'm sure since you've never been the controlling type that she will see that your only worried about her. Your her boyfriend, her lover it is your place to let her know you care and that you worry. I think it's wrong for you to just sit around and whatch this happening never telling her of your true feelings. If you don't like something let her know about it and then it's up to her wether she'd like to change it or not. Trust is the most beautifull thing that you can have in a relationship, it's better to sherish it by gaurding it than to let what your unsure of ruin it. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 Telling her what she can and cannot do won't work. What you need to do is discuss the relationship with her and together set some boundaries. You make it sound like she doesn't respect your feelings at all and that is bad. you also say the only way she would cheat is if she got drunk and someone took advantage. Two things you should understand. If she says Yes - she is making a choice. If she is drunk when she says it, it is still her choice - she chose to get drunk and is still making a decision. Blaming her state of intoxication and the persuasiveness of the other guy on the act itself just doesn't hold water. She made the choice. If she says No and someone proceeds to have sex with her - she was raped. Rape is not cheating. I would be more concerned about her drinking and the blackouts. Link to post Share on other sites
VASH THE STAMPEDE Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 If my girlfriend met up with customers or anyone I don't know, it would indicate to me she's not in a serious relationship with me.I don't put rules out for my spouse but there is a line that must never be crossed and that is to be drinking with a guy that I don't know and/or cheating. I would definitely put my foot down on her heavy drinking,as far as her going out I would start getting a little more Involved . Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadsongs Posted October 28, 2003 Author Share Posted October 28, 2003 SHE WENT OUT LAST NIGHT. . . .Before I could talk to her... And when she came home from this outting with her best friend and their work friends at a local Bar & Grill for a going away party for one of their co-workers.... I was woken up at 2:00 in the morning by racket and stumbling in because my girlfriend could barely sit up straight. Her best friend was hunching over the trashcan waiting for her to puke. Apparently she had wayyyy too much to drink and was feeling really really really sick. I tried to help her and she was literally falling all over the place. I couldn't keep her on her feet. SO many emotions ran thru my body, anger, concern, disappointment. I grew up with an alcoholic dad and had to deal with him a lot and even with my mom at times, being an angry drunk. I don't drink at all, so it bugs me to see my girl like that. She doesn't drink much usually (she's 24) she never drinks at home so...I can understand that, you know, she's out with her friends, having a good time, so, she may feel more comfortable drinking because it's more social and relaxing, a good time. She just recently started going out a lot more with this batch of friends from work and this is the second time she's come home and not been able to stand up straight mumbling, "I'm drunk, I'm drunk, I can't walk, I hope you're not mad, I'm sooo drunk". I don't want to blow this way out of proportion, but it's just really bugging me this morning, I haven't talked to her yet. I know I need to talk to her and tell her I'm concerned, I just have a bit of anger for her actions and i'm wondering if I even should be angry. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted October 28, 2003 Share Posted October 28, 2003 as hokey says, I'd be more concerned about the drinking episodes and the blackouts that ensue. You know what it's like living in a household where there was an alcoholic as part of it; discussing this with your girlfriend because you're concerned about her well-being is part of being a loving partner. however, leave the anger and emotions aside when you do talk to her about this problem, because she will pick up on that faster than she will the underlying concern. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted October 28, 2003 Share Posted October 28, 2003 Is she an alcoholic? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadsongs Posted October 28, 2003 Author Share Posted October 28, 2003 No I don't think she's an alcoholic. I Love her more than anything, But I think she just doesn't THINK sometimes and she's not a very good judge on how much alcohol she can handle. I talked to her 5 mintues ago and she was very regretful and very, very apologetic and told me she felt so stupid and dumb and felt like an a**h*** and that she hoped that I didn't hate her. Turns out she had (6) Long Island Iced Teas in a 2 hour period. She's such a small girl and has such a small frame, that is a ferocious amount of alcohol for a small girl, if you ask me. I just did was Hokey and Quankanne said....I was calm & explained that i was disappointed and that I was worried and asked if she could she please take it easy on the amount she consumes because it worries me. That's all. She agreed and said she's never drinking again. I told her she can drink, Just know your limit before you even start. I think we'll be fine, I mean I hope we will. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted October 28, 2003 Share Posted October 28, 2003 SIX Long Island Ice teas?!? And she's tiny? Does she not grasp the concept of drinking? Link to post Share on other sites
Nostalghia Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 I say you dump her ... it seems she is more concerned about accommodating her friends to the bar scene than being home with you. And if she is cheek to cheek with strangers ... uh, there's something odd about that! You don't seem to be her number 1 priority, you're just a safety net for her. Chances are she'll easily meet another man and you will be replaced and hurt badly cause she'll go thru the proverbial confused "it's not you" phase! Get out of there my friend! You'll be glad you did!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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