badz2801 Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 Hey everyone I have a problem in which I need some advice on. I think I have finally gotten over my ex and I have taken several steps to move on. I am currently dating someone that also attends my same school. We are not boyfriend/girl friend and we are taking things slow. She stays at my house almost every night, except nothing happens (no sex). We sleep in the same bed, which is cool since she is company. She treats me well (unlike my ex) and is smart. In fact she is probably the smartest girl I have dated to this day. Overall, this girl has a great personality which is what I am drawn too. Now for the problem. I do not find this girl physically attractive at all. Looks are very important for me, as they increase my desire. I am really not sure what to do, since I don't feel things are progressing romantically for me. I have explained to her that I am not interested in being together now and I don't know if I ever will be (which seems to be ignored). I have no desire to kiss her or to sleep with her for that matter. What really bothers me is that she does not seem to take my warnings to heart. I can tell she is getting deeper and deeper into the "relationship". I do care about her but not in a romantic way. I don't want to hurt her like my ex did to me. At the same time I also enjoy the attention that she gives me. For once its nice to know someone actually cares about you. I guess that is why I am holding on. In the three years I have been at school, this is the first girl I can honestly say likes me. What would you do? How would you tell her that you don't want to be together? Do you think its possible to completely ignore your physical desires? I feel very guilty since I think I already know that its not going to work and that she really cares. Usually the women I get involved with are hot, but lack the grey matter to make it worth-wild. Now basically its like: wow what a great person...but damn...she just doesn't do it for me. Badz2801 Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 Do her a major favor, spare her a broken heart, and back off this friendship for a time. She obviously hopes that you will develop feelings for her. However, developing feelings and developing attraction are two different things. Yes, it is possible that certain people can develop an attraction for another person over time but you don't sound like one of them in this particular case. Physical attraction is essential to a healthy relationship. If it's not there, it can't go beyond a friendship. This lady is NOT looking for you to be a friend or buddy. You have already stepped way over the line in letting her sleep next to you and in the relationship in general. That's such a tease it isn't funny. You have given her major signs of encouragement...and discouragement. You are sending very mixed signals to her. Stop it and simply get her out of your life for a while. That's the humane thing to do. This is probably never going to go the way she wants it and you will spare her major hurt and heartbreak by letting her move on. And don't think time will change her mind. If she comes back in a year and says she just wants to be friends, that will be BS. Unless you are just plain out of her life, she will have hopes of getting with you until she finds another love interest...in which case you won't hear a peep out of her. One day you'll find the perfect combination of brains and bod for yourself. But it ain't with this one. Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 hey badz.... i can relate to what your going through as i have been in the same boat. you dont want to hurt them, nor do you want the relationship to progress in a sexual relationship because your not physically attracted to them however..... i dont think your realizing what mixed signals you are giving her when you sleep in the same bed even tho no sex happens.... yes 2 friends can have a platonic relationship however when you know that other person is physically attracted to you thats where plutonic ends for her..... she is wanting and expecting more because your willing to lay next to her and really your entering eachothers comfort zone..... if you want to continue to have sleepovers with eachother and you want no physical intimacy then be very honest with her and tell her that you are not attracted to her sexually however that its her personality and her intellect that your liking. i wont even enter the other realms (bed buddies- where each of you agree to be friends but fulfill eachothers sexual needs becuase to be quite honest that can lead to a world of hurt as well and im thinking you dont want that anyways) ..... however to avoid her being hurt you have to be honest with her..... i hope that helps... and im in no means an expert on advice but im just telling you what has helped for me when i was in a similar situation.... good luck!!! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 You know what? On a couple of occasions, I had pals that I thought that about. Their appearances really didn't do much for me. I ended up kissing them for one reason or another and BLAM - chemistry and then some. On the other hand, I was once or twice EXTREMELY attracted to fellows visually and thought they were nice guys, kissed them and zip, zilch, blah. Nothing. Boring, in fact. Your eyes are not necessarily reliable companions when determining where chemistry lies. I say try out a kiss and see what happens. If she has a bunch of wonderful qualities, a kiss could kickstart the chemistry and then you'd have all the stuff you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 "Your eyes are not necessarily reliable companions when determining where chemistry lies." I think eyes are number one when it comes to determining physical attraction. I also don't think you can force chemistry. If all it took was a kiss to kick start physical attraction, wow...what a world it would be. Sometimes it's very hard to initiate a kiss with someone you just have no interest in kissing or leading on. This is really a tough one. The poster perhaps ought to try the kiss route...if he chooses...it may certainly be worth a go. But he shouldn't get his hopes up. Some people just ain't good kissers. (And some people don't have good "kissers"). Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 Ah, but Tony, the kiss tells all! I suppose bad kissers can be taught, so far in my admittedly limited experience, however, kiss talent was a good predictor of other ... ahem....talents. It doesn't have to be a French kiss, either. You just need to get close enough to exchange pheremones; a buss on the lips will do if it's going to work at all. Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 so what if they do end up kissing... by the sounds of it hes already crossed the line by sleeping with her everynight but feels nothing towards her sexually however doesnt have the balls (sorry) to let her know hes not attracted to her that way.... and has come here for advice..... um id say dude dont try kissing, it may make things worse... you know yourself whether your interested or not.... sorry moimeme although you have a very good point.... i just dont think its a good idea... I have explained to her that I am not interested in being together now and I don't know if I ever will be (which seems to be ignored). I have no desire to kiss her or to sleep with her for that matter. What really bothers me is that she does not seem to take my warnings to heart. I can tell she is getting deeper and deeper into the "relationship". Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 whoopsie! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 I'm talking a single kiss. Hell's bells, you get Christmas kisses from coworkers and birthday kisses from friends. It's just one bloomin' kiss! Unless someone is actually repulsive to you, all this focus on appearance is ridiculous. What if someone you marry becomes disfigured due to injury or disease? What if you become blind? How on earth can people be spending so much time on worrying about people's looks, particularly when it's easier to find a good-looking human than it is to find a wonderful one? If people are actually rejecting potential mates because they don't get horny immediately at the sight of them, well, they deserve being alone. That is just craziness. Passion depends on so much more than looks that they should be the last consideration. It's the person you love, not the shell that contains the person! In fact, my test of love for myself is 'would you still love X if he became really fat or ended up paralyzed'? When I answer yes, I know I love. As de Saint-Exupery wrote: "Goodbye," said the fox. "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." The Little Prince, chapter 21 Antoine de Saint-Exupery http://www.spiritual.com.au/articles/prince/PrinceCh21.htm Link to post Share on other sites
Author badz2801 Posted October 28, 2003 Author Share Posted October 28, 2003 Hey Thank you all for your replies. First just to clear up a few things. 1. I am 21 years old, so physical appearance is high on my list. 2. I have already kissed her and I got mixed results. I decided to kiss her based on the notion that perhaps I could still be intimate with her regardless of appearance. Unfortunately after that I had no desire to do it again. 3. Despite the fact that I do not find her attractive, there is actually some chemistry (otherwise I would have just dropped it). She is very smart and highly intuitive. She can keep up with me in conversation and in playing head games. She understands many of the issues relating to my ex and has even helped me to overcome some of them. She holds her own in ideological / psychological battles (most couples have this). In fact what I really like is her ability to call B.S. on me. She is not afraid to speak her mind and or offer her opinion. So basically she is awesome in the brains department. Basically it feels like a scale.....with physical beauty being the densest and all her other characteristics are less dense than physical beauty. In all honesty it is not about having balls or not having them. I do not wish to hurt this person, period. She is very good to me and has helped me. To this day I am still good friends with her as she is probably my closest female friend. I fear that I will loose my friendship if I tell her the truth. She is not the kind of person who will just forget about her feelings for me and the rejection I may cause her. She will remember and I will no longer have her as a close friend. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted October 28, 2003 Share Posted October 28, 2003 At the risk of gendertyping, my experience is that women are generally more forgiving of average looks than men. Now there's a certain point at which a man can say "I love her no matter what" but that usually comes a lot later in the relationship, when he's allowed himself to develop a sense of emotional attachment. Looks do matter. If the physical attraction isn't there from the start, it's hard to get it going. Not saying that all guys are this way, not saying that all women are forgiving of average looks, but "on average," I'd say this theory holds up. Women like good looking men the same way men like good looking babes. But I think a woman is more inclined to say "Maybe his face ain't the best, but he's funny, smart and, well, just an overall decent guy. Yeah, I kinda like him." A man, on the other hand, looks at a woman and says "Whoa...check her out!" or "Oh, hi!" People of both genders of course have to work within the parameters of their own attraction quotient. After a while, a guy knows what he's capable of pulling off. After a while, he knows whether or not he can get a hottie, a cutie, or a girl next door. Me, I've dated one or two hotties, but I'm generally more comfortable dating someone who's either cute or the girl next door. Gorgeous women are dangerous. When a woman's beautiful, she knows it - and sometimes she'll use that as power or leverage. I don't waste my time with that anymore. I'm fine with the 6's or 7's instead of the 8's and 9's. To me a 6 or 7 is more than capable of satisfying my sexual needs, particularly if she's into good health and has good stamina, and especially if she's got the total package (i.e. brains, kindness, integrity). Attraction's a funny thing. I think everyone needs that physical attraction from the start, though. Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted October 28, 2003 Share Posted October 28, 2003 I think moimeme has kind of overlooked the point that he "does not want to hurt her feelings" as he stated in his first letter... to kiss her (and he has stated that he has in his 2nd response) would ad insult to injury, in my opinion. It may mislead her into thinking their is more to the relationship than he is willing to give or even has interest in. Dude maintain a healthy relationship by stating your intentions to her but do it in a tactful way (I know you said you have already and that it seems to be ignored.) And to be quite honest if she does attract you the other ways (intellectually etc...) use that as your strong points and those are things you appreciate about her, and that your not wanting to jeopardize the good friendship you have with her. Good luck! plz stop me if I ramble on too much lol Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 28, 2003 Share Posted October 28, 2003 to kiss her (and he has stated that he has in his 2nd response) would ad insult to injury, in my opinion The ship has sailed on this. He's already done it, you see. Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted October 28, 2003 Share Posted October 28, 2003 Exactly, my point exactly! However that does not answer his question of why he asked the question in the first place, "to not hurt her" as hes not attracted to her. Im sorry badz2801 I hope this isnt as confusing to you as it is now to me. LOL Link to post Share on other sites
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