The alternative option to no contact

[Miguelrg]

Hey guys,

 

i'm almost 4 months post breakup, 3 weeks NC after a lot of hassle... i did all the things this thread told me not to do

 

I have moved now and got a new job, going the gym etc but today i still feel a void, the wound is still deep but i'm not as bad as before..

 

Can i still use this method in one last attempt?

How could i if she doesn't call?

 

She lives in Australia so its pretty hopeless anyway

[hijack]

can't thank you enough. Reading your post makes me feel a lot better about my situation!

[Nuala83]

Although this method will prolong the healing process, it may be the only way to get back a lost love. It's a risk some of us are willing to take.

 

You're right, it is a BIG risk and I think we all know what the pitfalls could be i.e. prolonged healing if reconciliation doesn't happen or ending up as "just friends". But sometimes you've gotta take some big gambles in life to get the big rewards.

 

Let's not forget, a lot of people who bang on about NC are using that as a tactic to try and win someone back (not all of them obviously but a fair portion). That's also risky. For every ex that misses their mate, another one just forgets them and moves on.

[drummerprince81]

I think you need a good balance of LC (so bouts of NC) and a good idea of what you intend to do, and obviously rely on the hands of fate as well. I think too much NC is dangerous.

[Nuala83]

Hey guys,

 

i'm almost 4 months post breakup, 3 weeks NC after a lot of hassle... i did all the things this thread told me not to do

 

I'm guessing when you say "all the things the thread told me not to do" you mean saying I love you and acting needy and sad etc??? Don't feel bad Miguelrg, I did them too! I'll bet you're in good company here. I only stopped this behaviour a week and a half ago when my ex called me and we had a brief friendly conversation. He's called a couple of times since then and conversations are so much easier now. Probably because I'm no longer acting like a sad jilted bitter ex.

 

I honestly can't tell you wether or not it'd be wise for you to try this. That's completely up to you and you need to rely on your own judgement. If you're happy to take the risk, go for it. If you think it's best to stay away, move on and heal, do that. It's pretty tricky with your ex being in Australia though...

[Miguelrg]

Hey just had to re type this,

 

I basically because i had to keep in touch over money, i kept telling her how i realised what mistakes i'd made and how i wish we could change things.

 

I stopped when she told a mutual friend she wasnt gonna bother replying to my last email as she just didnt care at all anymore. that was 3 weeks ago

 

very difficult as she lives in oz + she never contacts me anyway and we're not facebook friends

[Nuala83]

I think too much NC is dangerous.

 

Yeah I think that too sometimes. Obviously you don't wanna have too much contact...but no contact can be just as painful. All I know from past experience is that regret is a terrible thing

[Soul Bear]

Hey Nuala and Mig =]

How you guys doing?

 

Well done!!VVVVV

Its true! It works!

 

I pretty much followed this advise (although not intentionally to get my ex back) and this week I got an email from my ex saying that he still loves me!

 

Of course now I am so, so happy being single, so I don't really care that much but I do like the ego boost!

 

[Nuala83]

Hi Soul Bear,

 

I’m doing pretty good! I still have my sad moments but day by day I’m getting back more pieces of the pride, dignity and self respect that I lost in the post break up period. It’s a nice feeling when you know your life’s heading in a more positive direction. I start a new job at the end of the month (hurray) and I’m currently looking for a new flat and someone to share said flat with me!

 

Incidentally, I received a couple of calls from my ex about a week ago and rather than ignoring the calls I decided to pick up. They were very brief conversations about nothing too significant but my ex was almost verging on being friendly and that was nice. I’m at the stage now where I can’t be bothered with any animosity so we exchanged small talk and that was that. He’s called back a couple of times since then but I haven’t been there to pick up. I’m just too damn busy to engage in idle chit chat! But hey, now I’m starting to feel good about myself again, I don’t begrudge the occasional (very occasional) phone call.

 

How are things with you and your ex Soul? Is she still being cold towards you? Just keep hanging on in there. It takes a long time to recover from a broken heart but it does mend and I find that the hurt and rejection makes you more determined to pull yourself together and show everyone that you’re not defeated and you are the same amazing, interesting, funny, talented person you once were…..in fact an even better version.

[drummerprince81]

Soul Bear had a bad night last night...by the sounds of things...

[Nuala83]

Thanks Drummerprince, I just checked out his thread.

 

Hang on in there Soulbear!!!

[wow123]

Nuala,

 

Do you think LC is still a good idea if the person that dumped you started seeing someone else?

[moet70]

I had dinner with my ex last night,

 

I had been reciting the list for the last two days

 

I had my game plan prepared

 

It was all good, I looked fab, he was clearly in a major commitment phobic state...very edgy

 

We spent the first two hours general chit chat...it was great

 

then things went down hill, I did everything the list says not to do...questioning him, getting upset, I couldn't help it.

 

We went on a holiday 3 weeks ago for a week and it was like a honeymoon, this was the first time I had seen him since, the holiday left a lot of questions in my mind, eg: if we get along so well on holiday why are we not together?

 

He said "I hate seeing you upset like this, I have answered all these questions before, I can't wait for you to meet someone so you can move on, stop analysing everything, not everything is black and white.

 

I said " I know I know, I'm sorry but there is stuff i need to get off my chest then I can move on, just bear with me...we talked about his commitment phobia ...and his current attitdude to life " everyone get away from me!!!"

 

The funniest thing is he confides all of this secret stuff to me..I wonder why he does that, and a few times I got up and said let's end this conversation and go..eg: giving him an out...he just sat there and then dropped into my place to fix my tap on the way home.

 

We hugged goodbye, I said we need to cut contact, he said " Kel, not everything is black and white"

 

I actually woke up this morning feeling at peace, I had gotten what I wanted to say off my chest.

 

I just read the book He's scared/she's scared stephen carter...I think I might give it to him to read to understand himself a bit better and perhaps seeek some counselling.

 

thanks for listening

[Nuala83]

 

Don’t call them

At least don’t be the one to always initiate the calls. If they phone you it’s fine to answer and its fine to return calls but don’t be at their beck and call. Your ex might be happy for the two of you to slip into a friend relationship where they call you as much as they used to; you go out all the time but with none of the perks of a relationship. If that’s what you want, fine. If not, don’t settle. Depending on how much the two of you used to chat on the phone, cut it right back. If they’re calling every day of the week, only be available to talk once or twice a week and even then only for a short time. You can chat, be happy to hear from them and be interested in what they have to say but you have a life to lead so always be the one to wrap up the call with a simple “It was nice to hear from you but I’ve got to go” or “I’m just on my way out now, we’ll chat another time”. Something to that effect. If on the other hand they’re not calling you at all, just leave them be for the moment. In a few weeks if they’ve still not phoned, you might want to call them up for a quick chat to see how they are. Keep it brief and friendly and see how that goes.

 

 

Y'know,

 

looking back at this piece of advice, I think it should be ammended. If your ex hasn't phoned after a few weeks and you're still in a bad place emotionally, DO NOT CALL!

 

I think for people like Soulbear (sorry I'm not trying to pick on you Soul I'm just trying to illustrate a point) it'd be too much and they wouldn't be able to resist the urge to go over things "one last time".

 

I guess in some instances cutting off contact even if it's temporarily is the only way to go. In some instances that is....everyone's different!

[Nuala83]

Nuala,

 

Do you think LC is still a good idea if the person that dumped you started seeing someone else?

 

Blimey wow123 I really don't know. The advice didn't come from me. I just posted it cos I thought it was interesting and different.

 

If you're able to handle the fact that he or she might bring up their new flame I guess you could accept calls FROM them...but I wouldn't go out of my way to contact them. Not for a while anyways.

[Nuala83]

 

I had dinner with my ex last night,

 

I had been reciting the list for the last two days

 

I had my game plan prepared

 

It was all good, I looked fab, he was clearly in a major commitment phobic state...very edgy

 

We spent the first two hours general chit chat...it was great

 

then things went down hill, I did everything the list says not to do...questioning him, getting upset, I couldn't help it.

 

We hugged goodbye, I said we need to cut contact, he said " Kel, not everything is black and white"

 

I just read the book He's scared/she's scared stephen carter...I think I might give it to him to read to understand himself a bit better and perhaps seeek some counselling.

 

 

Don't give him the bloody book! If you do that you're saying to him "you've got problems and I think you should change them". I guarantee even if he accepts the book he wont like the message you send.

[drummerprince81]

Well...I'm kinda pleased with myself. I set myself a strategy on Thursday, and so FAR its working but again, I can't read into it too much and I can't get my hopes up. In fact, I feel like my hopes have slightly subsided today but I'm not giving up. I had more friendly contact from my ex yesterday, again asking how I'm doing (I had sent a group text and inadvertently sent one to her about something I'm doing tonight) but obviously, it was friendly rather than 'romantic'. She also hinted that she is willing to see me (not in as much words but she apoligised that she couldn't make the event), and it sounds like she has been checking my friends out on Myspace too by something else she said. My problem is - as much as need to strike up a friendship again, I am on thin ice because I don't want to be too much of a friend, and become just that. I'm the love of her life, and I want to remain that way.

 

I'm not sure how to respond though. Last time I responded when she contacted me I acted hastily. I need to be cool...there are so many options. Do I leave it a day? Do I not respond at all? Do I respond today?!? Its so hard knowing what to do, but at the moment I'm doing okay. Its better than it was 2 months ago. And this thread has helped me greatly. Thanks Nuala. There are so many combinations to everything. Some people go NC, others don't. Its such a mixed bag and nothing is set in stone.

[m00nstone]

Nuala, thank you for posting this. I was on this forum a lot about a year or so ago but stopped checking it simply because NC and the NC purists just sort of... annoyed me! Not that NC doesn't work in some situations or that I haven't done it, but the anger behind some of the NC-plugging posts is a little bit scary, and as many have pointed out, there are some who are pursuing NC for the wrong reasons.

 

In any case, I've just ended things with my longtime SO (he describes our relationship as always a half-relationship... we broke up about a year ago, but the break was not a break, really). I told him not to call me or try to see me. It's so nice to see this post because this is what I much prefer to do. I know it's bad to go back on NC, but I hate NC. From the summary of the situation, it seems like I'm the dumper, but he is the one who has always had the upper hand in this relationship. It's a very long story, as usual. I think it may be best to start with a little NC and ease very, very slowly into this plan, giving us both time to grow as people, date (maybe even seriously) around, and clear the air in the relationship.

 

Congratulations to everyone who has succeeded or is making progress through sticking with this plan. It's refreshing to see that it is possible to move forward, with or without your SO, without going cold-turkey. Gack, this was a long post. Sorry!

[Nuala83]

It's really hard to know what to do since there are so many options. I think if your ex initiates contact it's ok to reciprocate just so long as you're not allowing yourself to be strung along. Though sometimes it's hard to tell.

 

I do think it's best to leave them to initiate contact though unless it's been a really long time and it doesn't look like they're gonna. Even that's risky!

 

Drummer, I think it's great that you realise you shouldn't act hastily. Cos that's when the problems start and you risk saying the first things that come to mind (which are almost always the wrong things to say). I think it's good to think about the response you're gonna give if they initiate contact. Personally I like to mull things over before I respond to my ex. I learned that the hard way!

[BearPower]

Why couldnt i just be strong enough to do this when i had the chance?

I hate NC...its true...I do....

 

I wish we could just talk and catch up

[BearPower]

After reading this thread, and the stories shared, advice given- it has really had a profound effect on me...

 

In fact, you all seem rather mature.

 

So you remember my bad day the other day....my STUPID email...my needy wimpy email.

Well I have come up with a response. (oh no-I can hear you cry)

 

Its a response to her email. I dont expect a reply, but I dont want the last thing she heard from me as being weak, immature and not understanding.

Even if she cant be understanding to me, it takes 2 to tango. I want to take the wind out of her sails and have a peaceful NC month.....She has responded well when I have been mature and understanding

 

 

Sorry in the late reply, I'm away at the moment for the next while, and have limited time for Internet.

I had no idea you felt that way about the relationship...no idea at all

Wish we had talked about it and fixed it when it was an issue. I completely understand where you are coming from now.

I respect your decision and no matter what, You will always be a big part of my life.

I'm grateful for the last 4.5 years we spent together, and thank you for sharing such an amazing time with me.

I hope your well and taking care of yourself.

SoulBear

 

 

 

is a reply to-

 

Clearly you don't understand how absolutely serious I am about this.

 

It's too late SoulBear. I've long since moved on. I had no freedom in our relationship. None at all. "I" had pretty much ceased to exist. I had become a "we" (at your insistence, might I add). Look I'm sure you have learned an awful lot but after all I've been through I just have no desire whatsoever to give things another go. I changed plenty over the course of our relationship, you barely changed at all. It was so easy for me, leaving you this time. As simple as open the cage door and out I fly. I have felt incredible ever since, rediscovering my precious freedom. I know you've heard all this before but feel it necessary to reiterate it cos you clearly don't understand that because of this I could not have those kind of feelings for you again.

 

If this all sounds like I'm being harsh, then again its cos I feel I have to be in order for you to get the message. And cos it's the god honest truth. I do not want to be with you. Accept and move on. It's all you can do here. It's over, we're done. I'm gone.

When I first read it I was so angry, and a little sad, but now I feel different.

 

 

Im on the fence here.....some advice would be really good.....

 

Stay NC and let the distance grow, OR she MIGHT miss me and say sorry.

or

Send this as LC, stay NC for 30 days while I am away, and wait for her to get in touch...

 

This is the most mature way of doing it, but I dont know if it will be the best??

[Nuala83]

Why couldnt i just be strong enough to do this when i had the chance?

I hate NC...its true...I do....

 

I wish we could just talk and catch up

 

Maybe one day you'll be able to do that Soul but not right now. Let the dust settle for the time being

 

I hate the whole NC thing too! It's been 5 days since my ex last contacted me and I think any contact between us is gonna be very limited. But if and when he does call, I'll be keeping my cool and reminding myself that I don't need him to make me happy. I'm perfectly capable of making myself happy

[Nuala83]

 

Well I have come up with a response. (oh no-I can hear you cry)

 

Its a response to her email. I dont expect a reply, but I dont want the last thing she heard from me as being weak, immature and not understanding.

 

Sorry in the late reply, I'm away at the moment for the next while, and have limited time for Internet.

I had no idea you felt that way about the relationship...no idea at all

Wish we had talked about it and fixed it when it was an issue. I completely understand where you are coming from now.

I respect your decision and no matter what, You will always be a big part of my life.

I'm grateful for the last 4.5 years we spent together, and thank you for sharing such an amazing time with me.

I hope your well and taking care of yourself.

 

SoulBear

 

Im on the fence here.....some advice would be really good.....

 

Stay NC and let the distance grow, OR she MIGHT miss me and say sorry.

or

Send this as LC, stay NC for 30 days while I am away, and wait for her to get in touch...

 

This is the most mature way of doing it, but I dont know if it will be the best??

 

Wow Soul this email is a million times better than your last one!!! It's not needy, desperate, angry or bitter. Very short and sweet. However, if I were you I wouldn't send it yet. Leave it for a couple of days AT LEAST and see how you feel then. I know you'll be itching to send it but I strongly recommend waiting for a bit. You may look at it in a couple of days and want to make ammendments or not wish to send it at all!

 

I like the bit about you respecting her decision but if I were you (and this is just a personal preference) I wouldn't tell her she'll always be a big part of your life and I'm not sure if I would put this, as lovely as it sounds.

"I'm grateful for the last 4.5 years we spent together, and thank you for sharing such an amazing time with me."

 

Sorry I'm not trying to be picky here cos I think that's a pretty good response if you're determined to give one.

 

I'm not sure what advice I could give right now....I'd need to think about it. I'm not a NC purist and I usually see no harm in LC but it's hard to say.

[BearPower]

Thanks Nuala,

 

Yeah, I feel like me 'playing' Nc has just made things worse, I feel like I have been playing immature games instead of trying to make things better, or at least neutral.

 

I dont know, its just after reading tjis thread, it seems like the mature thing to do ya know?

 

Im still sad, but Im starting to accept that its happened, and that things would never work the way they were.

 

Not quite sure which path to take here, but I dont expect a response to it either way for at least a few months. I just dont wanna lewave on a bitter note, I dont want her to feelbad about what she said, as I did ask for it anyway....ugh, its just all games. Im kind of sick of thegames.

 

I went to bed lastnight, and after an hour of not being able to sleep, I came back down and wrote that, as it was going through my head...

Ill leave it a bit longer, if you have anymore ideas, or anyone has any critiscism, im all ears.

 

I agree with what you said to Nuala about some parts.

I gues she would be expecting no reply from me tho, or even an angry, bitter reply like the one I wrote the other day but never sent!! thank god!!!

 

This kind of gets the message across about her comunication problem too, in a very roundabout way!

[drummerprince81]

Dude - do you know what I think you should do? Write a song. Write a few. Write a happy one, and a bare all emotions one about your ex. You said you are a professional musician! Just no emails!!! Put what you want to say into words, and record it and when you done, send me the CD. Write a song that if you ever performed it and she heard it, it could make her cry. This will be your NC.

 

I know you think NC made things worse, but having read your story, I think contact made it worse. I made things worse with my ex by unnecessary contact, and the WRONG contact methods, and now all of a sudden she is being nice to me. Unfortunately, I had no further response from her this weekend and I was kinda hoping I'd hear from her yesterday. I'll be using your advice this week by playing it cool. See, I've gone from NC to LC (although it feels like torture).

 

Write some songs!