The alternative option to no contact

[Nuala83]

When I say hot and cold, she was very cold for the first 1-3 months. In the last 2 weeks she has been friendly to me twice via text message but nothing more. It shocked me, coz I didn't think I'd be hearing from her. I was always worried about calling in the first 3 months. Now I feel like the door is open slightly. And yeah, she finished with me.

 

I don't think she was contacting me coz she was bored...I think she is being a bit stubborn and proud in her efforts to communicate with me...but I know I'm putting a lot at risk...if it goes horribly wrong then I guess I go NC!!! Do you think its wise to bring up memories (good ones only)?

 

Ohh now I see what you're saying.

 

I don't think it's wise to bring up good memories. Once again you'd think it'd be a good idea. Seems logical but for some strange reason doing that often pushes them away. If she brings them up that's fine, but I wouldn't be the one to do it.

 

I see why you think the door is open slightly. It does kinda sound that way.

 

D'ya know what Drummer...I'm not really sure what you should do! Anyone else got some advice for him????

 

 

Oh and when I say playing 'keep away' I don't mean hanging up if they phone you, or saying "leave me alone I'm doing NC" (haha it makes me laugh when people tell their ex's that!).

[drummerprince81]

Thats why I'm so confused Nuala! I don't know what to do either. I want to call, but I'm still nervous.

 

Arguments For Calling > enables first conversation in 3.5 months; she might open up; step 2 completed in my own path to reconcilation; allows me to get a sense of perspective/vibe for future contact...following my heart!

 

Arguments Against Calling > less chance of me saying something stupid; burning my bridges; hearing her voice will fill me with false hope or bring me down even more; could lose my control; not enough light creeping through the door yet; she might not answer...following my head!

 

As you can see more arguments against. I'm trying to be logical. But we have to talk one day!

[BearPower]

Fine.

Im insecure.

 

I dont take peoples advice when I should have and now im paying the price.

I thought i knew better.

I know the advice I was given was right, and I ignored it.

 

And my reactions are out of anger, sadness and frustration.

 

Im annoyed today, as you are all telling, still, me to go NC, when I have nothing else to do.

Its over, its done, its finished.

 

I have no desire to contact her, I have no desire to go NC, i have no desire to ever hear from her again. I just want to forget about her and move on with my life.

 

NC doesnt even come into the equation.

There is no equation anymore.

 

Drummer, dont contact her, its her move bro

[Nuala83]

Oh yeah you do not wanna lose control and get upset if you speak to her. If you think that's a possibility it might be best to leave it for a bit until you're confident that there's no chance of you losing your composure and scaring her off.

 

I guess since it's been 3.5 months without any conversations (have you spoken at all over the phone in this time or met up?) a little longer couldn't possibly hurt.

 

Very logical arguments by the way. I can see why you're confused.

 

Don't decide right now.

 

Any advice people???

 

 

I think by you responding to her texts in a friendly manner, it's showing that you're open to communication so if she's testing the waters, she should realise it's safe to call...but she hasn't. It might be best to wait for her to make a move.

[drummerprince81]

I guess since it's been 3.5 months without any conversations (have you spoken at all over the phone in this time or met up?) a little longer couldn't possibly hurt.

 

Nope - haven't spoken verbally in all that time. Neither of us have called. I didn't want to go down the phone call/text message terrorism route coz I knew that would backfire...I just know we have to speak one day because we went from phone calls every day to nothing overnight. But I guess it has to be when she wants to, or when there is another sign. I think you (Nuala) and Soul Bear are right that I should wait for her next move but I just find myself waiting for that moment. I still don't know what to do.

[Nuala83]

Well done for going three months without talking to her. That must've been tough!

[drummerprince81]

I've wanted to call everyday...but never felt like it was the right moment because 1) she didn't want to talk about us 2) it would be a one way conversation 3) I wouldn't be able to have it under control.

 

I'm glad I didn't call last night. I went out and saw her car in the car park of this place I passed. So I'm wondering if she is with someone now. Of course she could have been with friends, but I think I need to fear the worst. So the door ain't as open as I thought but she has a giant cat flap in mine which she can come through whenever she wants (seems unfair). If she contacts me again, I'm not sure I'll reply. I need to gain some power back.

[Nuala83]

The doors not fully open but it doesn't sound like it's slammed shut either. Sorry I can't be more help. I hope you figure out what to do

 

Oh and don't worry too much about gaining power back and stuff. If you think if it like that you're kinda turning it into a competition. But yeah you wanna keep your dignity about you.

 

Good luck! Keep us posted.

[Nuala83]

I'm very confused today.

 

I've been trying to follow the advice I posted on page 1 of this thread in the hope of being able to move on with my life and feel happier but also (I'm almost ashamed to admit this) in the hope that I might leave the door open for a reconciliation in the future.

 

Now the reasons I'm so confused are...

 

The more I act happy and don't show any signs of being depressed over the breakup, the more indifferent I feel about things i.e. him.

 

The more I get out there trying new things the more I think to myself 'why the hell haven't I been doing this sooner?'

 

The less I react to any mention he makes of another girl, the less jealous I feel and whereas a month ago I'd be burning inside at the though of him being with another woman, now I'm not so bothered.

 

I kinda feel the advice for me anyways is working but I never expected the love to begin to fade in such a short time....I should mention that every now and again, the bitterness creeps up on me so I guess there is still some love there but my feelings are changing.

 

 

ALSO, in the past few weeks (about 3 or so) that I've been following this advice, he's been initiating a lot more contact with me. He's been calling up under the pretence of wanting to tell me something important when it's quite obvious that he just wants to chat. He called me up about a week ago, we had a friendly chat (a brief one), I cut the conversation short then I hear nothing more until 5 days later when it was "hey how are you, what you been up to, I haven't seen u in ages, can we meet up sometime?" I told him I had to find out when my work shifts would be before I could agree to meeting then I hung up. 5 minutes later, he's on messenger (he rarely signs in). The very next day he call up and says "It's been so long since I've seen you, I've missed you". First time he's said that in 3.5 months. He asked if I wanted to meet up and I said that might be nice sometime, I cut the conversation short again. A couple of hours later he calls again and says "so meeting up, how about Sunday?".

 

I don't know what to think. It's very possible that he just wants to be friends. In fact that's probably all it is. I just find that after all this time and all the hurt, I'm finally starting to feel ok so I wanna keep him at arms length. I do NOT wanna let my guard down again and I'm not even sure if I want a friendship or not. A few weeks ago he said we were best friends and I responded with "I wouldn't say that". I didn't say it to inflict hurt or to make him insecure, it's how I felt at the time. Funny how things change.

[Nuala83]

Well I'm gonna be meeting up with me ex today for the first time in ages. I'm kinda nervous about it but I think I can handle it now I've become much stronger in these past few weeks.

 

He called me up 3 times yesterday.

 

Once to ask if I wanted to meet up sometimes. I said I'd think about it and get back to him.

 

Twice to tell me he had a day off on Tuesday and he though it'd be nice if we met then. I told him that'd be ok but I'd need to get back to him.

 

Third time he wanted to know if Tuesday was ok and he asked if we could meet for lunch. I said "yeah sure that sounds nice. See you then".

 

That level of contact would have been unheard of a few weeks ago. I'm not gonna get too excited though because I've noticed from other peoples stories that the second you do that is usualy the second they bring your world crashing down on you. It's just a meet up and I'm gonna take it for what it is.

 

Let's see how it goes....

[drummerprince81]

Positive news Nuala. Sounds like you have it under control! Play hard to get. I'm sure you know what to do. Is it today you are meeting? Best to go without a plan, and see what happens.

 

I haven't heard from my ex lately...I'm wondering whether to just iniatiate a call. She is stubborn but at the same maybe she just doesn't want to talk. Can people change that fast? Can people lose that love and respect so easily, if they are sensitive? I'm nervous just as much as you!

 

Good luck.

[Leveller]

Like many of you here I still wrestle with the NC conundrum. I am resisting every temptation to text or call or see her and this is the longest we haven't seen other since we started seeing each other last year. I am finding it difficult to say the least.

 

It has been over 30 days since NC started and I thought she would have been in touch by now as we've always been close even after the mutual split. Although she is seeing someone else and I said I would not be in contact until I got a job I miss staying in touch. She obviously doesn't feel the same though otherwise she would have dropped me a text or rung.

 

It's my birthday tomorrow as well...I expect the same stony silence unfortunately.

[Nuala83]

Thanks drummer!

 

I'm very fortunate in that my ex initiated contact. He never said he didn't want to hear from me again and he was determined we were gonna remain friends. At this point though I have no way of knowing if that's all he wants. I think I'll just wait and see how things pan out. We've only been back on good terms now for a short time (3 weeks-ish) so I don't expect anything to happen (if it's even gonna happen) right now.

 

So anyways, I met him today and it went alright. We had lunch, we had a drink, we enjoyed the sun and although there were a few awkward moments, on a whole the atmosphere wasn't uncomfortable. I made NO mention of relationship stuff and I just took it for what it was. I only saw him for a couple of hours because he had work but before he left he said "give me a hug" which I did. Then he asked when I would next be free.

 

All in all not bad I think. He's more comfortable around me now than he was so that's a start. I'm feeling pretty good right now and I'm so glad I managed not to be crazy

 

 

p.s. I was completely torn over the NC conundrum as well but I found that when I ceased contact with him but waited for him to call on his terms, he softened up a bit. Time will tell if this was a good idea or not. Who knows, I may post on here in 6 months time only to tell you that we're friends and nothing more.

[xXxshootingstarxXx]

Thanks drummer!

 

I'm very fortunate in that my ex initiated contact. He never said he didn't want to hear from me again and he was determined we were gonna remain friends. At this point though I have no way of knowing if that's all he wants. I think I'll just wait and see how things pan out. We've only been back on good terms now for a short time (3 weeks-ish) so I don't expect anything to happen (if it's even gonna happen) right now.

 

So anyways, I met him today and it went alright. We had lunch, we had a drink, we enjoyed the sun and although there were a few awkward moments, on a whole the atmosphere wasn't uncomfortable. I made NO mention of relationship stuff and I just took it for what it was. I only saw him for a couple of hours because he had work but before he left he said "give me a hug" which I did. Then he asked when I would next be free.

 

All in all not bad I think. He's more comfortable around me now than he was so that's a start. I'm feeling pretty good right now and I'm so glad I managed not to be crazy

 

 

p.s. I was completely torn over the NC conundrum as well but I found that when I ceased contact with him but waited for him to call on his terms, he softened up a bit. Time will tell if this was a good idea or not. Who knows, I may post on here in 6 months time only to tell you that we're friends and nothing more.

 

You inspire me Nuala

 

So pleased for you ((hugs)) I hope it all works out for you - keep hanging in there! My view; today was a positive step for sure - you should definitely be smiling!

[Nuala83]

Awww thanks star!

 

Smiles all round

[Leveller]

Goo luck from me too x:).

[001bh]

Likewise Nuala, you're inspiring me too. I'm going to try your alternative. No way to tell yet, but it sound like if anything you're having fun with it.

[asuman]

As much as I'd like to believe these "methods" would work, I'm just not seeing it.

 

NC is the only way. Think about it. There isn't a single reason in the world why the dumper couldn't spend 3 seconds texting you, or emailing you, or dialing your number on their cellphone to see how you're doing. You sit there pining away missing that person and wondering if they're thinking about you. Don't you want that person to be feeling the same way? (1) Not going to happen if you keep calling her. (2) It may never happen anyway, in which case you are chasing after a fool's paradise.

 

Folks, she has your number. She has your email address. She knows how to contact you if she actually wanted or needed to do so. If she's not even going to bother doing so after weeks and weeks of not hearing from you, why do you want to continue being dragged through the mud with such indifference? Just imagine if you were as equally indifferent to her as she is to you. You're on an even playing field then, right? Again, not going to happen if you keep delaying your acceptance of the end of your relationship by contacting her.

 

Get over the relationship. Then make decisions about what to do next. Now if only I could figure out how to follow my own advice.

[Nuala83]

As much as I'd like to believe these "methods" would work, I'm just not seeing it.

 

Odd...since I've been following these 'rules' if you wanna call them that, my ex has been contacting me on a regular basis.

 

You sit there pining away missing that person and wondering if they're thinking about you.

 

Where on my list does it say you should be 'pining away'? True I do think about my ex as many of us on here do but by NO means do I sit around waiting for the phone to ring.

 

Don't you want that person to be feeling the same way? (1) Not going to happen if you keep calling her.

 

Once again, where on my list does it say to keep calling them??? I said it'd be ok to call them if you haven' spoken to them in weeks but I never said to call persistently and I did also say that you should be be letting them initiate contact.

 

Folks, she has your number. She has your email address. She knows how to contact you if she actually wanted or needed to do so. If she's not even going to bother doing so after weeks and weeks of not hearing from you, why do you want to continue being dragged through the mud with such indifference?

 

In my case my ex has contacted me. A fair few people on here (though not all) have been contacted by their ex's.

 

 

ass-man, I like brutally honest advice on my threads I really do but judging by your recent reply, you haven't even bothered to read my original post.

[wanjirum]

Hi everyone,

 

I must admit I am finally happy to meet people on this forum who are not NC blind followers. I do believe every situation is independent as such there can never be a direct template to follow. I do agree that in some cases NC is a necessity to heal. However at the same time finding that important balance is what matters as mature adults who were once in a relationship. The problem with the forum everyone preaches NC. as some NC purist followers, but what about 60+ days of NC later ... what then ???

 

In my case my ex broke no contact and I proceeded to maintain contact. However he hasn't contacted me for over two weeks now . Pretty blue about it .... I am not sure if I should be the one in the driving seat (seeing that even during our relationship I was the one who ensured communication was effective). Please look at my post "should I break NC or when is it okay to break NC ???" I do believe in the 'utopian' fantasy ex's can be friends and very good ones at that .... I am just confused that if I do too much it might push him away. And in this case I wouldn't mind giving us another chance.

 

Hope to hear your input .

 

Cheers ....

[Nuala83]

Wanjirum,

 

I left a response on your thread.

 

Not sure if it's of any help but it's done now.

[Beeotch]

Honestly, to me this just seems like willfully stringing yourself along.

 

Someone just said if they didnt contact you for 60 days then what? Then they don't want to talk to you!....clearly.

 

Everyone does what's best for them...but then we also delude ourselves sometimes.

 

Anyway....me personally, I don't contact my ex, when he contacts me, I MAY or MAY NOT respond, but I guess it is not completely NC becomes SOMETIMES I do respond.

 

Anyway...what is the point of this alternative in a nutshell? To get the person back? Or what?

[Nuala83]

I no longer give a flying F U C K!

[Lisalisa2]

The thing is, even if they do want to keep in contact after leaving you, they still left. They are still moving on with their lives. Yes, they care about you and want to be friends, but they don't understand how hard it is for you.

 

My ex can't believe I have gone NC and for a long time kept contacting me. I think he has the message now. No, I didn't want to go NC, but honestly, it has been the only way I could move on. I love him, I never wanted him out of my life, I never wanted him to leave. BUT HE DID.

 

If I kept in contact I don't think I would have progressed as far as I have. I deserve better than to be hung up on someone who doesn't love me.

[JadeAyanami]

This is the best advice I have received yet!! I love the last paragraph the most. I am really going to get my game on now!! Thank you so very much for posting!! ^_^