What's a gal to do.......

[confusedinkansas]

I need to vent for a second because my heart is pounding out of my chest.

Some of you know my story - briefly....Married 29 yrs. Affair 4 yrs. ago - off & on for 3 yrs. Left husband (not because of affair because of other issues) Affair guy comes round during my separation (he's divorced now)- but had a married girlfriend at the time - we tried to be friends & only friends didn't work.

FF to now...working on my marriage with my husband - Hard road - but still working at it.

 

The reason I"m freaking out today is that the Affair guy just texted me! ("how ya been") I haven't heard from him since I bumped into him at a restaurant over valentines day weekend (totally by accident - i was with my husband)

I haven't spoken to him since mid-December.

 

I had a suspicious feeling about this particular week - His birthday is Friday, I put my notice in on my apartment, doubting a few decisions...etc.

 

hells bells - how do you all handle situations like this.

I'm probably going to just ignore it! Although then he'll probably email me. Who knows.

My gut tells me that maybe his married girlfriend dumped him. Even if I were single, am about 90% sure I'd not go back to that - he's a serial cheater & at 47 I don't need that in my life right now....& it's weird how just a simple text message makes me second guess my decision to be with my husband........what a mumble-jumble mess he makes of my thoughts.

 

thanks for letting me vent for a sec. & now's as good a time as any to say THANKS! to all of you for your great input!...Even if we don't always agree - this is still a great forum.

[JohnDoe1]

I know i myself have posted in this section before and i should be the last one to give relationship advice but i feel i would throw my two cents in..

if the only reason he is calling you, like you said, is if he broke up with his married girlfriend, then he isnt really looking to you for a relationship. maybe a booty call of some sort. if you are trying to work things out with your husband and you reply to his text message, where does that put you? back where you started from in the beginning. how does this help you? it doesnt. all the hard work you have done to get back with your husband is gone. i know that you might still have feelings for this other person but you have shared a romantic involvement with this person. to me that feeling or knowledge will last a lifetime. i dont know if you are second guessing this decision with your husband but i think you are definately wanting a connection with someone right now. why not make it your husband?

[HsMomma]

I need to vent for a second because my heart is pounding out of my chest.

Some of you know my story - briefly....Married 29 yrs. Affair 4 yrs. ago - off & on for 3 yrs. Left husband (not because of affair because of other issues) Affair guy comes round during my separation (he's divorced now)- but had a married girlfriend at the time - we tried to be friends & only friends didn't work.

FF to now...working on my marriage with my husband - Hard road - but still working at it.

 

The reason I"m freaking out today is that the Affair guy just texted me! ("how ya been") I haven't heard from him since I bumped into him at a restaurant over valentines day weekend (totally by accident - i was with my husband)

I haven't spoken to him since mid-December.

 

I had a suspicious feeling about this particular week - His birthday is Friday, I put my notice in on my apartment, doubting a few decisions...etc.

 

hells bells - how do you all handle situations like this.

I'm probably going to just ignore it! Although then he'll probably email me. Who knows.

My gut tells me that maybe his married girlfriend dumped him. Even if I were single, am about 90% sure I'd not go back to that - he's a serial cheater & at 47 I don't need that in my life right now....& it's weird how just a simple text message makes me second guess my decision to be with my husband........what a mumble-jumble mess he makes of my thoughts.

 

thanks for letting me vent for a sec. & now's as good a time as any to say THANKS! to all of you for your great input!...Even if we don't always agree - this is still a great forum.

 

Hey Kansas,

 

Wow - what a mess! Sounds like you had made a decision to go NC on this while working out your M with your husband & all of a sudden, Affair Dude contacts you. You say that you're 90% sure that even if you were single, you wouldn't go back to him, but then you say the text makes you second guess your decision to be with your husband. I'd say confusion reigns right now! But, if you are really wanting to work out your marriage, the ONLY choice is to ignore the text...also, if he does email you, there's nothing that says you HAVE to read it. Will you tell your H that Affair Dude texted you?

 

Run...run for the hills! Don't look back...do not pass Go...do not collect $200!!!!!

[DNU1]

thanks for letting me vent for a sec. & now's as good a time as any to say THANKS! to all of you for your great input!...Even if we don't always agree - this is still a great forum.

 

The only way you are going to recover your marriage is if you establish rock-solid NO CONTACT with the OM. Nothing, never, ever.

 

You can see what even a text does to you! Tell your husband about the text, show him the text, tell him it's OM's bday this week...and be completely honest and open. Transperency!

 

Then write up a no contact lettter. Have your husband watch you seal the envelope or hit "send" on an e-mail. Drop him completely and never have contact with him again. That's the only way you are going to be able to recover your marriage!

[confusedinkansas]

Yep I think that with this new chapter in my life (letting go of my apartment/'single' life) - There is a lot of confusion.

 

He & I (during my separation) had talked about always trying to stay friends. The affair was much deeper than just sex. But after I started falling for him all over again, I knew that wouldn't be possible. I don't want to ge the "friend" that, when he & his GF can't be together, he decides he'll call me. Or to be his FWB. So even before my H & I decided to get back together, I'd decided that less contact was the best thing for me. It went to NC TOTALLY around Feb. (we did email one afternoon after he saw me at the restaurant)

 

No, probably won't tell my husband. There's nothing to tell. I won't answer the text & IF an email comes, while I will probably read it (remember, deeper than just sex) Doesn't mean I'll answer it.

[confusedinkansas]

The only way you are going to recover your marriage is if you establish rock-solid NO CONTACT with the OM. Nothing, never, ever.

 

You can see what even a text does to you! Tell your husband about the text, show him the text, tell him it's OM's bday this week...and be completely honest and open. Transperency!

 

Then write up a no contact lettter. Have your husband watch you seal the envelope or hit "send" on an e-mail. Drop him completely and never have contact with him again. That's the only way you are going to be able to recover your marriage!

 

I understand all of this. But I can't help that he texted me. (another 2 weeks & that phone number's going away anyway-so he won't be able to do it again) Didn't ask for it (although my gut knew it would be coming this week....maybe I have ESP)

Anyway, My husband could care less about this. Remember, our separation wasn't about the affair. He was upset about the affair for maybe a DAY! I've asked him even as recently as the last month if it bothered him more than he let on. He said no. Didn't bother him. He knew I had a male friend - just didn't know how far it had gotten (way back then)

We're working thru other issues as it is Now....not that.

 

I think I'll try the "IGNORE" button first & if that doesn't work....we'll see.

[HsMomma]

No, probably won't tell my husband. There's nothing to tell. I won't answer the text & IF an email comes, while I will probably read it (remember, deeper than just sex) Doesn't mean I'll answer it.

 

I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, Kansas, but I think it's a really BAD idea not to tell your husband. If receiving the text message messed with you this much, keeping it a secret is not going to help things. Whether it was much deeper than sex really isn't the issue. If you are truly trying to make your marriage work, your husband deserves to know that Affair Dude (from this point on, known as AD ) has contacted you. I also think that reading an email from him will only deepen the confusion and mixed feelings. Again, this is all just my opinion, but you asked...I'm just trying to help.

[eyeswide]

Hey Kansas,

 

But, if you are really wanting to work out your marriage, the ONLY choice is to ignore the text...also, if he does email you, there's nothing that says you HAVE to read it. Will you tell your H that Affair Dude texted you?

 

Did you ever send a NC letter to OM? If not -- do so. And I would tell your H about the text and I would show him the NC letter you're planning to send.

 

Part of this guy's power over is you is the secrecy. I swear, it's all tangled up in the other feelings. It's like he presses the secret text message button and that sets off an attraction reaction...

 

I feel pretty confident that as soon as you tell your H about the message, you'll actually feel pretty annoyed and a lot less worked up for OM.

[boldjack]

CiK, Is this how you are going to rebuild your marriage, with more lies? Tell him.

[confusedinkansas]

I think you're right HsMomma about opening an email (IF It should come) I'm sure my heart will pound just as hard if I see it there in my in-box.

 

I have already deleted the text (otherwise I'd just keep looking at it - no matter how brief it was)

I did phone my husband right after - Didn't tell him, but actually just hearing his voice calmed me down quite a lot.

 

I am already ANNOYED that he has texted me. Annoyed, Confused, MAD. I just can't believe that after the last conversatin we had via email he'd do this. Not going to type a NC Email, because that will just lead to other contact. I know this guy....We've been down this road many many times thru-out the 3 year period of time.

[confusedinkansas]

CiK, Is this how you are going to rebuild your marriage, with more lies? Tell him.

 

The text message wasn't something I went out & sought after.

 

Just like the text messages my husband receives from bartenders asking him to "come see them" He doesn't solicite those either. (or so he says)

[HsMomma]

I think you're right HsMomma about opening an email (IF It should come) I'm sure my heart will pound just as hard if I see it there in my in-box.

 

I have already deleted the text (otherwise I'd just keep looking at it - no matter how brief it was)

I did phone my husband right after - Didn't tell him, but actually just hearing his voice calmed me down quite a lot.

 

I am already ANNOYED that he has texted me. Annoyed, Confused, MAD. I just can't believe that after the last conversatin we had via email he'd do this. Not going to type a NC Email, because that will just lead to other contact. I know this guy....We've been down this road many many times thru-out the 3 year period of time.

 

Good - stay with those emotions, Kansas - they'll help keep you where you want to be with your H. Stay strong!!

[soserious1]

What's a gal to do?

 

1. tell your husband immediately, show him the text... no more secrets, hubby needs to know OM tried to initiate contact

 

2. Get a new cell phone number ASAP

 

3. show husband new cell phone number

 

complete and total transparency.

[NoIDidn't]

I agree with the others on telling your H. I know you didn't seek out his contact, but not telling your H seems like you are still keeping secrets.

 

When my H was contacted by his exOW after we decided to reconcile, he didn't tell me initially because he figured like you did that he didn't seek it out. They would bump into each other if he went to her office. After my visceral reaction to his withholding this information, he decided to just tell me regardless of why contact happened.

 

I just wanted to know contact occurred. I didn't really expect him to tell her to fall off the face of the planet just because we were reconciling.

 

Funniest thing, though, when she found out that I knew about all of her attempts at contact, they ceased. She didn't find out from him, so it wasn't him trying to hurt her feelings. But she stopped trying to talk to him about whatever. And from what I could tell, her attempts at contact weren't threatening, she seemed to think they were really friends (my situation here may not match yours at all, as they were strangers but co-workers before the A).

 

Anyway, I think you should consider telling your H about his text. If for no other reason than to CYA should you slip up and mention it one day thinking he either already knew or wouldn't react badly - you never know.

[michelangelo]

And definitely do not respond. Not if you are to have any chance of salvaging your marriage.

 

You are strictly a booty call to that guy.

 

He's like a thief who tries every door knob on the block.

[tami-chan]

I think you're right HsMomma about opening an email (IF It should come) I'm sure my heart will pound just as hard if I see it there in my in-box.

 

I have already deleted the text (otherwise I'd just keep looking at it - no matter how brief it was)

I did phone my husband right after - Didn't tell him, but actually just hearing his voice calmed me down quite a lot.

 

I am already ANNOYED that he has texted me. Annoyed, Confused, MAD. I just can't believe that after the last conversatin we had via email he'd do this. Not going to type a NC Email, because that will just lead to other contact. I know this guy....We've been down this road many many times thru-out the 3 year period of time.

 

Hi Cik...AD (Affair Dude, thanks,HSmomma ) knows what effect he has on you. Obviously, he chose not to respect your request of NC because he believes your feelings for him trumps your feelings for your H-in a way he is mocking you. You should be mad at him. I know this is difficult because him sending you a text makes you believe that to some degree he still values you. Who wouldn't want that? BUT you are now in a different place. You love your husband. I think it is good that you called your husband for reassurance even though you did not tell him about the text. Which brings us to a different topic, why wouldn't you tell you husband about it? What do you think will happen? Do you think that if your H knows about the text, it will derail whatever progress you have made in your marriage? I think that is unlikely since you have said that your H was not really very upset about your affair. So just tell him.

 

Re: the NC letter. I am with you on this one. There is no need to send one. You are right it will just open "communication" yet again. Just drop him, it does not matter what he says on his emails or texts. I know, firsthand, NC is difficult when you are not really convinced that the person is destructive to you ( your emotional/mental health, at least) but he is no longer part of the plan and therefore must be done away with.

[OpenBook]

The text message wasn't something I went out & sought after.

 

Just like the text messages my husband receives from bartenders asking him to "come see them" He doesn't solicite those either. (or so he says)

 

Um... am I the only one who finds this odd? (and significant to the OP's situation?)

[tami-chan]

Um... am I the only one who finds this odd? (and significant to the OP's situation?)

 

I believe,OP has talked about the texts her husband gets ( or used to get) in another thread.

[boldjack]

CiK Part of the rebuilding process is absolute transparency. If you tell your H about the text, he will probably be grateful that you are showing the honesty that you both need to grow stronger. Simply tell him exactly as you've told us here at LS, that he texted you (unsolicited) and you dumped it and didn't respond. Why create a new lie? Why build a new wall between you and your H? Do you really want to reconcile? There is no reason, NOT to tell him.

[OpenBook]

I think you're assuming the H is coming clean with the OP as well. I'm not so sure, after the bartender texting thing... (How did those bartenders get his # in the first place??? And why would a bartender be texting a MM to "come see them"???)

[Reggie]

WTF is wrong with this guy? Doesn't he know you are trying to reconcile? He sounds like a nut.

[SidLyon]

The text message wasn't something I went out & sought after.

 

Just like the text messages my husband receives from bartenders asking him to "come see them" He doesn't solicite those either. (or so he says)

 

I don't think it's just like the messages your H gets from bartenders because you obviously know about them. I don't get why you are obviously so reluctant to tell your H. If he truly doesn't mind then not only will telling him not hurt him but you also achieve the kudos for being honest and transparent.

 

Frankly I am doubting that you are really putting everything into rebuilding your marriage.

 

S

[confusedinkansas]

Good Morning all...thanks for your responses.

 

• Answering some of the questions: There is another posting about why hubby's bartender texts - briefly: According to him & the ONE bartender I did call about this - It's group texting to regulars to come by when times are slow. Not that it matters - But I don't know ANY of these girls that text him.
  
• I still think that after he & I got back together he should have asked ALL of them to stop doing that. He says he won't do that because they are his friends.
  
• And, I'm with lots of you .......... WTF does a 49 year old man think by giving his cell # to a bunch of 20something bartender girlies anyway?
  

HSMsomma- Affair Dude - I love it!!!

 

I do wish I could read the affair dude's mind - What the hell is he thinking after all this time has passed.........OH & by the way - I never asked him to never contact me again. It just sort of happened.

 

And....................I did tell my husband last night.

His reaction was sort of how I expected it. Nonchalant...he asked what it said. I told him. But after I did - I was kind of pissed off at MYSELF....H (I'm sure) is never that transparent with me - I feel a HUGE weight of GUILT ... for something I didn't do.

[Owl]

That weight of guilt ties around something you DID...not something that just happened.

 

You feel guilty about THE WHOLE AFFAIR being brought back to the present day...not just guilty about receiving a text from affair dude.

 

Telling your H was the right thing to do.

 

BTW...I don't recall your other thread about your H's texts from bartenders/barflies...but I'd suggest that this isn't healthy to your marriage either.

 

Tell your H you're not comfortable with it...and that he needs to ask those bartenders to remove him from their contact lists...PERIOD.

 

There's no reason he should get that kind of stuff unless he ASKED for it.

[boldjack]

CiK, You deserve a great big "atta girl", for being honest and also for dumping the OM's text. Your H should also be as transparent with you. His ego stroking with these girls has got to stop.