What's a gal to do.......

[Snowflower]

I like Dex's stuff, for the most part. I think it would help him if he would give voice to his pain, though. I have gone though much the same as him, especially the limited access to my kids. I understand how angry the injustice of this makes a BS and how much it hurts. And, I felt like I was made a fool of. I had a lot of counseling to deal with this.

 

I truly feel bad for fathers in situations where the wife cheats and then takes the kids to be with the OM. Oftentimes, the family court system often sides with the mother and she has custody after the divorce. How unfair to the husband/father! I would imagine it would be a double-blow, or adding the most extreme insult to injury.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dex & Reggie - You make it sound like just because someone cheated - means the grass is greener on the other side of the fence - for their spouse. NOT SO! The grass is not always greener. In many cases it's WAY worse than if they'd decided to just stick it out & work things out.

 

but someone cheated on can STILL do better:) it just might take some dating around to get to that.

 

 

 

AND Yes...Telling someone they can do better....IS blasting!

 

not in the least:)

[Dexter Morgan]

My point exactly...no need to kick someone when they are down as many BS (and definitely a lot WS) are when they first come here, I know I was kicked around a bit as a BS.

 

I was still hurting and looking for others here who had been through a similar experience. Instead, I was given graphic descriptions of what happened during my husband's PA. And then it was mocked and laughed about on the thread I had started on this forum. I'm glad others were having a little amusement at my pain!

 

not be me was it laughed at. I'd never laugh at the pain some despicable person caused their BS. EVER

[Dexter Morgan]

But, the realit seems to me to be that there is really no way another person can know whether a particular BS can do better. It depends on the BS and the WS in question.

 

Very true statement. But I'll still believe that there is someone better out there for them than a cheater.

[confusedinkansas]

Very true statement. But I'll still believe that there is someone better out there for them than a cheater.

 

ahh.......the grass is greener theory!

Not always the case.

[Dexter Morgan]

ahh.......the grass is greener theory!

 

 

stay with a cheater

 

OR

 

find someone that isn't a cheater.

 

I'd say finding someone that doesn't cheat is greener.

now of course they have to have absent certain other traits, like being an abuser or something like that....but if you find someone that isn't a cheater, or someone that hasn't given you a reason to think they are cheating...you are already ahead of the game:)

[confusedinkansas]

stay with a cheater

 

OR

 

find someone that isn't a cheater.

 

I'd say finding someone that doesn't cheat is greener.

now of course they have to have absent certain other traits, like being an abuser or something like that....but if you find someone that isn't a cheater, or someone that hasn't given you a reason to think they are cheating...you are already ahead of the game:)

 

IF...

I'm not one that believes that the grass is greener. I know so many people that have been "sh**it' on .... over lots of other things - some way worse than an affair - Guess I see it as - IF you can work things out & get past the affair - You're better off - than to start over again.

[Dexter Morgan]

If I get in a wreck and the car is totalled...it can be repaired. But it won't be the same ever again. And now it has a damn carfax report on it!!!!

 

But I could drive it....but I'd be doing so knowing a new car would be much better.

[Owl]

I'm curious...HOW do you KNOW that the 'new person' doesn't cheat? Hasn't cheated? Won't cheat on you eventually?

 

You don't always know if that "new car" wasn't totalled when they were pulling it off the train, rebuilt, and then put back out on the car lot.

 

I get your point, Dex, but I also don't agree with it.

 

You've never TRIED recovering a marriage, so you have no true idea as to whether or not it can be done, or how good or bad it can be to do so.

 

I don't feel that you did "wrong" for ending your marriage when your wife cheated on you, but I also can't help but feel a bit offended at your insistence that I have done something wrong by reconciling my marriage... especially when you simply have no idea at all what my marriage was like...pre or post affair.

[Dexter Morgan]

I'm curious...HOW do you KNOW that the 'new person' doesn't cheat? Hasn't cheated?

 

I don't. In courting I do mention that I have no tolerance for anyone that cheats. I can give someone the benefit of the doubt until they give me a reason to doubt them.

 

So for me its simple....be with someone that has given me AMPLE reason to not trust them.....or give someone else the benefit of the doubt.

 

 

Won't cheat on you eventually?

 

again, I don't. and if they do, they are history.

 

and again also, until they give me a reason to not trust them, they don't have that major strike against them like the proven cheater does.

 

 

You've never TRIED recovering a marriage, so you have no true idea as to whether or not it can be done, or how good or bad it can be to do so.

 

but the fact remains that if I stayed, I'd be married to a cheater and more specifically someone that cheated on me. I deserve better than that.

 

 

I don't feel that you did "wrong" for ending your marriage when your wife cheated on you, but I also can't help but feel a bit offended at your insistence that I have done something wrong by reconciling my marriage

 

no offense intended. I'm not saying that you aren't happy in your marriage or that it can recover. A totalled car can be fixed.

 

thats not to say I still don't believe there is someone better out there for you. I believe you have a "good" marriage and are happy with your decision. godspeed to you with that.

 

 

especially when you simply have no idea at all what my marriage was like...pre or post affair.

 

It wouldn't matter to me how good, bad, or otherwise a marriage is.....to me.

 

If I had a wonderful marriage....lets say I think it was the best ever....once she cheats.....I'm done with it. I'm not going to live with someone that could so callously betray me like that. It just isn't worth it.....to me.

[confusedinkansas]

You've never TRIED recovering a marriage, so you have no true idea as to whether or not it can be done, or how good or bad it can be to do so.

 

I don't feel that you did "wrong" for ending your marriage when your wife cheated on you, but I also can't help but feel a bit offended at your insistence that I have done something wrong by reconciling my marriage... especially when you simply have no idea at all what my marriage was like...pre or post affair.

 

SEE...Owl - That's EXACTLY how I feel too. It's almost the "Damned if you do & Damned if you don't" scenario.

And since Dex...You have never TRIED - How are you so positive that it's not possible?

 

but the fact remains that if I stayed, I'd be married to a cheater and more specifically someone that cheated on me. I deserve better than that.

 

So DEX does that mean you believe ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS ONE?

 

In your vocabulary - there's no such word as FORGIVENESS?

[Owl]

 

no offense intended. I'm not saying that you aren't happy in your marriage or that it can recover. A totalled car can be fixed.

 

thats not to say I still don't believe there is someone better out there for you. I believe you have a "good" marriage and are happy with your decision. godspeed to you with that.

 

I don't have a "good marriage". I have a great one. I have one that is better than pretty much ANYONE I know.

 

And that's the thing, Dex. I don't possibly see how it could be any better. What happened is in the past...it's not the situation I live in now. Where I'm at now is better than what I would expect out of any other relationship.

 

I don't believe that there is someone better out there for me. I don't have any desire to go looking for that.

 

Heck...that belief that "there is something better out there" is the same justification that most cheaters give for their actions to begin with. Simple rationalization and justification for darn near anyone when they use it.

 

 

If I had a wonderful marriage....lets say I think it was the best ever....once she cheats.....I'm done with it. I'm not going to live with someone that could so callously betray me like that. It just isn't worth it.....to me.

 

Again, I believe that. It just isn't worth it...to you.

 

The problem is...you refuse to believe that it can be for others. You refuse to acknowledge that THEIR choice may well be the best for them.

 

And that's why your posts come across giving offense to some.

 

I like a lot of your advice. I agree that many times, ending the marriage is the only option. The problem is, I don't feel that it is ALWAYS the only option.

[confusedinkansas]

Heck...that belief that "there is something better out there" is the same justification that most cheaters give for their actions to begin with. Simple rationalization and justification for darn near anyone when they use it.

 

 

Wow - isn't that the truth! Excellent point!!

[Dexter Morgan]

And since Dex...You have never TRIED - How are you so positive that it's not possible?

 

 

You haven't read much of my posts then. I know its possilbe to "repair" a cheating marriage, whatever "repair" means to each person.

 

but just because someone can "repair" a marriage, doesn't change the fact, as i see it, that there is someone better out there.

 

 

 

So DEX does that mean you believe ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS ONE?

 

pretty much. it would be a rarity for someone to "truly" change.

 

but even in the event that someone could change...they can learn that lesson and apply it to future relationships. This fish aint bitin'.

 

 

In your vocabulary - there's no such word as FORGIVENESS?

 

sure there is, for a great many things....cheating just isn't typically one of them.

 

I have forgiven past girlfriends....but even though I have forgiven them, I wanted to move on. forgiving doesn't mean forgetting.

 

And forgiving doesn't mean I still want someone that I know is a cheater.

[Dexter Morgan]

Heck...that belief that "there is something better out there" is the same justification that most cheaters give for their actions to begin with.

 

 

In a cheater's mind, yes, you'd be correct with the above statement.

 

From a point of view like mine, no...its not the "same justification".

 

when I'm in a great relationship where no stupid cheating goes on, I don't have the mindset that there is someone better for me.

 

but when cheating comes into play, THEN, I do have that mindset.

[Reggie]

Folks have very different tolerances for cheating. With some, it is an absolute dealbreaker, no questions asked. For others, it is not.

I don't view taking the WS back as doing something wrong and I do not feel anyone can know that there is someone better out there. Lots of variables involved in making that judgement and the only one in a position to do so is the BS.

It has become evident to me that the significance of absolute fidelity is very different from person to person. For Dex , it is very important, but this is not true for all.

My first WW's parents both cheated on each other and remain together, for 60 years, now. When my first WW remarried, her husband began cheating on her and divorced her. Yet, she tells me she still had hope he would return(she has since giventhat up). I think, that having witnessed infidelity in her parents marriage, she does not feel it is that big a deal. That is her view and I think that is alright(for her).