What's a gal to do.......

[Dexter Morgan]

The reason I"m freaking out today is that the Affair guy just texted me! ("how ya been") I haven't heard from him since I bumped into him at a restaurant over valentines day weekend (totally by accident - i was with my husband)

I haven't spoken to him since mid-December.

 

I had a suspicious feeling about this particular week - His birthday is Friday, I put my notice in on my apartment, doubting a few decisions...etc.

 

doubting a few decisions? you mean like not wanting to give up your apartment? especially now that OM has contacted you?

 

 

hells bells - how do you all handle situations like this.

 

You text him back and tell him to leave you alone and #$%&$ off!

 

And then show your husband what the OM sent and what you replied with.

 

I don't see what is so hard about it....that is of course, you still want the OM around and really aren't working on your marriage like you say.

 

 

I'm probably going to just ignore it! Although then he'll probably email me. Who knows.

 

No, you reply and tell him to leave you the fek alone. Then maybe change your phone number.

 

my guess is you want to ignore it because you don't really want the OM completely gone.

 

 

My gut tells me that maybe his married girlfriend dumped him. Even if I were single, am about 90% sure I'd not go back to that - he's a serial cheater & at 47 I don't need that in my life right now

 

what if he weren't a "serial cheater"? Would that be different somehow?

 

I though you were working on your marriage?

 

 

& it's weird how just a simple text message makes me second guess my decision to be with my husband........what a mumble-jumble mess he makes of my thoughts.

 

boy, your husband has his work cut out for him. Here he is trying his damdest, but you seem to be clinging on the OM therefore making a mockery of your husbands efforts.

 

Tell the OM to fek off and leave you alone. change your phone number....simple as that.

 

if you aren't willing to do that, then just set your H free.

[Dexter Morgan]

No, probably won't tell my husband. There's nothing to tell.

 

sure there is, you are 2nd guessing your marriage recovery because the OM contacted you. You are going to let this go without disclosing it, therefore I see this OM continuing to try, you will let him because you don't want him completely out of your life.

 

If you weren't 2nd guessing your decision to recover your marriage and were seeking to change your phone number, then I'd say there may not be anything to tell other than you are changing your number to make sure OM can't contact you again.

 

 

I won't answer the text & IF an email comes, while I will probably read it (remember, deeper than just sex) Doesn't mean I'll answer it.

 

 

BOOM! There you have it. You don't want the OM out of your life. So why even let your husband go through all this effort when your still wanting the other man?

[Dexter Morgan]

I understand all of this. But I can't help that he texted me.

 

but you CAN help how you react to it. doing nothing smacks of not wanting the OM to think you want him gone for good.

 

(another 2 weeks & that phone number's going away anyway-so he won't be able to do it again)

 

glad to hear it. now all you have to do is change your email address. Real simple to do and shouldn't be a hassle if you truly want your marriage to recover.

[65tr6]

No, probably won't tell my husband. There's nothing to tell. .

 

Why decide it yourself that there is nothing to tell ? Share it with your husband. He might think this is actually A LOT of information he should know.

 

Or better, do you really want to work on your marriage ? If so, get with your husband and make sure to send an NC note that says "DO NOT CONTACT ME EVER"

 

You think you can do that ?

 

Until then you are not getting anywhere. Sorry to say, like your avatar says you will continue to be "confused".

 

Honestly, are nt you really glad the OM contacted you ? Come on, be honest ?

[confusedinkansas]

sure there is, you are 2nd guessing your marriage recovery because the OM contacted you. You are going to let this go without disclosing it, therefore I see this OM continuing to try, you will let him because you don't want him completely out of your life.

 

No...No...No

You got it all wrong this time.

I was second guessing myself WAY BEFORE he contacted me. I am second guessing because the last time I put my notice in on my apartment & THOUGHT my H & I were working things out...everything went to hell in a handbasket & I renewed my lease & moved back to my apartment.

THAT'S why I'm second guessing things.

It is like closing a chapter in a book.

 

I did not answer the Text message because........IF I do...that takes his phone number to the top of my "Most Recent" log. I do not want to see his phone number every time I text my kids, my husband. I just don't want it in my phone. As it is - from the last time we texted - it's ONE phone number from dropping out of my phone entirely.

As I said - If it was 2 weeks from today - I wouldn't even have the phone - cancelling plan, getting company I-Phone (SWEET) New number! He'll never be able to contact me again.

 

I don't want the other man around. I am not holding onto this or him - I am trying to get past him. I'm pissed that he has brought these thoughts to the foreground at the EXACT time that I am giving up my apartment (no he didn't know how long my lease was for) It's just cooincidence & this week is his birthday.......That could have something to do with why it's NOW that he's contacting me..............I don't know!!

[DNU1]

It's simple...the OM contacting you is like someone passing a drug addict the crack pipe again. It's right in front of you...you start thinking, "just one more hit...won't hurt a thing..."

 

It sucks you in!

 

Step away from the crackpipe. Get help! Tell your husband about the text, cancel your phone plan right now, send the OM a rock-solid NC letter/e-mail, and have your husband press "send."

 

It's that simple. Without NC there can never, ever be any hope for recovery!

 

You MUST establish NC. Every time you have contact with the OP you head straight back to ground zero with regard to your withdrawal from him (OP).

 

TALK TO YOUR HUBBY!

[confusedinkansas]

It's simple...the OM contacting you is like someone passing a drug addict the crack pipe again. It's right in front of you...you start thinking, "just one more hit...won't hurt a thing..."

 

TALK TO YOUR HUBBY!

 

I totally understand that...........& I did! Hubby knows.

Not going to send a NC letter. Already said, it will just start contact again. I've been there / done this! Many times.

It would open the door for him to continue...& I may fall into the trap. The more I ignore him.....Me thinks he will get the picture & go away.

 

It's best to just let sleeping dogs lie. BTW: There was NO email in my in-box this morning or all day today from him. Perhaps a good sign!

[Dexter Morgan]

No...No...No

You got it all wrong this time.

I was second guessing myself WAY BEFORE he contacted me. I am second guessing because the last time I put my notice in on my apartment & THOUGHT my H & I were working things out...everything went to hell in a handbasket & I renewed my lease & moved back to my apartment.

THAT'S why I'm second guessing things.

It is like closing a chapter in a book.

 

"it's weird how just a simple text message makes me second guess my decision to be with my husband"

 

 

 

I don't want the other man around. I am not holding onto this or him - I am trying to get past him.

 

yet you say if he emails you, you will read it....NC is NC, it isn't, "i'll read it because I am curious about what he has to say"....it means, you delete it without reading it until you can get your email address changed....OR put his email on a junk filter....its real simple.

[confusedinkansas]

"it's weird how just a simple text message makes me second guess my decision to be with my husband"

 

Without sounding like I"m back peddling on what I said in my first post........

I really have been stressed for a while now about the apartment/moving back to the house. Considering how things went down the last time. This was just like the straw that broke the camels back for my thoughts & feelings from the past few weeks. There is a lot more to the house/apartment story.

[Dexter Morgan]

Without sounding like I"m back peddling on what I said in my first post........

I really have been stressed for a while now about the apartment/moving back to the house. Considering how things went down the last time. This was just like the straw that broke the camels back for my thoughts & feelings from the past few weeks. There is a lot more to the house/apartment story.

 

Ok, I'll give you that.

 

Now what about putting the OM in a junk filter in Outlook, or any spam filter provided by whatever email account you have?

 

What about changing your email address and simply deleting any email that may come from him? The solutions are fast and simple to do......but you want to read the email if one comes from him........why?

[confusedinkansas]

What about changing your email address and simply deleting any email that may come from him? The solutions are fast and simple to do......but you want to read the email if one comes from him........why?

 

Can't change my email address...& even if I could, he's pretty resourceful.

IF.......& that is a HUGE IF...an email comes...& IF I read it - I won't reply.

IF I read it - it'd be out of curiosity.....

I still (even before this stressful time) thought about him from time to time - Still think about his kids, his dad (who isn't well - or wasn't the last time we talked) - I dunno..........Curiosity - & Yes I do know what they say.....Curiosity Killed The Cat!!!

[Dexter Morgan]

Can't change my email address...& even if I could, he's pretty resourceful.

 

sure you can change your email. i suspect you just don't want to.

even so, you get him blocked, you filter him...if he changes email addresses, you filter him again.

 

But again you CAN change your email address.

 

 

IF.......& that is a HUGE IF...an email comes...& IF I read it - I won't reply.

IF I read it - it'd be out of curiosity.....

 

You are suppose to be NC, curiosity or not, you shouldn't read it. Curiosity would mean you are still curious about OM, not what he says. You would read it because you don't want to let him go completely.

[confusedinkansas]

sure you can change your email. i suspect you just don't want to.

even so, you get him blocked, you filter him...if he changes email addresses, you filter him again.

 

But again you CAN change your email address.

 

Cannot change my work email. Even if I wanted to. Could change my personal, but then there's always work. IF someone wanted to find ANYONE in this day & age they could.

 

That's just ridiculous to expect anyone in a professional environment to constantly be changing their email. Clients would think I was a crazy person:cool:.

.....I don't know if the email will come anyway. I don't know if I would read it IF it came. kind of a moot point at this point in the game of life.

[Dexter Morgan]

Cannot change my work email. Even if I wanted to. Could change my personal, but then there's always work. IF someone wanted to find ANYONE in this day & age they could.

 

Ok, so go to your IT department and get a block of his email put on there. if his email is from his ISP, get the entire domain of his ISP blocked, assuming you dont get other email from people with the same domain name. If so, then have IT block his email, and crap like hotmail, yahoo...etc.

 

 

That's just ridiculous to expect anyone in a professional environment to constantly be changing their email. Clients would think I was a crazy person:cool:.

 

well, email for work is suppose to be for work ......correct? so in a professional environment, you used your professional email account for an affair correspondence.

so get him blocked.

[confusedinkansas]

 

well, email for work is suppose to be for work ......correct? so in a professional environment, you used your professional email account for an affair correspondence.

so get him blocked.

 

LOL....No I haven't used my 'business' email for having an affair. Sheesh...You really do think of everything don't you? Business email is BUSINESS Only!

Because of the line of work I'm in & he knows who I work for, he can find my direct dial phone number as well as my work email online.

I don't believe he'll turn into a stalker....Hell he could drive to my office or my apartment at any time of the day or night - What am I supposed to do about that.........Quit My Job......MOVE!

 

Some of you here think that we all that have cheated should do anything short of going into the Witness Protection Program - Just to stay away from the person we've cheated with. That is so unreasonable. You all say QUIT YOUR JOB...CHANGE YOUR PHONE NUMBER...DELETE YOUR EMAIL ACCOUNT....MOVE TO A THRID WORLD COUNTRY! We all still have to function like human beings. The "Affair Dude" wasn't the only person on this planet that has my information & NO I'm not going to announce to all my friends & family "Hey I had an affair & I'm running from this guy so here's my new phone & email"

 

Anyway, Still no email....I think maybe I"m safe. For Now!

Still mad at him for doing this....but none of us can control what others do. Right? IF Push comes to Shove with this guy.... I will confront him.

[Dexter Morgan]

Because of the line of work I'm in & he knows who I work for, he can find my direct dial phone number as well as my work email online.

I don't believe he'll turn into a stalker....Hell he could drive to my office or my apartment at any time of the day or night - What am I supposed to do about that.........Quit My Job......MOVE!

 

This is why doing NOTHING is the wrong move here, not to mention disrespect to your H.

 

You want to say you will just ignore his messages(even though you said you'd read them if they ever come in), but you refuse to tell the OM straight up, "FEK OFF AND GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!" Not to mention telling him you will contact his wife if he has one.

 

You need to do something, not just ignore his texts.

 

You yourself said he is resourseful and can come to your work, find your phone, email...etc. So if that is how you see it, what good do you think you are doing by simply ignoring him......that is, unless you have reservations of telling him to leave you the fek alone.

 

 

Some of you here think that we all that have cheated should do anything short of going into the Witness Protection Program - Just to stay away from the person we've cheated with. That is so unreasonable.

 

Nobody is saying that, so quit with the drama. Fact is, if you refuse to tell this man to fek off, you need to make changes.

 

But I suspect there is a reason you really don't want to tell him to leave you alone.

 

 

You all say QUIT YOUR JOB

 

Again, nobody said that, so quit lying. A WS ONLY needs to find another job when WS works with the OM/OW.

 

 

 

...CHANGE YOUR PHONE NUMBER...DELETE YOUR EMAIL ACCOUNT....

 

 

well if you refuse to deal with the situation and the crap that you have brought down, ya, change your phone number, change your email account.

 

Its simple, its easy.....but you don't want to do that and I think anyone here can see as to the reason why.

 

But this can all be avoided by telling the other man to leave you alone, and yes.....TO FEK OFF!!!

 

 

 

MOVE TO A THRID WORLD COUNTRY!

 

ah, the drama of it all.....and all because you don't want to tell the OM to get out of your life for good:o

 

 

 

We all still have to function like human beings. The "Affair Dude" wasn't the only person on this planet that has my information & NO I'm not going to announce to all my friends & family "Hey I had an affair & I'm running from this guy so here's my new phone & email"

 

You don't have to say that, you just tell people you have a new phone and email address....simple as that.

 

But if that is just tooooo much of a hassle for you to do what is necessary to recover a marriage, then get the OM out of your life for good.

 

Some people do what it takes to recover a marriage, some don't.

 

Anyway, Still no email....I think maybe I"m safe. For Now!

Still mad at him for doing this

 

then whats the problem with telling your husband, and then telling your husband you want to contact him, with your husband present when you do, and conveying this anger and telling the OM to get out of your life for good?? Whats the problem with doing that?

 

 

....but none of us can control what others do. Right? IF Push comes to Shove with this guy.... I will confront him.

 

mmm..hmmmm:rolleyes:

[confusedinkansas]

Not to mention telling him you will contact his wife if he has one.

 

You need to do something, not just ignore his texts.

 

NO WIFE.........ONE TEXT! (Not Texts plural)

 

 

Nobody is saying that, so quit with the drama.

 

REALLY....Wow you could read all over these threads that BS ALWAYS say,....You must leave your job - You must change your phone number - You must change your email.....it's not drama - it's all over this website. Anyone that's had an affair at their workplace, the first thing you all say QUIT YOUR JOB! (which is the most ridiculous advice anyone could give in these times)

 

 

But this can all be avoided by telling the other man to leave you alone, and yes.....TO FEK OFF!!!

 

You've basically said twice in your reply I should confront this man.

It was ONE text message, yep I freaked out about it. But it's over. It's done. Why on earth should I contact him & say leave me alone? What good would come from that? NOTHING - NADA!!

Reminder: My husband did not freak out & have a mental breakdown or hide under a rock when this all came about THREE years ago. He knows the Affair Dude & I hung out duing the separation (hubby had 'female companionship too) He is the type of personality to let it go.....it's water under the bridge.

I did tell him - if you'll read back.....He was not 'upset' nor did he freak out.....He just asked what it said & that was the end of it.

[Dexter Morgan]

REALLY....Wow you could read all over these threads that BS ALWAYS say,....You must leave your job - You must change your phone number - You must change your email.....it's not drama - it's all over this website.

 

No, its not...not with regards to YOUR situation.

 

People say they need to quit their job, IF they work with the OM/OW.

 

I do believe that is exactly what I said, and you simply glossed over it. And NOBODY said that TO YOU with regards to YOUR situation because you don't work with the OM.

 

But sure, if you work with the OM, then your husband shouldn't have to put up with you being in his company on a daily basis.

 

 

You've basically said twice in your reply I should confront this man.

It was ONE text message, yep I freaked out about it. But it's over.

 

ya, but you said that if he sends you any other kind of message, that you will read it. You are either in NC, or you are not.

 

no contact means NO CONTACT, and if he contacts you, you don't need to read anything UNLESS you are prepared to tell him to get the hell out of your life.

 

 

It's done. Why on earth should I contact him & say leave me alone? What good would come from that? NOTHING - NADA!!

 

dunno...you were the one that is curious what he would have to say and would read any correspondence from him if he sent it.

 

its done??, but you still really would want to read those emails dontcha??

 

 

Reminder: My husband did not freak out & have a mental breakdown or hide under a rock when this all came about THREE years ago.

 

so what?

 

 

He knows the Affair Dude & I hung out duing the separation (hubby had 'female companionship too) He is the type of personality to let it go.....it's water under the bridge.

 

it may be water under the bridge for him...but it doesn't seem that way for you. You 2nd guess your attempt to recover your marriage after OM sent you a text, and you would want to read anything he sends you, rather than taking control of the situation.

 

You even said if he contacts you again, you'd read his email, but wouldn't respond. Why? because you don't want him out of your life completely.

 

And thats the bottom line. you are recovering your marriage, but your actions and words say that you don't want this OM to completely go away.

[confusedinkansas]

it may be water under the bridge for him...but it doesn't seem that way for you. You 2nd guess your attempt to recover your marriage after OM sent you a text, and you would want to read anything he sends you, rather than taking control of the situation.

 

You even said if he contacts you again, you'd read his email, but wouldn't respond. Why? because you don't want him out of your life completely.

 

I said I was stressing BEFORE he contacted me. Not AFTER. And my stress had nothing to do with him (the affair guy)

 

I said I MIGHT read his email.......Again IF

 

So, let's say the email never comes - You think that 2 days AFTER the ONE text message I should contact him & say "Leave Me Alone"? Is that what you're saying?

[Dexter Morgan]

I said I was stressing BEFORE he contacted me. Not AFTER. And my stress had nothing to do with him (the affair guy)

 

I said I MIGHT read his email.......Again IF

 

So, let's say the email never comes - You think that 2 days AFTER the ONE text message I should contact him & say "Leave Me Alone"? Is that what you're saying?

 

No, you chose to ignore the text. I am saying if he does this again that you need to nip it in the butt.

 

But you MIGHT read any future email, but you WILL ignore that too. You already said this. But even though you said you'd ignore a future email, you then came back recently and said you would confront him...aye yi yi *head spinning* I don't think you know what you really want.

[boldjack]

CiK, you've done a good job with the NC, from your end. That the Om has tried to contact you isn't your fault and Dex, For chrissakes, lighten up!! CiK did nothing wrong and everything right. She told her H and was absolutely candid about the text. Cik, as far as reading any future messages, I can say that you shouldn't, but that is a tough call. Curiosity is a hard thing to control. An idea is that if you get any further texts or e-mails, you save them unread and read them together with your H.

[confusedinkansas]

CiK, you've done a good job with the NC, from your end. That the Om has tried to contact you isn't your fault and Dex, For chrissakes, lighten up!! CiK did nothing wrong and everything right. She told her H and was absolutely candid about the text. Cik, as far as reading any future messages, I can say that you shouldn't, but that is a tough call. Curiosity is a hard thing to control. An idea is that if you get any further texts or e-mails, you save them unread and read them together with your H.

 

Thanks bold!

 

Dex - I said IF another text or IF an email arrived, then & only then would I confront him. And ask for him to not do it anymore.

And Yep - Curiosity might get the best of me. I won't know that until the time comes.

 

Yes, Dex, I do know what I want. I want my marriage to work. But right now the affair is the furthest thing from keeping it from working. There are many many many other things that we are dealing with. Affair Dude is a very small piece in the great big jigsaw puzzle we're trying to put back together.

[Dexter Morgan]

CiK, you've done a good job with the NC, from your end. That the Om has tried to contact you isn't your fault and Dex, For chrissakes, lighten up!! CiK did nothing wrong and everything right.

 

She is doing most everything right. But she doesn't want this man completely out of her life.

 

 

Cik, as far as reading any future messages, I can say that you shouldn't, but that is a tough call. Curiosity is a hard thing to control.

 

this is what I'm talking about. she would want to read the email and she really doesn't want to tell him to go away for good.

[Dexter Morgan]

Thanks bold!

 

Dex - I said IF another text or IF an email arrived, then & only then would I confront him.

 

"IF an email comes, while I will probably read it (remember, deeper than just sex) Doesn't mean I'll answer it. "

 

If you don't answer it, that means there is no confrontation either.

 

So I have to ask you to make up your mind here. Because a few times in this thread you have said one thing, only to come back and say another.

[confusedinkansas]

"IF an email comes, while I will probably read it (remember, deeper than just sex) Doesn't mean I'll answer it. "

 

If you don't answer it, that means there is no confrontation either.

 

So I have to ask you to make up your mind here. Because a few times in this thread you have said one thing, only to come back and say another.

 

Just because I would read an email IF one comes does not mean I want this man in my life. Means that I would be curious....& we are still talking IF...IF...IF - Why do you think that I don't want him out of my life? I haven't spoken to him face to face since December - Haven't had contact with him since February (email). I am not running after him. I am not calling him. I am not emailing him. I am not I.M.ing him. Why do you keep saying I don't want him out of my life. I'm not contacting him.

 

Really I"m not trying to be "confusing" with my posts. I was initially freaked out when I got the text.