What's a gal to do.......

[Dexter Morgan]

And - again with the EMAIL:rolleyes:

The email did not come.

 

I know it didn't come *sigh*, if you could read I referenced it in the same IF as you referenced it.

 

 

YES, I would probably still read it. There is no deep dark hidden meaning to my reading his email - Like you would have everyone think. I'd read it - & delete it. Plain & simple as that. Doesn't mean I want him in my life. Doesn't mean anything. Just means I read an email.

 

then if you don't want him in your life, and IF an email comes, why wouldn't you take care of the situation and tell him to fekin leave you alone? Why?

[confusedinkansas]

then if you don't want him in your life, and IF an email comes, why wouldn't you take care of the situation and tell him to fekin leave you alone? Why?

 

IF an email arrives, & IF I read it - it does not mean I want him in my life. Not sure how many times I have to say it....But it is how it is.

There are no deep dark hidden agendas going on. It just merely means I read an email. IT IS WHAT IT IS & nothing more.

 

Still not gonna engage with him & say "leave me the F alone"....I will still ignore everything he sends (as in - read & delete) - He is not a dummy - he'll get the message & go away. This much I know.

 

Again..........We're still going on assumptions here!

[Reggie]

Why read his stuff if it triggers the feelings you describe in this post? What does he have to say that is so important?

[HsMomma]

Why read his stuff if it triggers the feelings you describe in this post? What does he have to say that is so important?

 

I don't think it would trigger those feelings again, Reggie - I think what triggered those feelings in the first place was that the text was so unexpected. I think at this point, CiK would be reading out of sheer curiosity. Do I agree with doing that? Nope - as I said before, I'd just straight out delete it, but I'm not CiK. We all react differently.

[Dexter Morgan]

IF an email arrives, & IF I read it - it does not mean I want him in my life. Not sure how many times I have to say it....But it is how it is.

There are no deep dark hidden agendas going on. It just merely means I read an email. IT IS WHAT IT IS & nothing more.

 

Of course you don't want to tell him that:rolleyes:, and of course you don't want to tell him to leave you alone.

[confusedinkansas]

Dex - You've have been pushing & bullying around a lot lately - Not to mention being a mind reader. Here & with prttymarie....man what's up with you anyway? are you ok?

Is there not a kind bone in your body? If you're just here to be the "Town Bully" then just announce it - put it in your profile & go about your bully ways - otherwise - You don't read full posts & you jump to an awful lot of conclusions.....What help could you possibly be providing by provoking people?

[Dexter Morgan]

Dex - You've have been pushing & bullying around a lot lately - Not to mention being a mind reader. Here & with prttymarie....man what's up with you anyway? are you ok?

 

why I'm just peachy:)

 

 

Is there not a kind bone in your body?

 

why sure there is, anyone that has been betrayed that hasn't cheated has my sympathy and support.

 

 

 

You don't read full posts & you jump to an awful lot of conclusions

 

Not hard to do when people, like you, backpeddle and contradict themselves.

 

make up your mind what you really want to say before you say it

 

 

What help could you possibly be providing by provoking people?

 

what help does one look for when they are only interested in what is best for themselves and not for the people that they screwed over.

 

In your case, you both are mutually fine with what each of you did to each other. But geez, it still amazes me that you don't want to tell the OM to go away.

[confusedinkansas]

HEY - Dex. I was just in another thread - Seems they are calling you out too! Seriously, are you sure there's not something else going on with you that you're lashing out in every single thread in LS?

 

And as I have explained MANY TIMES (keep up) I won't confront the OM & tell him to F off as you have suggested, because that would mean that I would have to initiate contact with him. I do not desire to have contact that I initiate. If he wants to contact me I can't stop him. (Even if I told him to F off) Also, as I have said - He knows where I work, he knows where I live, he knows where I grocery shop - we are pratically neighbors - IF he really wanted to be a stalker he could be. No matter what I do or say.

 

So I choose to let it go. (novel idea) & he will eventually go away.

[Dexter Morgan]

And as I have explained MANY TIMES (keep up) I won't confront the OM & tell him to F off as you have suggested

 

kept up fine..I am fully aware you won't nip it in the butt and fully aware you won't confront him.

[Reggie]

I really do not view the substance of Dex's advise as lashing out. It is consistent and very logically sound. IMO.

I had a lenghty back and forth with a LCP specializing in infidelity issues in her practice on another board. She told me that in her expierience dealing with the betrayed, people that have strong boundaries and values which I believe are similar to Dex's are among the healthiest of the betrayed spouses she counsels. She said they make very good recoveries and, typically wind up in much better relationships the second time around, as they are more selective and aware of the red flags.

[Dexter Morgan]

I really do not view the substance of Dex's advise as lashing out. It is consistent and very logically sound. IMO.

I had a lenghty back and forth with a LCP specializing in infidelity issues in her practice on another board. She told me that in her expierience dealing with the betrayed, people that have strong boundaries and values which I believe are similar to Dex's are among the healthiest of the betrayed spouses she counsels. She said they make very good recoveries and, typically wind up in much better relationships the second time around, as they are more selective and aware of the red flags.

 

this couldn't be more true!

[HsMomma]

I had a lenghty back and forth with a LCP specializing in infidelity issues in her practice on another board. She told me that in her expierience dealing with the betrayed, people that have strong boundaries and values which I believe are similar to Dex's are among the healthiest of the betrayed spouses she counsels. She said they make very good recoveries and, typically wind up in much better relationships the second time around, as they are more selective and aware of the red flags.

 

this couldn't be more true!

 

While that may indeed be true, Reggie, I'm not at all sure Dex HAS recovered. There is still so much anger, bitterness & vitriol in his words that it leads me to believe that recovery is far from complete. I was "bitterly betrayed" and hurt deeply as he was (and as so many people on this forum have been), but I have been able to recover fully, get remarried and move on from the pain/bitterness and betrayal. It doesn't seem that Dex has really gotten to that point, though I'm sure he'd argue that he has. While I most assuredly understand and agree with clearly defined boundaries and values, I still see so much bitterness and negativity coming from him that I don't think he could be defined as "recovered."

[confusedinkansas]

I had a lenghty back and forth with a LCP specializing in infidelity issues in her practice on another board. She told me that in her expierience dealing with the betrayed, people that have strong boundaries and values which I believe are similar to Dex's are among the healthiest of the betrayed spouses she counsels. She said they make very good recoveries and, typically wind up in much better relationships the second time around, as they are more selective and aware of the red flags.

 

While that may indeed be true, Reggie, I'm not at all sure Dex HAS recovered. There is still so much anger, bitterness & vitriol in his words that it leads me to believe that recovery is far from complete. I was "bitterly betrayed" and hurt deeply as he was (and as so many people on this forum have been), but I have been able to recover fully, get remarried and move on from the pain/bitterness and betrayal. It doesn't seem that Dex has really gotten to that point, though I'm sure he'd argue that he has. While I most assuredly understand and agree with clearly defined boundaries and values, I still see so much bitterness and negativity coming from him that I don't think he could be defined as "recovered."

 

Hsmomma - I agree with this. To me this is how he comes across.

How is it helping people to berate & beat them down over & over again until they give into YOU. (or at least say they will - just so he'll stop)

[HsMomma]

Hsmomma - I agree with this. To me this is how he comes across.

How is it helping people to berate & beat them down over & over again until they give into YOU. (or at least say they will - just so he'll stop)

 

You know, I look back at the way I was after D-Day & how angry/hurt/resentful/just plain p*ssed off I was & think about how I was in no shape to try to understand anyone else's point of view on anything to do with marriage & infidelity. I stayed in that ugly place in my heart & mind for quite a while after the divorce, too. It was a long time before I was able to open up & trust again. Only after many years of being "recovered" do I feel even remotely qualified to try to help anyone else. I'd like to think I do so with empathy, or at least sympathy. If I don't agree, I try to make sure I can explain (without being hateful about it) why I don't agree. I just don't see this in Dex. I'm sure Dex is probably a wonderful guy out there in the 'real world,' but on the boards here, I think he's still in the process of recovery & that makes it hard for him to offer unbiased advice.

[Reggie]

I had a lenghty back and forth with a LCP specializing in infidelity issues in her practice on another board. She told me that in her expierience dealing with the betrayed, people that have strong boundaries and values which I believe are similar to Dex's are among the healthiest of the betrayed spouses she counsels. She said they make very good recoveries and, typically wind up in much better relationships the second time around, as they are more selective and aware of the red flags.

 

 

 

While that may indeed be true, Reggie, I'm not at all sure Dex HAS recovered. There is still so much anger, bitterness & vitriol in his words that it leads me to believe that recovery is far from complete. I was "bitterly betrayed" and hurt deeply as he was (and as so many people on this forum have been), but I have been able to recover fully, get remarried and move on from the pain/bitterness and betrayal. It doesn't seem that Dex has really gotten to that point, though I'm sure he'd argue that he has. While I most assuredly understand and agree with clearly defined boundaries and values, I still see so much bitterness and negativity coming from him that I don't think he could be defined as "recovered."

 

It's a process and takes time. Folks heal at different rates. There are many variables. Not seeing the kids is a big one that BHs have to deal with. And, one's background and past expierience with betrayal play a really big role.

Susan Anderson's book. " The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" explains this really well. The neurochemical reactions are more intense in folks with past expieriences similar to this. And, the ongoing injustice of being deprived as much access to the kids as the WS really pisses folks off.

[confusedinkansas]

It's a process and takes time. Folks heal at different rates. There are many variables.

 

This is something I have said in here time & time again. We are all different people & while I appreciate (as many others do as well) someone having empathy with a situation - I also appreciate a "constructive slap on the hand." (to put it mildly)

 

We all react differently in different situations & we all heal differently. Where one would have a melt down & be committed to a psych ward over an Affair - another doesn't. Where one would divorce over an A - others don't.

 

Not to just talk about Dex behind his back (although I'm sure he'll see this) Perhaps Hsmomma is right - Perhaps he's not healed from what he had to endure. Maybe this is his way of trying to cope. Even if he is a little rough around the edges here - sometimes there's a message & it does make sense.

 

Hsmomma - I do appreciate your posts in all the forums - you do show empathy..but also make us think about the other side of this particular issue as well. Because as we ALL know - There are 2 sides to EVERY STORY.

[Reggie]

Confused, we all have rough edges. I have been supportive of your efforts to repair your marriage. But, one of your edges seems to be the desire to minimize the trauma of an affair for a BS and put down those that are more traumatized than you or your husband were.

BSs are already feeling plenty of shame and guilt, misguidedly(but normally) taking blame for the affair. Being chided for considering it big time trauma or not healing fast enough adds to their guilt and feelings that there is something wrong with them.. It is almost like saying that they are lesser individuals if it takes a good long time to heal and move on.

In reality, from what I have read, it is a huge trauma for most and 2-5 years is a very typical healing time in the majority of cases. This period is mentioned very frequently on a variety of sites and in books.

I have my rough edges.

[HsMomma]

Confused, we all have rough edges.

I have my rough edges.

 

Reggie, of course we do - all of us have rough edges & our own 'baggage' to deal with. I guess my point here was that we don't have to be demeaning, belittling, judgmental or just plain mean in our postings - especially since people come here for help. I think that we can all get our own viewpoints across without having to resort to those types of behavior. Most people on here are very articulate & able to express themselves without all the negativity - that's all I was trying to say.

[Reggie]

Well, I have no problem with the negativity, as I think affairs are so cruel and need to be labeled as such.

I also noticed that Dex does not use euphemisms, but, his descriptions are accurate. Usually , having sex does require some spreading of the legs and we can come up with all types of neat little non-offesive lables for cheating, but, really , that is what it is.

His posts are a nice contrast to some of the others that tiptoe around an accurate description of what is really going on.

The people that have done me the biggest favors in my life were folks that called me on my BS.

There is this cloak of romanticism around these cruel, dishonest, health risky practices known as "love affairs".

In pm's case, with what many of us have learned about cognitive dissonance in cheaters, I think her story is pretty suspect. There are some glaring inconsistenies, as have been pointed out. This story would never hold up under cross examination.

Maybe the encouragement she is getting from folks suggesting it was sexual assault is the worst thing for her.

Off the top of my head(with credit to the other posters that have pointed these things out, we have:

1)an ability to remember the specifics of protection having been used vs inability to recall other details.

2) Saying she knows she said no to a certain act, but "guessing" she consented to other involvement.

3) The failure to report this.

4)The likeliehood that a stranger who picked up two women drugged both of them, got the car keys from one, drove her vehicle to his own residence(where, if they wanted to have him located by authorities it would be no problem) all when her brother in law (or was it sister's boyfirend) had been apprised of the situation.

5) no physical evidence of having been drugged and no mention of the typical after effects(like big time hangover) and no sign that her H noticed anything physically wrong with her from the drugs effects.

6) no sign that the brother-in-law noticed she was acting as if drugged or seriously inebriated when she spoke to him.

7) no contact from the other woman with similar concerns about what had been done or an indication that she had felt the after effects of being drugged.

The coercion thing just does not add up , for me.

[HsMomma]

Well, I have no problem with the negativity, as I think affairs are so cruel and need to be labeled as such.

I also noticed that Dex does not use euphemisms, but, his descriptions are accurate. Usually , having sex does require some spreading of the legs and we can come up with all types of neat little non-offesive lables for cheating, but, really , that is what it is.

His posts are a nice contrast to some of the others that tiptoe around an accurate description of what is really going on.

There is this cloak of romanticism around these cruel, dishonest, health risky practices known as "love affairs".

 

Maybe I'm still being unclear, Reggie - I'm not talking about "prettying up" descriptions of affairs - I don't use euphemisms either. I'm talking about the negativity directed at posters not at their actions. There is a difference. I have no problem calling a spade a spade, but I don't think it's necessary to get nasty with a person by name-calling, being hateful/spiteful or judgmental.

 

I find NOTHING romantic in any sense of the word about 'love affairs.' As I've said before, I happen to be one of the BS's (of a serial cheater no less), so you won't find me being all sweetness & light about WS's. I just try to see people as people, and don't feel it's necessary to denigrate a person when I believe they are here seeking guidance. Most posters know that what they've done is wrong (I have seen a few exceptions to this, though) and are stepping up to the plate trying to figure out their next moves. I don't see how beating someone over the head with nastiness accomplishes anything. But then, maybe I'm completely wrong!

[Reggie]

Maybe I've missed some stuff, but I can't recall name calling. Presumably, if it got to that , the mods would have stepped in.

It's a fine line between nastiness and not sugar coating. I guess I do not see it as nasty, just blunt.

I've seen a few invectives directed at Dex, as well, typically from someone that takes offense. Some hypocrisy there.

[HsMomma]

Maybe I've missed some stuff, but I can't recall name calling. Presumably, if it got to that , the mods would have stepped in.

It's a fine line between nastiness and not sugar coating. I guess I do not see it as nasty, just blunt.

I've seen a few invectives directed at Dex, as well, typically from someone that takes offense. Some hypocrisy there.

 

So as not to assume anything, I'll just ask - you're not referring to something I personally have said, are you? I've not sent any invectives Dex's way. I have disagreed with him, and said so, but with as much respect as possible for him & his particular situation. I don't believe that I've participated in hypocrisy.

 

Sorry to thread-jack, CiK - just asking for clarification.

[Reggie]

No, not you, Hs.

[HsMomma]

No, not you, Hs.

 

'K - just wanted to be sure I don't come across that way, because if I do, I'm lying to myself about always trying to see others' perspectives on things. Thanks, Reggie, for clearing that up for me.

[Dexter Morgan]

While that may indeed be true, Reggie, I'm not at all sure Dex HAS recovered. There is still so much anger, bitterness & vitriol in his words that it leads me to believe that recovery is far from complete.

 

Nah, recovery is absolutely complete. My X is insignificant to me and even the thought of what she did doesn't get to me anymore. i can actually laugh about it.

 

As far as angry...yes, it angers me when people callously hurt other people and still think certain behaviors are fitting of a WS or cheating partner. Recovery has nothing to do with despising what people do to other people.