What's a gal to do.......

[Dexter Morgan]

Well, I have no problem with the negativity, as I think affairs are so cruel and need to be labeled as such.

I also noticed that Dex does not use euphemisms, but, his descriptions are accurate. Usually , having sex does require some spreading of the legs and we can come up with all types of neat little non-offesive lables for cheating, but, really , that is what it is.

 

the reason I don't use euphemisms is because I don't sugarcoat or downplay what actually happened. When one sugarcoats cheating, it puts doubts in someone's mind that what their betrayer did probably isn't all that bad. But once they see it for what it is and can visualize that betrayal, then they realize just what their betrayer has done.

 

 

His posts are a nice contrast to some of the others that tiptoe around an accurate description of what is really going on.

 

exactly

[Dexter Morgan]

Maybe I've missed some stuff, but I can't recall name calling.

 

neither can I...unless you count "cheater" as name calling.

 

if I do the occasional name calling, it won't be towards a poster

[tami-chan]

I also think that people who have a strong sense of self and are confident about themselves, can also tell the cheater to take a long walk off a short pier, and get rid of the cheater and move on with their lives.

 

by move on it would mean not lashing out to other posters they deem represent or of the same kind as their WS....if a person is still here being so unkind to people who are asking for help, for support, for whatever they are here for.....then that person has not moved on yet and the denial would be laughable if the circumstances was not so tragic.

 

First step, might be to acknowledge the one has not moved on yet and one is till in mourning and angry.

[confusedinkansas]

the reason I don't use euphemisms is because I don't sugarcoat or downplay what actually happened.

 

DEX.....you're back. Missed ya!

 

I wonder too about the "moving on" thing. You do still seem very angry!

Why take your personal frustrations out on someone here in LS?

[Reggie]

DEX.....you're back. Missed ya!

 

I wonder too about the "moving on" thing. You do still seem very angry!

Why take your personal frustrations out on someone here in LS?

 

Why not? It's therapeutic.

[Snowflower]

the reason I don't use euphemisms is because I don't sugarcoat or downplay what actually happened. When one sugarcoats cheating, it puts doubts in someone's mind that what their betrayer did probably isn't all that bad. But once they see it for what it is and can visualize that betrayal, then they realize just what their betrayer has done.

 

 

 

 

exactly

 

Trust me, I had absolutely NO trouble imagining what happened in my husband's PA. Doesn't take too much imagination to come up with some pretty nasty images. Most BS probably don't have much trouble coming up with the mental images either. I'm sure they don't need your 'help' with the graphic descriptions. I'm sure they can come up with that all on their own.

 

More likely, I think you and some other posters seem rather to "get off" on using the graphic words and phrases in your posts. I don't think you intend to 'help' another BS as much as denigrate them.

 

Sometimes the posts are funny but I would imagine that often times it doesn't come off that way to a hurting BS who came here for support.

[confusedinkansas]

Why not? It's therapeutic.

 

Therapudic?

To take frustrations out on others who had nothing to do with your personal situation? Hmm?

[Snowflower]

Therapudic?

To take frustrations out on others who had nothing to do with your personal situation? Hmm?

 

 

That was my thought, too. How is this actually helping? Misdirected anger I suppose!

[Reggie]

Therapudic?

To take frustrations out on others who had nothing to do with your personal situation? Hmm?

 

It improves circulation and lowers blood pressure, too.

[confusedinkansas]

It improves circulation and lowers blood pressure, too.

 

:oOhhhhhhhh...........well that makes sense then.

[Dexter Morgan]

Trust me, I had absolutely NO trouble imagining what happened in my husband's PA. Doesn't take too much imagination to come up with some pretty nasty images. Most BS probably don't have much trouble coming up with the mental images either. I'm sure they don't need your 'help' with the graphic descriptions. I'm sure they can come up with that all on their own.

 

More likely, I think you and some other posters seem rather to "get off" on using the graphic words and phrases in your posts.

 

nice try. I don't get off on having to hear about the pain someone has caused someone. Some people are acting like whipped pups and are wanting to keep the people that are cheating on them and are really downplaying what the cheater did to justify it in their minds.

 

My sympathies will always lie with a BS or someone betrayed. So again, nice try.

 

 

I don't think you intend to 'help' another BS as much as denigrate them.

 

do you even know what the word "denigrate" means? When have I ever done that to a BS? Why would I do that to someone who is in the same position I was in a few years ago?

 

I wouldn't.....so again, nice try.

[Snowflower]

nice try. I don't get off on having to hear about the pain someone has caused someone. Some people are acting like whipped pups and are wanting to keep the people that are cheating on them and are really downplaying what the cheater did to justify it in their minds.

 

 

 

Okay, I agree some people (I believe you are meaning a BS here, please correct me if I am wrong) do act like 'whipped pups' and defend their CS. But most do not downplay anything. They know what happened and they have no trouble imagining the worst. They don't need it pointed out to them in a crude manner. That's all.

 

Please show some mercy to the fellow BS, that's all. Most BS that come here are terribly confused and hurting badly. No need to blast them with graphic words and images when something like, "they had sex" is sufficient!

[Snowflower]

 

 

 

 

do you even know what the word "denigrate" means? When have I ever done that to a BS? Why would I do that to someone who is in the same position I was in a few years ago?

 

Uh yes, I know what the word means or else I wouldn't have used it! Basically you denigrate a BS when you tell them that they could do better than staying with a CS. If that is their decision, don't blast (or should I say denigrate) them for it. It's their life and we are all just out here on an anonymous internet forum trying to get advice/give advice. I know you gave ME a hard time about staying with my CS when I posted my story.

 

I like you Dex. A lot of what you post makes good sense. Why do you have to come off so defensive when someone questions you?

[Dexter Morgan]

Uh yes, I know what the word means or else I wouldn't have used it!

 

To denigrate is to "defame" or "belittle".

 

 

Basically you denigrate a BS when you tell them that they could do better than staying with a CS.

 

how is telling someone they can do better than to settle for a cheater? How does that defame, attack the reputation of, or belittle them?

 

Telling someone they can do better is just the opposite. Since when are words of encouragement doing anything of the sort with regards to "denigration"? Its like telling a kid they can do better in school. How is it defaming or belittling?

 

 

 

If that is their decision, don't blast (or should I say denigrate) them for it.

 

telling someone they can do better is not blasting or denigrating them in any way.

 

I will always say a BS can do better. If they decide to stay with a CS, then it is their choice and I wish them the best. Again, my sympathies always lie with a BS or someone betrayed.

 

 

It's their life and we are all just out here on an anonymous internet forum trying to get advice/give advice. I know you gave ME a hard time about staying with my CS when I posted my story.

 

and just what "hard" time did I give you? Did I tell you that if you stay with a cheater that you are a moron or something? I don't think so.

 

 

I like you Dex. A lot of what you post makes good sense. Why do you have to come off so defensive when someone questions you?

 

Saying I denigrate someone when you really haven't a clue is not questioning anything. You made a false accusation and your response didn't prove otherwise....telling someone they can do better is not denigrating. Its trying to help someone see that they CAN do better. If they chose otherwise, then godspeed to them.

[Snowflower]

It also means to disparage.

 

Whatever, Dex. If you don't want to see my side that's fine...go ahead and think what you wish of me. I'm done with the conversation.

[Dexter Morgan]

It also means to disparage.

 

why yes it does.

 

and telling someone they can do better isn't disparaging anyone.

 

 

 

Whatever, Dex. If you don't want to see my side that's fine...go ahead and think what you wish of me. I'm done with the conversation.

 

see your side? your side is one of using a word where its definition doesn't apply.

[Reggie]

I'm having a hard time understanding how saying someone could do better amounts to denigration or disparagement. It is an opinion that may be contrary to that of the particular BS, and , it may not be true. Nevertheless, it is not insulting. It seems to imply that Dex thinks enough of the BS to say that he or she deserves more than a tainted marriage and the feelings associated with remaining in a marriage with someone that has betrayed you.

But, the realit seems to me to be that there is really no way another person can know whether a particular BS can do better. It depends on the BS and the WS in question.

[confusedinkansas]

It seems to imply that Dex thinks enough of the BS to say that he or she deserves more than a tainted marriage and the feelings associated with remaining in a marriage with someone that has betrayed you.

But, the realit seems to me to be that there is really no way another person can know whether a particular BS can do better. It depends on the BS and the WS in question.

 

Not every BS sees things the way many of you do. AND for the record - A lot of them aren't here to defend their side of the story either (such as in my case) - 2 sides to every story - MEMBA that ONE?

Dex & Reggie - You make it sound like just because someone cheated - means the grass is greener on the other side of the fence - for their spouse. NOT SO! The grass is not always greener. In many cases it's WAY worse than if they'd decided to just stick it out & work things out. IF BOTH parties are willing to do that.

AND Yes...Telling someone they can do better....IS blasting!

[Reggie]

Reread what I posted , confused. I specifically said that no one other than the particular BS can make the call on that.

[Snowflower]

But, the realit seems to me to be that there is really no way another person can know whether a particular BS can do better. It depends on the BS and the WS in question.

 

Nicely put, Reggie!

 

This is in part what I was getting at a few posts back.

[Snowflower]

AND Yes...Telling someone they can do better....IS blasting!

 

My point exactly...no need to kick someone when they are down as many BS (and definitely a lot WS) are when they first come here, I know I was kicked around a bit as a BS.

 

I was still hurting and looking for others here who had been through a similar experience. Instead, I was given graphic descriptions of what happened during my husband's PA. And then it was mocked and laughed about on the thread I had started on this forum. I'm glad others were having a little amusement at my pain!

[confusedinkansas]

Reread what I posted , confused. I specifically said that no one other than the particular BS can make the call on that.

 

my bad.......sorry Reg:eek:

[Reggie]

No problem. I did not "specifically " state it, as I thought I had. But, that is what i meant.

There is a lot of projection that goes on in this area with all the different parties coming to this site with different expieriences.

I know, for me, it has been very difficult to imagine remaining in a marriage after infidelity. But, to be honest, I ahve no idea of what i am capable of in that regard, as I never recieved any signs of remorse, had continued lying and gaslighting, and a WW who simply moved out and took the kids to be with her OM.

I also had a very verbally and emotionally abusive WW, even before the infidelity. I think if the WS was a good person and spouse before who just flipped for some reason, and was honest and remorseful and willing to do the repair work, my frame of reference would be different.

[Snowflower]

No problem. I did not "specifically " state it, as I thought I had. But, that is what i meant.

There is a lot of projection that goes on in this area with all the different parties coming to this site with different expieriences.

I know, for me, it has been very difficult to imagine remaining in a marriage after infidelity. But, to be honest, I ahve no idea of what i am capable of in that regard, as I never recieved any signs of remorse, had continued lying and gaslighting, and a WW who simply moved out and took the kids to be with her OM.

I also had a very verbally and emotionally abusive WW, even before the infidelity. I think if the WS was a good person and spouse before who just flipped for some reason, and was honest and remorseful and willing to do the repair work, my frame of reference would be different.

 

This is a really nice post, Reggie.

 

I truly feel for you...your xWW sounds like a real piece of work. My own experience with my H infidelity was painful enough and he was exactly as you said above...a good person who flipped out for some reason (I know most of the 'why' now) and then he worked very hard to repair the damage and be very good to me. So, I can only imagine how painful your experience was when your xWW wasn't such a good person.

[Reggie]

They say it takes somewhat longer to recover in my situation. Again, I have nothing to compare it with. I read a couple good books on forgiveness and acceptance that helped. Janis Abram Spring's "How Can I Forgive You" was helpful.

In situations where ther is no remorse or apolgy, she feels that true forgiveness may not be possible. But, she says one can accept what happened and not let this sour you.

This entails giving full recognition and validation to the gravity of the harm inflicted and not running from acknowledging the pain.

I like Dex's stuff, for the most part. I think it would help him if he would give voice to his pain, though. I have gone though much the same as him, especially the limited access to my kids. I understand how angry the injustice of this makes a BS and how much it hurts. And, I felt like I was made a fool of. I had a lot of counseling to deal with this.