need thoughts, I am hurting

[banser123]

thanks thrillaveza, i hope you are right. i do still love her and what makes it worse is that she is not allowing herself to appreciate and enjoy my love because she is scared and cant let her guard down. I sent her a text last night for the first time in3 weeks but i just said i was concerned because no one at work has heard from her. i asked if she was ok and she never replied. this is odd because is she has no feelings for me then why dont she respond saying she is ok. even if she doesnt want to talk she can reply saying she is ok but busy and i will get the point. but no response at all. my friend says that could me a good thing because maybe she is just too ashamed to reply and she will eventually come around.

i do have major feelings for her but i am also really concerned because things have been odd and not just with me, my boss, the furniture guy, her landlord, hers sons school all tried to call with out any luck. I mean im sure she is physically ok but emotionally i worry for her and i cant just give up. that being said, any suggestions on how to go about this

[berry_oh]

This is just my opinion but I think you should really try to go and talk to her. Texting or calling doesn't seem like it's going to work. She probably is too ashamed or feels that opening up will make her feel too vulnerable. But this is starting to get very serious as in it's going to affect her job and her kids. I think you should go over to her place and try to talk to her in person, and be persistent about it. I'm saying this because I think leaving this alone is going to end up bad for her part since she's taking a little too long to get her life in order. As a friend I think you should go over to her place and really try to convince her to come back to work. It might end up being a waste of time as in even if you appear at her doorsteps she'll just pretend she's not home and wont even open the door for you. But if anything, you coming should say something to her, even if she doesn't realize it right away. I guess I think a very direct approach is the best way to handle this because the stakes are very high now.

[banser123]

Thank you for your reply BerryOh.

It seems to be getting worse. My boss tried to call her yesterday and she didnt answer. He left a voice message asking her to call him. I asked him this morning and he said she hasnt returned his call. What is she doing??? Even if she wants to get laid off and get unemployment, which I think is a bad decision, she has to at least call him back and confirm, right? And when I tried to text her 2 nights ago asking if she was ok, she never responded. And I know she received my message because my phone tells me when the message is read.

This is very strange and I am getting really worried. I just think by going there might make it worse, she is very sensitive and gets upset at sudden show ups and stuff like that. I also feel nervous going there too. I dont know why. I care about her and I know that she cares, or at least cared about me, even if its on a friend level.

Her car was in the same spot this morning so I know she didnt take her daughter to school this morning. And my mechanic told me she was there last week to get her car inspected and she was with the kids. He said it was late morning so it seems she didnt bring them to school that day too.

I am shocked at all this. Before we stopped talking she was depressed and had times when she felt like giving up, she told me this directly. She was clearly overwhelmed with her sons condition and all else. She worried me back then but we were together and I knew what was going on and was able to monitor and help.

I just hope she is not too proud to call me back or answer my texts. She can be scarring her life and her kids lives by doing all this.

Some people tell me I tried my best, but I cant stop trying. Am I wrong for this? I feel as tho she needs help and I can do it, its just a matter of when and how because of her pride. No one wants to feel helpless and like they need help.

[banser123]

But I agree with you berryoh, I need to be persistent and try to talk to her, I just need to gt the nerve to do so

[Mary3]

You were wonderful to her but not appreciated. You did alot of nice things for her like take her kids to school. But the truth is : You were too nice to her. TOO nice. She does not respect you. I am not asking you to change who you are but create BALANCE in your life with women.

 

For all the nice things you did for her , was she equally as kind back ? IF the answer is no , then you were being smucked. Doing things for others, I am not implying that you expect something back. But going overboard did not reap you the benefits of a loving girl and a R.

 

Have a stronger backbone when someone is draining the life out of you .

 

She could be hurt or ill or myraid of other things,. I would try to find her to see if she is okay. Tell her when you find her that you are moving on with your life and DO it.

 

There are girls that really appreciate nice favors. Then there are girls who don't care if you rack up $ 10,000 in credit cards to please them.

 

Be strong .

[banser123]

I know what your saying mary but this girl knew me for years before we dated, we were friends and coworkers. It was me being nice that attracted her to me. I did so much for her over the years, not as much as when we were dating, but a lot. She told me that she was physically attracted to me and liked the fact that I was sweet and nice to her. And she never asked me for a dime, she even told me to not buy her things, she is very unmaterialistic.

This is very weird. My boss called her 2 days ago and left her a message and she never called back. I can probably save her job but she is not responding to anyone. I am concerned. What sould I do. People tell me to go there and I should I but im just nervous. Why??? Please help

[WTRanger]

I think this situation is starting to beyond the point of her not reciprocating and her feelings etc, and the "Oh just leave her be." It sounds as if you have some serious concern for her over-all well being. You need to either:

A. Do nothing and watch the train wreck happen.

 

or

 

B. Try harder than you ever have before, one last time to try to save this person whom you care so much about. After this one last time, if she still doesn't want your help and support then you absolutely have to take a step back and turn away. Because her life will get ugly.

 

If she gives you that line where she says that things are really bad for her, remind her that she still has a job. In fact, she has a boss that is willing to keep her on the payroll despite her insane behavior. Believe me pal, in these times, I'd chop off my left testicle to have a job and a boss that forgiving. Also remind her that she has people who care about her, and are genuinely concerned for her well being. One of them being you, that no matter what is going on in her life, that you always will be there for her.

 

If she doesn't come around or doesn't accept the facts at hand, then you've tried. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. I do feel for you, it must be hard to watch a good friend seemingly head down a path of self destruction.

[Mary3]

I know what your saying mary but this girl knew me for years before we dated, we were friends and coworkers. It was me being nice that attracted her to me. I did so much for her over the years, not as much as when we were dating, but a lot. She told me that she was physically attracted to me and liked the fact that I was sweet and nice to her. And she never asked me for a dime, she even told me to not buy her things, she is very unmaterialistic.

This is very weird. My boss called her 2 days ago and left her a message and she never called back. I can probably save her job but she is not responding to anyone.

I am concerned. What sould I do. People tell me to go there and I should I but im just nervous. Why??? Please help

 

As I said , if you think she is in serious danger , unconscious or hurt in ANY way , Go to her house.

 

Even if she is not hurt , just stop by and say " Jenny I am very concerned about you. If you want me and your job to leave you alone , thats cool . But I stopped by to see if you were still breathing "

[berry_oh]

I agree with what everyone is saying. This has moved beyond just you and her in a relationship now. It's now also about her career, her children, financial issues, ect.

You need to find the courage inside yourself and see her. Put aside your personal feelings and do what's best for her. It's hard, but I think I speak for everyone else here when I say we have your back on this.

as that saying goes, Keep a stiff upper lip.

[banser123]

Well there is a little break through. My boss sent her a letter unofficially terminatin her. She finally called him back and asked to meet with him. He said he rather talk to her on the phone which they set up for this morning. She emailed me as well yesterday telling me she was ok and saying that she has no hard feelings and hope I dont either. She said if I needed anything dont hesitate to ask her. She told me that she thinks she is about to get laid off. I told her to call our boss and tell him you really need the job because he thinks you dont care being that you havent called or returned his messages. I aslo spoke to my boss and helper her cause because I have some pull with the company because I have been there a long time. They spoke this morning and worked something out. She will work part time for now. Her son is not doing well from the surgery 2 months ago and thats why she needs to go part time. At first my boss didnt want to go for it but he knows we were close so I think he did it more for me.

I havent mentioned anything to her about us and I feel as tho it is better to wait to see how things pan out. I still have feelings for her so much and i hope ot falls into place. I know she has problems and she didnt do anything to me intentionally, or at least thats what I think.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I should approach this

[berry_oh]

She did get back to you, that was nice of her. And she doesn't want any hard feelings between you two.

Honestly, I think you should just let this go. yes you still have feelings for her, but I think it's best for both of you to just let it go, for now. Even if you really want things to happen with you two, rushing in to it won't do any of you any good. So set your feelings aside, because you need to move on with your life a little. I'm not saying you should completely cut her out of your life, I'm not saying you should ignore her or stop being a friend. But be just a friend to her. Give her some time and space to set her life back in order. And maybe like what other people said, if things are going to happen with you two, let her be the one to chase you a little. But you shouldn't hold out on her too much though. You shouldn't be putting your life on hold just for her.

[banser123]

I am glad I know she is ok physically. I know emotionally she is still sad tho. I will not bring us up. She needs to talk to me about it if anything.

I am so sorry if I sound weak or like a broken recoed. I just cant get one thing out of my mind. Last year when we first agreed to date we were laying in my bed kissing and talking and she told me in the most excited tone that she couldnt believe we were together like this and she was so happy about it. Just that alone makes me feel as tho it is meant to be. She is not a liar or player so i know she is not that type to say that and not mean it. Its hard because not only were we friends but we shared alot of great memories. I know I cant expect anything but I hope it works out, thats all I can do right now. Some may not agree but for now I cant stop hoping. I feel as tho I need to hope in order for me to get through this

[berry_oh]

But even so you still need to give her some time and space. I'm not saying what she did to you was right, or it was justified, but if anything is going to come out of this, there needs to be some room for yourselves to grow, emotionally and mentally. I dont think you should give up hope completely, but I dont think you should be holding on to her too much either. You also need to get on with your life, and you can't put your life on hold, not even for her. I guess what I'm trying to say is you should try to find a balance between still being her friend, since I know you dont want to just leave her on her own, and having your life outside of her.

The ultimate choice is up to you of course. All we can do here is advise you.

My heart goes out to you, my friend. :]

You treated her right, but she needs to realize this on her own.

[banser123]

I just dont understand why she seems like she doesnt want to even be friends. We had such a nice friendship for years at work and I understand that iy might be different now but shouldnt I be the one that feels akward? Shouldnt I feel rejected? Why is she avoiding me? I told her I would like to remain friends and I knwo she is struggling. So why is she acting like I dont exist? Do you think she might be ashamed?

But I do understand that time might be needed and I am patient. I have not been calling her and I have been geting out keeping busy. Its just that I am confused as to why she is reacting like I am dead.

Thank you berry oh for your kind words and your advice. I really do appreciate it.

[sugarmomma]

I read the entire post and she is a classic case of the emotionally unavailable. I don't care how much love and affection you show this kind, they have no problem abandoning people who care about them. They blow hot and cold all the time and do what's call the 'push/pull' where they bring you really close and then devestate you by pushing you away.

 

I would say to you to educate yourself (google emotionally unavailable) and get some understanding of the kind of person you are dealing with.

 

I know this so well because I did the same thing to my xh. Are you the kind of person that attracts emotionally needy and wounded people? You know the kind that need to be rescued and have a lot of 'problems' that you can fix?

 

Dig deeper and examine whether you are the kind of person that has to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

 

I also had a guy like that. Always had a crisis and was just a drama king. Of course, I thought that I could save him. NOT!!

 

Find someone who is emotionally available and doesn't have a lot of unresolved issues.

 

Just a question- was this a sexual relationship?

 

Good Luck!

[thrillaveza]

hey i think this was said to you in the earlier posts, but i agree what someone said a mistake you did (as well as what was said to me btw) me and you were TOO nice to the person we like. apparently girls/women don't like that at all. it sucks hearing that because i wouldn't want to be a douche to someone i am interested in, and i am sure you feel the same way too. but with me, i am 20, and the girl i like is my age, so obviously we are still young and perhaps new at this. others. which i don't know is good advice but what i have heard from people is that people like us should be more into our own things before helping others esp. when it comes to people we like. i guess the phrase that fit is nice guys finish last. but all i know is, girls will mature and later in life go for the person who's too nice.

[banser123]

Here is the latest. She came back to work today after talking with my boss last week and working something out. I felt kind of nervous and akward. I walked in to say hello to everyone and I saw her on the other end of the room, she was at her desk. I first waved hello and she smiled and said hi but was staring at me. So I figured to walk up to her to see how she was doing. When I got to her desk she got up and very nervously approached me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. All the years I knew her before we dated she never did that, in fact she was not known to do that to anyone unless they approached her. She seemed very nervous. I asked how she was doing and she asked me the same. There were people around. She then texted me about an hour later, because I had stepped out of the office, and said she hoped I didnt feel extremely akward. I said I was ok and asked her if she felt akward, then I said I was glad to see her tho. She responded she was ok and thanks. I asked her if she felt uncomfortable when I said I was glad to see her and she said no, it was fine and that she was glad to see me too. I know she felt uncomfortable because not too many people were talking to her, they are a bit angry, so I texted her saying I hoped she felt ok and if she needed anything at work to ask me. She thanked me.

She smiled at me once when I walked past her. And she left early, because she works part time now, she stopped by my office and said goodbye, which she never did before. It was nice to see her. I hope she is doing better menatlly. I hope we can at least get back to how it once was, in time

[sugarmomma]

That's good that she okay. Be careful to not get so wrapped up in her issues the next time.

 

I would let her come my way if I were you. She knows how you feel about her. She seems way too damaged to be involved with anyone intimately.

 

Take good care of yourself in the meantime.

[berry_oh]

It sounds like things are going to be ok with you two. Yeah dont get too involved with her for the time being, just give her some more time to get her life back in order.

[banser123]

Thank you all for the advice. It has really helped.

Things have been as expected, I guess. I already posted how her first day back at work went. The second day I said good morning and then during lunch I saw her at her desk alone (she does not take lunch because she is part time and leaves early) so I texted her asking if she was hungry because I had leftover food. She said she wasnt hungry but thanked me.

Today I got in before she did and she popped in my office to say good morning to me. She seems lonely at work because no one really talks to her that much. Plus it is very slow so she must feel uncomfortable.

 

I know I have to be patient and I will. But I hope things work out because I do care for her alot. We were once very very close and I miss that. Does anyone think this will work out or am I just wishful thinking???

 

Thank you all for the advice, I really do appreciate it.

[WTRanger]

Does anyone think this will work out or am I just wishful thinking???

 

No one can really answer this. Only time will tell. It's up to you to honestly asses the situation and ask yourself is she worth the effort? Does she mean that much to you?

 

That being said, in every case there are limits. I don't think it's healthy to endure this kind of limbo mode for the rest of your life. If this is just a phase, then you might have to power through it. If it's going to go on forever or for the foreseeable future then you may have to make a tough decision to let her go.

 

Have hope, and keep that hope alive. But temper it with reality.

[Stuck]

I think she KNOWS you're there, you're totally available, you're crazy about her - I mean, LOL, you're following her every move and posting it on a website - and I think it's a turn off. (didn't she even say something like that to you at one point?). I just have this sneaking suspicion that if you ever showed up one day with a date, she'd be like 100% interested in you again. Stop offering her your leftovers and cool down a bit. It's not helping things. (awfully sweet gesture, but i think she would fall for you if you would just act a bit cooler). She already knows you're nice, she knows her kids love you, she knows you are good to her and for her. But there is some little spark that is missing.

 

Instead of hesitantly attempting to start a conversation, nervously, at the end of the work day, squeeze her on the shoulder and say, "I'd love to catch up with you some time, not now though, gotta run. Take care." She's gonna think "wait. what? HE doesn't have time for ME?"

 

If she texts you, don't answer right away, or don't answer at all once in a while. Don't stare at her, don't make sad, longing eyes in her direction. Look happy and satisfied in your own life.

 

I know, I know, it's game playing. I know it's probably going to make you REALLY uncomfortable. But it might kick this up a notch. She's gonna think she lost you, and it's going to make her want you more. I mean, just look at poor michael jackson. No one was clamoring to buy Thriller albums two weeks ago, were they? (i'm not suggesting you need to die to win her affection). Just be a lot less available.

[banser123]

Thank you Stuck.

Yes she knows I am crazy about her. When she first ended it I took it badly and she knows. But since then I have not called her and mentioned anything about us getting back. As badly hurt and heart broken as I am I am not sure if she even knows the extent as to how bad I feel.

But I do agree with what you are saying. The question I have is: Being that she knows I am already crazy for her if I decide to act less interested as you suggest dont you think she will know I am acting. Do you think she will believe the fact that I went from being crazy about her to not so crazy that fast. I am not saying your idea is bad I just think about these things and wonder if they would work. I guess I am just really negative when it comes to this situation. All my friends say that she will surely call me because she will realize how much I did for her and how I was there for her in all aspects and miss me. They dont believe she is seeing another guy and even if the slight chance that she is he will never do the things I did and she needs that in her life.

Thanks for anymore advice and or thoughts

[berry_oh]

You're thinking about this a lot and from many different aspects, which is good. It honesty shows how much you like this girl.

 

Anyway what Stuck said is good, I think you should do that. I dont think she'll believe you are acting. She might think for a little bit that you could be acting, but if you act confidently and sincerely as possible she believe you moved on from her a bit. And she's been MIA for what was it again? 2 months? If she was only gone for 2 weeks, then even I would believe you're acting, but 2 months is a long time. It's long enough for anyone to move on with their lives. And either way, it'll help you to feel better about everything. You're not cutting her out of your life completely, but you're showing good strength of character, which any real woman should love anyway.

 

I know she'll be on the back of your mind a lot, and you're not going to give up hope on her, even if we all tell you that you should. But it isn't mentally healthy of you to hold on to it too much either. If things are going to work out, then everything will fall into place soon enough, and most likely when you least expect it. The trick is to not show her that you're completely uninterested in her and act completely different (as in be more of a jerk or something to her), cause if she's going to like you, then she'll like you for you, not for who you became. But none the less, she already knows you're interested in her and are willing to do anything for her, but she doesn't want you enough, and what people are saying is the best way for you to 1: move on with your life a little and 2: make her want you. It'll be the best for you in the long run, and you're a very considerate and thoughtful person and you deserve the right to be happy with your life, not tied down to this situation which is making you miserable.

[banser123]

Im sure your right. Its just that I am thinking about it alot because I do deeply care for her. Its not like I just met a girl and dated her for a while and fell in love and she left me. This was my friend and we shared so many memories, as friends and dating. I hope she is at least thinkng about me and missing me a little at least.

 

She left work today and stopped by my office to say goodbye and told me to have a nice weekend. She seems like she is trying to be nice but is nervous and feels akward. I miss her a lot. Last year for the 4th of July we spent it together and had a good time. This weekend will bring back memories (I am very sentimental) and it will be rough to get by.

 

One of my friends tells me to text or call her tonight to ask how her son is doing then see if she has any plans and if not ask her if she wants to get together with the kids and do something. Sort of like nothing ever happened. Part of me wants to. I think, wow imagine its that easy, but part of me feels like I should be patient and wait for her to call me. If she says no I will feel worse and only set things back.

 

This really sucks. Its funny because throughout the day I have feelings that things will get better with us and I feel a little better but every morning I wake up I feel empty and feel like things will not work out.

Its not easy. Thank you all for your help, advice and thoughts.