need thoughts, I am hurting

[banser123]

She def. doesnt have someone. she would tell me, I mean why not tell me. She already is tainting the friendship. Plus, we have been spending too much time together for her to meet someone, and she never goes out, I mean very very rarely. It might sound weird but its true. I think her self esteem is too low for her to dtae, plus she is scared to let people into her life, she admitted this to me.

As far as her having to answer questions about our friendship, everyone at work knows the deal and they mind their own business, and outside of work, she doesnt have many friends so she pretty much keeps to herself.

Im confused because she initated all the talking and getting close again, even if it was on a friend level. she even wanted to be partners in a side business. so why would she do all that then just pull away Its like she is scared that her feelings will come back if we are friends or something. I dont get it.

I did date a girl last summer, it was not serious but I told her about it.

[WTRanger]

The question you need to ask yourself is, "Why should she tell you about another man?" Perhaps she has grown tired of you always hanging around her. Perhaps she's tired of you not taking a chance with her. A real chance, not telling her but acting on it. Perhaps she's needing a man to take charge, to take her on a date and not just "hang out" with her.

 

Remember back in my old posts in this thread about being in a similar spot with a girl a year ago? She went silent, she changed the way she acted, she did strange things. Want to know why? Yep, another guy. She never told me, never hinted, nothing. Until one day, here's her re-activated Facebook page that shows back up under my friends, and guess what the relationship status says. Yeah, that's how I found out.

 

I deleted her from my FB page, and haven't talked to her since. That was 8 months ago and I am forever glad I did. I went out and found someone who could actually reciprocate my feelings. Who could actually be honest with me. Sure, it took some searching. Sure it was hard to remove the other girl from my life. But you know what? She didn't care. She couldn't even be honest with me. Tell me, how good of a friendship is that?

 

You have essentially wasted over a year of your life on this chase. What have you gotten out of it? What has been your return on your investment?

 

To reiterate everything that was said last year, MOVE ON with your life and this girl.

Edited May 17, 2010 by WTRanger

[banser123]

well, she is pretty honest and told me she would like to date so i dont see why she wouldnt tell me if she was seeing someone. If she is not telling me to keep our friendship, that doesnt make sense because she is pretty much killing our friendship already.

and she is not a big dater, other than her kids father, who she met when she was young she only had one small relationship and then ours. her self esteem is pretty low right now and it doesnt seem like she is in the right mind frame to start dating. she has a problem of letting people into her life, she has told me she is very scared to do so because she has gotten burnt in the past, not only with a guy, but her family and friends as well.

I feel like I ccame so close to her letting me in and then she just retreated.

I am her friend and I do care about her and wish she could be happy. But I just wish I knew the reason why she is keeping distant with me. I know it seems like she just doeasnt like me romantically and wants to move on, but I know her too well and it seems more than that. she has always been attracted to me and even asked me to date her. now she seems somewhat umcomfortable around me, like she is scared or something.

Im sorry, I know this is complicated, it just bothers me not knowing what it is

[WTRanger]

She could be protecting herself. She may have convinced herself that everyone leaves, including you. So she'll run away before you do (not saying you'd do that but this is in her mind.)

 

People like this are ultra confusing and the more you try to help and try to figure it out, the worst it gets. As hard as it is, you've got to let her run. The more you push, the more she'll move away.

[banser123]

Thank you for your responses. It makes sense what you are saying, but this seems a little more complicated.

She tells me she wants to spend less time and stops calling me after work and on the weekends. I say no problem and leave it be. At work we are friendly but not like before.

The funny thing is, after a few weeks of this she calls me on a saturday and says she wants me to come over, she misses my company. I pass by for a few minutes then she asks me to come over at night after the kids fall asleep so we can talk, she says she is feeling a lil down. When I get there we watch tv and she says she is ok its nothing major thats making her feel down. I thought she would have a lot to say but we just chilled and watched tv and talked. Its like she lied to me to get me to come over.

I know there is no other guy. And she doesnt seem to be using me for anything other than my company maybe. It makes me feel like she cant let go of me. I mean she had us being distant and she keeps coming back, but I dont know why. It seems like she wants to be close but gets scared off. Im sorry but its really confusing.

[Mary3]

Thank you for your responses. It makes sense what you are saying, but this seems a little more complicated.

She tells me she wants to spend less time and stops calling me after work and on the weekends. I say no problem and leave it be. At work we are friendly but not like before.

The funny thing is, after a few weeks of this she calls me on a saturday and says she wants me to come over, she misses my company. I pass by for a few minutes then she asks me to come over at night after the kids fall asleep so we can talk, she says she is feeling a lil down. When I get there we watch tv and she says she is ok its nothing major thats making her feel down. I thought she would have a lot to say but we just chilled and watched tv and talked. Its like she lied to me to get me to come over.

I know there is no other guy. And she doesnt seem to be using me for anything other than my company maybe. It makes me feel like she cant let go of me. I mean she had us being distant and she keeps coming back, but I dont know why. It seems like she wants to be close but gets scared off. Im sorry but its really confusing.

 

You sound like her emotional Tampon....

[WTRanger]

How long are you going to do this to yourself? You know the outcome, yet you keep doing the experiment over and over again hoping it'll change. That's idiocy!

 

Maybe there's not another guy, but I can sure as hell tell you that you aren't the primary guy either. As Mary said, you are just a nice, safe, endless emotional tampon.

[banser123]

It might seem that way but I dont think that she is using me when she has no one else. I will give you an example. This weekend we spent alot of time together. She had plans for memorial day weekend to go to her friends party near the beach, music food and all. She cancelled and asked if I wanted to go with her to a park and have a picnic together with the kids. We actually hung out and had a good time. The next day she asked me over for breakfast and then at night I stopped by for an hour to watch tv. She had a chance to hang out with her friends but she didnt. I am not saying that means she loves me or not but it does show me she is not using me when she has no one else. At least in my opinion

[WTRanger]

Of course you don't see it that way. You don't want to see it that way. She may not be using you in a malicious sort of way, but she is using you for your attention. She may just want a friend, but you want much more. You are NOT on the same level and it's not a very healthy thing to do. It's a bad situation. You refuse to see anything different, you refuse to listen, so why do you keep looking for answers?

 

If you like living your life in absolute confusion, keep doing what you are doing. But when things collapse and you break free from her, or have a huge falling out, you are not only going to crush yourself, but you will crush her. Can't you see that your selfish need for a relationship and your willingness to settle for far less is a lie to both of you? You lie to her in the fact that you claim to be doing it as "friends" and she lies to to in the fact that she might come around and finally fall for you.

 

End this madness. Not only for you, but if you really care for her you'll end this.

[sugarmomma]

Have you ever even kissed this girl? I went back and read post #1 and it simply says that you guys were hanging out as friends. So I am assuming that there has never been a romantic encounter?

 

You have some serious issues if you are still pining for this girl after all this time. You have received so much feedback about this situation and have not taken any of the advice given to you.

 

Your denial is so deep that I don't understand why you are here. Why are you here? Are you looking for someone to tell you to keep hoping, wishing, putting your life on hold for this woman? No one here is going to tell you that.

 

How old are you??

 

Please get some counseling to find out why you have a hard time letting go of the illusion that this girl has any romantic interest in you. She does NOT. She wants you as a friend only.

 

Stop torturing yourself. You have become a glutton for punishment. Sorry if I seem cruel. I just hate to see people wasting their life in unrequited love.

 

Being in love is a beautiful thing but not when you are in love by yourself.