need thoughts, I am hurting

[Stuck]

Let me start off by saying that I totally know how you feel. When I was single, I think at least 3 times I spent literally months weeping over some guy who I thought was THE ONE and why on earth didn't he see how great I was and bla bla bla. You sound like a great guy, and I'm 100% certain that even if this particular girl doesn't work out, you are going to find someone even better. Ok? Just tell yourself that, because it's true.

 

But now, back to her. She already has two kids to some guy who left her, for whatever reason. So if I'm correct on that, we already know that she doesn't exactly have stellar taste in guys. Her head tells her that you are lovely and "just the kind of guy she should marry" but some other messed up part of her is saying "blech, this is so dull, he totally wants me. I have him wrapped around my pinkie." Listen, don't just let her alone - forget about her. Go and have a good time over the weekend (I realize this is totally impossible in your current state of mind, but it's for the greater good). Come back to work on Monday with a huge smile, ask her how her 4th was. She'll say "oh it was ok, watched the fireworks, how was yours?" You say, "It was sooo much fun." laugh a bit, roll your eyes - gosh my weekend was just insanely fun. Or something along those lines. Just let it at that. JUST LET HER WONDER WHY. If she asks what you did that was so fun, just say, "oh, the usual stuff, you know." Just be vague, look busy, move on. Don't lie, though. You'll get caught.

 

Don't stare, don't make longing faces in her direction, be friendly but let it be clear that your life is so full that you're just not able to concentrate on her. I'm serious. You have to do this. If you can't muster up any excitement based on the actual weekend, then just psyche yourself up by telling yourself that this is going to win her back.

 

It's too late for you to play like nothing ever happened. something did. You have to change your game totally and start over.

[Stuck]

by the way in my first paragraph, i don't mean to belittle your situation. I went months without even eating after some of those breakups. When I say I know how you feel, I really mean it! I analysed every text message, every email, every gesture. Sigh.

[banser123]

thanks for the advice. It is really difficult.

as she left work today she passed by my office and said bye and have a nice weekend. I told her the same.

But I did something. My friend kept telling me to text her and see what she was doing this weekend. Dont ask her to hang out just see what she had planned. I thought about it and decided to text her. I started off by asking how her son was doing. She said ok thanks. Then I asked her what she had planned for the weekend, she said she was taking her kids to a museum tomorrow and on saturday going to a bbq. she asked me what I had planned. I told her a bbq on saturday and going for drinks for my friends bday tomorrow. I kept it brief.I told her to have a good nite and asked her if she wanted to get together for coffee or something. I didnt say when or one day I just sais do you want to get together for coffee or something. she responded, "well, lets see... maybe sometime next week...." I said whenever, thats fine, I told her it has been a while and it would be nice to catch up a little. She said, yeah, sounds good. then I said good night.

 

I know that maybe it wasnt a good idea or it is too soon but for some reason i was thinking maybe I should. Being that its done what do you guys/girls think of her response?

[berry_oh]

All we do is give advice. You are the one who knows the situation the best and in the end, it's all going to be you who decides what's the best thing to do. All I can say is whatever you ultimately decide to do, give it your all so that whatever happens in the end you'll be without regrets.

Best of Luck

[banser123]

people tell me that only a cold hearted ungrateful person can accept all the good things I have done for her and her kids and just cut me off like I was dead. I would find it hard to believe that she is that cold. I know she is going through things but can she be that cold? She didnt just ignore me during those two months, she seemed to ignore a lot of people (Sons school nurse, furniture store, parking tickets, our boss). so maybe I shouldnt take it personal.

I know that she asked me to date and during that time she seemed liked she really wanted it but something was stopping her from feeling comfortable and she would say its not me. So I just hope that I can get to the bottom of this and she can open up to me one day. I think that if I know the truth I will feel a lot better and less hurt.

I just dont know how to approach it if we do end up getting together one day. Do I keep it cool and then wait for a second get together to bring it up or do I bring it up the first time we get together?

[rhitt]

people tell me that only a cold hearted ungrateful person can accept all the good things I have done for her and her kids and just cut me off like I was dead. I would find it hard to believe that she is that cold. I know she is going through things but can she be that cold? She didnt just ignore me during those two months, she seemed to ignore a lot of people (Sons school nurse, furniture store, parking tickets, our boss). so maybe I shouldnt take it personal.

I know that she asked me to date and during that time she seemed liked she really wanted it but something was stopping her from feeling comfortable and she would say its not me. So I just hope that I can get to the bottom of this and she can open up to me one day. I think that if I know the truth I will feel a lot better and less hurt.

I just dont know how to approach it if we do end up getting together one day. Do I keep it cool and then wait for a second get together to bring it up or do I bring it up the first time we get together?

 

 

I would bring it up the first time so you can talk about it and get it out of the way. It sounds like you did do a lot of nice things for her. I'm sure she realizes this. I hope you do get her to open up so you can find your answers. You won't know until you try.

[banser123]

Thank you Rhitt

I hope so too. She says hello and goodbye at work and smiles when she sees me. She texted me yesterday about 30 minutes after she left work asking me if I had her daughter ds system. Her daughter left it in my car when we were still together. I said Im sure I do and will check. She asked me if I can bring it to work today and I said sure.

I was waiting for her to ask me for it today, either through text or in person but she didnt, then she texted me again 30 minutes after she left work again saying she forgot to ask me and checking to see if I found it. I told her I have it and she said thanks. That seemed kind of strange, I think she was waiting for me to bring it to her, but who knows.

Anyway, yes I hope I can get her to open up because I know she is hurting inside and she is pushing me away from trying to console her because I believe she is embarrased. I hope I can make a break through

[banser123]

Need advice:

She has been back to week for 2 weeks now. No real conversations just good mornings and good byes. She normally iniates these.

I have been civil and reached out to her before she came back and she thanked me for that. Last week I texted her and asked if she would want to get together for coffee or something and she responded "well lets see... Maybe next week sometime". She hasnt said anything about it since nor will I.

She called my boss today saying she cant make it to work today because her son was not feeling ok. As you may know he is disabled. She is already on thin ice at work and everyday she doesnt work she doesnt get paid, so I dont think she is lying, at least I hope she is not.

My question is: Should I text her and ask if her son is ok. I am concerned but I dont know if she will take it as a sign of weakness and not appreciate it or if she would appreciate me asking.

[banser123]

I need a ladies point of view

If you read this thread, please tell me:

Why is she being so distant with me. I told her I would like to be friends and I even reached out to her to show her I care and am concerned, but she still keeps distant and just says hi and bye at work. The few times I texted her to see if her son was ok and stuff like that she just thanked me but never really said much. I would think that she would think or care enought of me, after all I did for her and her kids, that she would at least show some concern and ask about me once in a while.

Do you think she has any reasons for being distant other than trying not to lead me on. Sending me a text asking how Im doing is not leading me on, at least I dont think. Please give me your thoughts

[banser123]

So, today is my birthday and I guess I am sort of expecting a text saying happy birthday. A few of the other girls I work with have already texted me. I sort of feel as tho it would be a nice gesture on her part. I thought maybe she wont because she might not want to lead me on but how is saying happy birthday through a text leading me on? Well I just have to wait and see.

[WTRanger]

First off, happy birthday!

 

Secondly, don't expect it to happen. But don't let it ruin your day either. You cannot control her actions. So why fret?

 

That being said, I really know how much it sucks to not get a simple birthday text from someone you'd hope would send you one. I know it all too well and I posted a thread on here a while back about that very same situation....

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t188219/

 

Hang in there.

[banser123]

I understand, I just dont know why? I saw her earlier today alone with her kids walking to her car. I dont suspect another guy, and she told me she wasnt mad or anything. I just dont know why she reuses to send a simple text saying happy birthday. Its not leading me on. This is weird

[banser123]

oh, and thank you wtranger for the happy birthday wish

[WTRanger]

Did she ever come through and tell you happy birthday?

 

Honestly, if she doesn't then you must not dwell on it. Don't try to figure out why, you'll never find the answer.

 

You have to understand that not all people are wired the same way you are, but that's what makes the different. Not everyone reacts or thinks the same way you do. That does not make them bad people, but that's what makes them unique. If it is really bugging you to confront her if she doesn't remember your birthday, then do so. But don't expect her to give you the answer you are looking for. More than likely she'll claim stress and she forgot or she'll just shrug her shoulders and say that she doesn't know.

[banser123]

Nope, nothing. Im at work now and she just came in and walked past my office. No belated happy birthday, no good morning. You would think she is mad, but I have no idea why, I know for sure I didnt do anything but good for her and I have not been a jerk since we stopped talking, I have asked her how her son was doing on several ocasions and always smile and say hello when I see her. I cant understand why she just avoids me. Can she be that embarrassed or guily? Is she just an evil cold hearted person. She was once very appreciative of me and really liked me a lot, I cant figure out why this is happening. Im sorry if I sound like a broken record but its killing me.

[berry_oh]

To me it sounds like she's still trying to sort out her feelings.

What I think is going on is that that she's trying to figure out whether she should like you or not. I think she's just confused. Not really heartless or cold, maybe she feels a little guilty and feels she's not good enough for you (maybe, I'm not too sure about this one).

 

Oh and Happy Belated Birthday. Just to change the topic a little, you had a good b-day despite this?

[Mary3]

Im sorry OP but this girl does not feel for you the way you feel for her. I did go back and re-read the beginnings of this post. # 63 posts later and almost 2 months since you posted , this girl is NOT interested in your in a romantic way.

 

If you tell me tomorrow that she calls you at 2 am crying then she is using you again. If you tell me she needs a ride or her car fixed , or her kids babysat or ANYTHING and you agree to do it , then you are simply being USED.

 

Why do you think you held on this long ? I think you might want to dig deeper inside yourself. Most men , when being ditched , avoided , broken up with , ignored and used wilL STOP caring , stop contact ,

 

Please have more respect and love for yourself and MOVE ON ,.

 

To suggest this OP * hang on * is cruel . He needs to let go and find a girl who IS interested in him in EVERY way.

[banser123]

Berry Oh, thanks for the birthday wish. I sort of agree with you as to her being confused. I just wished she easded up and made things at work better. I have not said a word to her about our relationship since the middle of may so I dont know why she still tries to avoid me. I think she is confused and embarrassed as well.

Mary, You seem very sure that I was being used. If that was the case then why did she stop. She sure is doing really bad after she ended it with me, keeps on getting parking tickets, not reporting to work, etc.. so it doesnt make sense to stop using me. She didnt meet another guy. And most importantly she was very depressed and ashamed about her situation. These facts make it hard for me to believe she was using me. I really think she is just in bad shape and couldnt handle a relationship and she probably feels bad about it.

But then again, who really knows other than her. I just find it hard to believe she would use a coworker and good friend. I mean, she had me as a friend and I would of helped her anyway and she still iniated a romantic relationship so I dont think she didnt feel anything romantically.

[WTRanger]

I'm not sure if she is using you, but she may have in the past. She might feel extremely guilty about it and feels like she can't deal with you or talk to you about it. In a round about spineless sort of way.

 

Basically it seems as if she's built a super wall around her and you do not have the password. Nothing you do will get you inside that wall. There are few things in this world as impenetrable as when a girl puts up the super wall. The more you push, the stronger the wall comes. Though, strangely, the less you care the weaker the wall becomes.

 

Right now, the girl in my case is still being just as confusing as the girl in your case. In a different, but similar way. We had part of the talk all the way back in March, and she still refuses to talk any more about it. She left it at, "I need time to process things." I thought I could wait it out, I thought I could deal with her better after I moved away. Truth is, I can't and I'm growing tired of being on emotional hair trigger with her. Even if she doesn't do anything, she can set off these little atom bombs of outbursts, that happen in private or in my head. But one day she'll accidentally set off the big bomb and I'm really afraid of who might get caught up in the blast. Which is why I'm currently trying to figure out a way to bow out gracefully. If I drop off the face of the earth, I doubt she'll notice and if I say something I doubt she'll respond. Bottom line, after 6 months of this crap, I don't think I can take anymore. I want to move forwards again. She can come with me, she can co-pilot even. But if she doesn't want to get on board, then I'm taking off and leaving her behind.

 

Her life is circling the drain, there is no need to get caught up in more than you already have.

[banser123]

Well today started out bad. I had food poisoning and my friend had to take me to the hospital. I called my job and spoke to one of the girls and told her to tell my boss I was in the hospital. Thank God I feel better now and I am home. Surprisingly I got a call from her today after she left work. This really surprised me because she loves to text instead of calling. I was sleeping and I didnt answer. She left a voice message saying she heard at work that I was in the hospital and she hoped I was ok. She told me to call her when I got the message then she repeated it. She sounded very nervous. She then left me a text asking if I was ok. She also asked the girls at work 3 times which hospital I was in, but they didnt know because I didnt tell them.

I responded to the text when I woke up and we had a brief conversation. She asked if I was home and she asked where I ate yesterday. I told her a friend took me out for my bday, which was sunday, and she responded, by the way,, happy birthday. I said thanks and she said I didnt have to thank her. I then told her I was tired and that I would call her tomorrow or see her in work on thursday. She said ok.

I wonder if she was waiting for me to bring something up.

What do you guys think of this?

[Mary3]

I think she cares about you as a friend. Is it possible to develop deep attraction for someone at a romantic level ? Over time she could realize you are a great guy. But you seem consumed with this girl. Always hoping she will come around.

 

The food poisoning incident ( by the way GLAD you are okay ! ) seemed to bring out her caring nature.

 

I will give the advice that I gave earlier . Get on with your life.

 

There is a rare occurance that she will feel the attraction . You can hold out for that but I dont recommend it.

 

Coming from a ( female ) myself , we usually dont suddenly fall for a guy if we have rejected their advances. This could be different. My advice does not change, Even if you win her , you should have done so along time ago,

 

Hope you feeelz better

[berry_oh]

Hate to tell you this but I think you're just looking into her actions more than you should. Yes it was nice that she was very caring and concerned for you, but don't take that as an act of romantic interest. From what I've seen, there are girls who can be caring just by nature but it doesn't mean anything other than just caring for a friend.

She was probably really concerned about you because despite everything that's happened, you were, and are, still a big part of her life and I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to loose you, but that still doesn't mean she wants you as anything more than a friend.

I agree with WTRanger that I don't think she's using you. She probably did in the past, she was using you emotionally, and she's feeling guilty because of it. Either way, she's not emotionally ready to get into a relationship with you, that I know for sure.

And I do agree with Mary in that you need to move on from this a little. It's fine if you don't want to stop contact completely with her, but keeping your hopes up that she'll suddenly realize she has feelings for you isn't going to do you, or her, any good. You need to let this go a little. I'm not saying you should go out and date other women or anything like that; I'm sure you don't want to right now anyway. You need to give her some time and space, and most of all, if something was going to happen between you two, then she needs to develop those feelings on her own without you. You can't force someone to like you, and I'm sorry to say but nice actions aren't always enough to win someone over. There needs to be more of a chemistry and connection, so don't feel that just because you were such a nice and caring guy to her that she'll fall for you just because of that. Yes it's a factor, but from what you've told us about her, it's not enough.

 

Stay strong dude. Take it one day at a time, and move on with your life a little. Don't keep clinging on to the hopes of you and her, but don't rule it out either. It sounds strange right? To loose hope, but in a way not give up hope either.

On a note, if you do show that you're letting go of everything and moving on from her, she might end up realizing (not right away) that there is the chance of loosing you, which might force her to reflect on her feelings a little and that might turn out good in your favor. It's just one possibility and even if this were to happen, you gotta be able to step away from everything.

[WTRanger]

I have to agree with berry on this one, I think you are reading too much into. That is being fueled your raging feelings for her. Believe me, I'm doing it right now. It sucks. You read way to much into things and by the time you are done a simple action on their end has turned into a 4,000 step complicated mess. The sad part is, I know I'm doing this. I'm getting better at stopping myself short of insanity, but it's not an overnight fix.

 

Try as hard as you can to take her actions at face value. She was concerned for the well being of a good friend. A good friend that was once concerned for her well being.

[banser123]

hello everyone., It has been a long time since I posted anything.

If anyone remembers my story, or wants to reread my story, I have a question.

Me and this girl had become friends again. Since september we started to speak more and I even went by her house a few times. We are friends only, she made it clear that thats what she wants and she does not want to lead me on in anyway. I respect her for that.

to make a long story short, we have become very close, she texts me 3 times a day, we go to lunch at work everyday, I go to her house once a week after work to eat and we get together for lunches on the weekend once in a while. She even got me a valentines day card that said luv ya, with chocolates. It was as a friend but I was surprised because she is not big into getting gifts, especially for a lovers holiday. but reagrdless things have been fine.

Now all of a sudden she hasnt called me so much and things at work are very cordial, not as friendly. We dont do lunch at work as much, or she invites someone else to come with us if we do. She seems very uncomfortable around me. I confronted her about it and she said she was just busy and tired. a week later, she still continued like this so I asked her again. she told me she wanted us to spend less time because it would help us both to move on. she says she would like to date one day and it would be easier if we spend less time.

I never once talked about us being together since last year. I never pressure her and I am just a very good friend. Her logic does not make sense. She has no feelings for me so why should it be hard for her to move on.

She has been a little depressed lately, but it seems she is avoiding me for a reason she wont say, and she is making excuses.

Does anyone have any thought as to why she is distancing herself from me. Its not another guy, I know that. and its not me pressuring her because I never mention it.

[WTRanger]

It's another guy. That's the only reason. Even if she hasn't met him yet, or she just has her eyes on someone, or she's actually talking to one. People probably have been asking her about the two of you and she could be tired of answering "We're just friends." and all of the follow-up questions about if the two of you spend so much time together then why don't you just date.

 

She's right. The less time you two spend together, the quicker you can move on. Tell me, have you dated in this time? Have you perused other women?