5 year relationship 3 week engagement now shes gone?

[amblix]

Ok here is my long story in the shortest version possible. My ex as of right now and I have been together for the past 5 years. I can honestly say we have never really had any major hurldes to overcome and our relationship like any other had problems but for the most part was great. For the past year she would bring up marriage and I have been ready for sometime prepping for it. I saved up a few months and went out to buy a nice 2ct ring. I then took her on a cruize to mexico and proposed on the ship and she happily agreed.

 

Now the pressure I guess what put on. Almost right away she went out buying bridal mag after bridal mag, her and her mother went out trying on dresses and she had a complete blast. We on the other hand started getting edgy because of nerves which is expected. Well one night we had her parents over to dinner to my new house to go over wedding plans and that night she dropped the ball of I need space right now. Her words were like this. Baby I know your the one for me and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I just need this space to really think about things and hang out with my friends for a while. I did the usualy and would put the pressure on trying to convince her otherwise but I only did this a few times in a span of 2 weeks. It has now been 1 month since we have seen each other and have only talked on the phone twice. I know she is at night clubs all the time with her friends but her friends also have long term relationships with whom they wish to marry.

 

Now since I did try to persuade her otherwise I took a step back and wrote her this letter after our first full week with no contact:

 

Hey baby, I just wanted to write you this letter to tell you I have been thinking a lot about us since our last talk and I think I finally get it. It feels as though a light which has been out for 4 ¾ years has just clicked on. I HAD to give you this letter during this space because of the circumstances of our last telephone conversations. I bluntly became insanely insecure and said something’s that I probably should not have said and I do not want you to have this time to drive those negative thoughts in your head simply because I now see things in a whole new light. You know me also, I hate leaving things open at the end of an argument but at the same time I didn’t want to invade any space or confuse you so I thought I would give it a few days. If this letter further confuses you I apologize but I felt it is necessary for you to know how I feel.

 

So, you know how you and I have all of these “signs” towards our relationship together? Well the other day when I felt like I hit rock bottom I was reading my horoscope and it boggled my mind. This is what it said…

 

“Be careful, you are about to cut out someone very close to you for “superficial” reasons. Think twice before jumping the gun, be an adult and make the right decision”

 

This really made me take a step back to really look into the reasons I was feeling the way I was. On the surface or “superficial” if you will this is what I hearing. I was “hearing” that you wanted to breakup, you wanted to go out with your friends but you still know I am the one for you. I panicked because I was so scared of loosing my best friend because I am a typical male who’s love in life is extremely beautiful and highly desired. I know many other men would kill to have you and that is exactly what worried me. I needed self confidence. When I took that step back to look at the substantial reasons to this situation it really opened up my eyes. I want to say this to you. I completely agree and trust your decision to do what we are doing. Right now your 21 almost 22 and have yet had the chance to experience time without me, life with your friends, and the party night club life. Sweetie I was once 21 going on 22 and was feeling the same way as I am sure you recall. After all I do remember always making fun of you for not being 21 when I was hahahahaa 

 

I have since realized this and know this is something you need to do. What kind of relationship would it be if you felt resentment towards me for not letting you live life. We are young and marriage is a huge decision and I know we want to do this once and do it right. Babe over the past 5 years we have done EVERYTHING right and I know you know this as well which is why I am now so confident in your decision. You do need to find yourself, you do need to enjoy life from other perspectives. Looking back at past conversations throughout the years I realize now how my insecurities in the past have led you to feel bad for going out with your friends which in return would cause you not to go out or fights would break out which possibly built up resentment towards me, this is completely understandable. For this I deeply apologize and I want you to know I want you to do and always do what ever makes you happy. I was so blinded by your extreme beauty and personality and the fact that other men do desire you that I lost track of what really matters, the fact that you truly love me.

 

I know your probably doing lots of things with your friends up to and including living it up at the clubs and I just want you to know I am cool with that. If you want to dance with other guys or gay woman for that matter hahahaha  , by all means sweetie have a great time but only do what your heart wants you to do. A relationship should not be built on rules but on understanding and trust and love and I truly see this for certain. This is really an important time in our lives and I do not wish to hold you back from experiencing life because it would not be healthy for either of us.

 

As usual you were right, you said “If we can get through this, we can get through anything and I will know certain if You are the one for me”

 

This is so true….

 

Although you may decide to date someone else I cannot say I would like it but at the same time I realize it is something you may feel you have to do and its your life, your decision. I am not saying date others and I am not saying not to date others but all I can ask for, is for us to be happy, follow our hearts and do what we think is the right thing to do. Again I don’t want a relationship built on rules or guilt but rather love and trust and freedom to think for ourselves and do what we know is best. If we find it is someone else we desire than chances are we just are not meant to be, who knows. I cannot force you to feel one way or the other and you should not force yourself either but simply do what your heart tells you to do and the same goes for me.

 

If deep inside during this time, our hearts tell us we are meant for each other than at that point we will know this for sure and we can then talk and take it from there one step at a time. There is no need to rush anything. I myself will continue to do the soul searching as well and continue to have fun. You should see how much I have gotten accomplished hahahahaha  Now that the light has turned on I am able to go out and have fun again and experience new things, new people, new environments, and also not to mention get SO much done. One request for both of us though. Lets no longer discuss our relationship issues when we talk again because we may misinterpret them which gets us even more confused and side tracked (gee you didn’t say that from the beginning did you  ) Damn I hate when your right  But lets only discuss the relationship when in our hearts we know the outcome and no matter that outcome we have to let the other know how and when we decide. We are mature adults who love each other and need to be honest.

 

With that said I just want to say I miss you a lot baby doll. I know that no matter the outcome it will be for the best and I whole heartedly support you.

I love you with all of my heart and soul

-------------------------

 

Now my question is... was this the right thing to do? I know her friends want us together, her entire family want us together but what really mattters is if she. I for one already do and did know she was the one for me... afterall I did put the ring on her finger but I just didnt let her know that in this letter because I do know woman need to wonder about their man as weird as that is....

 

Whats bothering me is she has to know by now one way or another and she still is just doing nothing about it........ could this mean that she just does want space and thats it.... or is this a chicken **** way of breaking up with me? If so I just dont get why she would say we will be together once this is done with if she had no desire to. Thats a LONG drawn out breakup.

 

To protect myself I am already forcing myself to fall out of love because I just have this wierd feeling that its over and she just wont say it but on the other hand her bro went over there the other night and she was going through pictures of us and she was asking him all types of questions about me.

 

I know she is the one but I also know I may not be the one for her and it has to be both ways..... so my next question is I really love her should I wait on seeing other people even if she does as a test? I'm not the one who needs the test and I wouldnt want to make matters even more difficuilt by doing somthing I may regret but at the same time I do not want to be a sucker.

 

I do realize we got into that "comfortable zone" which is a part of this but after 5 years its hard not to no matter who your with but we alwayz find things to make matters fun. I am only afraid shes going to become some wild little party girl... shes already missed 2 weeks of school

 

What do you make of this anyone? This pain is really taking a toll and I am DYING to call her but refuse to but when does it become me screwing myself over? Is this just a phase or the real deal?

 

BTW: My age is 23 she is 21

[UCFKevin]

Hmm.

 

Well, to begin with, that letter was well done, no worries there, I personally think you did the right thing.

 

As for the situation......I dunno. I guess if you don't get any response to your letter, that'll tell you right there what's going on.

[amblix]

Well I did follow up with a phone call 4 days later but a phone call just to see how she was doing and how school was doing. this is how I found out she stopped going for a little while.

 

All she really said was she thanks me for the letter and said its exactly how she feels, the time has been good for her, and that she loves me and misses me so much (typical rhetoric)

 

Thats about it..... I did not want to discuss the relationship really because afterall she did ask for space so I think I should give it to her. I think its the only one true way to find out, if not at least I did what she needed to realize one way or another.

 

I'm just so scared because I want this woman so bad!!! UGH!!!!

 

The more female replies the better because from what I gather you woman and your "space" is a real huge issue with us guys. Space can mean so many different things but it seems from what I have read that the woman who request space also never really lay it straight and always leave that door open which is agonizing. I would be much less hurt if she said its over over..... its the guessing constantly thats driving me nuts....

[UCFKevin]

Is she telling you that she loves you and misses you so much on her own or is it an answer to a question?

 

If she's doing it on her own.....I'd say you're in good shape, man.

[amblix]

She said it 3 times during our conversation completly on her own.....

 

I was in the middle of a sentence and she stopped me to say it...

 

towards the end she said it one more time and I said hun please stop, my emotions are a little out of wack right now and she understood...

[shopgrl]

Gosh amblix your letter was so moving it brought tears to my eyes. I feel for you. I think you did the right thing by writing the letter. You expressed your feelings but you didn't sound needy or pushy. You basically spelled it out how it is-- if you two are meant for one another you'll get back together.

 

Marriage is a huge step especially at 21 years old. I mean she's barely old enough to legally go to clubs! You should be somewhat releived that she asked for some space now and not after your wedding.

 

She asked for space so give her just that. I know it's tough but you have to do it. You love this girl and want her to be happy right? Then don't call her, don't write her anymore. Let her wonder a bit what you're doing. Trust me, if she truly loves you, she will be back. Understand that she has to be hurting just like you are. I don't think any human being can break up with someone after 5 years and be happy.

 

In the meantime, go out and have fun with your friends. As crazy as it sounds, who knows, you may realize that you're not ready for marriage or you may bump into someone else. Get on with your life though whatever you do. Show your ex that you can live without her. Remember, whatever will be will be.

[Something Blue]

I kind of went through something similiar a year ago. I was 21 at the time and my then-fiance was your age. We had been dating for about 3 years when I started having doubts about our relationship and our future together. In the meantime, I met another man online and had been chatting with him. Nothing ever evolved out of it, other than emotional involvement, but still, it put doubts in my head. I told my fiance about all of this and that I needed space in order to figure everything out. Understandably, he was quite upset.

 

We ended up taking a break from each other for about a month. We never stopped contacting each other during that time, just didn't see each other. In that span of time, I realized that I loved him more than ever and truly wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. But he was scared and hurt by the fact that I had been talking to someone else, so he needed more time.

 

So a break that I initiated became my biggest regret. I waited for weeks and weeks while he tried to heal himself. I kept reassuring him that he was the only one I wanted, but he was understandably weary. So all I could do was give him the space he needed. And the time he needed to trust me again. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

 

Luckily, we made it past that. Slowly we began to see each other again. And then it was like we were never apart. The love that was once there returned for both of us, and we married 5 months later.

 

So don't lose hope. It can work out if the love is still there.

 

I can also understand where your fiancee is coming from. She's young. She hasn't experienced life yet, and she may be curious about it all. Just try to reassure her that you will be there for her through it all. That she doesn't have to get rid of you just to experience the things she wants to experience. Unless that includes experiencing other men...