Ashbash11 Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 I've posted on this forum many times, and each time, it's saved me.. You guys are great!! With that aside.. I am in one of my "what I am doing?" states of mind tonight. Brief background: My BF and I have been doing long distance for 8 months. He's in California, I'm in Boston (3,000 miles). We try to visit each other every 2 months or so. Things are going along quite well. It's very hard, but we're making it through. He moved for work, and I was left in Boston to finish school (I am in a 3 year graduate program) Anyway... I keep thinking about the future. I have one more year of school left (next year) After that, do I move there??? Honestly, I am terrified to move to California. I've lived on the East Coast my whole life. I don't have any friends or family out there. It's really scary for me to think about. I start to ask myself, what am I doing?? Is all of this heartache and loneliness and nights alone, missing him worth it? Am I going to end up moving there? What if I decide not to? I guess that means the end of our relationship. I realized that I am under a HUGE amount of pressure. I am the one who's expected to move, because he's already settled in his career in CA. I am the one in school, so my life is more transient. I don't want to end up one of those stories: "she moved there for a guy, and it didn't work out, so now she's alone in a strange place." I think this is the hardest aspect of our LDR for me: not knowing what's going to happen in the future, and having to be the one to move there, or not... Anyone else in this position? I just don't know how to comfort myself over this. It's something that's always in the back of my mind. There's so much uncertainty. We love each other, but is it worth it to uproot my entire life to be with him? I hope so. How can I know? I guess I can't. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 AshBash, I can understand why you're so concerned. J/W did you already know 7 months ago that you would have to move to be with him if ultimately that's what you wanted to do? I can understand why you would feel so vulnerable, do you believe you two have the same expectations of the relationship? I.E Do you both want marriage, or do you both just want to live together no marriage, etc etc. I think it could help bring some clarity to your decision if you knew wether the two of you were on the same page. For example, if you want to get married someday and have children, meanwhile he's stating he doesn't think he wants to get married, then the decision would hurt but ultimately it wouldn't be wise to move down there because the relationship is going to have an expiration date if you two don't want similiar things out of life. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Hi Ashbash11. You are having "change" issues. And it is completely understandable. In a short time the world you know now will be different. And as creatures of habit to have everything we know and are comfortable with change all at once is a scary thing. One year from now you will be out of school. That is a big change since more than likely school has been a constant in your life for a very long time. You will be a job seeker and that brings excitement along with the anxiety of change. If you add to that leaving your friends and family 3,000 miles away then it may seem a bit overwhelming. He is the only one who can provide you with the tools you need to be able to take on the challenge. You have to be able to rely on him and trust in him completely. It literally feels like you are putting your life in his hands I am sure. And that is a scary thing to do no matter who the person is. We are always making choices that have risk involved. I have found that the best choices in my life have been made when I am not operating from a place of fear. You should talk to him about how you feel. He has always seemed to be thoughtful and understanding. Especially when it comes to circumstances. I am sure he will see the challenges you face by uprooting yourself. And then the two of you can work through the questions you are having. At one point in my life I moved 2600 miles away from everyone (save one) and everything I knew. The situation didn't work out - I was working for a girl that at the time I thought was my best friend (14 years worth) - and you know what they say, don't mix business with pleasure. It didn't work out and I moved back. I don't regret the decision. I embraced the life experience and learned so much about myself in the whole process. What you have with this man seems quite magical. That is only based on what you have expressed of course. It is only my opinion. But while you are weighing all of these thoughts also remember that there is a risk in letting go of the relationship and not exploring it further. So there are risks on both sides. There always will be in these kinds of decisions. There are never any guarantees either in anything either. Especially love. But it IS what makes life worth living isn't it? And a lot of people spend the majority of their time searching for it and few have a full realization of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ashbash11 Posted June 8, 2009 Author Share Posted June 8, 2009 Yes IslandGirl, you are totally right. We do have something very special-even magical. I am definitely willing to move any distance for this man... It's just a big transition, as I've mentioned. I think I do need to talk to him about my worries. I actually already have, and he's very reassuring. I am also going to go live out there this summer, and we are going to do a "trial run" to see if living out there is really something that I want to do. This is a good idea, right? I hope this might lessen the "risks" that are involved in moving that far away. I guess the thing that comforts me is to think that no choice is permanent. I can always move back to the east coast if things don't work out. There's always a slight chance that they won't. Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted June 8, 2009 Share Posted June 8, 2009 I am in the UK and my bf is in the US, so for us to be together I would have to move halfway round the world. But it doesn't worry me, if anything I see it as an adventure! As well as being the love of my life, this man is presenting me with an opportunity to experience living in another country... and there's also an opportunity for him to experience living in Europe at some point too. I imagine moving to California would be a great adventure, and it will be so easy for you because you have someone there waiting for you. Plus you don't both have to stay there forever, you could eventually move somewhere else together if you wanted to. And as you said, nothing is permanent, you could always come back if things don't work out. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 I am definitely willing to move any distance for this man... It's just a big transition, as I've mentioned. I think I do need to talk to him about my worries. I actually already have, and he's very reassuring. I am also going to go live out there this summer, and we are going to do a "trial run" to see if living out there is really something that I want to do. This is a good idea, right? I wouldn't think of it as a "trial run". To me that just seems to add pressure and keep that in the back of my head. You should just think of it as a vacation where you get to get a jump on figuring the city out before you move there. You can figure out which neighborhood coffee place you like best, or where your favorite spot is to get out and enjoy when you want to read a book in the park. It is exciting to make those kinds of discoveries. And when you come back - you'll have places and things that are familiar to you. That should help with the eventual move as well as the fact that you will finally be able to jump 100% into your man's arms without a thought of having to leave!! Link to post Share on other sites
Mountainlove Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 I know exactly the way you feel. I am in the same situaton. I am planning to move to my boyfriend who lives in Canada (I am in the UK) I planned to move over for 6 months first because I can't do it longer because of visums etc. It actually scares me a lot when I think about it because it is only because him I will leave everything behind. Thinking about what will happen afterwards scares me even more because I don't know what will happen when all works out and who will be moving where at that time.... I have done a similar move in the past which is now 13 years ago. At that time I moved in with a boyfriend but the reason was more the country why I wanted to move (not really the boyfriend) At that time it was easier because I always knew I could go back anytime. It did not work out with the boyfriend (which was expected) but I was in a country I loved and the experience was very good. I had very hard times at the start but I learned a lot!!! I also made some fantastic friends and found a good job and I stayed. So be prepared that it will get really tough but the experience will be something no one can take away from you and when it works out with your boyfriend than it wa all worth it and remember you don't have to stay there for ever-you can always move back or move somewhere else. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedcookie Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 i'm also in a similar situation, i'm canadian but he's from china... and i don't know if i can find a job there, be it, that i can teach english there, but i graduated from business, and i want to do something that's related to that... also, last time i went to visit his family with him, it didn't end up that well, so i'm seriously having doubts, especially when i want to go teach in japan for a year, but he refuses to accompany me (b/c he can't find a job there, no money to live there, etc), but he expects me to move to taiwan with him... sigh Link to post Share on other sites
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