It's hard...need some support

[lesoiseaux]

My boyfriend and I are currently apart for summer vacation, and while that is nothing compared to what so many of you are going through, I feel like I need some support/insight from people who experience similar things (i.e. all of you!)

 

So every night since being apart we have talked on Skype. I will admit that it has only been a few days, but it's still hard and I won't see him for a few months. Last night he went to a friend's and so couldn't Skype with me until late (he let me know with a phone call beforehand).

 

During that Skype conversation, however, he was tired and his stomach was hurting a bit. What I took from his behavior was that he was disinterested and unexcited to see me, and I started feeling insecure, as if he didn't love me or miss me as much as I do him. He is a fairly unexpressive person, and although he usually doesn't talk too much this time somehow seemed different. I started working myself up, feeling insecure, and crying, but I KNOW it was just the late hour and the stomach discomfort. It's just hard being so excited to talk to someone and not seeing that same level excitement on the other side.

 

So, he called me again just now to say that he'll be going to another friend's tonight and can't Skype with me until late tonight, again. I know this isn't and really shouldn't be a problem, but it really bums me out I am a little bit afraid that things will be like last night (although he said that last night it was just his stomach that was really making him act weird)...and it just makes me sad to know that I won't talk to him until later.

 

I just miss him and these delayed calls, though not AT ALL his fault, just make me sad. I just feel so lonely without him, especially when I'm waiting for him to call. And I hate that I know that our conversation will have to be shorter since it'll be later. I just feel . Has anyone else experience this feeling? I'm sure...

[Island Girl]

Of course I have had moments of feeling so sad because my DH and I haven't been able to talk.

 

I have been through times where the phone lines were screwed up and one of us can't hear the other through the entire frustrating phone call. One person saying "Hello? Hello? I can't hear you honey. Hello?" Then a brief moment where that person says, "Okay. I hear you now." And then the other having the hearing problem. It was just terrible.

 

And we have had times like now where we can't talk very often because of expense, time differences, or circumstances - what have you.

 

I can relate to the pain you feel. It is really hard.

 

I hope you are not stopping your other things in your life though. I hope you do not get in a pattern of always waiting around for the contact.

 

You say he is fairly "unexpressive". This will make things harder for you and maybe you can talk to him about making some accommodation about this because of the distance.

Insecurities are normal - although sometimes different for the people in the LDR. Now is the time where he needs to understand that what may be fine for him may not be for you as far as the amount and scope of your conversations.

 

The danger you face in this LDR is that you will feel constantly neglected and like he could give a crap while he hangs out with his friends and puts you on the back burner so to speak.

 

I do not mean this is how he thinks about it or how he will think about it.

 

But perception is one of the most important things in an LDR. It is the jumping off point for our emotions. And when there is less validation of caring then insecurities flare - communication can be strained - problems develop from there - misunderstandings can pop up in a second - which then exacerbates all of the above even further.

One or both of the parties withdraw and that is the beginning of the end.

 

Talking about all of this and making sure the other person knows they are a priority is instrumental and absolutely necessary to avoid all of these things.

 

The smallest gestures can be reassuring. It just takes effort on both sides. Both people need to work on being "present" for the other.

 

I am sure if you talk to him when you have the chance to have a more lengthy conversation he'll understand that you need to hear from him that he cares no matter what. That the distance doesn't give you the luxury of just knowing he is there. It is his effort, words, and tone of voice that you have cling to and rely on right now.

If he is giving of these things and steps just a bit out of his normal comfort zone it will help you tremendously.

And you can remind him that you do not expect leaps and bounds of difference because you know how he is normally. So you put in the same amount of effort to keep your insecurities in check as well.

 

If you communicate about these things and the others that will come up along the way this summer then I am sure you will be just fine.

[Rollercoasterr]

Just cut him a tiny break for last night. One of the first times that Mathew visited me everything he ate made his stomach just awful. He was trying not to let me know that he was hurting, but I could tell. He didn't talk very much, and looked very unexpressive.

 

So I kind of know what you're talking about. But just don't worry about it for right now. If he starts acting that way again tonight then I would have a talk with him.

[booj]

yes, I can fully relate to what you're talking about.. it really hurts, and although I know that it's not his fault that he's unavailable, I can't help feeling all lonely and abandoned. And I find myself waiting around for him to come online, getting more and more anxious, to the point that when he comes, I don't sound so cheerful anymore.

I always feel really down when he sounds unenthusiastic about talking to me, even though I know that there's probably a reason, and that he still loves me the same (?)..

so, you're not alone! i'm sure many of us are in the same situation. I'm still pretty new at this whole LDR thing too

hang in there > < !!

 

"The danger you face in this LDR is that you will feel constantly neglected and like he could give a crap while he hangs out with his friends and puts you on the back burner so to speak."

 

That statement is soooo true! You seem to understand LDRs so well...