Wife's lack of moral compass!

[CheatedOnHusband]

Hi guys, i have read loads of posts and advice from posters, many similar to mine and i draw from the experiences of others. My story is going to be long, so please bear.

 

Went through wife's email in early November last year and found out she was having an emotional affairs with her 'best friend'. Was very distraught. She begged that she would give 100% for the marriage to work. I agreed as I saw also that she wrote to friend amongst the meail that she wants to work on her marriage.

 

Towards late November she joined Second Life (SL), slowly got hooked in it. Initially she wasa lapdancer. I complained and complained. Started doing loads of research on Secondlife and addictive computer games. I told her that she needed to choose between her marriage and SL. She stops for some hours, but go straght right back. She neglected the home, herself - by not eating properly, cooking, shopping' cleaning the house, taking her bath every other day', not wanting to have sex escept i initiated it, et al. I was doing most of the things on return from work.

 

I was giving my all to the marriage to make it work, but she was consumed in SL. As said I gave her ultimatium as she was on average coming to bed at 4am or at times 6am when I was ready to get set for work. I was the main provide (95%). My only issue with her was the SL and of course the problems that resulted.

 

Friend called after the ultimatium whilst i was out. She complained to him that things weren't ok. Friend called me, and I told him I gave her ultimatium. First I knew there was crisis within her after agreeing to give 100% in November. I confronted her with new information about the crisis, and like she told my friend there was no passion in our marriage. I queried her about all the things I was doing, and she said that after speaking to my friend's wife she now understand that I deeply love her. She apologised. She appeared to be a 'changed' woman and I thought at last things were looking up. However, she went back straight into her SL.

 

Days later she I noticed she was acting suspicious. Kept looking over her shoulders whilst I was watching telly. Very distracted - not finishing conversation. I stylishly looked over her shoulder and notice her character with a guy, she change scene immediately. Two days later I knew something was up and I got up, noticing her with a male character. She changed scene again, but this time not too fast as she knew I was watching her. I confronted her. She pretended to be chatting with a female character. Next thing an IM popped up - the guy. Named Danny. All about Hunny and where are u. She said he was a friend. Quickly shut the computer when I insisted I needed to see the history. Good so angry and left her there, telling her that she need to leave and the disrespect. Next day, I uninstalled the SL software before heading for work. Long story short, she installed it and uninstall before i return - saw the logs of transaction for the day! On my return from work she confessed that the guy is married and lives in Japan. That she was angry when the guy told her he was married, blah blah blah.

 

She moved out the following day, took with her the computer. Went to rent a room!

 

I was distraught - very. Went to counselling and still going. She refused point blank to do MC. Now she is totally and deeply involve in SL. She said she wants a divorce and went straight to see a lawyer 2 days after she left. She left in January.

 

Friends that knew her were shocked as she sound and acted like a different person. From very morally upright to ... I did the NC thing with few breaks her and there. The more I talked about her emotional affairs the more she gets harder. The more people talk o her the more she talks tough. Blamed me for everything wrong in the marriage. She kept saying she hasn't had the time to file for the divorce.

 

On checking her email accounts, she is deeply in EA, all sorts of sexual talks with the Danny guy that is married and lives in Japan.

 

It gets better. She got married in SL, made vows etc. He left unfiltered note for her as to what he will do to her sexwise.

 

Of recent she keeps coming to instant messenger wanting to chat about all sorts. Yesterday was the telling part for me. See follow up post.

 

She is also pregnant in SL. We do nothave any children.

 

What do ou guys think?

[CheatedOnHusband]

Follow up: Extract from converstaion we had through IM yesterday:

 

My X: hi MY NAME

MY NAME My: hw are things?

My X: ok

My X: just tired

My X: u?

MY NAME: not bad. looking for a doc re: appt

My X: ok

MY NAME: no work today?

My X: was checking to see if my mum is on

My X: just caMy Name back?

My X: from a long day

MY NAME: ok, hw was work?

My X: busy, tiring

My X: same stuff

My X: a pt was really sorry

MY NAME: and ur mum?

My X: she is ok

My X: we keep missing each other here

My X: but we get offline messages

MY NAME: ok

My X: MY NAME, where did u get the mobile?

My X: which shop?

MY NAME: y?

My X: the battery

My X: is lithium

My X: because it was not fully charged

My X: also, my flatmate her bday is coming soon

My X: and she wants My Name to bake her a cake

My X: so i need to pick up the stuff

My X: she doesn't have it

My X: i can use the opportunity to get the soup machine

.....

MY NAME: what tiMy Name?

My X : i finish at 21.30

MY NAME: cll My Name first, cos of my gym session

My X: if the batery is on

My X: so did u tell at work about separation?

MY NAME: yea

MY NAME: they kind of figure out

My X: i imagined

MY NAME: so i told a 'confidant'

MY NAME: they see u in town anyway

My X: do they?

My X: i don't remember any of them

MY NAME: so they add one and one

My X: anyway, it is for the best

MY NAME : guess so

My X: we learnt a lot from our life together but i hope u find someone that can genuinely be happy with what u have to offer

My X: no pain

MY NAME: i will focus on myself first

My X: or distrust

MY NAME: not in a rush

My X: well, same here

My X: i have to work on myself

MY NAME: i thot u have found soMy Namebody

My X: no MY NAME

My X: i am not ready for a relationship anytiMy Name soon

My X: just want to focus on work and My Name

MY NAME: and what abt ur relationship in sl?

My X: MY NAME, i am not in a relationship, nor am i thinking of starting one

MY NAME: k

MY NAME: so no relationship in sl?

MY NAME: u done with Danny?

My X: MY NAME, SL is not nor ever was real to My Name

My X: and i am not in a relationship

MY NAME: but is emotionally involved

My X: that implies knowing soMy Nameone, trusting someone and being with soMy Nameone

My X: the nature of SL doesn't permit any of those

MY NAME: X, the truth hurts, i emailed u last tiMy Name, but it did not acknowledge it

MY NAME: i told u that i forgave u, but i know with where u are now u r in denial

MY NAME: but at the end it is up to u

My: MY NAME, i will not get into a debate of what u think was the reason for the end of the marriage Vs what i think, because they are very different

MY NAME: it takes two to work in any marriage

My X: MY NAME, seriously - i will not get into this debate

MY NAME: never wanted to get into any debate

MY NAME: but it is what it is

My X: i know fulll well what it takes and the work it requires, i did it for long enough

MY NAME: y make another vow

My X: another vow???

MY NAME: i did ask u as someone that has known u intimately, not as ur husband or brother, but soMy Nameone who cared that u should reflect, seek help

MY NAME: i told u abt running to the hills

MY NAME: when the truth is said

My X: MY NAME, i am ok and u should not worry about My Name

My X: i am getting on with my life

MY NAME: i know

My X: i am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, so do not worry

MY NAME: so, my question to u is that , is Danny leaving his wife?

My: MY NAME, Danny's life is none of my concern

MY NAME: but u are very involve with him

My X: MY NAME, i think it is late

My X: because we are going round in circles

MY NAME: X, there is no point running

MY NAME: it is what it is

MY NAME: it is not normal

My X: i said - i am not in a relationship, because my definition of relationship involves knowing soMy Nameone, trusting them and being with them

MY NAME: when i said seek help

MY NAME: and making vows?

MY NAME: I sent an email, bt no one in ur cirlce ever knows what u are going thru if u tell tell what u want them to hear

MY NAME: no because of our marriage, but knowing that a friend needed help

My X: MY NAME, ur concern is admirable, but there coMy Names a point when u need to just let go

My X: i am not a child,

MY NAME: i have let go

My X: and i know how to take care of myself

My X: i am getting on with my life

MY NAME: but u should have ended one b4 u go for another

My X: again, i will not debate with u the reasons for the end, nor when the ralationship actually ended

MY NAME: i am not saying abt when the relationship ended, but u don't make another vows as if they are My Nameaningless

My X: MY NAME

My X: i will continue watching my soap opera

My X: because this conversation is getting no where

MY NAME: X, stop running when u know the truth

My X: MY NAME, i am not running form anything

My X: because i owe no satisfaction on the matter

My X: but i did say - which i did not have to

My X: i am not in a relationship, nor am i ready for one anytime My Name soon

My X: u take it as u want

My X: For My Name SL is not nor ever was real

MY NAME: hence i asked u when Danny is leaving his wife and family

MY NAME: SL is not real, but loads of emotional involvement

MY NAME: sex, vows ...

MY NAME: kids

MY NAME: marriage

MY NAME: et al

MY NAME: at the end of the day it is ur choice

My X: none of that is real MY NAME

My X: but i am not going to debate that

MY NAME: X, it is not real, but it is not normal

MY NAME: there is nothing of fantasy abt that

My X: well, each person has their views about SL

My X: and views are subjective

MY NAME: as subjective as it is, u are an intelligent woman

MY NAME: it is odd

My X: MY NAME, it is a game My Name

MY NAME: oh yea it is a game

MY NAME: are u changing ur name?

My X : ?

My X : back to ‘Her Surname’?

MY NAME: no to ur new found Name

My X: ?

MY NAME: X, if u need any assistance whatsoever, when u come to terms with the destruction of SL, u, the person i knew b4,

MY NAME: will be helped,

My X: MY NAME

MY NAME: but if u want to continue in the destructive stuff, well ...

MY NAME: that is up to u

My X: i am ok, emotionally stable as much as anyone that is going through a divorce can be

MY NAME: and bigamy

My X: i am in control of my life

MY NAME: have u heard of that word?

MY NAME: let’s forget

My X: bigamy is being married to 2 people

MY NAME: and

My X: i failed to see a connection

MY NAME: when u see it, seek God's help

My X: MY NAME

MY NAME: i can only do what is humanly possible

My X: each person's relationship with God is a private one

My X: i am cultivating mine

My X: u cultivate urs

MY NAME: always will

My X: good

MY NAME: u don't need to get arsey

My X: i'm not

My X: but i must confess that this overzealous concern about my well being is a bit tiring

MY NAME: it is not overzealous as u think

My X: the future will show MY NAME

MY NAME: don't destroy someone else’s to be happy

My X: MY NAME AHEHA

MY NAME: ahena???

My X: this is my way of saying enough for tonight

My X: "ja chega"

My X: there is such thing as intruding

My X: i think we discussed this issue long enough

My X: u r not listening to what i have to say

My X: and u r overly concerned

My X: but please redirect the focus elsewhere

MY NAME: being sarcastic doesn't pay

My X: because i am well capable of minding my life and my future

My X: i am not being sarcastic

My X: but i do think u r overly concerned, because i am telling u u shouldn't

My X: it is 23.42

My X: i worked a 14 hr shift

My X: and we are discussing issues where we have different opinions

My X: that is getting us no where

My X: i have ameeting with a project manager tomorrow

My X: and i need to review some info relayed today

My X: and prepare some work

MY NAME: ok

MY NAME: Please note, there is nothing overzealous.

My X: another difference of opinion

My X: debating that will also get us no where

MY NAME My SurnaMy Name : ok Mrs My Surname, or Mrs SL married name

My X : MY NAME, my name is My X My Name

My X: good night

(03/06/2009 23:42:55)

[CheatedOnHusband]

Now, her side of her argument was that I cheated on her 8 years ago before we got engaged , months after we started dating. She hasn't forgiven me. No passion and not enough kisses. I am a good guy who took care of her financially, her education and everything except emotionally.

 

And further update - I logged onto her SL account - she sent a note to her 'friend' calling me X, and edited our chat yesterday. She also sent it to her SL husband!!!!

 

She is coming here tonight after work, whch she only got when she left home- she did not work for 5 years - studying must of the time.

 

I got frustrated yesterday and made her to know that I knew more than she thought. First time she knew that I got all these information. The Danny guy changed his character to a different name, then name she got married to, and isnt using the one I caught them with. No doubt they will change to diffent characters!! We got to have a laugh!

 

On a serious note, I know I am venting, but I have invested much in this relationship which is being thrown away for her silly game/EA.

[Nomad1]

Sorry to hear that you are going through this. You know what you must do. Stop the endless, fruitless discussions. You are lucky that you do not have children. Cut her loose. File for divorce. This woman is trapped in her second life and is unable / unwilling to live in the real world. You on the other hand have to deal with real issues in the real world.

 

Good luck

 

Nomad1

[CheatedOnHusband]

Hi Normad1, I am off work today, so got time to hear from load so posters before she come today. The end IM chat which I did not include - fruitless discussion, she was insisting on coming today to pick up cake machine to bake cake for her flatmate's birthday. However, on speaking to a friend that knows her flatmate, her birthday is on 24 July! What kind of game is this? IS she trying to check on me?

 

Just can't believe her deep involvement in SL, transfering loads of real money to pay rent for a SL apartment, buy cars and motorbike, buying all sorts. The time she spend there after she left is difficult to fathom - sometimes from 8am to 3am the next day if not working. But well, it is what it is now.

 

Can't file for divorce cos she has the marriage certificate. First thing she took when she left, as she noticed from internet history that I was looking for inforamtion on divorce. She asked me on my return from work the day before she moved out. In my country you need marriage certificate - we got married in a different country. Took advice from lawyers, and they say it is a must.

 

Further, I met a lady last week, nice to chat with, she wants to come to my place tonight. I already told her I am separated and going through possible divorce. Would it be right to invite her to my place tonight with my stbxw is coming? What do you think the reaction would be? Would she see it as a reaction as she has already told me she is coming? Like to hear from posters.

[Nomad1]

Hi - adding another variable to a tense situation is unlikely to be a wise move. You don't need any more drama! Stop trying to fathom her motives. A fruitless exercise. I would pack all her belongings and ask her to collect them this evening. You can ask for a duplicate marriage certificate. This woman is clearly delusional. Cut your losses. Let her go man.

[hopesndreams]

Do not have another woman over when you wife stops by unless it is your plan to be done with your wife.

 

You need to get her out of her fantasy world by giving her some harsh reality. Tell her it's over and go strict NC. It won't take long for her to reach out to you but you do nothing until she says she wants to come back to you. Forget filing for divorce right now, give her some time to wake up and when you feel enough time has passed and nothing has changed, then get a duplicate marriage certificate and file.

 

Stay away from her, give her the chance to find out what life would be like without you, get her to miss you by doing this.

[mark982]

first thing forget the other woman,and try to fix your present problem. quit putting money where she can get to it.credit cards? cancel them,also report to credit bureaus that no new accts. opened in your name.as you say she hardly works,so you gotta cut her off. i've never heard of this second life,so not sure how it operates.but it sounds f'ed up.

[CheatedOnHusband]

Guys, me neither. Never heard of it until wife got involved. Did loads of research and it wasn't good. I have been so restrained, but she gets upset with me and telling people that I am a good husband, provided everything for her, the only thing missing was passion! What the f@@k is that? Thought I was doing my best. I must admit, I have never been a good listener, but after the initial email I saw I changed and became the must attentive person on earth. She commended me, right through to the week she left - that I love u and all sorts.

[Taramere]

first thing forget the other woman,and try to fix your present problem. quit putting money where she can get to it.credit cards? cancel them,also report to credit bureaus that no new accts. opened in your name.as you say she hardly works,so you gotta cut her off. i've never heard of this second life,so not sure how it operates.but it sounds f'ed up.

 

I've heard snippets about it, but it sounds like the kind of thing that would be impossible to understand unless you were

 

a) heavily involved in it, and

b) completely rational in your motivation for being involved.

 

A check of its site and the FAQs reveals that "Linden Dollars" are the currency....and that people can transfer real cash into their Second Life accounts in order for them to be transferred into Linden Dollars. Now I can only think of two reasons why anyone would want to do this - and they're linked to a and b above.

 

1) They've got involved beyond the point where they're thinking rationally, and to the point where they're sacrificing their real life finances for the sake of this addiction, or

 

2) There are ways of making money in Second Life, and transferring these Linden Dollars back into real cash.

 

Googling "economy of second life", here's what wiki says:

 

The virtual world Second Life has its own economy and a currency referred to as Linden Dollars (L$). This economy is independent of the Pricing, where users pay Linden Lab. In the SL economy, residents buy from and sell to one another directly, using the Linden, which is exchangeable for US dollars or other currencies on market-based currency exchanges. Linden Lab reports that the Second Life economy generated US$3,596,674 in economic activity during the month of September 2005,[1] and as of September 2006 Second Life was reported to have a GDP of $64 Million.[2] A Virtual Economy Analyst at the Metastat statistics bureau in Second Life estimated Second Life's 2007 GDP will be between $ 500 million and $ 600 million, about nine times that of 2006.

 

All I can conclude is that the world of Second Life is peopled with a combination of (apologies for the endless lists)

 

1. hobbyists who find it fun but who are quite likely to turn into

2. addicts for whom Second Life has become First Life

3. Business-minded individuals who express their enjoyment of Second Life in sensible, rational and convincing terminology - thereby enabling those in groups 1 and 2 to believe they're involved in something positive. And enabling themselves, perhaps, to financially exploit the fascinated/addicted behaviour of groups 1 and 2.

 

Assuming there's any accuracy in how I'm perceiving it, I'd imagine, COH, that your wife falls into category 2. Who knows who the husband in Japan is. Could be some conman whose exploiting her weaknesses to get cash out of her. It strikes me that there's plenty of scope for that kind of thing to happen. She probably won't start thinking seriously about tackling this addiction until she's the single, cyber-lapdancing, cyber-mother of a non existent child that needs more and more Linden dollars to feed and entertain it.

 

Not to mention the superbly equipped, up-to-date facilities of the Second Life Rest and Rehab facility that doubtless accepts payment in Linden Dollars and any other currency.

[LakesideDream]

Amazing, I started a thread in the Water Cooler section about a World of Warcraft addict who was ruining his and his familys life that I saw on Television. This seems even worse.

 

Aside from the "virtual" aspects the rest of the symptoms seem common enough. I have known many women who kept "Books of Wrongs" in their heads or otherwise. My EX was an extreme example. She could recite every wrong, or even slight that occured in our 25 year marriage chapter and verse.

 

Even after her long term affair was exposed and the divorce was final she used chapters from that book that happened 20+ years previously to justify her behavior. 2 years before the discovery of the affair and divorce I brought this book up to MC's, who didn't seem suprised, and who had experianced the behavior before.

 

In my opinion there is no way to overcome someones bad feeling when they are able to hold onto and relive their previous bad experiance over decades or even years. It's hopeless.

 

Find a way to get that divorce. Order a legal copy of the marriage certificate and get started Charlie.. the party's over.

[Owl]

I agree with LSD...get a copy of your marriage certificate.

 

Contact your wife...tell her point blank that you are filing, and you need your certificate to do so.

 

Don't negotiate...simply tell her what is going to happen, and what she needs to do on her side to make it happen.

[CheatedOnHusband]

Thank guys. She came yesterday to pick her stuff. She kept looking at me and tried to make eye contact on several occasions, which I avoided. Now going NC.

[Shock Me Sane]

Woah.

 

You should not be getting involved with anyone else until you are divorced.

 

Does she want the divorce? Didn't she say she wanted one to begin with? But then she took the marriage license so that you couldn't get one?

 

I play Second Life, and I'm a stripper in SL. Haha. And for the record, I am not delusional. Although, I don't play often and have spent very little money on it... maybe $25 over the past year, which is nothing compared to a lot of the people on there.

 

Obviously, her spending massive amounts of time on SL was a problem. I posted in another thread about how I had a similar problem with my ex and World of Warcraft. He didn't give it up until I left him. Was/is she also spending a lot of money on SL?

 

Do she and the SL guy have a relationship outside of SL? Do they talk via voice chat, exchange pictures, etc? Or is it more of a roleplaying situation? I kind of saw in the chat transcript (I just scanned through it) that she was insisting that none of it is real.

 

SL, for me and for a lot of people, is really just an escape and a way of experiencing things you can't or don't want to in real life. That's why the majority of it is based around sex, fetishism, alternate lifestyles, and the like. (i.e., I would never be a stripper in real life.)

 

I think the reason the majority of people become so attached to their Second Life persona is because they are unhappy or dissatisfied with their "first life." I know it's a strange situation, but if her "relationship" with this SL guy is fictional and a product of roleplaying, I don't think it's the same as cheating with a real person. I certainly would never feel that anything I do in SL has any impact on my real life relationships. I think maybe she was just really emotionally f--ked up, unhappy in marriage for whatever reason, and decided to find solace in having an imaginary perfect life.

[CheatedOnHusband]

Hi SMS, I have seen a pic of the guy in her SL account which she thinks I am oblivious of. Her photos are also loaded in a folder in her a/c. Further, there is an unfiltered note left by the guy for her about how he is going to f@@k her - very explicit. He changed his avatar (I have now become an expert in gathering info in SL!!!) to another, not sure if it is to throw me off their track or his wife - will never know.

 

Truthfully, my only complaint before I caught her with the SL affair was her time spent in SL. She was all lovey dovey, and 2 days after she was caught she left with the computer!

 

So I don't see how her EA in SL is not damaging. The chat above with her, she edited ahd sent to her SL husband calling me her X. I don't get it.

[Owl]

I know it's a strange situation, but if her "relationship" with this SL guy is fictional and a product of roleplaying, I don't think it's the same as cheating with a real person. I certainly would never feel that anything I do in SL has any impact on my real life relationships. I think maybe she was just really emotionally f--ked up, unhappy in marriage for whatever reason, and decided to find solace in having an imaginary perfect life.

 

Here's the flaw in your reasoning.

 

While she undoubtedly recognizes that SL is "imaginary"...as do we all...her RELATIONSHIP with this man that she met in game is REAL.

 

Not her avatar's relationship with his avatar...but HER INTERACTION WITH HIM.

 

Trust me on this...I too dealt with a similar situation, in which my wife met and very nearly left me for a man she met via Everquest.

 

Her EA was every bit as devestating as any other EA...it just happened that they met playing an MMORPG.

 

The medium of how the meet is irrelevent. And...their interactions weren't entirely left to inside the game either. It rolls over into "real life" communications as well...email/IM/text/phone calls/meeting in person.

 

Her interactions with this guy is just as devestating as any other EA...SL just happens to be one of their primary communication means is all.

[Shock Me Sane]

It rolls over into "real life" communications as well...email/IM/text/phone calls/meeting in person.

 

Right, that's why I asked if they were exchanging pictures, voice chatting, divulging personal information, etc... because I agree that that's not acceptable. If it was a completely anonymous situation, I wouldn't see the harm in it. I never reveal any personal information on MMORPGs, except for maybe my location.

 

Also... does EA stand for extramarital affair?

[Owl]

EA= emotional affair

 

An emotional affair typically means a "love affair"...but an important distinction to note is that not all EA's are PA's (physical affairs).

 

In this case (as in my wife's), there was no opportunity to meet "in person" so it never had the opportunity to become a PA...but was most certainly an emotional affair.

 

What would you consider it if your spouse were "cybering" on SL/EQ/WoW/whatever...even if real names were used? Clearly that's still not healthy activity for a marriage.

 

It doesn't matter if it's "in game" or not...it's still a violation of marital vows.

[CheatedOnHusband]

Owl, thanks for your insight as a man that has been through it. It reaps the heart. She is deep into the affair fog and very defensive when confronted. After the chat 2 days ago, I felt I should let go as she said! Sad but true. All plans together down the drain in split seconds - at least from my side. It really sucks.

[Shock Me Sane]

What would you consider it if your spouse were "cybering" on SL/EQ/WoW/whatever...even if real names were used? Clearly that's still not healthy activity for a marriage.

 

It doesn't matter if it's "in game" or not...it's still a violation of marital vows.

 

Um, cybering with a stranger that you know nothing about (no pictures, no voice chatting, etc.) is not a big deal. It's basically like an interactive erotica story. I mean, sure, it's unhealthy... but if a man jerks off to porn on his computer instead of having sex with his wife, that's also unhealthy. I don't think either is a violation of marital vows. That's kind of extreme.

[Owl]

Um, cybering with a stranger that you know nothing about (no pictures, no voice chatting, etc.) is not a big deal. It's basically like an interactive erotica story. I mean, sure, it's unhealthy... but if a man jerks off to porn on his computer instead of having sex with his wife, that's also unhealthy. I don't think either is a violation of marital vows. That's kind of extreme.

 

I think we'll have to disagree here.

 

I would agree on the "unhealthy" part all the way around in your response, but the distinction here is the active participation in this WITH someone else.

 

Looking at pictures or a movie is one-sided...participating in an exchange WITH someone else is just that...an exchange...a "relationship" of sorts.

 

Both situations are "unhealthy", and a potential violation of vows, depending on how the BOTH (you and your spouse) interpret them. But cybering WITH someone is a much clearer violation of that boundary.

[Owl]

Owl, thanks for your insight as a man that has been through it. It reaps the heart. She is deep into the affair fog and very defensive when confronted. After the chat 2 days ago, I felt I should let go as she said! Sad but true. All plans together down the drain in split seconds - at least from my side. It really sucks.

 

Here's the thing...your wife left the home and is continuing the affair.

 

Until she suffers some true CONSEQUENCE to her actions...she's got no reason to change.

 

I would suggest that you contact a lawyer and discuss options, but part of that discussion should include "cutting her off" financially. Doing so is the first step in letting her suffer those consequences. After that...my personal suggestion with someone who is behaving this way is plan B...

 

Write a letter to her telling her that you love her, but to preserve the love you have with her, you're no longer going to engage in this dance with her. Tell her that she knows the way home...end the affair, end her online gaming, agree to work on the marriage (I'd include requiring marriage counseling), etc... Tell her that until she agrees to this...there will be no more contact between the two of you...no email/IM/phone/face to face/etc...

 

Then block her out of your life.

 

It will suck, but it's also a double pronged attack. It forces her to work through EVERYTHING on her own...she suffers the loss of you and your support...and it helps YOU find the strength to see that you can survive without her.

[Dexter Morgan]

..........

[CheatedOnHusband]

Thanks all for the advice. Owl, I have written to her some days ago - no acknowledgement of my email. Since then I have gone NC and not hoping to break it soon. Keep you guys updated and sure d value your advice.

[Owl]

Talk with a lawyer and see what you can do to protect yourself financially on all of this too.

 

Personally, I'd say that since she left, you're not obligated to pay any of her bills/expenses...but make sure that your lawyer works with you on that.

 

Also...read up on a "plan B letter" over at the marriagebuilders website...but be cautious with the forum there.

 

Your wife needs to clearly have the 'roadmap home' spelled out for her, and that's what the plan B letter does.