Wife's lack of moral compass!

[CheatedOnHusband]

Ok guys, just some update. First and foremost, i would like to thank you all for the support, especially to Owl. The postings have given me so much courage and I am much stronger. The Plan B Owl suggested was always on the table, and I have read the posting on the site suggested - marriagebuilder. So pleae guys keep posting - can do with more words of wisdom.

 

Now. I snooped into her social site yesterday. She change her marital status to 'I will tell you later'. Next, I saw log of chat with a friend. She told the friend when asked that she is filing for the divorce this week, and that she travelled to see her nieces for their birthday - remember she came to collect some items to bake cake for her flat mate whose birthday I later found out is net month! She then told her friend that the 'best friend' was there as well! When the chat friend asked her if they are now back together, she did not respond. Chat friend then wrote that 'You not speaking?' Still no answer, and chat friend logged off.

 

Surprisingly, I wasn't hurt as I would have been - probably expecting it that sooner or later this would happen.

 

Also, the Second Life husband hasn't shown for days now since she sent our IM note (edited) to him. I thought he was probably using another name as he did before, but saw messages (as script) sent to him by stbxw as confession - see message -

 

"BB feels the pregancy has been really hard with Jon being away on business trips a lot. And dancing to distract could have cost babies their health!"

Also another script a day later states that it looks like Jon won't be around when her water breaks - paraphrasing. It appears that SL husband has ran for the hills!

 

As you guys can deduce she is pregnant in SL, but delivered to 2 bouncing babies yesterday . Sorry can't help but be amazed.

 

Though everything has been shocking to me on how the relationship disintegrated within short space of time, a part of me feel sorry for her. I am probably the hatest person in her life now, whilst she plays good in front of me!

 

Thanks for reading my rambling.

[Owl]

OK, so the one thing I didn't see in your post is...what are you doing to get through all of this.

 

I saw a lot about what's going on in her life...but nothing about what's going on in yours.

 

If you're in plan B...then you shouldn't be monitoring her at this point. You should be working to remove her from your day to day life...and learn to enjoy life without her right now.

 

Even reading her SL accounts counts as "contact" in this kind of situation.

 

Have you given her a "plan B letter" per what you've seen/read over on MB? A "roadmap for the way home"?

 

She needs that. She needs a written explanation of what you're doing, and what she can do to come home. Your requirements to consider that need to be clearly spelled out for her...and clearly communicated that anything less is unacceptable.

 

Then...stone cold silence until she takes those steps. Take active measures to work on yourself...build yourself back up from all of this.

 

Hope this makes sense to you, my friend.

[husbndinthemaking]

Hi guys, i have read loads of posts and advice from posters, many similar to mine and i draw from the experiences of others. My story is going to be long, so please bear.

 

Went through wife's email in early November last year and found out she was having an emotional affairs with her 'best friend'. Was very distraught. She begged that she would give 100% for the marriage to work. I agreed as I saw also that she wrote to friend amongst the meail that she wants to work on her marriage.

 

Towards late November she joined Second Life (SL), slowly got hooked in it. Initially she wasa lapdancer. I complained and complained. Started doing loads of research on Secondlife and addictive computer games. I told her that she needed to choose between her marriage and SL. She stops for some hours, but go straght right back. She neglected the home, herself - by not eating properly, cooking, shopping' cleaning the house, taking her bath every other day', not wanting to have sex escept i initiated it, et al. I was doing most of the things on return from work.

 

I was giving my all to the marriage to make it work, but she was consumed in SL. As said I gave her ultimatium as she was on average coming to bed at 4am or at times 6am when I was ready to get set for work. I was the main provide (95%). My only issue with her was the SL and of course the problems that resulted.

 

Friend called after the ultimatium whilst i was out. She complained to him that things weren't ok. Friend called me, and I told him I gave her ultimatium. First I knew there was crisis within her after agreeing to give 100% in November. I confronted her with new information about the crisis, and like she told my friend there was no passion in our marriage. I queried her about all the things I was doing, and she said that after speaking to my friend's wife she now understand that I deeply love her. She apologised. She appeared to be a 'changed' woman and I thought at last things were looking up. However, she went back straight into her SL.

 

Days later she I noticed she was acting suspicious. Kept looking over her shoulders whilst I was watching telly. Very distracted - not finishing conversation. I stylishly looked over her shoulder and notice her character with a guy, she change scene immediately. Two days later I knew something was up and I got up, noticing her with a male character. She changed scene again, but this time not too fast as she knew I was watching her. I confronted her. She pretended to be chatting with a female character. Next thing an IM popped up - the guy. Named Danny. All about Hunny and where are u. She said he was a friend. Quickly shut the computer when I insisted I needed to see the history. Good so angry and left her there, telling her that she need to leave and the disrespect. Next day, I uninstalled the SL software before heading for work. Long story short, she installed it and uninstall before i return - saw the logs of transaction for the day! On my return from work she confessed that the guy is married and lives in Japan. That she was angry when the guy told her he was married, blah blah blah.

 

She moved out the following day, took with her the computer. Went to rent a room!

 

I was distraught - very. Went to counselling and still going. She refused point blank to do MC. Now she is totally and deeply involve in SL. She said she wants a divorce and went straight to see a lawyer 2 days after she left. She left in January.

 

Friends that knew her were shocked as she sound and acted like a different person. From very morally upright to ... I did the NC thing with few breaks her and there. The more I talked about her emotional affairs the more she gets harder. The more people talk o her the more she talks tough. Blamed me for everything wrong in the marriage. She kept saying she hasn't had the time to file for the divorce.

 

On checking her email accounts, she is deeply in EA, all sorts of sexual talks with the Danny guy that is married and lives in Japan.

 

It gets better. She got married in SL, made vows etc. He left unfiltered note for her as to what he will do to her sexwise.

 

Of recent she keeps coming to instant messenger wanting to chat about all sorts. Yesterday was the telling part for me. See follow up post.

 

She is also pregnant in SL. We do nothave any children.

 

What do ou guys think?

 

She is pregnant in SL??? LOL. Is this a joke?

 

Listen.. it is obvious she is not getting what she wants from you so she is using the game as her release.

[CheatedOnHusband]

You are right Owl. I really need to channel my efforts towards myself. I have been reading a lot and attending the gym. On the side, I have been out on a date couple of times, but I had to pull back before it develop to anything, as I felt she is coming to strong. Within me, I felt I was going into it the wrong way, and at this point I won't be able to give her what she wants.

 

Further, I have started counselling and reflecting - trying to get an understanding of how a situation that appeared 'good' turned sour in split. Generally, just working on myself now , whatever the outcome is.

 

Honestly, before posting I read loads from posters here, so I would say I have prepared my mind for the worst given the statistics from others here. Somehow, over the months I can see in me that I am healing, relative to where I was months ago. As sad as it is, but as I write, my resentment towards her has subsided, even close no nil.

 

As per the 'roadmap', she knows my stands on this matter, so at this time I don't want to write anything to her again regarding coming back. However, I will watch and see how things go in the next couple of weeks. Now I am in full NC as far as she knows.

 

Owl, your understanding in this has very constructive and helpful. Thanks much.

 

 

As for husbandinthemaking, I have read some of your postings and the tact you took. But your idea that my wife wasn't getting it from me is IMHO somehow myopic. We have fertility issues, which we were addressing and in the final stages to materialise our dreams. You may be right that she wasn't getting it from me, and I could be the worst husband on earth, but that still doesn't warrant EAs at the expense of the feelings and emotional wellbeing of ones SO.

 

Thanks Owl and others for reading and helping through this difficult time. The responses and experiences of others has really helped me to reflect and focus.

[mandydarling]

SL (second life) is a highly addictive game. You will find some who call it a game, and others who swear that it is not a game. A day in sl is like a week in rl, a week is like a month. Everything happens so fast, it is quite unbelievable. Entire complicated relationships take the course of one week.

 

If she is still involved in sl, and getting deeper, that is why things are moving so fast to fall apart for you. Her timeclock, if you will, is out of whack.

 

She may not have entered SL to find an affair. Who knows why she started. Depending on her personality, and how your relationship was going, suddenly having someone interested in her, even if it was "virtual" would be extrememly hard to resist. We all hope we would resist.

 

Anyway, on to my point, the way that you really end things with people in SL is that you remove them from your friends list and mute them. If they ever try to write to you, you never even see it. You make them completely invisible. It can be absolutely devastating.

 

So, owl's advice of cutting off communications would speak the language she is currently enveloped in -- the sl language of mute. Follow Owl's advice. He is very wise.