boldjack Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 Openbook, I never said that men were any better. In point of fact they are much, much, worse. Beauty pageants,the entertainment/porn industry,and to a certain extent, the fashion industry, are all fueled by the search for the perfect mate. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 Then can you explain why you have a problem with the gold digger's "calculating, deliberate, coldness of it all" (your words) WHEN MEN ARE JUST AS CALCULATING, DELIBERATE AND COLD in picking out their potential mates? Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 Because openbook, I was on the losing end of a choice made by a woman I cared very deeply about. She chose money over love. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 Because openbook, I was on the losing end of a choice made by a woman I cared very deeply about. She chose money over love. I feel for you, BJ. But if love was going to have me living under a bridge, I'd would've chosen money too. Sorry for your loss? Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 No problem, NID. This whole golddigger thing has brought back some of my least favorite memories, that's all. BTW, I wasn't insinuating that you were a golddigger. I do have a problem with that whole " means to an end", thing. I guess that in today's world, marrying for money or the promise of money, is pure Darwinism, at it's least attractive. The "means to an end" deal was for both me and my H. We both knew that. But that doesn't make it feel like any less of a sacrifice. Along the lines of what 2sure and I were actually talking about, the loss of time with your mate is a huge sacrifice and carries many MANY risks! There have been time periods when I only saw him in the early morning, for a few minutes after work, and then again in the middle of the night (like 2am) for whole months because of his performance schedule. Could be playing in a band. Practicing for a theatrical performance and actually giving the theatrical performance when it runs. The sacrifice is that I don't get to see him for long or much during that time. That I have to take care of the home and kids (and ALL that that entails), alone. And on his end, he misses his family. He does enjoy what he is doing, but he misses his family. The "means to an end" is that he gets to build a name for himself. People know to call him when they need his particular talents. And, when and where appropriate, he can plug me and my talents. I don't see anything sinister about that. But I have been called manipulative for having this mindset before. As long as my H doesn't mind, I don't really care what anyone else thinks (as it doesn't really affect them). Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 NID, It was not that we would have lived "under a bridge", It was that she wanted it NOW. We were both poor but our prospects were very good for the future. A very wealthy guy came along and she went with him, even though she said she loved me. She NEEDED money like a junkie needs a fix. It was a long time ago, but it's kind of like my war wound, the sharp pain is gone, but sometimes something will make it ache. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 Then can you explain why you have a problem with the gold digger's "calculating, deliberate, coldness of it all" (your words) WHEN MEN ARE JUST AS CALCULATING, DELIBERATE AND COLD in picking out their potential mates? I think, when both partners are on the same page regarding such parameters, there is compatibility As long as the partners/spouses are happy and fulfilled, no other perspectives apply. Hence, if a beautiful gold-digger marries a wealthy partner who is looking for a hot body, there is compatibility. Note I did not engender the dynamic with gender, as men and women can both be beautiful and can both be wealthy Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 NID, It was not that we would have lived "under a bridge", It was that she wanted it NOW. We were both poor but our prospects were very good for the future. A very wealthy guy came along and she went with him, even though she said she loved me. She NEEDED money like a junkie needs a fix. It was a long time ago, but it's kind of like my war wound, the sharp pain is gone, but sometimes something will make it ache. I understand. I once had a "love" like this too. He chose the woman that outclassed me based on her parents status, not on what she actually brought to the table. I wasn't surprised when divorced her for not being willing to work to help them out. She thought marriage was about looking good for the important *public* things. That, and her parents felt they purchased obedience from both her and him when they kept giving them money. I for one, am glad to have bowed out when he offered me the position of "mistress". LOL. No, he really did do that. There marriage had many other problems that he also brought to it (like being a serial cheat). So, maybe you dodged a bullet. Imagine if she had chosen love with you, but cheated on you with rich guys. I've seen this enough times too (both genders). Relationships are so messy. Sorry for the threadjack, 2. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 2sure, I am very grateful to you for starting this thread . Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 Because openbook, I was on the losing end of a choice made by a woman I cared very deeply about. She chose money over love. Sorry to hear you got burned, man. Welcome to the human race. (Meaning, most of us have gotten burned, one way or another. You're not the only one! :() Ain't love grand. This "Gold Digger" question just puts yet another spin on it. And something about it just doesn't sit right with me. With all the arguments I've participated in on the OM/OW forum, how I've fought the condemnations of those who say being an OP is the lowest form of humanity. (And OK, I've also raged against MM who cheat on their W's.) And then I come over here to the Marriage forum, where it's perfectly acceptable to use your own mate - the one you've vowed to love, honor and cherish for the rest of your life - for money, status, or other not-so-noble reason besides love. So how exactly is cheating worse than that? Seems to me it's worse to use your spouse as an ATM machine... people building their lives together on a house of cards. Is the BS's vitriol against the OP because they're a threat to that not-so-noble reason? Maybe I should start a new thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 I have never openly dated a woman who just wanted me for my money... That's insane, what type of man would that make me? What type of woman chases a man soley for his money it's like legalized prostitution. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 I have never openly dated a woman who just wanted me for my money... That's insane, what type of man would that make me? What type of woman chases a man soley for his money it's like legalized prostitution. From what I read of you on here.. I doubt any women would date you for your money.. you certainly don't sound like a guy who is full of cash.. As far as Gold Diggers.. who care? most professional, successful, ugly guys has a gold digger at his arm.. he's happy.. she's happy.. what's the problem... It's easy for people to 'piss' on women/men who love money.. when they, themselves, would also loooove that .. but they just can't get anyone with cash.. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 Liz, didn't you just have a new addition to the family? Would you want them to believe in greed instead human values? If money means everything where does your family fit in? Does love have any worth? You know yourself best. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 From what I read of you on here.. I doubt any women would date you for your money.. you certainly don't sound like a guy who is full of cash.. As far as Gold Diggers.. who care? most professional, successful, ugly guys has a gold digger at his arm.. he's happy.. she's happy.. what's the problem... It's easy for people to 'piss' on women/men who love money.. when they, themselves, would also loooove that .. but they just can't get anyone with cash.. From what I read about here on you, the guy that would date you would need to sanitize his jimmy with bleach and rub it down with sandpaper. lol. J/k. You know I love you.... I dont have much money but I love real good. The thing about gold diggers is we in a recession, instead of taking she should be giving back. 50/50. Who would pay just to have a woman in my bed so she could drain my bank account dry. And yes women would love money but however the way they earn it is a whole complex concept within itself. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 So how exactly is cheating worse than that? Seems to me it's worse to use your spouse as an ATM machine... people building their lives together on a house of cards. Is the BS's vitriol against the OP because they're a threat to that not-so-noble reason? Maybe I should start a new thread. Welcome to Marriage? Its com.pli.ca.ted. LOL. You should start a new thread. It would be very interesting to see what shows up in it!!! I really like the bolded question. Its definitely worth further exploration. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2sure Posted June 7, 2009 Author Share Posted June 7, 2009 Well, it looks like everyone came to terms here on LS. I dont usually come in on weekends...but Ive pretty much spent it in tears being disgusted with myself, so I thought why not?? No. I came to terms with it last night. I'm glad I posed this thread...because it made me ask myself some hard questions. I think Ive been asking it alot lately, just not in so many words. So, the asking and answers I received here were both upsetting to me. But made me have to think hard. I ended up asking myself ...ok, if I could be perceived as a gold digger, what led to that? Because I certainly didnt start out that way. Like anyone else, Ive walked a path, lived a life, and been affected by everyone I have met. I never treat myself as a victim, or blame anyone in my past for changes made in my life. I never blame the people, but that doesnt change the circimstance. Suffice it to say, that as I looked back...it isnt hard for me to figure out how I got to where I am. I either got lucky and married an ambitious man who is successful and good...or luck had nothing to do with it , and I married a man similar to myself. Or maybe somewhere in my Karma book I did something right. I know Ive done so many things wrong, when something bad happens in my life...I feel a sense of relief as in : another debt paid. I hope someday to be paid in full, because sometimes I just dont feel like I have anything left. When I ask questions like the one in this thread, I am sincere. If I say Ive changed, ok. Who are any of us here - jusdging anyone - to say : No, sorry, you arent sincere, you havent paid enough. So, anyway, I looked hard. It was a good question. I'm glad asked it. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted June 8, 2009 Share Posted June 8, 2009 We are all but anonymous posters here, spouting opinions on subjects we really have no context or knowledge of, only that a pre-conceived opinion on. Sorry if we caused you any pain or hurt..... Hope all is well and you are happy in your own skin and with the decisions you have made. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted June 8, 2009 Share Posted June 8, 2009 A gold digger is a woman that doesn't love a man but seeks to suck him dry of everything he does and then throw him away when she is done. Some famous ones are Heather Mills, Anna Nicole Smith and a few others. These women are very clever, calculating and are damn good actresses. When the time comes for them to cash in their marriages they art e great at acting like the victim and more often than not they get a big payout. A man who knows the deal can spot one before she gets her hooks in him. Even if I were single I could never see myself getting taken advantage of. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted June 8, 2009 Share Posted June 8, 2009 2sure, I also am very glad you asked your question. It forced me to face demons that I thought I had buried , years ago. A great many of the issues I had, as a young man, were direct results of the trauma I suffered at the hands of my "fiance." The pain that I suffered has never left, just faded into the background, to become a "memory", of pain. Your post has forced me to do something about it. I called her ,this morning. We are to meet, Wednesday. God knows what will happen, but I will be free of her memory, at last. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted June 8, 2009 Share Posted June 8, 2009 2sure, I also am very glad you asked your question. It forced me to face demons that I thought I had buried , years ago. A great many of the issues I had, as a young man, were direct results of the trauma I suffered at the hands of my "fiance." The pain that I suffered has never left, just faded into the background, to become a "memory", of pain. Your post has forced me to do something about it. I called her ,this morning. We are to meet, Wednesday. God knows what will happen, but I will be free of her memory, at last. Wow! Good luck. Hope you accomplish what you set out to with the meeting. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted June 8, 2009 Share Posted June 8, 2009 Thanks NID, I sure hope that I'm doing the right thing. This was the worst heartache I've ever had, but it's been so many years. Link to post Share on other sites
530 Guy Posted June 8, 2009 Share Posted June 8, 2009 Thanks NID, I sure hope that I'm doing the right thing. This was the worst heartache I've ever had, but it's been so many years. So what is it you hope to accomplish? Rubbing your success without her in her face? Or seeing that she regrets the path her life has taken since she left you? Or something else? Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted June 8, 2009 Share Posted June 8, 2009 530, I don't rub anything in anyone's face. I don't have the right to judge. I already knew when I left her that she regretted her choice, and her life hasn't been pleasant since. We BOTH need to face each other and express our thoughts and feelings about what was a seminal event in our lives. For "closure", if nothing else. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 8, 2009 Share Posted June 8, 2009 "Closure" What hasnt been said that you cant say in an email? Why must it gotta be an in person goodbye? I would just keep it moving. There's no need to rehash the past. You moved on, so has she, so what's the point of the meeting? Link to post Share on other sites
530 Guy Posted June 8, 2009 Share Posted June 8, 2009 530, I don't rub anything in anyone's face. I don't have the right to judge. I already knew when I left her that she regretted her choice, and her life hasn't been pleasant since. We BOTH need to face each other and express our thoughts and feelings about what was a seminal event in our lives. For "closure", if nothing else. That's cool...I just think you'll end up hurting yourself more than helping yourself. Do whatcha gotta do. Link to post Share on other sites
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