unnecessarily opinionated

[poca]

I'm dating a great guy, but I find that he's unnecessarily opinionated. He likes to challenge me on everything I say and I find it exhausting. I find that I have to choose my words carefully and be prepared to back everything up with supporting arguments and reliable facts. Nothing I say is ever taken at face value. When I asked him why he does this so much, he said that it's because he likes to form his own opinions and that it's not a personal attack on me -- he's showing his interest in the conversation by participating. That sounds reasonable, but it leaves me feeling like I have to be an expert on everything I have an opinion on. How can I help ease the tension this is causing in our relationship?

[Tony T]

I've been around people like that and they are absolutely draining to the mind, body and soul. There is just no way you will ever fall in love with someone who puts you through such a grueling ordeal everytime you communicate with them.

 

This usually stems from a childhood thing, from one or both parents. He probably doesn't realize that most people dislike talking to him for any length of time but it seems it's more important for him to be highly opinionate than to have friends.

 

Tell him to get a job as an editorial writer for a newspaper and make money with his opinions...but they belong mostly on the editorial page of a newspaper and not continuously in a personal relationship.

 

If you try to tell him that if he doesn't stop giving his unsolicited opinions about everything in his life and yours you will move on with your life, you're likely to get a piece of his mind.

 

If he respects your opinion of his opinionated personality, he will cease.

[D.]

I must agree with Tony. These opinionated people are absolutely maddening to be around after a while, even if they are the nicest people. I should know.

 

My first husband was such a man. As good and personalble as person he is, he is one of those "I am right and you are wrong" types. No matter how based on documented fact my opinion was, I was wrong as he always knew the "correct" answer. When we were dating, I really did not notice this about him as I was on "cloud 9" and very shy, coy and alway chose the path of least resistance. It never bothered me to say I was wrong when I knew I was right. It was simply of no significance to me then.

 

After marriage and I became more familiar, closer and forced to communicate more out of necessity, his "opinionation" became an issue. I had a terrific relationship with his mother and talked to her about it. Her words were "Oh my! His father is exactly the same way!"

 

So Tony either made an educated guess or knew for a fact that it does originate from childhood and one or both parents.

 

As timid, quiet and easy going as I was at that time, I finally had my fill one day when he was telling me that I was appying my makeup incorrectly and went so far as to take the applicator from me and try to appy my make up for me. Well that did it! For the very first time, I snapped having held it all inside for so long. I actually told him "I hate you". THAT got his attention and he was shocked! He said, "WHAT?!" I continued, "You don't love me, you never have. You love what you feel you can make me into." I was calm when I said this. He said nothing in return, but from that point on, his "opinionated" character began to improve with continued communication.

 

Now, if you ask me was it worth the trouble. The answer in my case is NO! Had I been paying more attention and speaking up more while dating, I never would have married such a man. Like I say, he is very personable and a good, kind man. But the arumentative nature is simply not worth the angst of being around much less in a relationship or married to.

 

I hope my personal experience has helped you in some way.

 

Best of luck.

[Somewhat Healed]

I am the argumentative type. Right now I have nobody in my life (and I feel ok about it) but I always thought (i'm still young, 17) that it was a turn on for womens because it's a sign of intelligence, no? On the other side, I WILL NEVER EVER TELL A WOMEN HOW TO PUT HER MAKEUP!

 

I have a deep sense of ethics and strong opinions about politics (a rare thing these days) and I think I should follow them (i'm into activist), they're just the mirror of my personnality. I hate politians who lies but I have no more respect for the guy who cheat his girlfriend, understand? I don't argue to argue. So my question is : should I shut up my mouth in front of womens? Isn't the "Braveheart" type attracting (well, it may be because of Mel Gibson's body...) for girls? I often hear things like "you're a really nice and passionate person, but with you it's black or white, no room for grey..." about me.

 

I'm just so naive sometimes... Anyway please tell me if i'm acting the wrong way, i'd rather learn it here than in a breakup.

I'm dating a great guy, but I find that he's unnecessarily opinionated. He likes to challenge me on everything I say and I find it exhausting. I find that I have to choose my words carefully and be prepared to back everything up with supporting arguments and reliable facts. Nothing I say is ever taken at face value. When I asked him why he does this so much, he said that it's because he likes to form his own opinions and that it's not a personal attack on me -- he's showing his interest in the conversation by participating. That sounds reasonable, but it leaves me feeling like I have to be an expert on everything I have an opinion on. How can I help ease the tension this is causing in our relationship?

[poca]

Thanks very much for your responses. I've yet to meet this guy's parents and I'm rather curious to see if either of them are particularly opinionated.

 

Last night he started in on my roommate who didn't appreciated hearing his point of view on an issue she is very passionate about. She immediately clammed up and he ended up looking like an idiot. I was a tad embarrassed, but also hoped that he saw how awkward he makes some people feel. I think maturity is part of the problem. Wisdom teaches us to choose our words and our battles.

 

There's still a lot of good in this, so I'm going to wait it out. He knows how I feel and will hopefully learn when it's appropriate to disagree.

 

Thanks again!

 

Poca

 

I'm dating a great guy, but I find that he's unnecessarily opinionated. He likes to challenge me on everything I say and I find it exhausting. I find that I have to choose my words carefully and be prepared to back everything up with supporting arguments and reliable facts. Nothing I say is ever taken at face value. When I asked him why he does this so much, he said that it's because he likes to form his own opinions and that it's not a personal attack on me -- he's showing his interest in the conversation by participating. That sounds reasonable, but it leaves me feeling like I have to be an expert on everything I have an opinion on. How can I help ease the tension this is causing in our relationship?