So sad about my future LDR

[Lovelymisa]

I fell crazy in love with a guy. I left my country and went over to his intending to just visit for 3 months or so. We ended up dating for a year and 5 months before I found out that he is not intending to marry me anytime soon and I need to go home or else we will face difficult problems as time pass due to me being illegal in his country. The problem was that when we first met he told me that he is completely in love with me and is planning to marry me if everything works out and i never bothered to extend my visa because i didn´t want them to find out that i was illegal after 6 months end and i´ll have to go back home. I kept on staying there waiting for the day he marries me so that we can have a normal life. But because of him working for both of us and i am confused about the future and what will happens and me spending most of my days just at home doing chores i fell into depression for 6 months and we fight constantly. However we were stubborn and never gave up on our relationship. We were together throughout that time, for a year and 5 months total, happy but definitely stressed about our situation and its implications for our relationship.

Now as times go by, I realized I can´t just keep living like this and depending on him as it puts tremendous pressure on our relationship…his family is also very against our relationship due to our situation. None of the stuff we tried worked out to get me papers here, and I eventually had to get on the plane back to my country (which is literally the other side of the world, over 20 hours away by plane).

I suggested we get married, but he didn’t want to do it because he felt that it was too soon (he has also been married and divorced and doesn’t want a repeat). He’s also depressed due to his family being so against us. Anyway, after much arguing and tears (I was so sad about my departure and being on my own for the first time in my life), we decided the best thing would be for me to just try my best and be on my own for a while and we contact through skype, emails ect… which would be for max a year. We wanted to try to work it out. he’d visit me in about six months when he had a holiday. And then I´d try to come visit him. And then when he is ready he will propose to me and we’d move to his country.

It sounded like a fine plan apart from all the heartache and missing him. But since I left we’ve fought a great deal over it. I have a difficult time with concrete plans, because of the uncertainty in his life. I feel like I constantly need some reassurance from him about the relationship. I want to know that he wants to work it out with me no matter what, that he would really marry me someday and i´m not wasting time waiting for something that may never happen. I have concerns about getting a visa, finding a job in that country that will allow me to pay my part in our relationship, etc. But he just feels very pressured. So we decided to perhaps let it go — the relationship, I mean.

I’m heartbroken over it. Part of me feels like missing someone so much for the next year or so without the promise of a definite future (he thinks I’m not being patient, he wanted to do it when he feels it and i keep pressuring him) would be awful. But part of me doesn’t want to let go because I love him more than I’ve ever loved a guy. Please, please help me work through this mess of emotions and life circumstances and immigration issues.

[Thornton]

If he loved you, he would want to marry you, because he would miss you so much that he would do anything to have you with him. If it was a choice between marrying now or breaking up, I would expect him to choose marriage. The fact is, he doesn't want to marry you. He would rather let you be in his country illegally, or watch you leave and have an LDR with you, or even break up with you completely.

 

I realise he may be cautious about marriage because he is divorced, but in an LDR you have to make concessions you wouldn't otherwise make. Normally I wouldn't expect marriage after 18 months, but if it's the only way you can be together then he should be willing to do it, because anything (even marriage) should be preferable to losing you. This guy is never going to marry you, he's simply making excuses and trying to buy himself more time. He had to make a choice between being unmarried and single or marrying you, and he chose being unmarried and single... you're not that important to him, because nobody breaks up with someone who is truly important to them.

 

I'm in an LDR and my bf is prepared to marry me if it turns out to be the only way we can eventually be together. When there is a choice to be made, he chooses me. Your boyfriend didn't choose you, and you can find a much more committed guy who is prepared to sacrifice if necessary in order to be with you.