What to think

[startoveragain]

My wife and I just had our 2 yr anniversary. We have been together for 4+ years. She is 15 years younger, in her late 20's. I was in a bad marriage that had died, but I had, a then, 7 year old daughter and stayed too long. I met my new wife, and she was in a bad relationship. We started our relationship while living with the others. I had no sex with my previous wife in 2 years though. My new wife was "doing what neccessary" to stay in her house at the time I found out. So there was trust issues from the start on both our sides. She told off a girl who texted me... Always wanted to know who was calling, and if I didn't get right back from picking up my daughter, she would call me. 7 months into the marriage, I came home from work and she was texting non stop, I could tell it was pretty heated converstaion. She's always had guy friends, and claims she gets along better with guys... By the second day I finally asked her who the hell she's writing non stop. I was told her sister, that I was being crazy and jealous. I did some snooping and found out it was a guy at work. 100's of texts a day. She said that they were just friends and to lighten up. She then started wanting to do things without me, but really didn't, likely because I was suspecting the worst. This went on for 4 months, and our sex life went to hell.

This guy started directing love messeges to her on myspace, asking her to leave me and be happy. I told her that was enough and he needed to go! She refused, said he was just a friend, and so I told her to move out. The second day, we talked and she invited me to come see her at a hotel she was staying at. We made love and she came home. She sort of appologized and said she loved me and wanted to spend her life with me a few months later.

Things were great for 8 months, now she's back to texting another guy friend at work. This one younger than her. He's 21. It's nonstop, and she deletes it all. I told her it's crazy, why hide it all if it's innocent. She says she has a right to privacy with her friends... I became suspicous, I talked to her family who thinks this is out of line and have told her to knock it off. I followed her one time when she said she was going to meet and old GF. She met this kid for dinner. I confronted them and he and her swear they're just friends... I'm really struggling with this. She moved out with a GF and says she needs time alone to figure herself out, and that she IS NOT having an affair, and never would on me. She says she still loves me. It's only been a few days, but I think I should just move on and file for D. Problem is, she has a daughter, although never married before. I'm her first marriage. Our two daughters get along so well. I mean they LOVE each other. Her daughters father has primary custody, they were very young when she got pregnant and she stayed in school. It never worked out with her girls father. I hate to break up the girls and our mostly happy home...

 

How much time should I give her, or is this over?

[seibert253]

Lay it all on the line. Time for a sit down heart to heart.

She is wrong, and what she's been engaged in is an emotional affair. Let her know.

If you love her and want to fix this I would tell her. I would say; honey I love you more than anything else on this planet, but what you've done has hurt me to the core and is disrespectful and unacceptable. I can no longer tolerate it. Then lay out your guildlines for fixing your marriage.

1. End all contact with this "friend"

2. If they work together, she needs to find another job.

3. Marriage counseling

4. Complete transparency on her part and yours

5. Complete and total honest from both of you.

 

She either agrees to all, or it's over. Let her know. There is no compromising. Do not set a concrete date but tell her she needs to make a decision, it's him or me. Tell her you will not wait forever for her to decide.

If she remains outside the home, which I think is not a good idea, the go NC or LC. Do not call her, do not answer her calls. Call her back on your own accord. If you do talk, only speak of logistics, kids, finances, things like this.

 

She needs to get a dose of life without you.

 

Also, contact an attorney ASAP to find out your rights. If she keeps delaying her decision, which she probable will, or if she declines to accept the reconcillation terms, then file for divorce and have her served.

 

Your wife sounds immature and needs a wake up call.

[startoveragain]

Thanks Seibert. We have had the sit down. I told her, her families told her, that it's unacceptable to be married and having guys write/text you all the time. And especially hiding/deleting it. Of course I shouldn't be in a position that I feel the need to check her phone either! She claims that it is nothing but friendship. That guys are who she relates to better. She is very attractive, and I told her because they tell you everything you want to hear... Her best GF told me that she truly loves me, but I'm smothering her by not letting her have guy, or any friends. That is not true, I told her if she had to have guy friends, that I could accept it, if we were both involved. Her GF says that this guy is just a friend and nothing has happened, she has not cheated on me...

By making her quit her job, are you assuming that she has had an affair with this kid?

[mark982]

2 guys she texts from the same job. it's not going to matter if she finds a new job,it will just start all over again, just with new guys.she's up to no good by deleting her texts,if you have nothing to hide why delete? she has clearly crossed your boundries by doing this, it's up to you to decide if you believe her(i don't). and i sure as hell wouldn't trust her sister,or gf.

[startoveragain]

2 guys she texts from the same job. it's not going to matter if she finds a new job,it will just start all over again, just with new guys.she's up to no good by deleting her texts,if you have nothing to hide why delete? she has clearly crossed your boundries by doing this, it's up to you to decide if you believe her(i don't). and i sure as hell wouldn't trust her sister,or gf.

 

Oh I hear you. No her sister and ALL of her family is on my side solidly.

 

My gut instinct is telling me that there HAS to be more going on. But I know her GF does the same, has guy friends she texts all the time, she makes it all sound so acceptable. It's a power struggle I think at this point. But yeah, either there's some boundaries set(what I don't know)or she's out. Maybe I'm old fashoned at 43, but I don't think it's acceptable to spend all day with a male coworker, then text them all night. And the lying to meet him stunt is off the chart wrong, the wife knows that and admits it. But I don't want to be walked on while these antics are going on. Worst case, I take her back, and a year from now we're in the same boat...

[2sure]

She sounds as though she sees you more as a "supervisor" than a husband. Either because those are the relationship dynamics or because she has no idea what marriage and committment are, what they mean to you.

 

She needs to wrap her head around the fact that she is no longer acquiring intimate "friends" that she needs to communicate with to that extent every day. Thats what her husband for.

 

What, exactly is your exclusive role in her life??

[startoveragain]

 

What, exactly is your exclusive role in her life??

 

Well we have set in to the day to day routine lately, that I know. That was something that I brought up. She wants to do things with friends, but I mention that we never do things like that, that it's all raising the girls and their activities, caring for the house... I want her to do things with friends, but I also want us to do those things too. ie-Go out to have drinks, concerts, etc. Seems to be, as you said, I'm there to help run the house, and that's it...