Anyone reconciled and had it work?

[Kat709]

Here is my story (short & sweet)

 

I found out this Saturday that My guy of 4 years had a one night stand 2 weeks ago. I found out from a friend and confronted him, he denied it, I accidentally ran into the girl, she told me all. When I re-confronted him, he admitted it. Here is the problem, I have had guys cheat on me before and have ended those relationships. I feel differently about this one. I am in no way a gullible person and have a lot of self-esteem. I just have never felt this strongly about anyone, and want to make it work.

 

Here is the biggest problem, he says he wants it to work as well and I am having trouble believe him. He is constantly telling me how stupid he was and that He wishes he could take it all back. I really want to believe him. I know some out there think once a cheater, always a cheater but I am living proof that this is not the case.

 

How do you know what to believe and what not to believe in order to not get hurt again?

 

Is there anyone out there that has reconciled and it worked out?

[Leikela]

If you want to work it out, I would suggest you get to the root of the problem first. Why did he cheat? What were his reasonings? Usually when a partner cheats, it's because there is a problem with the relationship. Either they aren't getting what they need and seek it some place else, or they have other issues with the relationship.

 

I mean, if you think about it, if we were totally happy with our partner and the relationship, why would we cheat? However, some people do cheat when they're completely happy because they have their own issues with being happy and are self destructive.

 

Either way, you need to find out what your boyfriend's issues are and work from rebuilding from there. Best of luck to you.

[Kat709]

Thanks for the insight.

He states his problems were within himself and not thinking he knew what he wanted in life. I think it may also have something to do with the fact that every single one of his friends have no morals as he does and are currently juggling several girls themselves.

 

I am not making excuses for him. As far as I am concerned, there is no viable excuse for his actions. I do, however love him more than anything and hope I can work it out and help him out with any difficulties. It's a long road ahead of us and we both know this. I just hope I can get over learning to trust him again.

 

I just feel the need for re-assurance and maybe an opinion from someone who isn't going to take sides, as all of our friends seem to do.

[Leikela]

No problem for the insight. Anytime! If the reasons you described were why your boyfriend cheated on you, then I think in order to get over this hurdle, your boyfriend has A LOT of growing up to do!! Are you guys young? It sounds that way.

 

I know you love him and want to work it out, but it sounds to me like he isn't ready for a committed relationship. (obviously) He really does have a lot of issues to work out and if he doesn't change then there's no way you're going to be able to build trust in him again.

 

I think you need to look deep within yourself and weight the good with the bad. You may need to cut your losses regardless if you love him or not. Love is NOT enough these days. I think he needs a lot of time to himself to grow up. You didn't speak highly of his friends and the way people's friends are say a lot about the person as well.

 

I know you'll stay with him and try to work it out, but if you never regain that trust, you'll never be the same again. Regaining that trust means HE has to change. It's up to him and for your sake, I hope he's up for it.

[Kat709]

We are both 27 and It's not the first time I've been told he has a lot of growing up to do.

 

I would like to be there for him because I know that he is not a strong a person as he would like to think he is. There are definately a ton of issues I need to evaluate. I know what kind of work I am in for if I want to learn to trust him again.

 

I think that he is realizing that it's not worth it to act as he did and has himself stated negative opinions regarding his friends and their actions. We agree that when we are together and it's just us, there is nothing wrong in the world, however as soon as someone else is thrown into the mix (my friend or his) It seems as though he has to put on this persona that is just not him.

 

We have been talking a lot since this happened and We both want to work for what we once had. I am only worried that I will not be able to trust him again and that is not the kind of relationship we had or one that I want to be in. I guess I am looking for a quick answer that needs to come from my heart not anyone else's. I just don't want to put myself in such a vulnerable position and have it blow up in my face. I know I couldn't handle that. I can't tell you how nice it is to be able to talk to someone who can see it with their eyes wide open and not behind the blinders that love has placed on me.

[Summerday]

I think you are doing the right thing. If you love this man and want to work it out and if it's the first time he has ever done something like this to you and he is deeply regretful, then I think a second chance should be granted. However, if he does anything else to make you doubt him ever again, then you should lose him. Good luck to you. I gave too many chances in one relationship. And in another relationship I was never given a second chance and this is the man I still love today. To live with regret and remorse is the worst feeling I have ever encountered.