Hard time trying to move on

[wing81]

I have put some post on the second chance forum and have come to realize that for the time being I should be moving on. The problem is that i haven't gotten any closure from the break up. My girlfriend left in August for a year of traveling with a break around Christmas. About a month after she left she called me and told me that we should break up. I understand why she did it over the phone and I couldn't put her through having that on her mind for the next 4 months. However, we never really talked about it and the initial phone call only lasted 20 minutes. I tried to call her and talk to her because I had so many questions, however whenever I tried to talk about it she would get upset. We shared a couple of emails and all of the reasons she gave me were things that could easily be fixed if we just talked. We just never had the chance to because we haven't been able to spend a lot of time together lately. Well, we keep in contact and just talk about once a week. Usually it is about things are going for each other, apparently those talks were making her feel pressured. She seems very unsure of herself right now and keeps sending me mixed signals about the possibilty of getting back together. I asked her once if she still had feelings for me and she said yes but didn't say anything else that was decisive. There were a lot of i don't knows and maybes.

 

I am not going to call her for a while, but I still need closure from her. She is very first girlfriend and I wish she could be more understanding of what I am going through. She has had a couple of boyfriends before but she has always been the one to break it off. I really want to sit down with her and talk things out, but she doesn't seem to want to. It is making it hard to move on, I'm confused and she seems to be also. The other thing that gets me is that I have a lot of her things but she has never once asked for them back. I'm starting to feel angry toward her and I don't want that to happen. She has been a huge part of my life and has taught me so much. If anybody has any advice I could really use some.

[DonTomaso]

Hi Wing... I can give you some perspective as a very similar thing happened to me. I dated a girl for about 9 months, and then she went on a trip to New Zealand (other side of the world) for 6 months. I live on the west coast and when she returned from her trip, she was moving to the east coast.

 

Our relationship was super intense up until the time she left and we never really discussed our future together. We were pretty much living in the moment. I think we both knew in the back of our minds that the relationship was over once she left, but we never addressed the issue. Of course we continued speaking when she left. Finally we had the same conversation that you had with your gf... Well, after that conversation, I really started to miss her and wanted to stay together. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending how you look at it) she now wanted space but still wanted to talk. This seemed unfair to me, so I broke off all contact. A few weeks passed and then I called her to see how she was doing, etc. From this point forward, all I got was a bunch of confusion and maybes from her (just like you are getting).

 

Okay.. so here's my advice. If you want to get her back at some point, you have to suck up the anger for now and just be supportive of her. Unless you have something to be mad at her about, what is the use of getting mad at her while she is just trying to "find herself" while traveling. It will just make her mad and she will never see things your way.

 

 

I just think you need to really look deep inside yourself and decide if this girl is the one. Did you ever have a conversation about your future when you two were together? I think this is a good indicator of how much you truly cared about her. My guess is that you always knew she was going on this trip, so it was a nice way for you to give yourself space and exit the relationship. I could be wrong about this of course.

 

Also, this is your first serious relationship, so now you have the opportunity to get involved with other people and see what the world has to offer.

 

From what you wrote, it seems like this girl really cares about you, but she is just confused.

 

If you write back and give some more details, I would be happy to give you some additional perspective.

[wing81]

Thanks for your advice DonTomaso. If there is any other details I can give you to help just let me know. As for as more background information, I'm 22 and so is she. We have known each other for 4 years now and were together for almost 2 1/2 years. We talked about our future all the time and have tried to support each other through everything. She found out about this job about 6 months ago and the her biggest thing with taking it was that I would be waiting for her when she got back. This summer wasn't the best for us and we weren't able to spend a lot of time together or talk about important things. This not being able to spend time with each other also led to us not going out a whole lot. I went to do some field work for 6 weeks this summer and when I got back she was getting ready to leave for her job.

 

I guess this summer was the bump in the road but I know it isn't something that we couldn't work through. I still try to support her and let her know that I am here for her. We had briefly discussed whether or not we would still be together in December before she left but It never seemed that she would be give me a call a month later.

 

I'm just frustrated because sometimes she acts like she doesn't care about us, she leaves away messages up on AIM that make it sounds like she is hooking up with a bunch of guys, but when asked what they mean she says they have nothing to do with guys. I doesn't bother me that she is going out, it just feels that she is rubbing it in my face. I have never been controlling of her and she constantly thanked me for being so trusting of her when she goes out. I'm going to try and lay low for a while and give her more space and let her come to me when she is ready. I'm not sure if this will change any of your prespective but if there is anything you can think of I would appreciate any input. thanks

[DonTomaso]

Originally posted by wing81

I guess this summer was the bump in the road but I know it isn't something that we couldn't work through. I still try to support her and let her know that I am here for her. We had briefly discussed whether or not we would still be together in December before she left but It never seemed that she would be give me a call a month later.

 

No problem Wing. Could you give any more detail on the above quote. What did you mean about "call a month later."

 

It's amazing how similar your ex's behavior is with my ex when she left for her trip. I am a little older than you (25), but my ex was 22 when she left.

 

If you feel like some of her actions are meant to rub it in your face, she probably is not doing it on purpose; HOWEVER, that does not mean that she is not acting in a passive agressive manner. I remember saying some things over IM to my ex when she was gone. When I wrote these things, I didn't think anything of it, but in retrospect I can see how the meaning was a bit on the aggressive side.

 

The problem with your situation is that the communication is breaking down and your relationship is becoming a "game." If you had the benefit of looking her in the eyes and talking, everything might clear right up. Unfortunately, you don't have the benefit of this.

 

Here's my advice... when you do speak to her, tell her how yuo feel and be honest. Any solid relationship has to have a to have a rock-solid foundation steeped in honesty. If you tell her that these things she writes on IM hurt you, maybe she will stop. Just DON'T GET MAD AT HER if you want to get back together with her when she returns.

 

I hope this helps a little bit. I know what you are going through sucks because you have to wait so long for her to return. So far it sounds like you are playing it cool though....

[wing81]

Communication this summer was not so great. Not being able to spend time together and talk made each of us unsure of what the other wanted. I would try to do things for her but she always seemed unhappy. This made me discouraged and I slowly did less and less. I figured if we were still together when she left that we would be together till she got back. She had only been gone a month when she called and told me that she didn't think we should be together anymore.

 

We have talked a couple of times about how we feel and what's been going on, but it never seems to get anywhere. We don't yell at each other its just that we can't seem to get our feelings and messages across over the phone. Like you said, things would be more clear if we were able to talk in person.

 

I'm starting to understand a little more clearly that she is just as confused as me, maybe more because of her traveling. I can see this when we talk and she contradicts herself, especially when talking about how she feels. I thought I was giving her space but only talking to her once a week about how things were going but apparently not. I'm trying to play it cool but need to give her more space and time.

[wing81]

DonTomaso, You said that your experience was very similar to mine. Would you mind shariing it. I would like to know know how you handled things and how they turned out for you. Thanks

[DonTomaso]

Hi Wing... Sorry I didn't write back earlier, but I was out of town.

 

Well, as I already said, my ex left on a trip just like your ex did. When she left, our relasioship was going very well, but we never discussed what we were going to do once she was gone. Would we stay together? Were we going to break up? Then I started missing her a lot, and wanted to stay together. THe only problem was that she now wanted to be single, but she said that she would always be my friend. I was hurting so much at this point that I didn't know how to be her friend, so I cut off all contac and told her I would call her when I was ready to be her true friend. I was honest when I said this as well. I was not trying to play a game with her and make her miss me. I just wanted my pain to go away and I thought cutting off contact would do the trick.

 

Okay... this is when it really starts to sound like your situation. I eventually called my ex 3 or 4 weeks later. I was ready to be her friend, and hear about another man in or life or whatever came my way. Well, when I contacted her, she was very reluctant to speak to me and was very confused. I just wanted to maintain healthy communication so that our friendship would grow and not put to much pressure on the situation, but she was not willing to do her part. All of the contact was initiated by me and I started to feel like she never really wanted to be friends.

 

I guess the difference between your situation and mine is that I really wanted to be friends and break up for a while, but keep the door open for a future realtionhship. Despite that, my ex's emotions and my emotions seem very similar to you and your ex's. Eventually my ex came back to the states. We tried to be friends talking ocasionally on the phone, but there was always a lot of tension. I blame myself as well as her for the fact that we are not currently speaking.

 

This does not mean that you are headed down the same road with your current ex. I now know that the confusion my ex felt had a lot to do with the fact that she did want to be together. If I had wanted it too, I am 99% sure we would have made it work. So... again, I think you just need to give your ex some space and keep living your life and enjoy yourself. If you find someone even more wonderful that her, go with it. If you don't find someone before she gets back, try to make it work when she comes home.

 

I hope this helps a little bit. Write back if you like.

[Angel]

makes us stronger! Young people are supposed to go through trials and tribulations of life; it makes you learn and get stronger. Sometimes emotional pain is there, but it is part of life. You are young and need to experience a few more relationships before you find "the one". Good luck.

[wing81]

Thanks for all of the advice, it has been very helpful. I definately have a clearer picture of what is going on and the best way to handle things. I'm also feeling better about myself and understand what is going on in my head. I guess it is a waiting game right now and I know where to turn if I have more question. Thanks again.