This is the one…the one you’ve all been waiting for

[Got Me]

I admire your confidence. You took a big risk posting like that in this forum. BS will be coming out of the woodwork to knock you down - don't let them.

What you said is exactly how most OW feel. They are just too scared to say it around here.

Kudos to you sister!

[Lyssa]

I understand flexibility is important to any R, but this is a red flag to me. Soon, it may go from flexibility to total chaos. I hope in your case it isn't total chaos.

 

I agree with you, WF.

[Full Of Hope]

full of hope,

 

you're going to a get a lot of "down" comments I can tell -- but you know what? -- people get married to the wrong person all the time -- they break up and they move on and sometimes that second marriage/relationship is one that is vastly happier.

 

I wish you the best of luck -- everyone thinks their situation will be different -- and I genuinely hope it is the case for you.

 

Thanks for the support!

[Full Of Hope]

Hi Hope. Alot of negative people here eh? Well, it's nice to keep our hopes up, but people don't seem to understand that we ride the same roller coaster as the MM. We have our dreamy moments thinking about the future with having our MM all to ourselves, then we crash and burn thinking that what we have now is all we'll ever have, and then we think ending it is the best thing, and then we get right back on the ride and dream about the future again.

 

I hope things turn out the way you want, but it is a long road either way. It takes alot of patience, and timing is key, and still there are no guarantees. But I agree with you, these feelings are real, they came out of nowhere, unexpected, and like nothing we've ever felt before. How can that be wrong?

 

People get married every day for all sorts of reasons, usually not for love but because it's what they're 'supposed' to do. People get divorced for all sorts of reasons, and alot of the time it's because they realized they married for all the wrong reasons, and sometimes they find the love they never knew existed. It's 2009, not 1929, and the world has changed and people are starting to do more of what they want for themselves and less of what society thinks they should do.

 

Divorce is never the end of the world, it's the drama created around it by the BS that ends up hurting the kids more than it needs to. Everyone gets a second chance, even the BS, IMO, so suck it up and make the best of it.

 

Oh that really turned into a rant didn't it. sorry.

 

Nothing wrong with a little ranting...this is a tough subject

Thanks for the post....seems like you really understand...

[Full Of Hope]

Congratulations. Sounds like he is the one for you. It just proves that MM really will leave when they are serious abut being with the OW. I wish you the best of luck.

 

I'm glad that his wife will now have the chance to meet someone who will treat her the way she deserves to be treated. It's a win win for everyone. Just from what you wrote about the first d-day and how he continued to lie to her, I'm sure she knows that she will be better off without him.

 

Again, good luck to you.

 

He is definitely the one for me. And you're right, his wife deserves a chance at love as well. Thanks!

[Full Of Hope]

 

I hope you get the mm, and then your life is the fairy tale romance you always wanted. You are very happy, I can tell...can even see you smirking with pleasure. Congrats, you won the prize.

 

It's as if you're standing outside my window...

 

I am very happy...and if I'm this happy now, while going through all of this, I'll be in happiness overload when it's all said and done.

[Full Of Hope]

Do mind me asking what the original plan was?

 

Not at all...

His W has been a paralegal for most of her adult life. She's been going to law school for the past few years and is finally closing in on her dream of being a lawyer. Her school requires a lot of focus, and he didn't want to take away from that. Our plan was to wait until she takes the Bar Exam before making any moves. She's scheduled for the exam at the end of this year. Even though she found out, he wanted to keep their home in tact for her sake as long as possible. When she found out again, it wasn't possible to stick with that plan anymore.

[herenow]

The best thing about this is the short time it took between d-day and when the BW found the letter. At least the BW didn't have to go through years of living with this man before she found out that he was not being faithful. It sounds like he should have just left after the first d-day, but again the time frame is so short, it doesn't really matter. What does matter is that everyone in this situation will be happy in the end.

 

It also sound like the kids don't know about the affair and they will be able to have two loving and happy parents. Proof that BW's don't always use heir kids to keep the MM from the OW.

 

I'm excited for the OP to be able to live her life with a man she deserves. I'l also excited for the wife to be able to find a man that she deserves. This is indeed a great story that will have a happy ending.

[Touche]

I guess I must be missing something. I'm really not seeing anything different about your story. Sure I wish you well but I wouldn't be so sure this is going to go the way you want it to.

 

Has he moved out yet? If so, when is he moving out? When won't this be a LD anymore? Sorry if you've already answered this.

[2sunny]

Not at all...

His W has been a paralegal for most of her adult life. She's been going to law school for the past few years and is finally closing in on her dream of being a lawyer. Her school requires a lot of focus, and he didn't want to take away from that. Our plan was to wait until she takes the Bar Exam before making any moves. She's scheduled for the exam at the end of this year. Even though she found out, he wanted to keep their home in tact for her sake as long as possible. When she found out again, it wasn't possible to stick with that plan anymore.

 

while it is nice to have hope... it is also realistic to understand what you have typed.

 

action on his part will tell you everything... not words. how has HIS situation changed to allow you to understand he is making progress to be with you?

 

has he moved close to you? has he set a date for the wedding? does he have stamped final divorce papers to show you?

 

if all he is giving you is words of hope and encouragement - then your story is no different than posters here who stay in these situations for years... sometimes 4, sometimes 14 years.

 

you need to set some boundaries for a happy and healthy future - with or without THIS man. regardless of what he does... you deserve happiness.

 

what do YOU intend to do if it is another 8 or 9 months and things remain the same as they are now? it is possible - you know?

 

remember... HE will tell you anything and everything you want to hear to keep you coming back for HIM.

 

is it words he has spoken - or has he DONE anything to change his position so he can be with you? this is a key question.

[Touche]

2sunny is right. That's what I guess I'm getting at...I mean maybe I missed something in the posts but I'm not picking up on any ACTION on his part...just words..yada, blah, blah, yada. This is like every other story I read on here.

 

It wouldn't surprise me at ALL if this guy is trying to patch things up with his wife, while you naively think he's planning a life with you.

 

I mean he's lied to his wife a few times. What makes you think he won't lie to you? Oh yeah, because he says you're the life of his life right?

 

No offense but you really sound very naive with your "rainbow and unicorn" view of your future.

 

Even if you end up with him, which I really don't see happening here, your life will be anything but idyllic. Trust me on that one. You're going to have to deal with his kids you know. That's all I'll say.

[2sunny]

[Q]They are deciding together how to best handle the situation for their family.[Q]

 

you bet THEY are... and where does leave you? no where... keep in mind - this isn't about you right now. it is about the family. if he intended to leave - there would be NO discussion about how best to handle the family.

 

i don't see you typing "he HAS decided to file for divorce." he HAS moved out.

 

be aware that his actions are telling you that he intends to try to fix the marriage and that the "family" is trying to handle it "best." that means he is groveling to his wife for forgiveness...

 

ask if he is in marriage counseling. i bet he is.

 

these things will reveal to you what his plan is.

 

has he kept you at bay since she discovered you? has he been quiet in corresponding with you? maybe called from a different number than before? new email account?

 

wondering - for your best interest and future of "hope."

[xpaperxcutx]

[Q]They are deciding together how to best handle the situation for their family.[Q]

 

you bet THEY are... and where does leave you? no where... keep in mind - this isn't about you right now. it is about the family. if he intended to leave - there would be NO discussion about how best to handle the family.

 

i don't see you typing "he HAS decided to file for divorce." he HAS moved out.

 

be aware that his actions are telling you that he intends to try to fix the marriage and that the "family" is trying to handle it "best." that means he is groveling to his wife for forgiveness...

 

ask if he is in marriage counseling. i bet he is.

 

these things will reveal to you what his plan is.

 

has he kept you at bay since she discovered you? has he been quiet in corresponding with you? maybe called from a different number than before? new email account?

 

wondering - for your best interest and future of "hope."

 

Couldn't agree more.

 

Maybe I'm a pessimistic on these things, because I have guys not reciprocate, but you're putting yourself in a world of hurt if you're not realistic with the situation. Instead of " fantasizing" how about actually observe what he's actually doing to make said progress of going through with the divorce and wanting to be with you.

 

Yes, he can tell you want you through the phone and emails, but at the end of the day, you're still alone by yourself.

[Full Of Hope]

Touche, xpaper & 2sunny,

 

I hear ya....loud and clear. But, again, I trust him. If I didn't, why would I be with him? I don't feel the need to pick apart his decisions every time he makes one. Do I sometimes wish we could speed things up a little? Of course I do. I'm so excited about starting our life together I can hardly stand it. I want him to be with me because he wants to...not because I make him. I could have given him an ultimatum any time, and I know he would have done what I asked. But later in life, he may have regrets because he didn't handle things the way he thought was best for everyone involved. I'm not willing to live with that kind of guilt...especially when it comes to his kids.

 

BTW...I knew that "rainbows and unicorns" comment was going to come back to bite me

 

 

herenow,

Thank you for the encouragement. You won't be disappointed

[2sunny]

Touche, xpaper & 2sunny,

 

But, again, I trust him. If I didn't, why would I be with him? I don't feel the need to pick apart his decisions every time he makes one.

 

 

this is very dangerous for you.

 

his decisions are much different than his actions...

 

what action has happened since she found out? what has HE changed in order to be with you? or does it still look the same at home as before and you are just going by his "words"???

[dobler33]

Touche, xpaper & 2sunny,

 

I hear ya....loud and clear. But, again, I trust him. If I didn't, why would I be with him? I don't feel the need to pick apart his decisions every time he makes one. Do I sometimes wish we could speed things up a little? Of course I do. I'm so excited about starting our life together I can hardly stand it. I want him to be with me because he wants to...not because I make him. I could have given him an ultimatum any time, and I know he would have done what I asked. But later in life, he may have regrets because he didn't handle things the way he thought was best for everyone involved. I'm not willing to live with that kind of guilt...especially when it comes to his kids.

 

BTW...I knew that "rainbows and unicorns" comment was going to come back to bite me

 

 

herenow,

Thank you for the encouragement. You won't be disappointed

 

i wasn't planning on responding to this thread because i'm sure that plenty of folks will try to warn you, but this one freaked me out a little because it was EXACTLY what i said about my MM. "i'm not going to push or fight for him, not going to make demands or ultimatums, because when we do end up together i don't want any of his regrets to be able to attach themselves to me, don't want him to resent me." obviously i wouldn't be posting this if it had turned out well and i fully recognize that your situation is surely different and cannot be predicted based on my experience. but i have to warn you that while you have made this respectful decision not to fight, the BS has no such limitations. she has a lot more to fight for, too. it's quite likely that she's fighting her little behind off while you wait patiently and respectfully for him to choose you. again, your situation may be entirely different and i might be totally unwarranted in my concern for you, but i felt obliged to throw this out there because the echo was too familiar in that statement.

 

just watch your back, my dear, and make sure you have a plan B if he decides to stay.

[OWoman]

FoH, mine is one of the stories here that worked out. I wish you luck in yours, but want to caution you that even those that do work out are not all sunshine and rainbows. There are real costs involved. Your MM will go through the wringer, unless he's a cold hard emotionless type (and I doubt he is, given your wanting to be with him). He will take on the pain he imagines his W and kids going through, and then some. There will be difficult times. If you think it's hard now, just wait. And, this is "winning". This isn't the pain of loss.

 

But, ultimately, if you can get through all of that, I hope you will find it as worthwhile as I've found my R with my now-H. Good luck! But don't blind yourself to the costs...

[Touche]

We know you trust him. I guess what some of us are trying to say is that it may very well be misplaced trust.

 

Why would you be with him, you ask? Frankly I haven't a clue. He doesn't sound like much of a prize to me. When people say

 

And yeah, the rainbow and unicorn thing is just totally unrealistic in this case. I have a feeling a year from now not much will have changed.

 

And when people here say that they're excited for you to have found someone you deserve..uhm, I just have to wonder how they mean that. Just sayin'.

 

Well good luck...sounds like you're going to be learning the hard way. I'll eat my words if this turns out well but nothing you've said here tells me that it will.

 

You never answered some of the questions asked...totally glossed over them. Oh well.....

[Full Of Hope]

Touche Touche...let me go back and see what I missed...

 

No, No & No to the moving, the wedding date, and the divorce papers.

 

I will not allow things to stay the same for another 8 or 9 months. I said I wouldn't give him an ultimatum. I didn't say I wouldn't fight for what I want. I have plenty of fight in me, don't you worry. D- Day for the relationship is the end of this year. I have no doubt it will be settled long before that day comes.

 

Has he done anything to change his position for him to be with me? Yes, he has. Mostly with work. Our boss knows our situation, and they are working together to make some changes within the company so that we will be able to live in the same state. This is crucial, as neither one of us can make a move until this piece of the puzzle is worked out. Have to earn a living ya know...

 

Has he kept me at bay? Not at all. We still communicate just as much as we did before. His wife's only request was that he not talk to me in her presence.

 

Dobler, I read your thread when you posted it. It was heartbreaking to say the least. I even shared the story with my MM. He was saddened as well. As I stated above, I'm definitely willing to fight. Realistically, (yes Touche, I can be a realist) this is the biggest competition of my life. I'm well aware of this fact. It's just a non-issue for me because I know the end will justify the means.

[White Flower]

Touche Touche...let me go back and see what I missed...

 

No, No & No to the moving, the wedding date, and the divorce papers.

 

I will not allow things to stay the same for another 8 or 9 months. I said I wouldn't give him an ultimatum. I didn't say I wouldn't fight for what I want. I have plenty of fight in me, don't you worry. D- Day for the relationship is the end of this year. I have no doubt it will be settled long before that day comes.

 

Has he done anything to change his position for him to be with me? Yes, he has. Mostly with work. Our boss knows our situation, and they are working together to make some changes within the company so that we will be able to live in the same state. This is crucial, as neither one of us can make a move until this piece of the puzzle is worked out. Have to earn a living ya know...

 

Has he kept me at bay? Not at all. We still communicate just as much as we did before. His wife's only request was that he not talk to me in her presence.

 

Dobler, I read your thread when you posted it. It was heartbreaking to say the least. I even shared the story with my MM. He was saddened as well. As I stated above, I'm definitely willing to fight. Realistically, (yes Touche, I can be a realist) this is the biggest competition of my life. I'm well aware of this fact. It's just a non-issue for me because I know the end will justify the means.

With all due respect, and I do hope you get what you want, but if you two are right for each other and he and his W are not, how is this competition?

[Touche]

Ok, thanks for clarifying. But now I'm more confused. What do you mean by it's the biggest " competition?" And what do you mean by the end will justify the means...what means? Also, what do you mean when you say you'll "fight" for this? How?

 

Strange that the company will bend over to facilitate this...hmm...why is this not passing the smell test for me? I wonder....

[Touche]

With all due respect, and I do hope you get what you want, but if you two are right for each other and he and his W are not, how is this competition?

 

Just saw this...yep that REALLY jumped out at me.

 

You know, Full Of, I've never had to "fight" for a relationship in my life. That right there should tell you something. Something in your thinking and ideas about what a good relationship is supposed to be like is WAY off base here. Sorry.

[2sunny]

so - i see it all as words.

 

he asked for a change in work... nothing has happened yet.

 

has he moved from the house? filed divorce papers?

 

if nothing has changed (in solid - concrete evidence) then nothing has changed.

 

i would step back and wait until his divorce is FINAL... that is when you will have proof that he no longer intends to be married to her.

 

in the meantime - go about life as if he weren't in the picture for you.

 

do you intend to answer the questions that posters have asked? because right now i see no new info from you other than "you have hope." that will only take you so far (and set you up for disappointment) unless change has been happening from his camp.

[hopesndreams]

Dobler, I read your thread when you posted it. It was heartbreaking to say the least. I even shared the story with my MM. He was saddened as well. As I stated above, I'm definitely willing to fight. Realistically, (yes Touche, I can be a realist) this is the biggest competition of my life. I'm well aware of this fact. It's just a non-issue for me because I know the end will justify the means.

 

I now know the full meaning of the word pomposity.

[2sunny]

let's look at this with a realistic view...

 

if she found out (twice) and she didn't throw him out immediately - then that indicates they are trying to work it all out.

 

if they haven't told the kids... then that means that they are not intending for them to understand that there is an issue... also means that they are working on the marriage.

 

these are what HIS actions are saying!!!!

 

does that make any sense to the reality of what you are seeing?