This is the one…the one you’ve all been waiting for

[Jilly Bean]

You're wrong on so many levels that it's not even funny. And guess why you don't read stories of it working out in favor of the OW? Because it almost never happens as has been pointed out. They all thought they were the exception to that as well.

 

I do think this will be a VERY valuable thread in this forum though. Thhis plays out as if it's scripted. How do you think I got those tidbits right? I've seen it a million times on here. Gosh these men must really think you gals are stupid. I'd be insulted if I were fed these lines.

 

Yep, you're very naive. And one day you're going to say "What the HELL was I thinking. And hopefully, you'll find true love. Because, trust me, this ain't it. This will run its course before year's end. (Yep, I'm making another prediction.)

 

 

I totally agree with Touche, and all the line item comments she made as well.

 

I don't believe he's sleeping on the couch, and I don't believe he's going to wreck his entire family life AND he still can't fly out to see the OP for even a night on the weekend? No. He's not coming, because he's at home, working on his marriage.

 

Is this whole OW thing some kind of right of passage for a lot of young women?

 

It seems to me that people that enter into these situations do so because of self-esteem issues. A woman with a high sense of self would not want another woman's man, nor would she want someone capable of cheating. And a man who has affairs is the same.

 

If a marriage is over, then you end it BEFORE you start looking for someone new. And if you are sincerely looking for a real relationship, then you don't try to start one with someone who's already taken.

[Full Of Hope]

One minute I'm too cocky, the next I have low self-esteem. This is really hard to keep up with.

[Touche]

One minute I'm too cocky, the next I have low self-esteem. This is really hard to keep up with.

 

Interesting that that's all if you have to say in response.

 

As for whether you're cocky or have low-self esteem, I really can't say for sure. I do know you're deluded though. No question about that.

[Touche]

Man, you're tough Touche. We'll just have to wait and see won't we...

 

I just saw this. Yeah, I'm tough. But I'm not mean. I do wish you the best and I don't think you're going to get that in the situation you've put yourself in. It's sad. But I actually think your story will help others...just not in the way you think.

[White Flower]

 

Is this whole OW thing some kind of right of passage for a lot of young women?

 

It seems to me that people that enter into these situations do so because of self-esteem issues. A woman with a high sense of self would not want another woman's man, nor would she want someone capable of cheating. And a man who has affairs is the same.

 

If a marriage is over, then you end it BEFORE you start looking for someone new. And if you are sincerely looking for a real relationship, then you don't try to start one with someone who's already taken.

Quickly, no, I wouldn't say it is a right of passage for OWs. Getting the MM in the end rarely happens and most of us see the writing on the wall after a while.

 

I can see where most people see it as a self-esteem issue and for some I'm sure it is but for others, no way. He gave me what I needed at the time but I already knew I was a warm, thoughtful, kind, and good person. No self-esteem issues. I did not see him as 'another woman's man' because if he were, he wouldn't be wandering. You are right about not wanting someone capable of cheating, however. It took time to rationalize that after the initial whirlwind.

 

Full of Hope,

 

Check out my thread, Hit on by another MM http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=188610&page=5, you might find some of the typical lines MM use very helpful. We've all (OWs and fOWs) been there and done that and so many others such as those responding to you have read about it enough times to see the writing on the wall themselves in other people's stories.

 

In particular, read posts 61 and 67. There seems to be a general formula that so many of us recognize in your story even if you don't.

 

Again, your MM could be telling you the truth, yet he does seem to be following the formula. Good luck.

[StoptheDrama]

It seems that there are too many people venting their personal frustration and anger on this thread. Many of us have been hurt by EMRs both as the married and the other party but this is not the thread to release it and she is not responsible for your pain. Yes the odds are stacked against her but maybe, just maybe this is for real.

 

If this is what you want, then I truly hope it comes true for you. If he does leave his family and comes back to you, then it is what is best for everyone involved. All parties deserve to be loved fully by their partner; this includes the husband, wife and other woman. I do believe, however, that it is in your best interest to be mentally prepared for him not to come. You need to understand that, although you really may be the love of his life, leaving his family will cause him to feel a variety of difficult emotions and he may be not be strong enough to go through with it.

[White Flower]

It seems that there are too many people venting their personal frustration and anger on this thread. Many of us have been hurt by EMRs both as the married and the other party but this is not the thread to release it and she is not responsible for your pain. Yes the odds are stacked against her but maybe, just maybe this is for real.

 

If this is what you want, then I truly hope it comes true for you. If he does leave his family and comes back to you, then it is what is best for everyone involved. All parties deserve to be loved fully by their partner; this includes the husband, wife and other woman. I do believe, however, that it is in your best interest to be mentally prepared for him not to come. You need to understand that, although you really may be the love of his life, leaving his family will cause him to feel a variety of difficult emotions and he may be not be strong enough to go through with it.

You just hit the nail on the head. It is a rare man who is courageous enough to carry it through. And when he doesn't, yet still loves the OW, I feel SO sorry for the W who deserves someone better for herself.

[Touche]

 

Really? Are we reading the same thread? I'm not seeing that. And just for the record, I've never been a OW or a BS. Never. And in fact, I hardly ever even post on this part of the forum. It's just that the thread title compelled me to read it. Normally i skip this part of the forum entirely, as the stories seem interchangeable to me...all pretty much the same.

 

So anyway, I'm not seeing anyone venting their personal frustration and anger in this thread at all. What I am seeing are people just trying to open up the OP's eyes so that the disappointment isn't as great.

 

I'm seeing people trying to help.

[Compelled]

I have been coming to this site since my affair started about 3 months ago. I have never felt compelled to post until now.

 

You guys are something else. I love this thread. I love her optimism, her attitude, her spunk and her overall confidence. I love that she believes in her man, and has the gumption to come on here and talk about it.

 

Every thread on here is depressing. Breakups, heartache, you name it. Nobody is happy. I saw the title of this one and couldn't click on it fast enough. I like her purpose. I like that she's going for it, because I plan on doing the same. Am I ready to post my story? No way. You have to be thick skinned to put up with this.

 

Give her a break. Let her tell her story. As long as she keeps posting, I'll keep reading.

 

I'll be in the bleachers cheering you on.

[xpaperxcutx]

Touche hit on many points.

 

The point is that nobody wants be pessimistic, but considering the many threads on here that have relationships between MMs and OWs going south, it's hard not be a skeptic about OP's situation. But then again, those who fight hard for what they believe in always gets the last laugh.

 

I will continue to follow this thread and hope for the best for the OP.

[hoping2heal]

Alright,

 

I'm starting to get the impression this affair-to true love business is one big ball of delusional behavior. This man's children are a part of him, you are willing to cause them pain so you can be happy, because instead of doing things the proper way you chose the wrong way, yet you love him? That said, this man himself isn't willing to put his own flesh and blood before himself; he will throw them under the bus to further his own selfish ambitions when the time calls for it, what on earth gives you the idea you'll be any different? Surely, you can't think you mean more to him than his children, and if he's willing to do this to them..well then.

 

Now, let's say the marriage wasn't good- ok- fair enough, he could of went the proper route and spared his children, but he chose not too. Now instead of you being dad's new girlfriend etc etc. For as long as you're in his life, especially when you get older; instead of them understanding mom and dad just couldn't work out, they both met someone else and moved on; they will forever think "My dad had an affair on my mom, and this woman is part of it." That's how you'll always be remembered.

 

The thing is, there is a reason that these things hardly ever work out, because all of the table legs you chose to build your foundation on, always start out shaky and unstable, you both garner something you want while hurting several innocent stand by's in the process, and while it plays out nicely at first, once the reality sets in there's usually a paramount of guilt that begins to throw a wrench in the spoke, and often leads to resentment etc. As I've stated already; this man wasn't willing to even put his own children first and do right by them, I assure you that in the scheme of things you are far less valuable to him than them and if he is willing to do that to them, it just plain doesn't look good for you sweetie, don't further delude yourself.

[tami-chan]

 

Really? Are we reading the same thread? I'm not seeing that. And just for the record, I've never been a OW or a BS. Never. And in fact, I hardly ever even post on this part of the forum. It's just that the thread title compelled me to read it. Normally i skip this part of the forum entirely, as the stories seem interchangeable to me...all pretty much the same.

 

So you have never been an OW or BS...so where do you draw your insights from? From other people's experiences? Oh ,I know, you will probably think "Do I have to kill in order to know killing is wrong?". Very little about the mechanics of why people kill is gray-mental issues or survival. Affairs of the heart (including marriage) has a lot of gray areas. So unless you have a first experience of being one or the other or a product of one or the other, I think you should stick to your "normal activities and skip this part of the forum"

 

What about this thread compelled you to respond, anyway? Is it too positive for your liking?

 

I'm seeing people trying to help.

 

Calling someone deluded, is not helpful. Delusion is a psych issue and unless you have extensive knowledge of the OP, it's not a fair assessment.

[Touche]

I have been coming to this site since my affair started about 3 months ago. I have never felt compelled to post until now.

 

You guys are something else. I love this thread. I love her optimism, her attitude, her spunk and her overall confidence. I love that she believes in her man, and has the gumption to come on here and talk about it.

 

Every thread on here is depressing. Breakups, heartache, you name it. Nobody is happy. I saw the title of this one and couldn't click on it fast enough. I like her purpose. I like that she's going for it, because I plan on doing the same. Am I ready to post my story? No way. You have to be thick skinned to put up with this.

 

Give her a break. Let her tell her story. As long as she keeps posting, I'll keep reading.

 

I'll be in the bleachers cheering you on.

 

Who's stopping her from telling her story. I hope she does so others can learn. You have to be "thick-skinned to put up with this?" Put up with what? Reality. Yeah, I guess you do.

 

I'm in the bleachers cheering her on too..hoping she'll stop wasting time on someone who is not her true love. He's not even HERS. He's sleeping with his wife, living with her, raising kids together, having dinner together...how is he HERS? Just because they share some phone calls and a fantasy, doesn't make him hers.

 

But yeah, I'm cheering her on too. Our bleachers are just on opposite sides.

 

Touche hit on many points.

 

Thanks, Paper.

 

The point is that nobody wants be pessimistic, but considering the many threads on here that have relationships between MMs and OWs going south, it's hard not be a skeptic about OP's situation. But then again, those who fight hard for what they believe in always gets the last laugh.

 

Do they always? What if the MM starts fighting hard for his marriage, as so often happens? Will OP have the last laugh then?

 

I will continue to follow this thread and hope for the best for the OP.

 

I will too. Sadly, her fate lies in the wife's hands. If the wife decides to keep him around, he isn't going anywhere. These guys have no balls. If she gets rid of him, then and only THEN will he be hers. "Cause he sure isn't hers now. But by then, he'll resent her and it will all end anyway.

 

Ugh...who would want someone like this?

 

Bet he told you to be very patient, baby. Yeah, like put your whole life on hold until he sees whether he can work it out or not with his wife. If he can't he might come running to you...his SECOND choice.

 

So sad. You could be out meeting some nice single men but instead you've put your whole life on hold for this go-nowhere-relationship.

 

I'm shocked to read (on another thread) that your family and friends support this. Truly shocked.

[Touche]

So you have never been an OW or BS...so where do you draw your insights from? From other people's experiences? Oh ,I know, you will probably think "Do I have to kill in order to know killing is wrong?". Very little about the mechanics of why people kill is gray-mental issues or survival. Affairs of the heart (including marriage) has a lot of gray areas. So unless you have a first experience of being one or the other or a product of one or the other, I think you should stick to your "normal activities and skip this part of the forum"

 

I draw my insights, as you put it, from reading many hundreds of other stories just like this one. I also, happen to KNOW what a REAL and successful relationship takes and what it looks like, since I'm in one. And so I can recognize one that has nowhere to go.

 

You can have your "gray areas." Some things ARE black and white. They just are. There's no gray area about what a man SAYS and what he DOES. It is what it is...nope, no gray areas.

 

I appreciate your saying I should skip this part of the forum...normally I do. But as I already said, this title drew me in. Because I thought...well let's see if there's REALLY a success story on there. And just as I thought when i started reading...nope. Same story. False advertising, if you will. But by then I got sucked into her story.

 

What about this thread compelled you to respond, anyway? Is it too positive for your liking?

 

It's not positive. Just the opposite. It's a very negative and depressing story. I already answered. The title drew me in. It looked like a different story this time. But it turned out to be the same. Why do you have a problem with me? Have I hit too close to home for you?

 

Calling someone deluded, is not helpful. Delusion is a psych issue and unless you have extensive knowledge of the OP, it's not a fair assessment.

 

Sorry, on that we dont agree. I've received many PM's over the years I've been on here from people THANKING me for pulling no punches and being honest...that it helped them to see things more clearly. Her family and friends certainly aren't telling her she's deluded. You don't really know whether Im being helpful or not. How are YOU helping though?

 

I'm not a psychiatrist or therapist and I didn't use the term as such. But she IS deluded. I understand if you don't feel that it's a fair assessment as you say...but I feel it's not only fair it's very accurate. You're entitled to your opinion.

 

How about not making this about me, and posting something YOU think will help her, hmmm?

[2sunny]

my wish for you is that the reality of this whole situation will work its' way out so that everyone involved can get through the changes that will come about with as little pain as necessary to get to the end result.

 

unfortunately... change always brings pain for those involved in this growing process.

 

if you can withstand the pain involved while the situation changes - you may (in your eyes) end up the "winner."

 

any way you look at it - there will be pain though. no doubt about it... that's what you signed up for as soon as you chose to be involved in a scenario as this.

 

if he stays - that's painful for you to have that disappointment.

 

if he leaves down the road - it's painful to be in that "waiting" stage for things to begin to look different for both of you - so that you can begin your new life together... whatever you both decide what that will look like.

 

if and when he leaves his family - that's painful too and you will live with the reality of what it takes for him to become available. between now and then it will be HARD! after that it will still be difficult to move through the "adjustment" period of changes... his emotional state may be erratic and unstable due to guilt and fear.

 

either way... if you are willing to be patient and withstand the emotional roller coaster you chose to ride... it's possible there is a happy ending for you. in the meantime - find happiness where you can and be ready for the ups and downs you will experience.

 

THAT is the reality of it all... good luck to you honey.

[bentnotbroken]

Wow..y'all have been busy. Lot's to answer so let's get started.

 

-How old am I? 28

-How old is he? 36

-Has he moved out? No.

-Has he filed for divorce? No.

-Has he told his children about the A? No.

-Does he plan to tell his children in the near future? Yes.

-Am I a troll? This is laughable. I had to look up the definition to even know what it was. No, I am not a troll. This is my life, believe it or not.

-Where does he sleep at night? The couch.

-Do the kids see this? Yes.

-Do they question it? No.

-Why don't I fly out there for a visit? I can't. I'm the team lead on a merger happening with my company. Have to be in the office for at least the next 6 weeks.

-Why doesn't he fly out to see me? He can't. He must be in the office for the next 4 weeks for the same reason as me. We have the same job, just different divisions.

-What do I expect from him by "D-Day"? I expect for him to be separated, with divorce proceedings in the works.

-What does "when he decided to be with me" mean? This, to me, is when he decided he wanted a future with me. When he made the decision to divorce his wife, and leave the life he's known for all these years behind...for me. Making the decision to divorce and divorcing are the same thing to me. He is a man of his word with me. I know I'll take a lot of heat for this one, but whatever...bring it.

-Am I naive? Perhaps. But, I trust the man I love completely. When did that become wrong?

-Am I cold-hearted? Not at all. Anyone who knows me could vouch for that.

-Do I care about the effect this has on his family? Of course I do.

-Do I block out that part of the equation in my mind? More often than not.

-Am I proud of that? No.

-Is he actually discussing divorce, custody, etc.. with his wife? Yes.

-Is she aware that they will divorce? Yes.

-What did I discuss with the W? The first time we spoke she asked me to back off. Did I? No. The second time she called me every name in the book. The third time she told me I could have him. And the fourth and final time, she explained that she knew it was inevitable that he would be with me, but asked that I not force the issue...that she needed him around to help with the kids in order to focus on her classes.

 

I think that about covers it.

 

Let me make 1 thing clear. In my original post, I said "This will end well." I did not say it HAD ALREADY ended well. The reason I posted now was because I thought it would be nice to read a story from the middle, and watch it play out in favor of the OW. This IS a forum for people in my situation. Since I've been reading stories on LS I have yet to see it happen. Call me pompous, cocky, whatever you like...but I am so confident in how this will end up I went ahead and posted before he even moved out. I thought it would be good for other OW's to watch it unfold....guess I was wrong.

 

 

:eek:Very interesting, on more than one level. It speaks of the expectations that the OP has for the MM. The same expectations that the wife had. Fidelity, honor, respect, honesty and commitment. Yet the wife was told basically to just get over her expectations because the OP refused to back out and let her try to salvage her marriage.

 

As far as the people who know you vouching for you cold hearted acts(not my words)it doesn't matter what they think of you unless you are having an A with their spouses. The only opinion of you that matters are the people lives you are affecting with your actions. Will the children see you as anything other than the adjectives used here, possibly in time. But the first thing they will see is how their lives were affected in such a cold hearted matter in the name of love. His wife knows some about you and a lot about your actions and how they have affected her life and the lives of her children. Her opinion of your heart is probably less about vouching for you and more about trying to survive what has been thrown her way by you and her cheating steam pile of a husband.

[Full Of Hope]

"My dad had an affair on my mom, and this woman is part of it." That's how you'll always be remembered.

 

Hmm...I realize by reading this that I wasn't clear on this point. When I said he would be telling his children in the near future, I meant that he would be telling them about the split with his wife, not the affair. I stated in my original post that "They are deciding together how to best handle the situation for their family". I never discussed the outcome of that discussion. They decided it was best that their children don't know about the affair. Maybe it will come out in time, who knows...but for now they are splitting because of problems they were having in their marriage.

 

It's unfair to say he isn't putting his kids first. His kids are the only reason we aren't together yet. It's important to him to keep his relationship with them in tact as best he can.

 

I'm not out to cause anybody pain. I never thought I would be caught up in something like this. But I am, so now I'm dealing with it as well as I can.

[Full Of Hope]

It seems that there are too many people venting their personal frustration and anger on this thread. Many of us have been hurt by EMRs both as the married and the other party but this is not the thread to release it and she is not responsible for your pain. Yes the odds are stacked against her but maybe, just maybe this is for real.

 

If this is what you want, then I truly hope it comes true for you. If he does leave his family and comes back to you, then it is what is best for everyone involved. All parties deserve to be loved fully by their partner; this includes the husband, wife and other woman. I do believe, however, that it is in your best interest to be mentally prepared for him not to come. You need to understand that, although you really may be the love of his life, leaving his family will cause him to feel a variety of difficult emotions and he may be not be strong enough to go through with it.

 

Thank you for the sentiment. I think he is definitely strong enough to go through with it...and I'm aware of how difficult that will be for him. The good news is I will be there to help him through it.

[Full Of Hope]

I have been coming to this site since my affair started about 3 months ago. I have never felt compelled to post until now.

 

You guys are something else. I love this thread. I love her optimism, her attitude, her spunk and her overall confidence. I love that she believes in her man, and has the gumption to come on here and talk about it.

 

Every thread on here is depressing. Breakups, heartache, you name it. Nobody is happy. I saw the title of this one and couldn't click on it fast enough. I like her purpose. I like that she's going for it, because I plan on doing the same. Am I ready to post my story? No way. You have to be thick skinned to put up with this.

 

Give her a break. Let her tell her story. As long as she keeps posting, I'll keep reading.

 

I'll be in the bleachers cheering you on.

 

Wow! You signed up just to come to my defense? You're like my knight in shining armor! You are exactly the type of person I posted for. I'm very happy to have you here. Thanks for reading!

[Full Of Hope]

Calling someone deluded, is not helpful. Delusion is a psych issue and unless you have extensive knowledge of the OP, it's not a fair assessment.

 

Thank you tami-chan. Get her! LOL

[Full Of Hope]

:eek:Very interesting, on more than one level. It speaks of the expectations that the OP has for the MM. The same expectations that the wife had. Fidelity, honor, respect, honesty and commitment. Yet the wife was told basically to just get over her expectations because the OP refused to back out and let her try to salvage her marriage.

 

You're right. I would have only backed out if he had asked me to...but, he didn't.

[Touche]

His kids are the only reason we aren't together yet.

 

Classic. And you bought that one too?

 

Yeah, I'm sure his wife and his marriage have nothing to do with why you're not together.

 

Oy.

 

Haha, Full Of...Tammi didn't "get" me in any sense of the word.

 

But hey, I get that you just want people to post who will encourage you in this madness. I could never encourage this in good conscience.

 

I wish you the best...but you're not going after the best.

[Adunaphel]

Full of Hope,

were MM and his W already having marriage problems before he got to know you and you started having drinks and dinners together?

Or was their marriage a good one, or even a normal one?

I'm asking because if he was not already considering leaving his W before he met you, it is a huge red flag that he hung out with you for so long behind his w's back. Or did his W knew that he was spending time with a person of the opposite sex when away?

[sb129]

Haven't read entire thread, got the general gist of it though. There are a few success stories on here of MM leaving their wives for the OW, but they do tend to be the exception rather than the rule.

 

I am an exOW and my MM left his W for me after 18 agonising months of secrecy, subterfuge, drama, tears, etc etc.

 

He has a son, who was actually born not too long after we started seeing eachother, which was the ultimate excuse as to why he couldn't leave his W.

 

Nice huh. I still feel so proud of myself when I remember back to those days. JK. It makes me feel , especially seeing as I am now pregnant myself and I can't imagine the pain my actions must have put that poor woman through. (Clarification:my baby is not MMs)

 

So anyway, our whole relationship was "Its going to be so great when____ happens". We hardly ever had a chance to live in the moment the way my H and I do. MM was a selfish, lying, jealous, possessive, manipulative azz- I put alot of that down to the stress of having a new baby and being in an unhappy marriage, and forgave him for it. He wasn't like that all the time, and I actually only realise the true extent of his manipulation and lies now that I am out of the situation.

 

Oh, and he "slept in the spare room" too....

 

He finally moved out. His W knew about me- she and I had a relatively civil relationship for the sake of her son, who I cared deeply about.

 

Happy ending right? everyone is cool and mature about things, we could get on with our lives together with everything out in the open.

 

Uh...no.

When you end up with a cheater, trust is a rare commodity. He was a jealous type (ironic huh?) and I had less and less respect for him the more I thought about what he (we) had done to his wife, and I didn't trust him at all.

 

My friends lost respect for me over the way I let him treat me, and over what he had done, and I lost respect for myself knowing I had been a party to this and in the end he wasn't a good enough guy to let that become a permanent feature of my life.

 

The only bonus was that it forced me to have a good hard look at myself in the mirror as to why I was so willing to settle for someone else's husband.

 

I didn't like what I saw- so I made some big changes... for the better I think.

 

It also taught me what is not OK in a R. Granted, alot of our problems were not just due to the fact that he was a MM, but most of them were.

 

I am now happily married to a wonderful man who has zero tolerance towards infidelity. I know exactly where I stand and there is 100% trust in our marriage- its a world away from where I was a few years ago. And where I was a few years ago was in a position pretty similar to what the OP is in right now.

[Mino]

I have been coming to this site since my affair started about 3 months ago. I have never felt compelled to post until now.

 

You guys are something else. I love this thread. I love her optimism, her attitude, her spunk and her overall confidence. I love that she believes in her man, and has the gumption to come on here and talk about it.

 

Every thread on here is depressing. Breakups, heartache, you name it. Nobody is happy. I saw the title of this one and couldn't click on it fast enough. I like her purpose. I like that she's going for it, because I plan on doing the same. Am I ready to post my story? No way. You have to be thick skinned to put up with this.

 

Give her a break. Let her tell her story. As long as she keeps posting, I'll keep reading.

 

I'll be in the bleachers cheering you on.

There is nothing wrong with " going for it" Really... I am a OW too, almost 5 years, not proud of that. Never did I ever think it would be 5 years, First year I would have told you, "oh no, I am done if he doesn't leave by such and such date. Long story short, We had about 10 Deadlines... Yup, he missed them all for one good excuse after another. But I was going for it too:rolleyes: We had 3 D days, caught going on 2 vacations, and yes, The talk with the w.. My MM I guess is one of the rare ones, He moved out over 10 months ago, did I mention this is his 3rd time?. Got his own little apartment. YUp... But let me tell you, its nowhere even close to Happy ending... Cause we just opened up a whole new can of worms. So for all that believe this is smooth sailing, and plans made is how it will play out, I can say from my expirence, it never happens the way we think it will. So I hope you newbies are ready!! I hope you are ready for the pain you must endure, and not Know what the outcome will be. Because I am 1000 miles ahead of you, and I dont even know of the out come for myself. But hey : go for it ! your situation is different , right:rolleyes: