This is the one…the one you’ve all been waiting for

[Compelled]

How do you deal with the distance? My MM is a few hours drive away from me. Not a trip I can make often.

When did it change from a fling to something more permanent? Was it when the "I Love You's" started? Or was it something else?

What made you move forward with the relationship even though you knew it was wrong?

Do you have guilt at this point? About the wife? The kids? The sex? Any of it?

How can you tell he is still on the same page as you when you dont get to see him every day?

How often do you get to see him?

[JMC]

OP, I hope so much for you that things work out. As I read your initial post, I remembered when I was so happy with my MM (didn't work out though). There is nothing like that feeling. I really hope he comes through for you.

[Touche]

Excellent post, SB! I never really knew your whole story. I have sooo much respect for you. I can only hope that OP's story turns out as well as yours has. Now THERE'S what I call a truly happy ending.

 

SB ended up with a real prince of a man. The real deal. Why anyone would want to settle for less is beyond me.

[whichwayisup]

You're right. I would have only backed out if he had asked me to...but, he didn't.

 

Yet his wife asked you to back off. And you didn't.. Now I see the competition here..

 

Love, history, family, kids, inlaws, the house, finances, friends, neighbours, their life built together - He's giving up ALOT to be with you.

 

IF this man actually DOES divorce his wife, you need to let him handle EVERYTHING his way and stay out of the way. Don't get involved in details of their divorce, their money issues, custody. HAVE respect for his wife because she WILL be in your lives forever because of their children. Don't try to replace her, don't bash her infront of their kids.

 

Have some sympathy and empathy for his wife, keep her real as a human being.

[2sure]

The problem with the relationship you describe is that it isnt any different than the hundreds of other OW/MM stories here. It differs only from those that ended with MM leaving and having a relationship with OW.

 

Your MM, your relationship, and your life are still being affected mosstly by the decisions of his wife.

[JMC]

If we are taking a vote, I say troll, but I've been wrong before.

 

Any which way, this is a fantasy situation. If not than the OP is in for some serious karmic reactions, I think (hope :-)). Despite my background as a BS, I often find I have sympathy for some of the OW's on this board.

 

Not this one though. She's cold-hearted and calculating and hopefully a fake. Are OW really this immune to the pain they cause and so joyful about helping to break up a family? That's the sterotype and how I viewed the woman who went after my husband. But, from reading the stories on LS it seems most OW express more depth of emotion, don't they? This one just does not sound real.

 

Montclair...you hope she's in for some serious karmic reactions? And you "smile" as you say that?? That seems very cold-hearted and vicious to me. Are you taking your past pain from your situation out on this OW? Not fair!

[NoIDidn't]

I remember when she first posted this. It was supposed to be the BESTEST story EVER!!!

 

Its not. It sounds the same. Even the OWs that are currently with their fMM in some way or another have warned FoH.

 

But, because she is soooo Full of Hope, she won't even consider the warnings.

 

I haven't seen anyone wish ill on you or your situation with MM. We just want you to be REALISTIC. Right now, you sound like his puppet, repeating everything he says as if its the gospel.

 

I don't know how this will turn out, but I do know that it doesn't sound good.

[fooled once]

I agree:

 

He isn't sleeping on the couch.

Which is why the kids don't question it.

 

Why can't you two visit each other on weekends? Fly out Friday night/Saturday morning - return Sunday. Last I checked, planes do fly during those days.

 

How old are the kids?

 

It is going to take him a long time to complete this process (if he truly does intend to dump his family and the history he has made with them for you). Custody, visitation, child support, alimony, new place to live, new furniture, less money due to child support/alimony).

 

It is one thing to demand he do all this by the end of the year; it is another thing for it all to be accomplished in that time frame. It won't be accomplished. It takes a minimum of a year for most divorces with children to be completed (I know this from personal experience - and no, my divorce was not because of cheating).

 

I am amazed that the wife called you, asked you to back off and YOU chose not to. Which just shows me it IS a competition for you.

 

And it is laughable if you believe that the children won't be told of the affair. I would almost bet that you "let it slip" at some point IF you do end up with him because it IS a competition for you and you want the kiddos to know that you stole daddy away from mommy (especially when there will be times that you are having issues with something the kids mom has done/said and you want to stick it to her and what better way than through the kids). Again, I have personal knowledge of this as I am in a blended family and NO, not because of cheating.

 

Steplife is HARD as hell under the best of circumstances; under the circumstances of starting a relationship with lies, sneaking around and dishonesty ....... step life will be

[carhill]

Why can't you two visit each other on weekends? Fly out Friday night/Saturday morning - return Sunday. Last I checked, planes do fly during those days.

Face time is very important in relationships, especially long-distance ones. I would assume, if the principals here are married to their jobs (24/7 commitment), they don't have the time nor inclination for a relationship. But, yet, they seem to. Hmmm....

 

So, OP, once this gentleman has settled things up with his wife, how do you propose to close the 2174 mile gap? What will be different? What about that difference is not available to you right now, absent his marital dynamic?

[sb129]

Face time is very important in relationships, especially long-distance ones. I would assume, if the principals here are married to their jobs (24/7 commitment), they don't have the time nor inclination for a relationship. But, yet, they seem to. Hmmm....

 

So, OP, once this gentleman has settled things up with his wife, how do you propose to close the 2174 mile gap? What will be different? What about that difference is not available to you right now, absent his marital dynamic?

 

I wondered this as well- yet another hurdle to surpass before utopia is achieved.

 

I have moved long distance to be with someone, AND had an affair as the OW (not with the same person). Neither experience is one I care to repeat in this lifetime.

[NoIDidn't]

Face time is very important in relationships, especially long-distance ones. I would assume, if the principals here are married to their jobs (24/7 commitment), they don't have the time nor inclination for a relationship. But, yet, they seem to. Hmmm....

 

So, OP, once this gentleman has settled things up with his wife, how do you propose to close the 2174 mile gap? What will be different? What about that difference is not available to you right now, absent his marital dynamic?

 

If they are both married to their jobs, then this sounds like the affairs typical of workaholics. And they are the least likely to leave their marraiges as they always seem shocked to find out what they are leaving behind.

 

I don't know how or why anyone has an affair with this kind of distance between them. Its like he already knew she wouldn't be able to just drop in on him and check up on him and his words/plans. Hmmmmm

[Full Of Hope]

Full of Hope,

were MM and his W already having marriage problems before he got to know you and you started having drinks and dinners together?

Or was their marriage a good one, or even a normal one?

I'm asking because if he was not already considering leaving his W before he met you, it is a huge red flag that he hung out with you for so long behind his w's back. Or did his W knew that he was spending time with a person of the opposite sex when away?

 

I dreaded this question, as I'm ashamed of the answer. They had a pretty normal marriage. They lived separate lives, but had no real problems to speak of. Pretty sure she didn't know we were spending time together. If she did, she didn't think much of it.

[Full Of Hope]

I am now happily married to a wonderful man who has zero tolerance towards infidelity. I know exactly where I stand and there is 100% trust in our marriage- its a world away from where I was a few years ago. And where I was a few years ago was in a position pretty similar to what the OP is in right now.

 

Thanks for the story. You did get a happy ending.

[Touche]

Steplife is HARD as hell under the best of circumstances; under the circumstances of starting a relationship with lies, sneaking around and dishonesty ....... step life will be

 

No fooling, Fooled! You're dead on. (Been there, done that!) I even kind of alluded to this in an earlier post. If they even end up together (soooo doubtful) this is what will do them in. It's almost guaranteed.

 

I'd bet on the failure of this relationship (sorry ) before I'd ever bet on the stock market...a lot better odds.

 

But you know what? Full Of will not listen or heed any of this. I can tell. Hell, I can't say much because I too made mistakes despite people warning me. Oh boy...if I could only go back. I wish I'd listened.

 

And even though I didn't make THIS particular mistake, I did make others. And who is to say whose mistakes are worse than others'.

 

If this is the worst mistake you will have ever made in life FOH, then you will have done alright, I guess. One can only hope.

 

Oh wow, you guys bring up an excellent point. It can't be stressed enough. The double whammy of the LD PLUS the OW thing...wow. Soooo NOT VIABLE. (See my thread on Viable vs. Non Viable Relationships.)

[whichwayisup]

You didn't reply to my earlier post..

I dreaded this question, as I'm ashamed of the answer. They had a pretty normal marriage. They lived separate lives, but had no real problems to speak of. Pretty sure she didn't know we were spending time together. If she did, she didn't think much of it.

Again, he is giving up ALOT to be with you.

 

Please keep in mind that this MM of yours has lied to his wife. If he can lie and deceive her, the woman he married, the woman who was pregnant by him afew times, he can and WILL lie/omit truths to you. I don't mean this meanly, but what makes you believe that he is always honest with you, telling you the truth?

 

It makes me sad to think that you do believe he's sleeping on the couch, not having sex with his wife. If you believe this, then you're fooling yourself. Open your eyes, take a step back and try looking at your situation from a different angle. Maybe, just maybe, you'll see the red flags flapping that we all see.

[NoIDidn't]

Maybe, just maybe, you'll see the red flags flapping that we all see.

 

One does not see red flags when they are wearing rose-colored glasses.

[Full Of Hope]

How do you deal with the distance? My MM is a few hours drive away from me. Not a trip I can make often.

When did it change from a fling to something more permanent? Was it when the "I Love You's" started? Or was it something else?

What made you move forward with the relationship even though you knew it was wrong?

Do you have guilt at this point? About the wife? The kids? The sex? Any of it?

How can you tell he is still on the same page as you when you dont get to see him every day?

How often do you get to see him?

 

The distance is tough, but manageable. Our offices have video conferencing capabilities, so we utilize that system as often as possible. I don't travel much these days, but when I do we meet every time. We take advantage of any opportunity we can to see one another.

 

You know, I'm actually not sure when that happened. Seems like it just did. One day we were having some drinks, the next we were planning a future together. It all happened very fast.

 

Why did I move forward? He was (and still is) an addiction for me. I just can't get enough of him.

 

Of course I feel guilt. This was a man with virtually no problems in his life. What he's going through right now is all because of me. Any time I get frustrated with him, I try to remember this.

 

How do I know we're on the same page? Although I don't see him as often as I would like, when I do there is no mistaking the look on his face. His expression says it all. I can tell how he feels about me just by looking at him.

 

We see eachother about every 6 weeks. For the first 7 or 8 months it was weekly. I really miss those days.

[Full Of Hope]

OP, I hope so much for you that things work out. As I read your initial post, I remembered when I was so happy with my MM (didn't work out though). There is nothing like that feeling. I really hope he comes through for you.

 

You're right. There is nothing like that feeling. Thank you for the support.

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you.

[Touche]

I dreaded this question, as I'm ashamed of the answer. They had a pretty normal marriage. They lived separate lives, but had no real problems to speak of. Pretty sure she didn't know we were spending time together. If she did, she didn't think much of it.

 

Hate to tell you but the above in bold is most likely another one of his lines. I'll bet they didn't live "separate lives." Sure during the day they each had their responsibilities. And maybe she even had some night classes.

 

But I guarantee you that most of the time in the evenings, they had/have dinner together, talk about their days, spend time with the kids (help with bathtime, homework, bedtime, etc.,) and just chill and watch tv together. Just....like...any...other...normal...family.

 

And guess what? At the end of the evening they get ready for bed together and go to bed....after that, uhm, they don't always go right to sleep, shall we say.

 

My guess? This guy is married between 7 and 10 years now. I'm married for 14 years in less than two weeks. Those were challenging years for us. Everything in the relationship tends to shift at that point. That's when you either weather your storms and grow even closer together, or you split.

 

At that point, the wild passion kind of diminishes a little. You have to really get your head straight and look at your spouse in a new light. You have to look at them as "family." I really can't explain it. And if you can get past that period and re-connect as lovers who are now family, you can form the deepest of bonds and a deeper kind of love than you can ever imagine. You have no idea.

 

You're in lust now. You don't know what true love is. You just don't.

 

So anyway, that's my guess about what's going on in this guy's marriage.

 

How long is he married anyway?

 

How old are the kids? If they're under 12 it's highly unlikely, in my opinion that he will leave.

[Full Of Hope]

IF this man actually DOES divorce his wife, you need to let him handle EVERYTHING his way and stay out of the way. Don't get involved in details of their divorce, their money issues, custody. HAVE respect for his wife because she WILL be in your lives forever because of their children. Don't try to replace her, don't bash her infront of their kids.

 

Have some sympathy and empathy for his wife, keep her real as a human being.

 

I plan on doing exactly this. It's very good advice.

[NoIDidn't]

How do I know we're on the same page? Although I don't see him as often as I would like, when I do there is no mistaking the look on his face. His expression says it all. I can tell how he feels about me just by looking at him.

 

 

Please look up "mirroring" and how it happens in affairs. It could be eye-opening for you.

[Touche]

One does not see red flags when they are wearing rose-colored glasses.

 

Wow! Excellent. That should also be in my signature I think...if you'll give me permission.

 

You're right. There is nothing like that feeling. Thank you for the support.

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you.

 

I'll tell you what other feeling there's nothing like...how about when he tells you he's sorry but he wants to work it out with his wife? That feeling will be like nothing else either, I suspect.

[Full Of Hope]

It is one thing to demand he do all this by the end of the year; it is another thing for it all to be accomplished in that time frame. It won't be accomplished. It takes a minimum of a year for most divorces with children to be completed (I know this from personal experience - and no, my divorce was not because of cheating).

 

And it is laughable if you believe that the children won't be told of the affair. I would almost bet that you "let it slip" at some point IF you do end up with him because it IS a competition for you and you want the kiddos to know that you stole daddy away from mommy.

 

My divorce was final in 30 days...with children involved. I don't want to get into specifics about the kids but his are young and so are mine.

 

If you think I am that vindictive, why would you even bother following this story? I must totally disgust you. I think that's the most horrible thing I've read on this thread so far.

[bentnotbroken]

I remember when she first posted this. It was supposed to be the BESTEST story EVER!!!

 

Its not. It sounds the same. Even the OWs that are currently with their fMM in some way or another have warned FoH.

 

But, because she is soooo Full of Hope, she won't even consider the warnings.

 

I haven't seen anyone wish ill on you or your situation with MM. We just want you to be REALISTIC. Right now, you sound like his puppet, repeating everything he says as if its the gospel.

 

I don't know how this will turn out, but I do know that it doesn't sound good.

 

 

Exactly the same as almost every other one I have read about. The usual he said this, he said that, he is the best man ever.....on and on. Sometimes we need the 2x4 between the eyes to break those rose colored glasses and correct our vision.

[Full Of Hope]

Face time is very important in relationships, especially long-distance ones. I would assume, if the principals here are married to their jobs (24/7 commitment), they don't have the time nor inclination for a relationship. But, yet, they seem to. Hmmm....

 

So, OP, once this gentleman has settled things up with his wife, how do you propose to close the 2174 mile gap? What will be different? What about that difference is not available to you right now, absent his marital dynamic?

 

I wouldn't say I'm married to my job, but I definitely love it. If things don't work out with a transfer, I've decided to give it up. This was a very difficult decision for me. I've worked for this company since I graduated college...it's the only career I've ever had.

I will move his way, buy a house, get the kids in school....start a new life.

Could I quit now and move? Of course I could....but I'm not quite ready for that. There is a little more I would like to accomplish before I give it all up for love LOL.

Plus, I would like for him to be well on his way to divorce before I make a move like that. I may be full of hope, but I'm not a complete idiot.